His Mission
He had a mission. Something he never wanted from the very start but knew had to do it for his family, and also for himself. To accomplish it would mean the death of one of the greatest, wisest, and most powerful men; and for the Wizarding World, a great loss to its entire community. He hadn't planned on being part of such a group. But here he was. Sitting on his hospital bed in the middle of the night, fighting with his inner demons. For the first time in months, he was doubting himself. For the first time in such a long time, he was questioning whether he could bring himself to do what he was asked, no, forced to do. Because it wasn't really an option when he was given the option to leave, fearing that if he did so he might meet some terrible fate that would be far worse than death.
He didn't even protest or searched for a way out —because there wasn't one. He was too weak, too cowardly, too pathetic. He didn't try. He never tried to escape or save himself. He accepted his fate without any fight whatsoever. He was only strong enough not to scream or cry when they marked his skin.
His fingers traced over the mark and he pulled his sleeve down, not wanting to see the reminder of what he was. Hermione didn't know he was a Death Eater yet but the thought of her learning filled him with anxiety. Would she be shocked or thought she always knew and said she wasn't surprised? Which was worse, he wasn't sure. Either way, nothing would change the fact that he was going to become her enemy and she was going to hate him again. His whole life was just going to continue being a constant battle against this feeling inside him. The fear, the guilt. And he wouldn't even be able to communicate with her to ask if she was okay, because how could he? It was a battle he wasn't going to win and he could only hope that he wouldn't hear her name from the people close to him.
He just needed to see Dumbledore and that's what he did the second he left the Hospital Wing. The halls were all empty at this late at night and he easily found himself at his door without getting seen by anyone. The door creaked open when he tried to knock it as if it was left open.
He stepped in, taking in the room before spotting Dumbledore by one of the shelves, putting back a book.
"I'm listening..."
"What?" He blurted out without thinking.
Dumbledore lowered his head, looking at Draco above his glasses. "It seems you have something to say, Mr. Malfoy... I'm listening."
"I... I think I've made a really big mistake, Professor and there's no way I can take it back."
He looked down, unable to look at the man. How could he?
"You want to take it back?" Dumbledore turned around, slowly walking to Draco. His eyes were hungry for an answer.
"I'm not sure if I would do that."
"What would happen if you did it?"
Draco looked up at the man for the first time. "I'm not sure, sir... I don't even know what I'm doing."
"Everyone goes through that at some point in their lives, I did, too, of course..."
But this wasn't a phase in his life. It wasn't because of his school or a girlfriend. It was so much bigger.
"Yes, we all go through it but..." he left the sentence open. It seemed impossible to finish, to describe it.
"But what?"
"But this is just... different."
"In what way, Mr. Malfoy? I'd like to know what's been bothering you at this late hour."
Draco sighed in frustration. "I... I don't know how this happened but I found myself in a very difficult situation, Professor, one that I cannot begin to explain."
"You don't need to."There was a sad smile on Dumbledore's lips when he sat back down in his chair. His eyes were still on Draco when he spoke again.
"I am aware of the burden that has been placed upon you, Mr. Malfoy."
Draco's eyes widened, not only shocked but also frightened. "Sir?"
"Aren't you here to take my life, Draco?" Dumbledore asked in a very monotone tone.
Draco couldn't react for a moment. It seemed like time had stopped and Dumbledore's words hung in the air. Then Draco's heart started pounding. "Professor?"
"I'm sure you have noticed before but I tend to be direct with things people don't dare talking about... mostly, at least."
He chuckled to himself. This was enough to send Draco's body a jolt of terror. He had seen Voldemort threaten people all the time and then kill them, but somehow Dumbledore's callousness terrified him more.
He knew, but how?
"So, tell me. How do you plan to do this?"
Another silence followed his question.
"I know you're not a killer, boy, that's why you couldn't do it the other two times."
Dumbledore watched Draco as he realized the man he was trying to kill knew what he was planning. That's when his hands started shaking, his mouth dried, and a strange pressure gathered in his stomach.
"You knew," Draco whispered, almost inaudible.
"I did." Dumbledore nodded his head once.
"You didn't do anything. Why?"
"I have my reasons."
That meant nothing to Draco. He never really understood what the old man meant whenever he opened his mouth but this one left him more puzzled than ever. What kind of reasons would he have to do nothing against his death?
"What are you," he took a deep breath, taking one step back. "Going to do to me?"
"Nothing."
His answer was fast like he had already decided. Draco's feet stopped. "I'm not sure you know what's going on."
"Believe me, son, I am well aware."
"But why?"
Dumbledore smiled again, but the expression held a sad undertone that Draco had rarely seen. "Because there's no point in trying to save myself while I'm getting one more step closer to death."
