Chapter 2
James felt just like he did when he started school at eleven. He was nervous and excited, and he missed his parents just as he did back then. It was silly, really. He wasn’t going to school, he had already graduated Uni for god’s sake. But the fact remained, he was starting some sort of school today. And sure, his teachers would be his best friend, a feisty redheaded girl who seemed annoyed at the very idea of him, a quiet, scarred lad with a wry smile and a black haired, foul mouthed, blue eyed boy who insisted on roaming his head since yesterday.
Marlene had warned James about him. “Don’t you dare, James,” she had said. “You’re a boyfriend type, build-a-life-with type, Sirius is very much not.”
James hadn’t had time to explain that, no, he wasn’t interested in him. Not in that way, at least. He was, however, intrigued. Sirius had just reminded him of–. But no. It wasn’t him. He was dead. James knew that. And even if Sirius had a connection to him, well, that only meant James couldn’t trust him. Though, it could be argued that James shouldn’t have trusted his–, (could he call him a friend?) either.
In any case, he couldn't have explained what he was desperately trying to forget, for he spent the majority of their conversation trying to convince Marlene that he was really fine, and the rest trying to convince Marlene that, really, he was fine.
“Or, at least I will be, as soon as you release my arm from those claws,” he tried to joke. She had tightened her grip, so he tried another tactic. Sighing, he said, “you know what I’m like, Marls, I get excited over anything. Those readings of emotional magic were probably just me laughing a little too hard at some joke or something.”
James loved Marlene, he really did. They were best friends, inseparable from the moment she caught his face in her hands and bit him on the nose when they were just days short of turning one, or so their parents used to say. They grew up together, they knew each other inside and out. But right now this was a problem.
Marlene had never been one to let things go, James knew. And he couldn’t handle it right now. He was fine, truly. His nightmares had abated somewhat and he rarely woke up covered in glass from the chandelier he’d make explode anymore. He was fine. He had no need for classes, no need for him to be 'incorporated' into the Wizarding World, though it did sound rather appealing, and he most certainly had no need for psychological help. He was just fine.
Marlene was not convinced, if James sat in front of a desk with parchment and quills ready to be used, facing a chalkboard, waiting for his teachers to arrive, was any indication.
But seriously. Parchment and quills?
Of course he’d known that Marlene’s school was pretentious as fuck, but quills? What was wrong with pens and notebooks? It was as if they were trying to live the stereotype. Like someone had watched The Sword in the Stone once and had decided that this was going to be the aesthetic from now on. All that they needed to complete the picture was an elderly, crazy wizard with a long, white beard who acted as if he was perfect. Also, robes? Trousers and shirts were quite alright for him, thank you very much. Although he had to admit, that Sirius bloke really could pull off the look. His clothes were simple enough, dark trousers and black leather boots, black shirt and dark blue, open robes over it with a touch of silver around his neck and an atrociously large, green ring around his finger. But he wore them with an unstudied air, casual, as if there was nothing clashing about the style.
Lily seemed less at ease with her robes, he noted when she entered the classroom. He wouldn’t call her ungraceful, but she moved less assuredly in them. If he had to guess, the robes weren’t her first choice of attire. It seemed that the dark blue robes were the designated uniform for workers of the Ministry of Magic. Or, at least, of their division, (department?). James could sympathise, he had to wear truly ridiculous uniforms every time the whole Family had to make appearances in public.
“Good morning, sir,” said Lily after laying her bag on the teacher’s desk. She nodded to Marlene, who was sat sulkily on the window seat. She’d lost a fight over a biscuit that morning. She ought to have known better, mused James. She’d roused James by pushing him off the bed this morning. James couldn’t threaten her with a charge for treason anymore so, biscuits.
“James, please.”
“Alright, good morning, James. Remus and Sirius are to be late this morning, they’ve got some business to attend to.”
“Last night?” Asked Marlene quietly. Lily nodded minutely. James threw Marlene an inquisitive look but she just stuck her tongue out at him. Lily continued.
