Chapter 6
Sirius took a little longer in the shower than he was used to. All the thoughts and exhaustion of the day poured down on him.
He couldn’t wait to get some sleep. He washed the blood from his hands with slow motions. Remus’s blood. He’d seen it more times that he’d like to, but never like that. Sirius hadn’t been so scared in his whole life, he had to remind himself that Remus was now stable, not bleeding out and very much alive, just a room away.
He wondered briefly where Mulciber might be now. Whether someone had found him. Whether he would tell anyone that it was Remus and Sirius who attacked him; Sirius who’d used and Unforgivable Curse on him…
He justified it, like everything else, on justice. The balance of every action. Mulciber was throwing Killing Curses at them, and it was by some good luck (or Mulciber’s bad aim) that they were still alive. They had to defend themselves. Otherwise death would’ve come their way.
However, Mulciber hadn’t been cursing them when Sirius threw Crucio at him. But Remus was injured and it was this Death Eater’s fault. He’d felt anger in a way he didn’t know could be possible. How dare Mulciber do this? How dare him use Remus as a bait? Bring silver and stab him, like it was nothing? It was foul play.
Were the Death Eaters mad at Remus for not joining them, when so many werewolves had? Or were they merely looking for the ones who had been doing these quests on behalf of scared people? Hunting mostly Death Eaters, in the way they hunted Muggle-borns.
Sirius’ main question, though, was why. Why had Mulciber been prepared? Why did he have the dagger on him? Sirius highly doubted he just carried it around everyday.
He turned off the tap and wrapped himself in a tower. He dried off and dressed in the bathroom.
Then he stepped out and went to the kitchen to find something to eat. There wasn’t much left, he should buy groceries soon. He spotted can-soup, cheese, milk and some sausages. There was also a plate of noodles staring up at him, begging Sirius to throw them out once and for all. He did and after that he took the soup and warmed it. He split it in two plates.
Remus was awake when he walked into the bedroom. Sirius lifted the corner of his mouth slightly, and offered him a plate.
Remus took it. He looked a lot better. His face was still pale and his hair sticky, but he was no longer shivering or grimacing everytime he moved. Sirius sat on a chair in the corner and they dined in silence for some minutes.
Sirius left the plate on top of a shelf when he finished and looked sideways at Remus. The silence was a little uncomfortable, but Sirius was happy not to be fighting or glaring at each-other for once.
He stood up restlessly and started looking for a blanket in his drawer.
“What are you doing?” Remus asked, he left his finished plate on the bedside table.
“I’ll take this blanket and a pillow and settle on the couch.” Sirius answered without looking up.
“No, Sirius,” he said, and now Sirius looked at him, confused. “I’ll go to the couch. You should sleep in your bed.”
He made to get up and Sirius hurriedly stopped him, “Are you mad?! Remus, you’re not fit. You stay here, you ought to be as comfortable as you can get.”
“I don’t want you to sleep on the couch because of me!”
“Because of you? Pff, I love the couch. He’s my best friend.”
Remus lifted an eyebrow and stared at him.
“Fine, we’ll just both sleep here.” Said Sirius. It occurred to him out of nowhere, he wasn’t sure why he’d said it. He blushed.
By the look on Remus’ face, he wasn’t too keen on the idea.
“What?!” Sirius chimed, trying to fix it. “Girls do it all the time.”
“We’re not girls, Sirius! Trust me, we wouldn’t be in this situation if we were.”
“Then I’ll sleep on the couch,” Sirius grabbed the blanket and pillow again and headed to the door, “Do you need anything else?”
Remus growled, exasperated, and tugged at the sheet of the bed, “Stay here” he murmured.
Sirius watched him for a few seconds. He shouldn’t. It felt like a first step towards something forbidden, but also towards a feeling he longed. He noticed Remus’ messy hair and had to bite his tongue.
“Alright.” He gave in.
Sirius left the blanket where he’d found it and slowly got into bed. Remus grabbed the pillow and put it in the middle of the mattress, forming a silly barrier.
“Merlin, it’s not like I’ll spoon you, Moony,” said Sirius rolling his eyes.
