Chapter 6
Everything was great.
And Sirius was bored.
James was friends with everyone now, and while that meant that the project was going more smoothly, (by all accounts, Lily being more empathetic with everyone, especially James, was a huge factor in this), it also meant that…
Well, it meant less time James spent with Sirius.
It wasn't that he was jealous or anything, it was just that they'd only barely started talking to each other, laughing at the other's jokes and planning small pranks and games, and now Sirius had to share some of that time with other people.
Sirius was not big on sharing.
He couldn’t help but seethe at the sight of James and Remus exchanging ideas about books and James and Lily discussing the limits of magic and James and Marlene being so attuned to each other and who the fuck was that 'Frank' fellow and why did he keep insisting on just taking James away to meetings and reminding him of his 'princely duties'?
And what kind of name was Frank anyway? Stupid and horrible and ordinary and exactly made for that stupidly, horribly ordinary assistant of James'. Who was he, anyway? A tall, handsome, charming, good humoured man. Disgusting.
Not that he was jealous of him, of course. Or anyone, for that matter.
He was just bored.
James, to his credit, really did try to include him in most activities; he invited him to Marlene’s Astronomy ‘lessons’ and to raid the kitchens after hours; he asked if he’d read the books they discussed with Remus; he never missed an opportunity to listen to his opinions on magical theory when Lily allowed him to join in their conversations. But it wasn’t the same. He wanted more of James, only to himself.
They still chatted a bit, but it wasn’t enough.
So, imagine his vexation when he asked James out to a pub the next weekend, only to then have the whole group join in too. Especially when that Frank lad basically invited himself as well.
“You know you can’t simply ‘go out’, Prince James,” he had argued when James informed him of their plan. “The guards will need to be notified, plus the team. Yes, Prince James, the team as well. We don't want a repeat of last year. This weekend you said?" James nodded sullenly, "Great. I'll see if mum can stay with Alice then."
"You don't have to come, Frank," James said, "the team can handle little old me having a pint."
"Oh, sir no sir. As I said, I'm not repeating mistakes. You know what happened the last ti–,"
"Oh for the love of–, it was only a little photo! It wasn't even that bad. She didn't even have a wea–!"
"I'm not budging on this. If you haven't got me there I'll make sure you get Alastor."
By the way that James' eyes widened, Sirius knew that this was Frank's winning hand.
Fine. So maybe he didn't so much invite himself but rather he was required to be there as part of James’ team. And even if it hadn't been his literal job to do so, he probably would have been invited by James as his own friend. And maybe Sirius was being a little unreasonable.
But still. He'd wanted to go out with James, not all of his friends plus James' annoyingly charming assistant and whoever else this 'team' may include.
Sirius knew that he was not getting any closer to having James in his bed, but, if he was honest with himself, he wasn’t too annoyed about it.
Of course he'd love to, and he intended to keep trying, but for now it seemed as if James' friendship might've become its own treasure to Sirius.
Even if he wasn’t his, James was his friend. He was interested in what Sirius might say and he was sweet and attentive to him and so sunny, really. James was warmth and light and loveliness wrapped into one human being.
So, Sirius couldn’t really complain about not having James' naked body. After all, being his friend never prevented Sirius from looking at him, admiring him. His big brown eyes, so like honey in the sun, and his cheeks that seemed to be smiling always, and his broad shoulders and his arms and those thighs.
There was barely anything stopping Sirius from imagining things at any given time either.
He imagined James’ hands touching him, caressing him everywhere. His waist, his hips, his thighs, his arse, his neck. He imagined James’ lips on his, on his wrist, on his chest. He imagined James’ weight on him, his weight on James, the sounds they might make together.
If he was feeling particularly needy, he imagined James calling him beautiful, holding him before falling asleep together. Waking him up with tea in bed, pressing his lips on the side of his face. Naturally, casually. As if they were accustomed to it.
Needless to say, he tried to keep these fantasies to when he was alone.
Most of the time, when they were together, he imagined James confessing how much he wanted him and maybe kissing him a little. With tongue.
He probably would have had to imagine James holding his hand and wrapping his arm around Sirius’ shoulders casually and simply being close to him, had it not been for the fact that James was an incredibly tactile person, with basically no regard for proper decorum when there was no one to scold him over it.
