finding a way back
Sirius had lied. He wasn’t going to Italy, and there was no Miranda.
“Did he pick you up?”
“Yes. I’m in the car, on the way now.” Sirius was scared. He knew he was all alone now, and there was no looking back.
“I’ll see you in half an hour, son.”
He had decided to give up, and give his father what he wanted. But, he wasn’t going to let his dad close the shop. He had given it to Remus, leaving him to be in charge of everything now, making it impossible for his father and his father’s men to close down the shop. He would agree to start working for his company, even though it meant he had to leave everything behind. He didn’t even want to think about how much it would hurt his friends, how hurt Remus would feel and whatever plans Benjy now had with Remus.
The drive back to 12 Grimmauld Place was disturbing in every way. He wasn’t thrilled to meet his mother’s eyes again, he was scared. And he’d meet his old butler again, and all the poor people working for his family. And the ‘lovely’ old family dinners they’d host.
Why am I torturing myself, he thought. He knew he was doing the only right thing for his shop.
—
The car pulled over, and Sirius was at his old house.
He wanted to throw up, punch something or maybe even scream. All the memories came back, and he remembered why he had left.
The doors opened, and his mother’s face met his.
Fuck.
She wore one of her fancier dresses, one with a deep colored red skirt and black laces. She was smirking, probably too satisfied for her own good to see her son again. “My Sirius, oh my. You look… Well, I guess my ladies are gonna have you fixed, aren’t they?”
She pulled him into a tight hug. He couldn’t breathe. Her nails were digging into his shoulders, and it was hurting him, thinking about how he used to get bleedings because of her nails.
“Sirius, my dear oh brother.” It was Regulus. He had wished their meeting again would be heartwarming, and thoughtful, but no. Regulus had become a slave of his parents’. “Your little boytoy didn’t mention the jewelry in your face, and what, you probably have drawings all over your skin too?”
“I missed you.” Sirius rolled his eyes.
He had made a mistake, he needed to go back, he needed to tell Remus he wanted him as his boyfriend, he needed to be there for when Lily and James’ baby would come, he needed to be there for his shop.
“I think I left something in the car.” He moved around to open the door, but was stopped.
His mother giggled. “You’re not going anywhere.”
Sirius was terrified.
—
It had been a week, and none of them had heard anything from Sirius.
“He’s probably fucking bitches as we speak.” Remus was suffering. He was overthinking, and everyone, even their customers, had to hear about it. And this time, the victim was Benjy. “He doesn’t love me, he doesn’t care about me!”
Benjy sighed. “Have you tried calling him?”
“Duh!”
“Well.. Try again?”
James entered the office. “Are you talking about Sirius?”
“Yeah, have you heard of him?” Benjy was annoyed. He couldn’t really stand Sirius and Remus’ relationship, he wanted Remus for himself. “Remus is going nuts,” he said on his way out of the office, having had enough of hearing about the same thing for twenty minutes straight.
James was afraid too, he didn’t know what had gotten into Sirius, but he seemed strange the past few times he had seen the poor bloke.
“Don’t worry mate, I’m sure it’s nothing, ight?”
Remus smiled, he wanted to believe James.
But they hadn’t set words on what they were, and it worried Remus. What if Sirius was fucking around, and hadn’t been serious when he told his feelings? Remus overthinked everything, and thought of every romantic conversation they’d had before he left.
—
(04:02) From: the man i wanna marry
I can’t sleep. I’m worried, Sirius. I love you so fucking much and it annoys me you haven’t replied to any of us. What the hell is going on? Call me.
Sirius was lying in his bed, and he didn’t want to sleep. There were no locks on the door, and his old room brought too many unhappy memories back. He was scared to sleep, who knew what would happen if he did?
He was reading the messages on his screen as they popped up, he couldn’t let Remus know he had read them.
(04:10) From: the man i wanna marry
I’m so pissed at you.
Sirius froze.
(04:11) From: the man i wanna marry
You’re hurting me, James and everyone else. We just want to know if you’re alright. James is gonna break soon, he’s just too scared to talk with me about it, he’s scared I’m gonna have a meltdown, which I’m going to have soon if you don’t answer me.
Sirius never wanted to hurt any of them.
(04:15) From: the man i wanna marry
You’re probably fucking some bitch. I have every right to be hurt, and to overthink.