“I can never tell with you” Remus noted playfully. Sirius stared at him, frowning. “It’s just a joke, Black”
Still, the pillow stayed where it was and they settled down to sleep, each of them respecting their sides. Sirius asked Remus if he needed help to get comfortable but he just denied. Sirius could see him panting slightly after he layed back on the bed. He turned off the lights.
He positioned himself just like Remus and closed his eyes. However, Sirius was nowhere near falling asleep, his mind kept spiraling and his heart was beating in a fast rhythm. After a few minutes of silence, Remus spoke up again.
“About today…” he started, “That dagger. I think Mulciber knew. He knew I was a werewolf. And he knew we’d go after him.”
“Yeah… I’ve been thinking the same. Do you think it has anything to do with the letter? You know, the ‘Kill-Sirius-Black’ thing?” Sirius whispered in the dark.
“You love making everything about yourself, huh?”
“That’s not what I—“ he protested, but Remus cut him off.
“Whatever. No, I don’t think it has anything to do with it. Do you think it was Mulciber who sent that? What for?” he inquired.
Remus had a way of making you feel like he was always in the right and that you had, somehow, fucked up. He had excuses and arguments, one step ahead of everyone else. When they were younger, Sirius would ask Remus to explain some topic he already knew all about just so he could listen to him.
The memory made him feel warm and furious all at once. Why was he, Sirius, the one who made mistakes all the time? Why couldn’t it ever be Remus? Why did he have to keep his head low and go along with everything Remus said or did? He wondered if perhaps Remus wouldn’t find so many flaws in him if things hadn’t gone wrong. He wished they could fix things and, in this quiet room, it almost felt like they had.
“I don’t know” he resigned himself.
More silence, and then—
“I think Snivellus might’ve told the Death Eaters.” Sirius said in a barely audible murmur.
“We don’t know for sure he’s with them.”
“But we know they used to hangout together at Hogwarts all the time. Maybe he told them right after—“ he stopped himself, an awkward moment followed. Sirius had been about to mention the prank, “—Right after he found out.”
The pillow forbid Sirius to look at Remus, but he could feel him thinking. He hoped that, for once, Remus would valid something he’d said.
“…Maybe,” Remus finally acknowledged, and Sirius let out a breath he hadn’t noticed he’d been holding.
They both took a few moments to let the possibility sink in. If Snape told his little friends about Remus’ lycanthropy, then even Voldemort could find out. What if he or any of his followers reached out to him to try and reclute him? They would most likely tell stories about the werewolves and how bad wizards treat them, they would tell Remus he could have a better life on the other side…
Sirius thought about Remus not wanting to go to the hospital, afraid they wouldn’t care for a werewolf, and it made him mad to think the Death Eaters would have a point. Even if it was on the promise of a fake life. Would they kill Remus if he refused?
“We could stop, you know” Sirius said in a low voice, “Actually,” he continued, firmly. “I think we should. You almost got killed today, it’s getting out of hand.”
The silence seemed to last forever. Sirius thought Remus must’ve fallen asleep, he put the pillow aside to check, but Remus was still awake, his eyes thoughtful. The sound of his breath was even and all Sirius could think was that Remus looked like a sculpture. Tranquil and solid. Even with the still visible blood that stained his bandages and shirt. Finally, he answered, and Sirius had to fight his own head to come back down and listen to Remus’ voice.
“I can’t back down.” It was all he said.
“Back down?! Remus, you almost died! Merlin, I’m not even sure if we’re out of the woods yet, to be honest…”
“You get out, then. It seems to be overwhelming you, alright,” Remus looked him in the eye now. “Don’t think I didn’t notice; even through my poor state.”
Sirius knew immediately what he meant. The Unforgivable Curse. In truth, he had hoped Remus wouldn’t have noticed. But, again, he was always one step ahead.
He didn’t know what to say. A certain guilt had been building in his chest ever since he performed the Cruciatus Curse. He didn’t know anyone could get angry enough to experience such dark desires, for, in that moment, he’d wanted to hurt Mulciber. Whatever had taken over him, it scared him. It was not the kind of person he tried to be. In fact, it was exactly the sort of thing he fought all his life not to become.