As it was, there was no need of Sirius to picture what James’ skin felt like, (he knew that it was soft as the silkiest fabric), or how firm his arms and back were, (he knew that they seemed strong enough to hold the sky), what the warmth of his proximity felt like, (he knew it was sort of like being burned by the hottest sun of the summer), how he sounded when he was barely awake, be it tired from a long day or just woken up, (raspy and slurred, an almost petulant lilt to his usually cheerful tone).
Every single time that James touched him, Sirius felt his cheeks redden, and his thoughts would run amok. Which was why he had to make an actual effort to keep them in check until he could deal with them on his own. He succeeded, most of the time.
And then James did shit like invite Sirius to ride on his horse, Crooky, for the afternoon.
"If you hate it we can do something else. I know I've been… we haven't been together much lately. Just the two of us," James had said. Fucking thoughtful, kind, lovely, stupid James. Sirius wanted to just–, murder him and fuck him and hold him, just a little.
James made Sirius find him on the field, dressed in the most terribly snug cream coloured trousers that Sirius had ever seen. Merlin, if he'd thought his thighs looked nice before, they were positively sinful now.
He had the fleeting thought that if Remus asked him what colour shirt James was wearing, he'd never be able to answer.
Still, he forced his eyes upwards to James' own, as the prince called, "Si! You're here!"
James' excitement whenever they met face to face was like a balm to his soul. Sirius wanted to thank him a million times for making him feel wanted, appreciated even.
"Come, let me show you to the changing rooms. You'll need to get out of those clothes, they're not quite appropriate to–,"
"I'll always get out of my clothes if you're asking," interrupted Sirius with a smirk. "I need no other reason than your handsome face, you know?"
"Hah, thank you, Sirius. But I meant to say that I took the liberty to get you some clothes for this. You look very nice, but robes are not the most comfortable attire for a horse rider, is all."
"What do you consider as an appropriate attire for riding, James?" Sirius asked, trying to sound innocent and missing by about ten blocks.
"The kind of riding we're doing today requires breeches, boots and longsleeves. Does that answer your question?"
Sirius answered with a question, "is there any other type of riding you'd be interested in right now?" James didn’t answer, he only looked at him and fine, he understood. "Just checking," he sing-songed.
"Have you ever ridden a horse before?" asked James as Sirius was trying to get in the breeches. By Merlin they were tight. "Because if you haven't–,"
"Do thestrals count?" interrupted Sirius.
"I don't–, I don't think I'm quite there yet with the magical creatures course? Are thestrals magical horses?"
"Not really."
"Do they… look like horses?"
"Not particularly," answered Sirius, trying to hold his laughter.
"Do people ride them, then?"
"Occasionally."
"Do they have four legs and a mane?" asked James, somewhat desperately, mostly very amused.
"Some do," answered Sirius smiling. It was so easy to do this with James, and he never got tired, Sirius could carry on like this forever and James would only encourage him. It was as if he knew that Sirius was messing with him and enjoyed it as much as Sirius did.
It was a bit of a game they played. The one who ended with the conversation on his terms won.
"Are they large enough for an adult to ride?" James asked, now sounding playfully suspicious.
"Depends on the thestral and the adult I suppose."
"Well, then yes. I suppose they do count," James concluded.
"Awesome! The answer is no, by the way. I have never ridden a thestral before," Sirius said walking out of the changing room. James groaned and shoved him good-naturedly as they walked toward the stables. "Do hippogriffs count, though?" Sirius laughed.
"Have you ridden one?" Asked James. Sirius shook his head. "Then no, they don't count. And before you ask, really large dogs do not count either."
"I wasn't going to ask about dogs," mumbled Sirius, who was one hundred percent going to ask about dogs.
James fixed his eyes on Sirius’ pout for a moment. He elbowed him lightly, “I was only asking because if you haven’t ever ridden a horse before, then it might be better if you got on with me at first. Just to get the feel of it.”
Sirius’ entire face morphed into a wicked smile. Damn this beautiful prince and his teasing tone, dangling the possibility of so much touch as one would a delicious fruit, and damn Sirius’ complete lack of self control. He’d never pass up such an opportunity in a billion years.