The room felt cold all of a sudden. Draco was ready to kill this man. He was trained for it, he did everything he was asked to do, he even gave up on his friends knowing that there was a high chance that he wouldn't see them again. He was going to be all alone. He thought he had accepted it before but he felt like an outcast for the first time this year. He was alone... until she came. Whatever Granger did, he no longer wanted to be alone, but he still gave up on that, on her, too. Because he had to kill Dumbledore. He prepared himself for it and didn't give in to Hermione's words.
Why did he feel sad and scared all of a sudden? He was going to die either way.
"You mean..?"
"Yes, Mr. Malfoy, I'm dying." Dumbledore calmly said, as if he was talking about a mundane topic. "A curse," he showed his blackened, lifeless fingers. "I tried to stop it already, but it's not working. I have accepted the inevitable."
He clenched his jaw. "Just like that?"
"Yes." Dumbledore tilted his head in curiosity. "What do you expect me to do?"
"Fight, of course, you're... you're Dumbledore. This is stupid. You're going to rot away like this?" He scoffed.
Dumbledore's smile returned. "That's a little dramatic, isn't it?"
Draco's eyes were filled with disbelief and anger. "Only you can defeat him, and you're planning on leaving us all here?"
Dumbledore leaned back against his chair and clasped his hands together. "I thought you were going to kill me."
It was true, that was the intention, his plan all along. But hearing him say it now sent a chill down his spine. Dumbledore was their only chance and he had already accepted his fate. Should Draco do the same, too?
"I don't want to."
The professor met his eyes and smiled softly. It was the same man who accepted him each year with open arms. He was one of the rarest ones who didn't care about his dad or his imprisonment. He never treated Draco badly, even when he was wrong. Dumbledore knew he was a child, a bit problematic one, and always took that into consideration. Draco was well aware that Dumbledore had years of experience and knowledge while he was just a stupid kid whose only achievement was to be born into a rich, pureblood family.
"Help me."
His voice broke.
"I can't do much, Draco."
"Why not?? Aren't you the only person who can stop him? Then stop him! Help me hide at least!"
"I am doing what needs to be done, just like you are."
Dumbledore's blue eyes looked straight into his. He could see the sadness in them and the resignation. How could someone like him die like this?
"But I guess I can help you."
The light returned to Draco's face. "Help me how?"
"How would you feel," he leaned forward and clasped his hands together, his elbow on the desk. "About working for me in secret?"
"Working for you? How?"
"Easy," he leaned back, looking relaxed for a second and then becoming serious again. "You will kill me."
"What? I... I thought that was the whole point. Not killing you."
Dumbledore let out a chuckle and shook his head slightly. "And why do you think that would work in your favor? They need to see you can do this and, I'll make sure to have an alibi around."
"What?!"
Isn't this worse for him? How did he think that this was a good idea? If he had an alibi, Harry Potter and everyone else would know for sure that he killed Albus Dumbledore.
"I will be at the Astronomy Tower with Harry Potter about one hour from now. You will find me alone on the balcony, okay?"
"What? It's not okay! What do you mean Harry Potter? What does he have to do with this and why is he the one to see me? I can't even do this, I never cast the Killing Curse before, how can you expect me to—"
"Calm down." Dumbledore put up his hand. "I want you to be ready to kill me, alright? That's all I ask."
"But even if I did, how is that going to help me in any way? Everyone will hate me and my family even more!!"
"But not Ms. Granger."
Draco stopped to stare at him. "What?"
Dumbledore chuckled slightly. "You think I didn't realize? She was right, Mr. Malfoy, the portraits do talk to me." A playful grin on his lips.
"They talk to you?"
"Yes, they said you were spending some time together lately and I thought it was interesting for the reasons that do not need any explanation and asked them to keep an eye on you."
"Keep an eye on me?" He asked, his voice rising a bit more than he intended to.
"Both of you."
"For what?"
"Nothing. I just wanted to see how you treat each other and it wasn't surprising until lately... you both seem different. It's..." he thought of the right word for a second. "Hard."
"What does that mean?" Draco narrowed his eyes.
"To live through something like this, at this age..." Dumbledore sighed. "It must seem so unfair."
Draco was getting angrier by the second. He didn't understand why Dumbledore was making things harder for him. He didn't understand anything and he didn't want to listen to anything more.
"Professor Snape told me that she was with you when he found you on the floor of the girl's bathroom. She tried to help, as I understand, I always admired her skills but I think she was unable to do anything." Dumbledore cleared his throat.
No, she did.
"But she did."
Draco's head snapped up and he stared at him like he just read his mind.
"The mind is an interesting thing, isn't it? A mind like hers, not being able to help, she did the only thing she could think of..." Dumbledore's eyes sparkled as if he saw the scene in front of him. "A bonding spell."