Sirius felt tears in his eyes.
(04:16) From: the man i wanna marry
Do you expect me to just wait for you until you come back, even if you’re not replying to any of us?
Sirius was crying.
(04:17) From: the man i wanna marry
What do you want from me?
Since Sirius was crying, his sight was blurry and he didn’t look where his fingers touched the screen. He accidentally opened the App “Messages”, making all the texts from Remus ‘read’.
“No! No no no no, fuck!” Sirius slapped himself.
(04:19) From: the man i wanna marry
You’re alive!?
(04:20) From: the man i wanna marry
Answer me right fucking now!!!!
Twenty minutes passed, and Sirius’ phone kept ringing and beeping, and he was too afraid to even look at it.
(04:41) From: the man i wanna marry
You’re ignoring me, and I think you’re an idiot. You’re not denying any of the things I’m asking or stating about you!?
Sirius’ cheeks were wet from the tears he’d cried the last thirty minutes.
(04:46) From: the man i wanna marry
I’m done. There wasn’t an official ‘us’ anyways, but you could kinda say I’m breaking up with you.
No!
Sirius’ heart sank. At that moment, all he wanted to do was call Remus and tell him everything, declare his undying love and all that. He wanted him to know the truth, but as much as it hurt, he knew he couldn’t; he had to save his friends from his family.
—
Lily was studying her husband as they were eating breakfast. He was playing with his cereal, and he hadn’t even touched the bacon Lily had cooked him to be sweet. Everyone in the shop had been weird since Sirius left, but she was worried about James’ wellbeing. She was worried for Sirius too, but she knew he always did crazy stuff and would be okay (he wasn’t), she just wanted her husband to act normal.
“James.” Lily was upset with James. Everyone in the shop was acting differently, most of them worried sick about Sirius, and didn’t want to bring it up around Remus. “Spit it out, I know you want to talk about it.”
James were quiet.
“Sweetheart..” Lily was impatient. “I love you. I won’t judge, please talk to me?”
“It’s just..” James had tears in his eyes, even if he tried to deny it Lily could still see it. “I have this weird feeling he’s not where he says he is.”
Lily frowned. “How come?”
“Well, he’s never spoken about any Miranda lawyer, and he’s pretty much told me everything, you know? We’ve practically been brothers for fifteen years, and it’s just.. Italy? Sirius has always dreamed of going to Italy with Remus, but he didn’t want him to tag along?” James was trying to make it all make sense, because he wanted it to be true, he just seriously didn’t believe any of it. “And I got this thought yesterday.. What if he’s at Grimmauld?”
Lily shook her head, smiling. “You’re dumb. He wouldn’t go back, honey.”
“Wouldn’t he?” James was getting defensive. “His dad, and brother, threatened him. He’d do anything to protect us, even if it meant going back to that shit show!”
Lily was pouring James a cup of coffee.
“I think you’re just stressed.”
“You don’t know him like I know him, Lils.”
Lily raised an eyebrow. “I know he’s stupid, but he’s not an idiot.”
“Lily, you can’t-”
“James.” Lily cut him off. “Eat your bacon.
—
Sirius wanted nothing more than to lay in his bed and cry all day. Remus had just broken up with him.
“Are you ready to get started, son?”
He was with his father at their office, having to spend the rest of his life in a building owned by the Black family, working with his family and against his family’s enemies, doing boring work about money and other rich people stuff, while having to wear a tux all day long. The only ‘fun’ he’d had was poker evenings, and bar nights at illegal stripper clubs his father owned.
Oh how he already hated it.
—
James had taken the day off, he wanted, no, he needed to find Sirius.
“Why are you searching ‘Grimmauld Place’?”
Remus was standing in the doorway with coffees in his hands. He handed one to James, and sat down next to him.
“Uh..”
“Isn’t that where all the rich jerks live?” Remus was curious now. “Mum used to tell me and my friends to never go there while we played around London.”
“I have a friend there,” It wasn’t a lie. “You look tired.”
Remus snorted, “thanks?”
“It wasn’t meant like that,” James rolled his eyes. “What’s going on with you, not getting any sleep?”
Remus shook his head. “I broke up with Sirius.”
“Oh.” James, for once, didn’t have anything to say. He hadn’t expected it.
—
Twenty one hours later, James was standing in front of 12 Grimmauld Place.