“I have never ridden anything in my entire life ever ever ever,” he said cheerfully. Immediately he realised what he’d just said, “well, not any horse or thestral or hippogriff or dog but I have –,”
James laughed brightly, “there he is! Come on then. Let us teach you now.”
If anyone had told Sirius that he would spend that afternoon with James’ chest pressed onto his back, James’ breath on his ear, James’ arms around him, hands on hands, hips and legs squeezing, James’ voice giving instructions and orders, the scenario that would have appeared on Sirius’ mind would have been a very different one than the actual moment he was in now.
But that’s exactly as they were, touching almost everywhere, thinking filthy thoughts. At least, Sirius was thinking the filthy thoughts. He couldn’t tell what James was thinking, him sitting behind Sirius and all.
The main difference between Sirius’ imagination and reality was that, sadly, both boys had clothes on. Plus, they were out on a field and were riding a horse named Crooky.
If Sirius was a better man, he would have paid more attention to James’ directions. As it was, he could not for the life of him stop focusing on James, the warmth of his chest on his back, the feel of his thighs, every time he squeezed them a little when Sirius didn’t answer a question, his voice, his hands on his hands.
It was so cold out that they could see their breaths, but Sirius didn't feel it at all. This man, Merlin, this man was so–.
“Si, are you with me?”
Sirius jumped. Merlin, he needed to control himself. James was doing things to his body, his mind. Things that were hard to manage, most of the time, but especially with most of his body covering his.
“Si?” James called again. And again, damn him with that nickname. It really felt like his heart held an excitable puppy when James called him ‘Si’.
“Hm? Yes?” Sirius (most certainly did not ) squeak in response.
“I was saying that you’re too tense,” James said slowly. “Remember to try to let your calves hold your weight, not your thighs.” As he spoke he placed his hand on Sirius’ calf, as if Sirius needed help knowing where his calves were, but then his hand travelled upwards to his thigh, massaging some of the tension away. “There you go. If you squeeze with your thighs you’ll confuse Crooky. I promise I won’t let you fall.”
Oh, James, James, James. How could Sirius think of anything but squeezing his thighs when James’ hand was still moving back and forth on one? Fuck. He wanted–. He needed–.
“Sorry,” he said to James. "I'm very sorry my dear Crooky," he added in a lower tone, leaning a little closer to Crooky's head. Immediately he missed James' warmth, so he leaned back again.
Out of self preservation he let go of one of the reins and held James’ hand until he ceased the movement on his thigh, then resumed his death grip on the reins.
That hadn’t been one of his brightest ideas, in retrospect. Now, it felt as if the heat of James’ hand was branding the skin of Sirius’ thigh as effectively as a tattoo. He never wanted that hand anywhere else but on his body. He didn’t even mind the fabric of his breeches; he was almost positive that he would find a scorch mark right there on the material when James removed his hand.
Please, he thought, never remove your hand.
“You’re too quiet, Si. Is there something wrong? If you want us to go inside–,”
“No!” Sirius said, too quickly, too loudly. “Hm, I mean. No, thanks. I’m just–, I’ve never done this before. I want to keep–,” he scrambled for words for a little while. What did he want? To keep James’ hand on his thigh, for one thing. “Learning. I’d like to keep learning.”
James leaned forward, the hand that was still on Sirius’ hand lifting to his chest, pushing him back a little, to look into Sirius’ eyes. Searching, Sirius thought.
Then, without warning, he placed both hands on top of Sirius’ again and off they were, going as fast as the wind through fields and trees, cold air in their faces and laughing, exhilarated.
Sirius didn’t even have time to miss James' hand on his leg, that's how great it felt to gallop at full speed through the field.
"James! This is incredible!" Sirius exclaimed. He was trapped between James' arms and legs, but he'd never felt more free. With the breeze on his hair, James at his back, he felt unstoppable.
The scenery was beautiful, the last vestiges of autumn on the trees and on the ground. James' laughter and the sound of Crooky's hooves hitting the hard ground were like a melody.
Still, Sirius couldn't focus on it, especially after he gave up even trying and simply turned to look at James. His face was flushed with cold, his nose reddened the most, but wearing the most disarming smile, perfect teeth glinting, eyes shimmering with excitement behind dew damp glasses.