Draco's eyes widened. "Yes, Professor Snape cast a spell on you to see what spells she tried to heal you and found an interesting one. Did you teach her that?"
"I..." He began.
"Ahh... I see," Dumbledore said. "It's interesting that she was willing to do such a thing for you of all people, Draco, to share someone else's pain."
"I didn't ask for her to do it."
"Yes! That's why it is so precious, it was an instinct. I am now sure that you would have done the same."
Draco did not reply. His held-up chin and his brows furrowed in defiance told Dumbledore everything he needed to know. He smiled lightly. "Well," he said standing up. "Now you know she or the others won't hate you when Voldemort is defeated, because they will know that I let it happen."
"You were serious?"
Dumbledore chuckled lightly. "What have I been talking about for the last ten minutes?"
"A lot of things and I don't think I understand you. I asked for your help, and you told me to kill you. How is that better?"
"I have one mission for you, Mr. Malfoy."
He paused for a moment.
"Be brave."
Kill him, he meant.
"Alright." Draco turned back and walked towards the door. If he was asking for it this much, okay, he would.
"One more thing."
Draco halted and turned around.
"Good luck." Dumbledore looked like he actually wanted Draco to succeed. The look on his face made the blond suspect that it might just have been the truth. "Good luck." He replied coldly. As soon as he stepped outside he started to walk away, without a glance behind himself. He went back to the only place where he could be alone with his thoughts: the Hospital Wing.
But instead...
"Draco?" Hermione's voice called out to him as soon as he got there.
He didn't answer, but closed the door and stood still with his back against it. He looked at her for a while. She was in her pyjamas, and he immediately noticed. Her hair was a mess, probably from sleeping. Why would she be here at this hour?
"Couldn't sleep?" He asked.
"No... I mean yes, I couldn't," she answered back quickly. "Why aren't you in bed?"
"Why do you ask?"
She looked appalled for a moment but quickly regained her composure. "Because you should not be walking around the castle at night."
"Is that why you're here? To tell me I shouldn't walk around, I should rest?"
Hermione didn't like the sound of his tone. It didn't sound angry and it also didn't sound like he was mocking her; it sounded like he really thought she was stupid.
"I'm here to take painkillers."
Bullshit, Draco thought before seeing the bandages on Hermione's arm. He immediately felt his heart sink in guilt as he remembered that it was his spell that caused her this injury, this pain she was feeling right now. This was exactly why he didn't want her near. An apology was about to escape his lips when he looked at her arm once again. Dumbledore was right, he had to do this. One day they would realize he was on Draco's side and knew what was coming. Draco was no traitor.
"If you took what you need, I want to rest."
He didn't miss the hurt look on her face when he walked past her to his bed and sat on it. She stayed quiet, watching him, her eyes never meeting his. He wondered if she would look at him again after this conversation but he didn't dare to say anything. He simply pulled off his shoes and socks and slowly laid down under the covers. She stood still for another minute, her eyes still locked onto him before finally turning to leave.
He hoped her to look at him once again. Even with hatred, pity, or regret. Anything at all. But it didn't happen, she didn't even give him a nod. Instead, she left the Hospital Wing and closed the door silently.
A sudden regret came crashing over him and he tried to feel the bond she created to save him. He wanted to pass his feelings through it. To tell her that he didn't mean it and that he didn't want it to be this way. To tell her that it would all be okay after some tough times. But there was nothing to feel and his words echoed back into the space between their two minds.
"That's better," he murmured to himself. Although he knew it wasn't but this was the best he could manage right now and maybe it could make things easier for him.
-
Draco didn't know how much time had passed when he left the Hospital Wing but he could feel his body starting to get heavier. He dragged his feet to the Astronomy Tower, that's where he said he would be. With Harry Potter. What deal he had with Harry that he decided to spend his last moments with him?
Draco felt a surge of anger rising within him. He was tired of this. He was furious at this. Him being everyone's favourite all the time. Being popular. Being famous. Always loved by everyone and being praised for everything he did. He hated it.
So, the thought of Dumbledore sharing his last minutes with him angered Draco. Not only at him but at Dumbledore, too. Why would he ask, no, give him permission to do such a thing? Didn't he know he was still a teenager? Why did only Potter have a privilege?
"Draco?" Dumbledore asked when he saw Draco walking out of the shadows. "What are you doing here?"
"What are you doing here?" Draco repeated, a scowl on his face.
Dumbledore noticed the change in his demeanour but wasn't bothered by it. He was rather relieved to see him like this. Full of energy waiting to be channeled.
"I like to come here sometimes, to gather some thoughts," he said and glanced down at Harry before moving so Draco, or any other person couldn't see Harry. "I believe you like it too, and not always by yourself."