“First I’d like to start by explaining a bit of the magical world, if that’s alright with you?”
“I know a bit, though. Couldn’t we just jump right to it?”
“James.” Marlene didn't even try to hide the warning in her tone. James closed his mouth.
And so, two and a half million hours were spent in learning or relearning about the Wizarding World. About Hogwarts Houses, ("You could have never got in Ravenclaw, that's for sure.") ("Wait, so the traits and values you held at eleven impact the rest of your life? Your career? Your opportunities?"), about Diagon Alley, ("If it occupies no space in muggle London then... is it a TARDIS type space?"), about Knockturn Alley, ("Is it open during the daytime as well?"). About blood purity and bigotry, ("Blood purity? As in alcohol 0% type purity? Wait. What is purity? Oh, we've repeated 'purity' so many times that it's lost its meaning to me now.").
James could tell that Lily was getting more and more exasperated by his questions. He really did try to hold his tongue, but he was curious by nature. It didn't help that every time he spoke up, Marlene laughed. Nothing warmed James' heart as the sound of his friends' laughter, and being the cause of it.
"Oh, for heaven's sake! I'm done."
"Sorry, was that rude? I didn't–. I apologise. I'll stay quiet. Well. I'll try to stay quiet. Marlsy, tell her. You'll help me stay quiet, yes?" James tried for an angelic, apologetic smile.
"I will certainly do no such thing, this is hilarious," was Marlene's unhelpful response. Her grin grew impish when she addressed Lily. "You're the teacher, Evans. Will you not answer the student's question? What was it, James? Is the blood of purebloods the same colour as that of muggleborns?"
"No. I mean it. I'm done. I'll let Sirius or Remus continue with the general knowledge portion of the course. I'm not here to play, and your silly questions do not amuse me, sir."
James gawked, affronted. He hadn't been trying to be disruptive. Before he could apologise for the hundredth time, Marlene interrupted him.
"I can teach him!" Her tone was full of gleeful mischief.
"I don't trust you to teach him real things, Marlene."
"Good call."
"We're doing Magical theory next, but we'll have a break now. If I keep staring at your faces for a minute longer this class may result in murder." James laughed nervously at Lily's no nonsense tone. One glance at her tightly closed fists and Marlene’s unsure smile convinced him that she was being entirely honest.
James wished he could say that the next topic was more successful.
Alas, it was not.
The first hours of the morning had taken their toll on James. He was exhibiting enormous amounts of self control by not going off on his teacher. James liked to think that he was a mild mannered person, easy to get on with. What is more, he wasn’t a bad student; he paid attention, he engaged in the class, he asked questions. Lily Evans’ dismissal of his curiosity as disruptive behaviour and her obvious dislike of him grated on his nerves.
The second class (lecture?) of the day had started out alright. Lily wasn’t a bad teacher, she knew how to make a subject interesting, and she was eloquent in her explanations. It wasn’t her method that James disregarded, and she was clearly knowledgeable in the area. The problem was the information itself. Again, he wasn’t trying to be annoying or to disrespect her, it’s just that she was teaching him stuff that he knew for a fact wasn’t exactly... true.
First, it had been the matter of spells. Lily had explained that spells needed words for them to work. James waited impatiently for her to finish, raised his hand and said that he had never needed to know or say a word for magic to do what he wanted. If he wanted to summon something from practically anywhere, all he had to do was think and it’d come flying to him. Again, Lily clearly didn’t like that at all. She threw him a severe look and continued.
After that, it had been the matter of the wands. James hadn’t seen a need for one. He had lived without one until then. If he wanted to hide below the heavy four poster bed, all he had to do was point his palms at it and think and it’d float for him. Lily was not having it. Again and again she repeated that channelling one’s magic through a wand made for better and clearer results.
“But you saw what I can do, the figurines I made yesterday, the transformation of the match into some other shit made of different shit. I just don’t want to use a wand, nor do I need one. I’ve told Marlene about a hundred times! My magic is under control and you clearly don’t want to teach me, so why on earth are we still here?”