For a moment Sirius thought that an 'impervius' might help with that, but he wasn't exactly keen on pulling his wand out and pointing it directly to James' face.
The run didn't last very long, a few minutes or so, until Crooky slowed to a stop when they reached a clearing in the woods.
James and Sirius dismounted her, one with legs trembling a little, the other with that assured step he always had. As if hours and hours of horse riding did nothing to diminish his strength.
"She likes it here," James explained, voice going soft, reminiscing. "She's the one who discovered this patch of land, I suppose. Years and years ago, she just brought me here once. It was spring, then."
Sirius didn’t want to pry, nor break James out of his revelry, but it felt as though he had to do something.
He walked towards James, placed a hand on his shoulder, and James continued, "we've spent hours just… laying here, Crooky and me. I learnt some awful news here. Some lovely ones as well. And she's never let me go back home until she knew… I was alright to go back."
"She's a true friend, then." Sirius said, matching James' soft tone.
"I don't know what she feels here, nor why she likes it so much. I don't know why she likes me, either. But if I know one thing, it is that she knows, somehow, that if I've got some big feeling I need to process, some big change I should accommodate in my life… she knows. And she brings me here to do so."
The two boys stood in silence for a while, looking at the sky, minds full of thoughts, surely, but not one of them made it past their lips.
After a time, James sighed, shoulders sagging. It was as if all of the strength that held him together all the time had left him all in one breath.
And yet, it wasn’t a sad sigh to Sirius. It felt more of a sigh of relief. A rare moment of James letting go of himself, of simply existing.
Without even discussing it, the two of them fell gracefully to the ground, completely in synch, slightly damp grass below them, Sirius' hand still on James' shoulder.
Together they took in the world from their perspective. Not truly the world, of course, but the vast grounds of James' palace. But they felt as infinite as the universe in that moment. As infinite as themselves.
Sirius had to reflect again on how lucky he was, having found such a person as James in his life.
A caring, lovely, incredible person, the kind of person that saw when Sirius was a little down and pulled shite like this to cheer him up. The type of person who paid enough attention to notice, not just to satisfy his own curiosity, but to find a solution, to help.
Sirius moved a little on the ground, so that he found a better angle to look at James' face, without obstructing the view for him.
He drank James in, lost in thought, in memories. Somehow both very much away, in worlds and moments that Sirius had no part in, but also right there with him, present in a way that was rare for Sirius to witness. Not only with James, but with everyone.
Nobody opened themselves for Sirius like this, ever. Not ever had he been invited to a 'favourite place', not ever had anyone shown so much to him with no need of exchanging words.
The light of the sunset bathed James in gold. He truly was the sunniest man alive. The most exquisite, delightful, beautiful man in the universe.
"Thank you for bringing me to your spot, James."
James smiled, "I wanted to show you, Si, that I… I like being with you. I like your company; I miss it, sometimes. I think you miss mine as well. I'm sorry if I made you feel left out. I wanted to… anyway, now you're one of three people who know of this place. And one horse, I suppose," he chuckled softly.
"You, Crooky, me and… Marlene?"
James' smile was sad, but full of love when he answered, "Me, Crooky, you and my dad."
What had Remus called James? A ray of sunshine?
How wrong he was.
Could he not see? James wasn’t a ray of sunshine. No, he was sunshine.
He couldn’t put it into words, even in his own head, but in it, it was so fucking clear as an abstract concept that he really didn’t need to. He wished he could, right now.
"You are a wonder, James Potter," he uttered quietly. Somehow, he knew that James heard him. "You are… enchanting."
James flushed red, his smile fading into a soft expression, one of open vulnerability, one of hopeless fondness.
"I think you're… Si, I believe you are the most precious person I'll ever meet."
“Sirius, for fuck’s sake, I’m taking to you!”
Sirius looked up, startled, and realised that he’d been trying to put one arm inside a pair of leather trousers.
“What?” he snapped. He was getting tired of his thoughts and fancies being interrupted by his fucking friends.
“You asked us here,” said Lily, “to talk. And now you’re annoyed that we’re interrupting your thoughts?”