He bit the inside of his cheek and stared at his own hands, “I don’t know why I did it.” He said at last, “I just… I couldn’t let him get away with it. He hurt you and, I don’t know, I guess I wanted him to hurt as well. I hate that, feeling like that. I don’t know where it comes from…”
“I feel anger, too,” said Remus. “It’s okay, you’ve seen me at my darkest as well” he murmured.
“You mean the moons?” Sirius asked.
“Yeah.”
Sirius took a deep breath, his muscles were relaxed. He felt fortunate that Remus would be vulnerable with him, after so many years. He considered what Remus was like during full moons and thought that, even though the transformations were dreadful for him, the four of them had fun once they were completed. He knew the other boy liked to believe himself dangerous and cursed, but Sirius had a different view of it.
“I don’t think that’s your darkest.” Sirius said earnestly.
Remus turned his head towards him and leaned in slightly, “I don’t know, sometimes I hope it is, so it means there’s nothing worse, you know? But also I fucking hope it’s not.” He sighed, “Of course you feel bad about the Crucio thing, but… I appreciate that you would do that. Mulciber kind of deserved it.” He joked.
“Yeah, well, I’m not repeating it. Ever. It’s awful. I don’t know how my mother did it so often.”
Sirius’ breath caught, regretting what he said. He closed his eyes for a second, embarrassed. He felt light-headed, his mind was now fixed somewhere else; in an old house with wallpapers and dark magic. Sirius drove a hand through his hair and said, “Sorry, I‐I don’t know why I said that.”
“Don’t worry.” Remus whispered, it was the softest Sirius had ever heard him, “Did it… happen a lot?”
“Uh, I can’t really remember it too well? I-I’m not sure…” God, his voice was thick and had to blink a few times to wipe away tears. He hoped Remus couldn’t see him.
“I’m sorry, it’s alright.” Remus said and, to Sirius’ surprise, he reached out to him; extending a hand to touch Sirius’ arm. He gave him a squeeze and let go.
Sirius let out a shaky breath and looked over at the ceiling, “I just hope Regulus gets out.”
“I’m sure he’s alright now he’s older,” Remus ventured.
“Yeah, yes. Probably.”
Remus offered him a small smile and bit his lip, after a few seconds, he spoke again. “Thank you, for defending me today. It was probably hard for you.”
It hadn’t been, really. There had been no question for Sirius at the time. But he didn’t correct Remus.
“You would’ve done the same for me.” Said Sirius firmly.
“How can you be so sure?” Remus whispered.
Sirius turned his head too and faced Remus. His eyes seemed to be completely dark, but that was probably because of the lack of light. He wondered how clearly Remus could see him.
“Because you’re still around. Even if you don’t like me anymore, you are still here.” Sirius confided.
“Sometimes… I get tired. Of not liking you. Specially when everyone else does, when even I did once.” Remus’ voice was small as he continued. “It’s been so long, there are days where I just want to give in. But then you go and do something that infuriates me, like trashing into my mission, and I feel this hatred all over again.” He sighed.
“Yeah… I feel the same.”
“What?”
“I mean you haven’t done anything to me… not like what I did. But sometimes I absolutely cannot stand you.” Remus seemed surprised at this and it made Sirius laugh, “Really! You can be so closed-off and resentful, or when you get that look on your face like you think you’re smarter than everyone else in the room! It makes me want to curse your ass, honestly”
They were both laughing softly now, Remus screwed up his face at the pain it caused him, “Alright, I get it! I can be a little shit.”
“Damn right you can,” He teased. “We’ll just have to co-exist barely tolerating the other’s presence until we die. Sounds good?”
“Perfect.”
They smiled and Sirius felt his chest warm up. It had been so long since Remus showed him a smile, and he knew he’d found something new. Something had changed, and they were now at a point they had never been before, not even when they were friends.
Their breaths finally evened and Sirius started to fall asleep, but, before he gave in, he looked over at Remus once more and said:
“Please don’t die in your sleep.”
“I’ll try.” Was all Remus said.