James was upset. He knew he was, and he knew he shouldn’t have raised his voice. It wasn’t that he couldn’t take criticism, or that he was unaccustomed to hearing sharp words. He usually laughed them off, even encouraged them sometimes. But Lily’s were not just sharp words, she was being quite unfriendly and unyielding. He’d been trying to have a conversation with her; about his magic and his learning. Lily’s derisive attitude had something of an edge to it. It wasn't just her being a mean person. He could deal with a mean personality. But it wasn't; something about James was the problem. James wasn’t used to people not liking him, especially if they didn't know him. It put him on edge.
Lily groaned, infuriated. She walked towards a vase of flowers, grabbed it and placed it on James’ desk. “Just look,” she said from her place in front of his table, and took one of the flower buds in her hand. It slowly began to grow and change colour, from a green little ball in her hand, it became a small, pale, purple blossom.
“But that’s just proved my point!” Exclaimed James.
“Just look,” she repeated, rolling her eyes. She took her wand out of her pocket and suddenly James was pushing himself back, feeling all the blood drain from his face.
It was as if he wasn’t there anymore. He was lying on a cold table, a wand pressed to his temple, his neck, his chest, his hands. A wand pointed to his forehead. He was in pain. His thoughts were being inspected by someone other than him. He was begging for it to stop. He felt small and helpless.
“Hello?”
The voice snapped him out of it. He hadn't realised he'd been frozen to the spot. James unclenched his hands from the chair he'd been gripping rather viciously, blinked hard and flashed everyone the biggest smile he could muster.
“Whew, sorry about that! Was startled, is all! Hello, Remus, Sirius. How are you this beautiful morning?” James knew his tone was perhaps a bit too chirpy. He tried to tone it down. Lily’s face was calculating, Marlene’s... He didn’t want to look at Marlene’s. “We’ve started without you, I’m afraid. Though judging from miss Evans’ attitude I’d say you’ve not missed much. It seems that I’m a rather terrible student,” he chuckled. All of it was said in one breath. He took a second to settle his nerves.
“Lily, a word?” Marlene’s eyebrows were scrunched together, eyes full of concern and a hardness James recognised as her signature ‘serious talk’ look “James, why don’t you fill the boys in on what you’ve learned today?” Without waiting for a response from either of them, she walked through the door with purpose. Lily followed.
James turned to the two men and smiled, but it faltered when he took notice of how tired and, frankly, sickly Remus looked. His eyes were closed a third of the way and seemed unnaturally glossy. His skin was the colour of ash. He stood a little lopsidedly, leaning on Sirius, shoulders hunched and stiff. Even his clothes were in a state of disarray, as if he’d dressed too quickly or without a mirror.
“By God, Remus, what’s happened? Are you quite alright? Stupid question, obviously you’re not. What can I do? Shall I call for someone? Would you like to lie down?” He looked at Sirius for help and noticed that he too seemed a little more rough around the edges than the day before, though nowhere near to Remus’ state. He had dark circles below bloodshot eyes, but at least the pallor of his skin was healthy, if a little pale.
Sirius was looking at James, staring, more like, mouth open just the littlest bit, pink tongue caressing his front teeth. James’ eyes fixed on the movement without his permission. Listen, James was only a man. One couldn’t look like Sirius and stare at anyone as if they were a whole meal without prompting at least a blush. Forcing his eyes to Sirius’, praying that his face wasn’t as red as it felt, James cleared his throat loudly and gestured towards Remus.
Sirius turned his head towards his friend, face softening a little before flashing James a grin, all teeth. “Come on, you old knob, one night of drinking is not supposed to break you down so completely. I always knew I could hold my liquor better than him,” he said to James, guiding Remus to the sofa.
"Piss off, Sirius. I'm alright, sir. Thank you. Tell us about the morning, please."
James wasn't an idiot. He knew deflection when he saw it, but there was a look in Remus' eyes that pleaded for him to not to push, not to ask, to pretend. It went against every fibre of James' being, but he could do that for him.