“I asked you here,” enunciated Sirius, “because I don’t know what to wear to a muggle pub. Not to listen to your incessant –,”
“You asked the question, Sirius,” Remus interrupted and, oh. Oops, he must have tuned himself out.
He wasn’t going to back down, obviously, but in his mind he was a little apologetic.
Ever since returning from his ride with James and his terribly inconvenient sweet words that made Sirius want to kick his feet and twirl his hair, which he would never do, by the way; his hair was too perfect to mess with it like that, Sirius' mind had taken to wandering about all the time. He remembered James' touch and the heat of his body, but most of all Sirius thought about the vulnerability, the sadness, the fondness that James had shown him.
He had told Sirius that he missed him when he wasn’t around. That he wanted time with him, same as Sirius with James. He had spoken aloud what Sirius could not; that he recognised a loneliness in him and that he'd try to fill some of it himself.
It hurt Sirius' purportedly inexistent heart, that what James was offering was friendship, nothing else.
It's not that Sirius didn't value friendship, but he knew that he wanted other things as well.
Not that he'd ever deserve those things from James, of course.
But James wasn’t showing any signs of wanting to fuck him either.
Sirius wanted something unattainable, undeserved, impossible. He was willing to settle for friendship, not that it'd ever be a hardship to be friends with James but–.
Sirius thought, maybe, they'd reach an agreement together. Not unlike the one he had with Remus before; friendship with sex on the side.
Sirius could learn to be content with that.
He'd done it before.
"He's doing it again."
"Whatever, I still haven't dressed. I'm going," said Lily.
"Where's Marlene?" asked Sirius, once again pulled from his thoughts.
"We told you, she's gone ahead with James. Something about security or whatever. I've got to change. See you at the entrance hall in fifteen," Lily said.
"The answer is yes, by the way. To your question?” Remus piped, probably sensing a fight about to break out. Accurate, if Sirius’ short fuse was any indicator.
Sirius had to make an effort to maintain a straight face, “what question was it I asked, again?”
“About James and last year, remember? It was all over the muggle news for weeks. Someone took a photo of James and some boy in a… compromising situation at a pub, apparently. Obviously the photo was never leaked but there were some severe repercussions for the woman who took it.”
“What?” Sirius growled. He felt as if his veins had been infused with a red hot fury. How dare anyone disrespect James’ privacy like that. Compromise his security, his personal life. How dare the woman feel entitled to what was James’ and only James’. Well, and the other boy’s, but fuck him, Sirius didn’t give a shit about a nameless, faceless person.
“It was pretty awful, I think. The woman had already faced previous charges over something with a weapon. Knife, maybe? Couldn’t tell you anything more, though. It was buried by the press.”
Oh, Sirius needed Remus to stop talking. He was enraged, he suddenly needed to make something explode. He could almost feel his magic sizzling, bubbling to the surface, ready to set the world on fire. His hands ached to form tight fists, but he controlled it. The distant voice of his uncle reverberated in his head. You are better than your rage, Sirius Black.
But maybe he wasn’t. Because he knew that the moment he let this anger go, all that would remain was a frightened idiot who had had a horrible idea and put the sun in danger.
"We need to go," he said. He tried to sound aloof, but judging by Remus' frown he didn't quite succeed.
"Sure, in a minute." Remus said. No, no, no, no. Remus didn’t get it. James was in danger. Sirius had put him in danger, just for a night of what, dancing? Drinking? They could do that at the palace. "Lily's getting read–,"
"I mean now, Remus. This was a stupid idea. I didn't know there were risks to going out. A knife?! We need to go get James and bring him back. We need to–,"
"Hey, calm down. James has got his team and Marlene with him. Plus he's in no danger, he's at a pub for Merlin's sake. What's the matter with you?"
"Lupin I swear if you don't start moving I'm leaving without you."
Remus must have realised that he was indeed speaking true, for he got up at once in search of Lily.
Sirius could see that Remus was only humouring him, maybe the eye-roll had been the obvious clue, but there was no fucking time to argue about it.
In record time, even with apparition, a furious Sirius, an exasperated Remus and a confused looking Lily arrived at the door of 'The smelly Squid', the club they'd all chosen for the night.