He didn’t know what to expect at all. Would he be met with kind people, or would he be met with someone trying to slap him? He knew he didn’t want to meet any of Sirius’ family members, but he was also smart enough to know Sirius probably wouldn’t be the one opening the door. If he was inside, it was probably as a hostage. James had also been smart enough to be wearing a suit, trying to look as if he fitted in. He was going to act as if he wanted to do business with them.
He took a deep breath, and rang the doorbell.
The house was old, but looked and smelled rich. James had grown up with money, but not that kind of money.
The door opened.
Sirius’ mother. She was even scarier looking than James had ever predicted.
“Yes?” She quirked an eyebrow, and eyed James closely.
“Hello, I’m a friend of the Malfoy’s,” James had also been smart enough to have done some research about the family tree and their friends, “and I’ve been sent here to get some personal business sorted. I’m in need of either your husband, I assume, or your first born, please.”
She considered it for a moment.
“Sirius!” She screamed, from the top of her lungs. Sirius ran down the stairs, he looked terrified.
As soon as their eyes met, he looked panicked.
“This is.. I didn’t catch your name, and it’s unimportant.” She smirked for herself. “Sirius, dear, this young man is here to grant you business. May you two work nicely.”
She left the two of them alone.
“Well, follow me sir..”
They walked the stairs, and James watched the walls and every decoration there was. It looked the same as the few pictures he’d seen from Sirius’ photobook.
As soon as they were in what he assumed was Sirius’ room, Sirius locked the door.
“What the hell are you doing here?” Sirius angrily whispered.
“No, what are you doing?” James was also angrily whispering. “What do you think you’re doing?”
“I’m protecting you from my family!”
They had to whisper, otherwise they’d get caught and Sirius would be a dead man.
“Have they hurt you, Sirius?” Suddenly James was serious, and he seemed worried.
“No, they haven’t.” Sirius sighed. “You have to leave, mate.”
“No!”
“Yes!”
“I’ve come to save you from them, Sirius!” Sirius looked even more panicked now. “You can’t stay here. Listen, Remus and I have collected money, everyone from the shop is willing to pay if your dad throws anything against us. “We can survive it.”
Sirius was crying. He hated how emotional he was.
“Really?”
“Yes, really.” James smiled. “There’s no way I’m letting you stay here. I’ll tell you all the details later, we just have to get you out now!”
Sirius knew it was now or never. Did he want to stay at Grimmauld, the place where all his childhood trauma were, or did he want to escape and live the life he had made for himself and the one that suited him so well?
“Let’s jump.”
—
A few hours later, the whole shop was busy, filled with people, and everyone was working. It was one of the good days, the mood was great and everyone was happy.
Remus was working too, and it made him think of something else than Sirius. He honestly just wanted to rest and have a day off, but with Sirius, and apparently also James, being away, he had to help the rest of his colleagues and show up. But he was enjoying himself, so it was alright.
The door’s bell opened, and Remus dropped his iced coffee. He froze, and his heart started to beat.
Sirius.
He felt sick.
“Sirius my dear! How was Italy?” Lily was hugging him.
Sirius was searching the room with his eyes, until they landed on Remus, who was looking away. He looked at Lily again, and smiled awkwardly, “I.. uh, I never went.”
“What?” It echoed through the shop, and everyone was now next to Sirius, wanting answers.
“Where did you go then, why’d you just leave us mate?” Frank was confused.
“I went back to Grimmauld, okay!”
“What’d you fucking do!?” Remus was furious. He was standing next to the others, having just yelled. He saw red, and he felt himself heat up from his anger. Not only had Sirius lied to him, he’d been in the same city ignoring him, and went back to Grimmauld place, out of all places on earth? He felt like punching something, preferably himself for believing in Sirius’ stupid lies again, and not having had any idea that Sirius could’ve gone back, not even having had the tiniest suspicion.
Sirius did not look well.
