It was something even someone with as bad an eyesight as James Potter could not miss.
Regulus was all aware of this. The thing is, he did not intend to hide it from him.. at least that had not been the plan at first.
He had promised he would never lie after all.. If he lied now, well not just his words but also the spoken promise would turn to venom and inevitably break his heart if James were to find out..
Is it lying if you choose to not tell someone something they should know?
It's a question unanswered and Regulus does not have enough time to remain silent and wait until they figure out the answer.
It isn’t though.. Not really. Yet to human standards it is.
Fuck standards. Fuck everything. Fuck the dark mark that stood out against his pale skin.
It was as even the darkness of the mark has washed the skin tone of it surrounding it out, the mark looked to be painted on a ghost, the scratches, marks and irritated skin not too far from it gave away that the person carrying it was in fact alive. And supposedly the light flutter of his wrist presenting his heart beat every now and then gave it away as well.
The common room did not feel cold, Regulus felt as if he was freezing.
His arms wrapped around his legs which he pulled to his chest, desperate to keep the warmth the fireplace was sending his way close to his chest.
His breathing sounded hollow and he was quick to bury his face in his knees when the hollow sound become more shaky.
Fuck. Everything.
Regulus chewed on his bottom lip, James would be coming over in 30 minutes meaning he only had 10 minutes left to himself because the boy was always standardly 20 minutes early when Regulus invited him somewhere.
When he had asked why James was always much too early he had replied with a sickeningly sweet response.
Because I can never wait to see you.
Regulus feared now if he saw what had happened he would never want to see him again. Never lay his deep brown eyes on the Slytherin from across the great hall, during quidditch matches or separate study sessions in the library.
His let out a choked sob. No tears were falling from his eyes, he was blinking furiously enough to make sure of that. Just dry and empty sobs which represented his feelings all too well.
James had many muggleborn friends, he would have every right to be mad..
The thing is though.. He never got mad with Regulus, not really.
It was not like he had held out his hand with a smile and proud gleam in his eyes, waiting for the dark lord to claim him in his war.
No, no it had taken the cruciatus curse before he finally had fallen to his knees, sobs leaving his body like they did now except back then there had been tears. But the tears had only been revealed later when he was alone in his bedroom.
Kreacher had asked in the morning why his pillow was wet and Regulus blamed it on having spilled a glass of water as if the glass on his nightstand was not filled to the brim.
James would understand.
He always did.
Though he had been waiting the voice still startled him.
James had been given the password by Regulus the second the new one had been revealed. As keen as he was on his privacy he always treasured his surprise visits because of it more than anything.
“Hey reg!”
Regulus let his legs drop to the floor and he put on a smile, the second it crossed his face he could feel the strain and the second he saw James his frown he knew it was anything but believable.
“What’s wrong?” James asked before draping himself on the empty spot next to his boyfriend. His hand found Regulus his back and he started rubbing suiting circles through his blouse. He sounded so concerned, Regulus wanted to crawl in his lap and hide his face in his neck, claiming all was good, all was well just to get his eyebrows to unfurrow and the smile back to his lips.. The thing was, all was not good, all was not well. They both knew it, but only Regulus knew the reason for it.
“You can talk to me, love..”
James leaned down and he planted a soft and gentle kiss to his cheek. Regulus closed his eyes. James was always so incredibly gentle with him, more gentle than anyone had ever been to him. More gentle than anyone would ever be again. It was selfish but Regulus was not ready to give that up yet.
Give up the feeling of not needing to capture the fire from the fireplace because his heart was already blazing from being so near the sun.
His sun.
The darkness of the night always snuffed out the familiar light, Regulus always had been scared of doing so but he had come to realize James held so much heath to keep them both warm without burning one another.
Except now Regulus felt cold. He remained cold even when he turned his head to up the kiss on the cheek to his lips.
James his free hand came up to Regulus his cheek, he kissed with want, need.. Nothing sexual. Want and need for Regulus his love but when he was not giving back precisely that he slowly pulled away, staring down with kind eyes in Regulus’.
“Talk to me.”
Regulus squeezed his eyes shut, his finger tips creeping down to his pulled down sleeve. James did not seem to notice this motion, keeping his hand on his cheek as he spoke before planting one more quick kiss.
“I know you said nothing was wrong but… you know if you want to talk about Christmas break you can.. I can imagine how hard it must have been back at home without Sirius there right now with everything going on.”
If his eyes could go any tighter they did.
He missed Sirius but he had avoided him at school ever since he had left.
Sure, his brother has offered him to come along to the Potters but it never truly had been an option.. Not for Regulus. Sirius knew him well enough to also know that but he had shrugged it off and labelled it as having done everything he could have. James had offered as well. James got the same rejection yet the pain in his eyes after stung Regulus even harder than having to stay.
“James.” He opened his eyes and they were quick to meet one another.
James smiled but his expression saddened when he saw the worry in his boyfriend his eyes.
“Regulus.?”
Regulus started tugging his own sleeve, moving away from James far enough to make his hand drop from his cheek to his shoulder.
“James...” Regulus heard his own voice crack. He was desperate.
Oh so very desperate and it was no doubt painfully obvious.
He could see James his eyes widen, his eyebrows knit in confusion through his own with tear blurred gaze. His hand drifting down from his shoulder to pluck away the remaining fabric that offered any cover for the mark.
James would understand, he always did. James would understand. James understood. He always understood, he always did.
His expression told Regulus so much, yet so little. He looked hurt and for a blissful moment Regulus was imagining that James shared the same pain as him. The unwanting feeling for the mark, for this life for Regulus.
The moment only took a second to fall apart.
“You—” He sounded.. angry. His voice shaking from so many emotions he was not in the right mind to express.
“J-James.. during the break I..”
“You got it. You got the mark.” His fingers were unknowingly pressing down in the moving skin, digging as if it would fade away and disappear.
“I didn’t-“ Regulus despite himself sobbed. James his eyes clipped to his face instead of his arm, his fingers still pushing and Regulus felt the tears fall down his cheek. Still did his finger remain around his mark and they did not wipe them up like they had done before.
“James.. I never needed you l-like I do… like I do right now..”
Regulus barely could get the words out and he sounded so pathetic it made him wince. His voice was so weak his parents would have yelled at him for ever speaking like this.
James his eyes moved down again, seemingly only now realizing what exactly it was that he was touching. It was not just hurt or anger now.. He had a look of disgust for it, for that part of Regulus.
His hand immediately slipped away, pushing Regulus his arm hard into his chest. Regulus out of response immediately clung to it, his breath catching in the back of his throat. He want to talk.. just talk. Just a word. scream. Breath. Anything.
James would understand.
He always did.
He was supposed to undert—
“I never hated you like I do right now.”
His voice was steady, his eyes were not wavering from Regulus. No sign of pity, sadness. Not the slightest thing Regulus could detect that could offer him some possible comfort.
James got up and with that stormed out, leaving Regulus alone in the Slytherin common room. Regulus clung to his arm and bend over, chest pressed to his legs as he let out gut wrenching sobs.
Crying until his eyes went dry, until he felt like throwing up, which eventually he did.
And he deserved it he thought. The disgust in what James had looked at him..
Well that was him. That was Regulus.
He deserved to be looked at like that. Like he was nothing but the mark because after all this.. It was a side he had chosen. A side he was supposed to fight for now. The side that stood opposite from James.
He didn’t understand and with that Regulus his light had been snuffed.