For a little while at least.
And so he told them a little about what he learned and what he thought about it and about how one of them was now to be in charge of the general knowledge shite, to which Sirius responded by jumping from his seat, offering his services rather enthusiastically. The word 'services' was accompanied by a suggestive smirk and a blink on James' direction.
He had noticed the day before that Sirius' jokes and come-ons were almost always punctuated by these strange blinks. It took James too long to realise that Sirius was trying to wink. Did he not know he was closing both eyes?
Well, it wouldn't be James who told him. It looked absolutely adorab– funny. It looked funny. He didn’t know if he could trust him yet, he couldn’t very well start thinking of him as ‘adorable’ when he wasn’t sure if he was someone to be apprehensive about. Still, there was something almost magnetic about Sirius. James found it difficult to tear his eyes away from him, if only because he was studying him, searching for answers, he knew, he probably wouldn’t get.
Just when James thought he'd been staring at Sirius for too long, Remus tried to reach towards Sirius to pull him down but he winced visibly and held his side with a hiss.
Instantly Sirius' face twisted in a grimace. He sat down next to Remus again, concern for his friend bleeding into his features. And there it was again. That expression. James was certain that he'd seen that exact same expression on another face. Another face, of another boy. The two couldn't have been more different; but in moments such as these, they could have been mirrors of each other. When worried about their friends, they favoured each other.
“Remus you look like shite, babe,” Marlene’s voice sounded from the door.
She was walking behind Lily, almost as if pushing her through the door. Lily looked, somehow, both chastised and defiant. Marlene’s expression was properly well pleased. Evidently, their conversation had gone the way she wanted it.
“I’m sorry, but you really do,” said Lily softly. “You could lie down if you wanted to. We’re almost done for the day anyway. Or you could–,”
“Leave him be, Evans. He’s just tired.” Sirius interrupted her.
“Yeah, I’m just tired,” Remus lied unconvincingly.
Sirius faced the two girls, daring them to contradict his friend. It was a fierce look, James thought, it was hot as fuck. Not hot, he corrected himself. Delectable? Fuck. That’s worse. ‘Impressive’ was the word he settled for.
Lily held her hands up in surrender. Marlene snorted, “right. Whatever you say.” It was clear that she didn’t believe him either, but she was giving him an out. Both Sirius and Remus looked relieved by this answer.
James was affronted. How come she’d let him off so easily? He felt a rush of jealousy course through his body, but it subsided when he remembered that Marlene abhorred pushing people’s boundaries about this stuff, and yet, she’d been willing to do it for James.
“Anyway,” Marlene continued. “Lily, you wanted to say something? To James?”
Lily glared at her for a second, then sighed.
“Sir. I mean. James. I apologise for the way I acted today during class. It was unprofessional and rude. I never meant to let my personal feelings interfere with my job. I disrespected you and your curiosity, as well as disregarded your valid concerns and points. More importantly, I probably hindered your ability to trust me and the rest of this team. I assure you that I will do my best to keep this from happening again,” she said. It was in a monotone voice most of the way through, as if rehearsed, but by the end she seemed to actually believe what she was saying. She went on, “If you’d prefer not to have me as your teacher, I’d completely understand.”
“What did you do, Evans?” Asked Sirius sharply, at the same time that James said, “It’s quite alright, I’m sorry for being annoying.”
They locked gazes. Both rather surprised by the other's response. James wanted to explain to Sirius that it wasn't really Lily's fault, that it had been his inability to be quiet and to tolerate someone not liking him. But words failed him. He was too lost in Sirius' eyes, his intensity. He seemed to be asking him a million different questions and James had the silly thought that he understood each and every one of them. 'What did she do?', 'Why are you apologising?', 'Are you alright?', 'Are you alright?', 'What should I do?', 'What do you want me to do?'