Sirius strode onwards, bypassing a big bouncer as if he owned the place. He had to find James. He needed to make sure that James was alright. He needed to see him.
The club was packed.
People dancing and drinking and whatever the fuck else were pressing against Sirius uncomfortably. He was finding it hard to take even one step towards the seats at the back, where they were supposed to find Marlene and James.
The atmosphere was suffocating; the music was too loud; the pub was too dark but white flashes of light blinked every second, blinding him; the smell of alcohol and cigarettes was almost overpowering; the stickiness of the bodies around him was disgusting.
He was about to throw caution to the wind and take his wand out to track James when he spotted him.
Instantly he felt relieved. James was fine. He was fine and he was… He looked …
James was dancing, moving fluidly to the music, as if he was the only one in the club. Sirius felt himself drawn to him, to his movement. James was like a work of art; Sirius didn’t know if he wanted everybody to stop and look at him or to hide him from everybody's undeserving eyes.
James had his eyes closed, his head thrown back a little, his hips swaying to the beat. Sirius felt the temperature of the club increase several degrees, or maybe it was him, getting worked up by the Prince.
Sirius' pace had slowed a little, taking more time to admire the way that James danced, that bead of sweat rolling from the side of his face to his neck, his arms bent above his head, holding on to–.
Sirius stopped walking abruptly.
James was holding onto someone. That someone had their arms around James' middle and was swaying in time with him. They were about the same height as James, apparently, and had their face pressed to James' neck.
“Mate, what the fuck?” Remus panted, grabbing Sirius’ arm. “You’re lucky Lily talked the bouncer down, he was ready to drag you out of here...” Sirius barely registered Remus’ words, eyes fixed on James, jealousy and protectiveness making his blood run both hot and cold at the same time. Remus continued talking, complaining more like, if his tone was any indicator. Most of the words were unintelligible to Sirius. “What are you standing here for? God, just what are you looking–,” he followed Sirius’ gaze, evidently seeing what he was seeing. “Oh.”
Right, Sirius thought. James wasn’t his, he could do whatever he liked, with whomever he liked.
He didn’t even notice he was walking towards James until he was at arms distance. Remus might have tried to stop him, Sirius didn’t know.
He reached towards the person James was dancing with and tapped them with his finger. Hard. And crossed his arms.
They lifted their head, the look on Sirius’ face must have been scary, because as soon as their eyes focused on him, they let go of James rather forcefully, almost pushing him away.
“No trouble, didn’t know,” they said, holding their arms up in surrender, but Sirius’ focus was elsewhere.
James, startled at being practically shoved away, turned around, not even noticing Sirius. “I–, is everything alright?” he asked, confused. Sirius didn’t know how he heard him through the loud music.
“Not looking for trouble,” they answered. “Didn’t know you... boyfriend,” they gestured behind him.
Only then James faced Sirius, turning back around to see what the fuck they were on about.
“Sirius! Hi!” James exclaimed. He didn't seem to notice Sirius' murderous look. “When’d y’arrive?” he slurred, smiling.
“Just now,” Sirius answered. James’ smile faded a little. Sirius realised his arms were still crossed and unfolded them. He reached a hand towards James and, leaning towards his ear he said, “mind if we have a little chat? At the bar?”
James nodded, “Let’s get you something to drink,” he said. “Where’re the others?”
Sirius didn’t respond, only steered him towards the bar, where the music was a little less cacophonous.
“Whisky, please,” James said to the bartender, “and a–,”
“Who was that?” Sirius cut him off.
James stared at him for a second. “Who?” he asked.
“The person you were dancing with, who was that?”
“Oh, not a clue,” James giggled. “Just someone I suppose.”
“Just someone?” Sirius shrieked. “James Potter you absolute idiot! You don’t know who they are?! Don’t you know how dangerous that is?!”
“Whoa, dangerous? We were dancing.”
Sirius was outraged. This man was at risk of being attacked constantly, had been attacked with a knife before, and he acted as if it was, what? No big deal? He said so to him.