“Are you really just gonna walk in here, and act all big and proud? You went back, you went back, you fucking went back to Grimmauld place, Sirius! Why, why did you fucking do something so bloody utterly stupid? And not only that, you didn’t tell any of us!” Remus was close to Sirius’ face, yelling. He was so, so so so, done. “Sirius, we’re your family, not them! Oh, and how about that Miranda girl? Was she a lie too? Did you actually call for her help? Or were you behind our back this entire time? Tell me! Fucking tell me, right now! You’ve probably seen my messages too, oh right, I know you have, because it said ‘read’. Read? So you just read my breaking up with you text, and felt nothing? Is that it, do you feel nothing for me at all? I was probably just a fuck to you, huh? No wait, what did Regulus tell you, did he get it into your head that I’m your boytoy, you can play with me all you want and hurt my feelings again, again, again, and again! Sirius, I swear to motherfucking God if you-”
“Stop!” Lily was pulling him away from Sirius, who was crying.
James was angry too, now. “He’s clearly traumatized by his family, Remus, do you actually think he wanted to? No, of course not. I know you’re angry and hurt because he didn't contact you, I understand. But Sirius wanted to protect us, and the shop. He did this for us!”
Deep down, Remus knew all of this already.
“Re.. I’m really sorry.” Sirius took a shaky sigh. “I’ve been suffering without you.”
Neither of them wanted to look the other in the eye.
—
It had been two days, and Remus refused to speak to Sirius. All of their friends were getting fed up, and Remus knew it wasn’t the right call, he also knew he’d been in the wrong. Deep down, he actually did want to speak to Sirius and have a long explaining talk, but he knew he couldn’t without breaking down. It was just too hard. Sirius had tried speaking to Remus, but he’d just brushed him off or had left the room once Sirius entered. It wasn’t nice at all. Their friends were also getting super uncomfortable by the weird vibes and the tension in the shop.
Sirius was back working again, every day he was anxious about his family, but he tried not to be. They had called, and texted, and done everything in their power to contact Sirius. He’d gone with James’ advice, and just ignored them. This was his second time running away, and the first time his family hadn’t wanted to contact him, but this time even his cousins were contacting him. He hated everything about it.
—
Remus had decided today was the day; he was gonna speak to Sirius.
What could go wrong?
He entered the shop, which was not busy at all for a friday. He spotted Lily finishing up a tattoo, and saw Frank and Sirius who were doing some work together, getting some phone numbers together and all of that sorts.
He walked really slowly.
“Uhm.. Hey.” He said carefully. Both of them looked up. Sirius was surprised to see that Remus was looking at him, not Frank, but him. “Sirius, have you got a moment?”
Sirius practically jumped. “Yes.”
“Let’s go to your office, eh?”
They walked to the office, in silence. And once they got to the office, neither of them spoke.
There was so much to say, but neither knew what to say.
“What’s wrong with me?”
“What?.. no.”
“Yes, Sirius. I was a fool, I really was. I jumped to the worst thoughts, and I didn’t even think about you, what you do! I started self sabotaging, thinking you were out screwing some guys or chicks, and I.. I didn’t think, and that’s the problem.” Remus didn’t know how to explain himself, he just wanted for Sirius to understand him. “I should have known, like James, how far you’d go to protect your friends and the shop. And I should have also thought back to when you were talking about giving up the shop. Sirius, how did I not know?”
Sirius shook his head. “No, it all came so sudden. How could you have known? After all, I literally cried in your arms about not wanting to go back.”
“I’m so fucking sorry, Sirius.” Remus was tearing up. He didn’t want to lose Sirius, he couldn’t. “Clearly, I’m not boyfriend material. I’m so sorry for breaking up with you. I’m so sorry for not trusting you, and not having known you better. I feel terrible, and you deserve so much love, and not to be treated like you’re some douche who fuck anything that speaks.”
“Shhh, no. It’s okay, it’s all alright.” He hugged Remus, and they melted into each other’s bodies. “I’ve missed you.”
“You have?” Remus was hopeful now, and Sirius simply nodded. “Can I kiss you?”
Sirius answered by kissing him, cliche but so cute and perfect for the moment they were having.
Sirius broke the kiss. “I’ve never really asked you fully.. But Re, will you be my official boyfriend finally?”
“Yes!” Remus giggled. “Fuck yes,” he kissed him, “I want,” another kiss, “nothing,” kiss, “more!”
“I’m glad.” Sirius smiled. “And to answer your questions, there was no Miranda, no. I’m sorry for having lied to you.”
“Oh shut up, I want to enjoy this moment with my boyfriend right now.” Remus pulled him closer. “Talk later? Fun now?”
Sirius winked. “You do have something to help me with under the table, don’t you?”
Remus smirked.