Not only was it rather silly of James to believe he could read such questions in Sirius' eyes but it was also quite impossible that Sirius would ever ask them. James got the feeling that Sirius wasn't exactly fond of offering help with words. He'd seen how he'd taken care of Remus only minutes ago, all the while blabbering something about him being "an old sock", never once mentioning the massive elephant in the room of Remus clearly being unfit to stand, nevermind work.
Sirius was still staring into him, but now it felt less angry, more… suggestive. God, James thought, wishing his blush away. He would never figure him out completely. Who was he? Who was he? Who was he? Why did James want to figure him out?
Why had he got so upset on James' behalf? Sirius seemed to be a short tempered person, and he and Lily didn't seem to get along all that well, for all that they were friends. But their short lived disputes the day before hadn't been like this. Friendly jabs, yes, reasonable disagreements, also yes. Even a few glares, thrown here and there, but not outright hostility. It occurred to him that it might have to do with James being Marlene's, and her being worried about him, and the project. The idea didn't please him one bit. He didn't need help, nor H.E.L.P.; he was fine. This was pointless. He caught himself sounding like a child and tutted internally.
"Jesus, should we leave?" Whispered Remus loudly from his seat. He sounded a mixture between wry and disgusted. Both James and Sirius looked away, though not before James could perceive a rosy tint right at the top of Sirius' cheekbones. It suited him.
"I should think not!" Protested Marlene, just as Lily said, "Please."
"I'm not finished with you, Evans." Sirius warned.
"Not now, B–, er Sirius. James, there’s still about half an hour before Marlene and I need to leave. I think we should at least finish the class, don’t you?" James didn’t want to. He felt drained already, but he nodded anyway. “Right, where were we? Oh, yes. Wands. I was about to demonstrate how much easier it would be to use magic with it. Look,” she positioned herself next to James, both in front of the vase, close enough for him to appreciate what was happening but far enough that James didn’t feel trapped.
So he didn’t like wands, sue him.
He appreciated the effort, though, so he did his best to pay attention. Still, he heard Sirius and Marlene having a hushed little chat, and he also heard Remus telling them off.
“When using spells and wands, one must be clear with their meaning and precise on their intent. Always must the caster make eye contact with whatever or whomever it is they’re enchanting. The wand movement offers some margin as to its exactitude, but not much. If unsure, the caster should stick to the theory. For example, herbivicus,” she intoned. In the blink of an eye the whole vase was in bloom. James had to admit that it was beautiful, but he felt somewhat nettled. He too could have done that. He just hadn't seen the need to do it. He tried for a way to tell her this, without sounding like an arrogant twat, but in the end he gave up. He was arrogant and also he was right.
Without making eye contact with her, he walked towards another vase of flowers and deposited it on the desk. He pointed his palms at it and thought, 'Please don't make me look stupid and please please please blossom at least as well as Lily's vase please'.
The vase bloomed, James sighed in relief. Marlene and Sirius cheered on him as if he'd won the World Cup, he tried not to let it go to his head, but he failed. Remus looked at Lily pityingly. James didn't dare take in Lily's expression in its entirety, but her frustration with him was practically tangible.
James saw Lily turn away from him out of the corner of his eye. She was still for a while, breathing audibly. Then, straightening, she pointed her wand towards another vase, but it was Sirius who spoke the words, stepping closer to James, as if unconsciously. James hadn't even realised that his wand was in his hand, moving in rapid motions towards every painting, carving, sculpture of a flower, as well as every real one in the room. All of them jumped from where they were, be it an arrangement in a vase, a meadow in a painting, a carving on a piece of furniture, even Lily's hair do, and took to blossoming to their full extent, growing much more in size than it should have been possible. In very little time, all five of them were surrounded by flowers. It was a beautiful sight, or it should have been, for there were so many of them, and so big, that the light from the windows had been almost completely obscured.
James stood taller, he recognised a challenge when he saw one. Spreading his arms to his sides and closing his eyes he thought again. Not in his normal thinking voice, but the one much deeper inside, the one he could feel in his belly. The one that sounded like his father's lullabies and felt like his mother's hugs and something else, entirely James'.