Sirius could tell James was taken aback. Frowning, he said “who told you about the kn–,”
“Doesn’t matter who told me!” Sirius yelled. James' entire demeanour changed. His eyes too wide, his back too stiff and upright. Sirius ignored the feeling in his stomach that admonished him for yelling. “What matters is that you let me invite you out when you knew it wasn’t safe, and you kept it from me! And then I find you grinding on some random wanker you don’t even know!”
“Sirius, what are you on about?!” he cried, “It’s not dangerous to go out! I’m an adult, I think I can take care of myself!”
“Clearly you can’t.”
“Oh, sod off, would you? I get enough of the mum act from Frank. Hi, Remus, Lily.”
With that, James grabbed his drink and walked away, scowling.
Sirius sighed, then James’ last words registered and he turned to face his two friends, who were eyeing him carefully, as one would a bomb, or a rabid raccoon. They were both frowning.
He rubbed his face with his hands, "didn't find Marlene, then?"
"She's with Frank and some others. The 'team', I believe," Remus said, probably taking pity on Sirius.
That was gracious of him, Sirius thought. After all, he had made it crystal clear that he didn't approve of Sirius' little crush (nor pursuit) on James. He probably wouldn't believe that Sirius was concerned for James' safety, he himself knew that his interruption of the dancing was fueled by concern, yes, but also jealousy. And still, Remus didn’t appear inclined to berate him about it just now.
Lily had no such qualms. "You ought to apologise, Black." Her tone was icy, it made Sirius' temper rise a bit. "Don’t you dare contradict me. You're the one who told me James needed a break, you're the one who suggested we go out tonight."
"Before I knew it wasn't safe!"
"Apologise. Then explain. I'm not asking."
Remus put a glass of something in his hand and patted him on the back.
Remus and Lily left for the dance floor, leaving Sirius annoyed and frustrated and a little hurt, by the bar.
Why should he have to apologise? He was only looking out for James. And sure, he was practically vibrating with jealousy, and he had basically scared away someone who, perhaps, didn't mean any harm.
And right after that he had patronised James, treated him like a child. Something he'd called Lily out on before.
And he had raised his voice at James.
He had caused James to be wary, for a second there. He'd ignored it in the heat of the moment, but James had definitely been a little shaky when he yelled.
Sirius hated himself now.
Was his friendship with James over now? Had he fucked everything up? Did James not trust him anymore?
Shite, he thought. I'll have to apologise.
He made his way through the crowd after a cigarette and a shot of–, something. It was strong and it tasted like feet, but he didn't care. Liquid courage.
When he arrived at the sitting area, he found James on a settee, scowling at the floor, Marlene talking his ear off.
The moment he stepped foot onto the area about ten people tensed, discretely studied his face, then resumed their 'party faces'. Marlene leaned back on her seat, crossed his arms and looked at him, as if to say 'go on'.
Sirius armed himself with courage and stood in front of James. Extending one hand he forced out, with no small effort, "I'm sorry."
James didn't look up.
"I was an arse and a bitch and I'm sorry," he tried again.
James didn't acknowledge that there was anyone standing in front of him, but his pout gave him away. It shouldn't have made Sirius' chest fill with fondness, but alas.
"You're an adult and I was overreacting just a tad, I'm sorry, James. Truly, I am. I shouldn't have spoken to you like that."
James slowly, very slowly, lifted his head to face him. They locked eyes for one, three, ten seconds. Then, James said, "how much did it hurt?"
Sirius was confused, "did what hurt?"
James smirked, eyes alight with mischievous energy, "saying you're sorry."
Sirius' face exploded with warmth. He was sure that he was bright red, but still he answered, "very much."
Marlene cackled at this, startling Sirius. Her face was disbelieving, astonished, cheerful, smug.
Sirius felt all of his defences go up at once. He shouldn't have apologised in front of her. Sirius Black didn't apologise. Ever.
Well, except for that time with Remus, but he hadn’t known what he'd done then. And it had been only the two of them. Plus, as it turned out, he hadn't actually done anything so, didn't count.
Oh, and that time with James, in the Knight Bus.
But that had been James. James was different. He would apologise to James everyday for eternity if it meant having him beside him, just a little.
In any case, Marlene didn’t seem that interested. She and James were sat on the settee, slumped, more accurately, their eyes looked a bit unfocused.
