Chapter 5
Chapter 5
Tonks was getting better and better, especially physically. She was no longer spending her days in bed, she was moving around like she used to and going out into the garden with Teddy. But Remus sensed that something was sleeping inside her, something dark that she couldn't bring herself to let out. She didn't smile as much as she used to, and some mornings her eyes were so dark that Remus could hardly recognise them. He hoped that time would sort things out, that her condition would improve when she returned to work perhaps.
But one night, everything changed.
Remus woke with a start as Tonks screamed, sitting on the bed with her eyes closed.
Remus, in a panic, put his hands on Tonks' shoulders to try to wake her up and reassure her, but as soon as his hands touched his wife, she turned round abruptly and started to kick.
"Dora, stop! Stop, it's me Remus!" he shouted.
After a few moments of trying to avoid the blows, Remus saw that Tonks had calmed down and was finally opening her eyes. Her breathing was short, as if she were suffocating. She clamped her hands over her mouth and began to cry.
"It's all right, Dora," tried Remus. "It was only a nightmare."
Tonks nodded. It wasn't just a nightmare. She had relived the Battle of Hogwarts in every detail, she had felt again all the pain, all the fear she had experienced that day.
Gently, Remus leaned over to take her in his arms and she let him. He gently stroked her back. She was soaked through with fear.
"Go back to sleep, my love, I'm going to check that Teddy hasn't woken up."
She simply nodded and went back to bed, but she couldn't get back to sleep.
Tonks opened her eyes much later. She had finally managed to get some more sleep. She noticed that Remus was no longer with her, but she could hear noises coming from the floor below. She got up, got dressed and went downstairs to join her family.
Remus greeted him with a big smile, Teddy in his arms.
"Look who's here Teddy!"
Tonks was glad to see them but no smile appeared on her face.
"How are you feeling?" Remus asked.
Tonks shrugged.
"I'm fine." She sat down at the table and poured herself a glass of orange juice, her gaze lost in front of her.
"Dora, please talk to me, don't be silent."
"I'm sorry, I... It was just a nightmare but it seemed so real." She said without turning her eyes towards him.
He approached her gently and put a hand on her shoulder, the other arm supporting Teddy.
"Do you want to tell me about it?"
Tonks nodded.
"I think I'll go for a walk. With Teddy."
A few minutes later Remus was standing in front of the window. He watched his wife slowly walk away, Teddy in her arms. He knew he had to give her time and space, but he had the feeling that she was drifting further and further away from him, ever so slowly. He couldn't understand what was happening to her. She had always been so strong, so brave, so full of life. The flame that burned within her seemed to be dying out, smothered by a shadow that had appeared out of nowhere.
Three days had passed since Tonks had woken up screaming. Three days she hadn't slept, wandering around the house, sometimes outside. The whole house had gone quiet.
One evening, as Tonks sat in the armchair, staring at the wall in front of her, Remus tried to speak to her.
"Dora..." She didn't even turn her eyes towards him. Then he knelt down opposite her and put his hands on her knees. She gasped at the touch of his hands.
"Dora, you haven't slept for 3 days or eaten anything. I can't let you go on like this."
"So what? Are you going to force me?" Her gaze hadn't left the wall.
"Don't talk nonsense..."
"Leave me alone."
"No. No, I won't let you die and abandon your son."
Tonks gave a mocking laugh.
"I'm still here, I haven't run away yet."
Remus closed his eyes and sat up. He knew that one day she'd be angry with him, but he didn't think she'd be so mean. Because that was what she wanted, to be mean in order to hurt, to hurt like she had hurt, like she was hurting right now, even if it was for completely different reasons.
"You can be angry with me or the whole world, but don't use my actions as an excuse for yours."
Tonks suddenly looked up at him.
"How dare you?" she shouted. "How dare you accuse me when..."
"When what?" Remus shouted back. "Now that the war's over, now that you've got what you wanted, are you going to hold a grudge against me for the rest of your life?"
"I never said that..."
"Then what? Why are you letting yourself die, why aren't you talking to me, why aren't you looking after your son? You spend your days and nights sitting around doing nothing and you expect me to take care of everything when you're angry with me?"
"I'm not angry with you..."
"Don't be silly, Nymphadora. You don't talk to me, you don't even look at me. Tell me what's going on, by Merlin!"
"You can't understand..." She said softly, returning her gaze to the wall.
"Oh, are we reversing roles again? You want to make me pay? Well please, the door's open."
Tonks said nothing, she didn't move.
"Fine. You want to stay here, then me and Teddy will go."
"You have no right!" Tonks shouted as she suddenly stood up.
"I've got no right?! I don't have the right to protect our son? Don't I have the right to take him to someone who loves him when his mother won't even touch him or talk to him? Don't I have the right to go out and do something other than watch you mope?"
Remus turned around, went up the stairs and came back down a few minutes later, Teddy in his arms, a bag over his shoulder.
"When you feel like living again, let us know."
Tonks watched helplessly as her husband left their home with his son. Later, she collapsed to the floor, exhausted and heartbroken.