When he opened his eyes he found himself right in front of Sirius, who had evidently moved during James' thinking, and whose face, for once, wasn't hiding anything. He was stood rather closely to James, close enough that James could feel his presence, maybe even his warmth. Sirius was looking around them, his features bathed in softly glowing colours, pinks and blues and yellows and oranges, true delight shining through in his open smile and twinkling eyes. James didn't know why he was acting so, but he knew it was because of him, of what he did. He didn't even need to check the results, thought James, he felt validated just by having Sirius so entranced.
"Oh, James, it's beautiful," said Marlene.
James spun around, curiosity peaked. All around there were flowers, yes, but now each and every one of them was glowing with a colourful light, reflecting on each other and the rest of the room.
He and Sirius had done this. Without Sirius' flowers, the lights would have been too bright and rather… purposeless. What are brightness and warmth for, if not to make the flowers grow? Without James' lights, the flowers would have obscured their own beauty, not to mention their life source. What is a flower in darkness, where it cannot develop?
Smiling, he faced Sirius to congratulate him, and also to boast himself of his own magical prowess, but Sirius spoke before he could.
Without taking his eyes off James, he whispered, "Beautiful? No. It's magnificent."
It took a few seconds, but when Remus took his wand and started clearing the room of the flowers, Sirius finally closed his mouth and looked away, clearing his throat. He kept clearing his throat for ages after that. James was sure it was unconsciously done. Sirius obviously hadn't intended to speak those words aloud.
James wasn't a stranger to people complimenting him. He considered himself somewhat of an expert when it came to guessing people's motives. Usually, compliments fell under the category of 'wanting to bed a royal', which is what he thought Sirius wanted. Yesterday's lunch had been filled with innuendo, even a couple of outright offers by Sirius. He'd been flattered, of course, but hadn't wanted to humour him. It was rather easy for James to decline people's advances. The more inappropriate and outlandish the proposals, the easier it was to reject them. It had been no different with Sirius.
But this? This would be a problem. James was weak for softness, vulnerability. He adored being complimented when the other person meant it. When it was more than people just finding him attractive, or people being impressed by his family, his status. The way to James' heart was to be utterly unimpressed with anything he had or was, that hadn't been accomplished by him, on his own merits.
Oh god, he thought. I'm going to start liking him now, aren't I? It felt frivolous, but it had been such a long while since someone saw him as something more than a prince to fuck, that he couldn't help it. He would start liking Sirius now.
Sirius' closed off face didn't fool James. He'd seen it wide open just moments before, as see-through as a face could get without physically turning transparent. If anything, it only made James more determined to find out every last thing about him.
The others didn’t seem to notice anything, though. Remus was still taking down the flowers, putting everything back in order, Lily giving instructions, Marlene complaining about the time. Sirius was still looking everywhere but James.
Just then, James’ mind decided to remind him that he didn’t quite trust Sirius yet. Still, another part of his brain suggested that Marlene would have warned him if there was anything to be worried about. She had only mentioned the relationship thing, though. That wouldn’t be a problem. He would be his friend, not his lover.
Frank, one of the people in charge of James’ schedule, knocked on the open door of the room and entered without permission. Thank merciful Christ that Remus had just then finished with the tidying up.
“Apologies, sir. You asked to be reminded of today’s duties after your class was finished?”
“We kept him, I’m sorry,” Lily said apologetically.
“Yes yes, we’re leaving now. Remember James, astronomy tonight at midnight. We’re definitely not smoking anything up in that tower, wink wink.” Marlene actually said ‘wink wink’. James couldn't help but laugh and kiss her cheek. He noticed Sirius zeroing in on the movement, expression troubled.
Lily rolled her eyes, but didn’t comment on it. “We’ll talk about class later today. During dinner, I think. If you care to join us. I have a feeling we’ll need to plan this out more thoroughly than we did today.”
With that and a few hurried goodbyes, everybody but Frank and him filed out of the room. James sat on the window seat and prepared for another shockingly boring schedule debrief.