There it was again. That implicating tone of his.
"And you also like to spy on your students?"
Dumbledore seemed to be turning his head when Draco extended his hand at him, revealing his wand. Dumbledore glanced at it once.
"You're better than this, Draco," he said before reaching into his robe. "And I wouldn't call it spying."
"Don't move!"
Dumbledore raised his hands and Draco immediately disarmed him, the wand flying somewhere around the corner. Draco glanced at it for a second before turning his attention back to Dumbledore. He wasn't interested in taking his wand.
"Are you satisfied?"
"Satisfied?" Draco asked. He was almost in shock. Didn't he know the situation he was in already? There was nothing in it for him. Everything, absolutely everything was about to be destroyed and he was asking whether he was satisfied or not. "How can you ask such a thing?"
"Why are you here?" Dumbledore asked. "Your wand is in an offensive position, Draco, but you don't seem like you're going to hurt me."
"You have no idea what I'm capable of!" Draco shouted. "I have done things!"
"And I believe you, but I don't think you have killed anyone yet. It is not as easy as it sounds."
It was true. He hadn't killed anyone before. But it didn't mean he couldn't, or rather wouldn't do it. He had to think of his mother who was welcoming Voldemort in her house. The thought of her doing whatever he asked her to do was enough of a reason to lift his unsteady hand towards him.
"I have to do it!" He almost pleaded. "Or he will kill me!"
"Then do it," Dumbledore said and Draco lost all his focus when he heard the man. "Do it now."
His mouth went dry, he swallowed harshly. 'No', a small part of his mind whispered. He couldn't. He couldn't bring himself to kill someone. It was unthinkable and just thinking about killing someone was making him feel sick and dizzy. "Stop talking!" he said aloud, clenching his fist tightly around his wand.
"Come on, Draco."
He thought he heard his aunt's voice in his head for a second but it was real, he had fixed the cabinet. He had finished the task that he needed to do, there wasn't much more to do. Only killing Dumbledore was left and then he was going to be done.
But why was it so hard? The words couldn't get out of his mouth no matter how much he tried. He was terrified at the thought although all the time he spent with the Dark Lord. He hadn't spent time with him personally but he got to see a glimpse into his inner world. A world that was far from what he was supposed to witness.
"Think again, Draco," Dumbledore said.
"He can't do it!" One of the men that came with his aunt spat on the ground.
"Just like his father... a coward!" Another one shouted.
The rage inside him grew bigger each time he heard them talk. He couldn't let this go on forever. He had to do something. He wanted so badly to show them his power. How much they were underestimating him.
"Enough."
All eyes turned to the man in long, black robes. The word frightened him when he heard it as a child because it meant that he would be scolded or punished. Now it was reaching out to the crowd as if it were a hand that would save him from this in-between situation. However, there was still a voice inside him that said he had to finish the job himself, and that if he didn't, things would get worse. Fortunately, without Draco heeding that voice, Snape stepped forward and held out his wand at Dumbledore.
“Severus?" Dumbledore asked quietly, his brow knitted slightly.
Draco had seen the professor's face turn into different emotions and expressions before but there was something about this one that caused a panic inside him. They were wrong! He had to stop Snape, only he could save them from Voldemort. He didn't need to be scared anymore, his mother was going to be safe too! After a long time of trying to please everyone and live a lie, he finally realised the truth, and he couldn't stand to stay with Voldemort anymore.
"Avada Kedavra!"
The green light shot across the air, hitting Dumbledore squarely in the chest. Dumbledore staggered backward, and in the blink of an eye, his body swung down from the tower's balcony. Draco could have sworn that blood had drained from his body and time stood still, but the shouts of joy around him kept him from losing focus. Before he could grasp what was happening, suddenly two hands took him by the shoulders and began to drag him down the stairs of the tower. It was as if he was running, but he had no idea where he was going to, he just went where the hands were pointing. His aunt and the men beside her continued to tug at Draco, and he found himself outside the castle watching the dreaded, skull-shaped curse in the sky. He already knew what it meant, but he couldn't believe he had seen such a sight at Hogwarts. Then he realized the gravity of the situation when he suddenly realized that they had set fire to Hagrid's cabin; Voldemort would win at any cost.
The last thing he saw just before he apparated was Harry Potter, who was lying on the ground, and Snape, who had just bent over him and said something to him. He knew that Harry's horrified expression was due to the man in front of him, but he didn't know whether it was the fact that he had killed Dumbledore or something else that had shocked and angered him so much. Draco was sure that if he had gotten to know Harry Potter at all, he would one day find out the reason for his reaction, thanks to his stubbornness and ambition to destroy Voldemort. Draco could only hope that Harry Potter wouldn't die in a stupid attempt to do it.