Sirius sighed, "are you two drunk already?" he asked, exasperated.
James and Marlene giggled, looked at each other and back at him, dead eyes, large, still smiles, eerily coordinated. Their smiles were ominous, though Sirius couldn’t understand why.
"No," they said in unison. "You are," they said. "The drunk one is you," they said.
"Bloody hell that's creepy! Stop it," Sirius didn’t know whether to laugh or run away. These people, he tutted internally, they were so unpredictable sometimes.
"You stop it, Sirius. You're the drunk one," they both said. "You stop it," they said. "You stop it," they repeated.
Alright, that was borderline sinister. James and Marlene weren't even looking at each other. How the fuck did they stay so in synch? While drunk?
"What are you doing to me?" he asked, not desperately at all.
James seemed to take pity on him. He tilted his head to the side, still looking straight at Sirius. His smile left his face and his eyes seemed softer again.
Marlene huffed, "fine," she snapped, as if someone had asked her for something. "I'm finding Remus and Lily," she explained to Sirius. With one last "I'm choosing to trust you," she left the sitting area.
Sirius took a breath, then another, then sat himself by James.
What was he to say now? That he was sorry again? He still had half a mind to drag James away to the palace. But he knew, rationally, that James wouldn't particularly like being confined to his home forever and ever. Not even in the name of safety.
"It's so stupid," began James, "to complain about this when I'm so privileged. I know what I am, you know? I am rich, basically famous, I have admirers across the country, if not the globe. But I–, ugh, I like what I am, Sirius, I do–,"
"Yes, well, you should," interrupted Sirius. He wished he could avoid this conversation altogether. He knew what it was to have everything, the pressure that came with it. To be perfect seemed like a dream for some, but it was more of a gilded cage. This conversation was much too heavy to have in a nightclub. It deserved a quieter environment, possibly tissues. Not ten incognito guards surrounding them, watching their every move, music blaring, lights off.
James wasn’t having it.
"No. No I don't mean it like that. I like that I make people smile, that I can help people, that I make friends quite easily. That's me, you know? That's what I am, and my position allows me to do that, to be that. But sometimes, sometimes I feel as if I wanted to be selfish, a bit of an inconvenience. I never want to be disruptive, but I wish–, I only want to feel… free. To go out. To have fun, and fuck the consequences. To go out with my new friends and not worry about dangerous people and dangerous situations. Just for one night, I wanted to dance and make a bit of a fool of myself, with you. Fuck the press and fuck appearances." James sighed, looking a little contrite, a little disappointed. "That's why I didn't tell you about the risks."
And oh, how Sirius' heart hurt. He understood. Of course he understood. He'd grown up in similar circumstances, after all. And now…
Now it had been him wanting to keep James locked up. It had been him who made James feel guilty over wanting to have fun. He'd made James feel like an inconvenience.
James deserved everything, the world and the sky and the stars. He was so, so lovely. So lovely. And he liked Sirius, he trusted him.
And Sirius had repaid him with this? Treating him like a child, admonishing for trying to enjoy himself?
"James I'm so, so s–,"
"It's fine, Sirius," he breathed out. The both of them let their gazes stray to the people on the dancefloor. Sirius found Remus almost immediately. Difficult not to, the man was freakishly tall. He supposed that the (barely visible) red mane by his side was a very tiny looking Lily. Marlene must be off with some lovely lady or other, Sirius thought.
That is, until he saw her on the stage, dancing with the bassist of the band preparing for their performance.
Bloody Marlene.
Without looking at him, James offered Sirius his hand. Sirius would have cut his hair short before refusing it.
He felt himself being pulled to his feet, barely any space between him and James' colourfully covered (or, rather, as his shirt was half unbuttoned, almost covered,) chest. James' very toned, very broad, very nice-smelling chest.
He took a moment to look up to his face, perhaps too distracted by the visible skin of James’ chest, perhaps too scared of what might come next.
But Sirius had learned that, maybe, nothing with James was really scary. He made everything seem easy and straightforward. He made life more… more.
He set Sirius at ease. Just like that.
For when he did finally look up, James only squeezed his hand, offered a tiny smile and simply said, “dance with me.”
And how could Sirius ever refuse him?