“For there are no limits to the stars; their numbers are infinite. Which is precisely why I measure my love for you by them. An amount too boundless to count.”
-Hunting Prince Dracula
James cannot fix on the hour, or the spot, or the look, or the words, which laid the foundation. He was in the middle before he knew that he had begun.
The realization that he had fallen in love with Regulus came over him like a full on rainstorm, knocking him off his feet right into the ground. He’s known him for such a long time, having almost grown up with him, for all the summers they spent together, all the times they went shopping for school supplies, all the Christmases, all the meals they shared, the gifts and letters they exchanged, the secrets, and promises, and laughter and cries.
For the longest time, James thought of him as simply being Sirius’ brother. The one that came along with him. Sure, he has always liked Regulus very much, and didn’t mind his presence whatsoever; in fact, the few times he didn’t come along with Sirius, James would ask for him, ask why he wasn’t there. After a while, they began growing a friendship of their own, and Regulus’ name wasn’t attached to Sirius’ anymore. He was Regulus, his friend. Not Regulus, Sirius’ brother.
But, there’s always been this invisible barrier between them. James guesses it’s because they were from different houses at Hogwarts. James lived up there, up at the Gryffindor Tower, hundreds and hundreds of stairs away from him, down at the Slytherin Dungeon. They never shared classes together, since being from different years. They didn’t share the same friends, and they almost never ran into each other on Quidditch practices.
At Hogwarts, the few times they’d see each other was in the hallways and The Great Hall. They’d pass each other, exchange “Good morning!” or “Good night!”, and sometimes they’d linger for a few seconds more and ask “Are you alright?”, but that’d just be rewarded with an “I’m alright, yeah.” and that would be it. Other times, it’d be just a simple nod of the head.
And at meal times, James would look for Regulus just to see if he was there already, and once he had seen him, go back to what he was doing. Sometimes, he’d look for him again just to see if he was doing okay.
The months would pass, sometimes it’d glide by, other times it’d linger on. But, sure enough, when summer came by, there they were together again, free from the invisible barriers they were submitted to at Hogwarts, and it’d be like they never stopped talking at all. They’d just go back to where they left off. Go back to flying around the Potter Manor, drinking lemonade while sunbathing on the grass, singing around the fire when the moon had taken over the sky, playing Wizard’s Chess, Exploding Snap, and some Muggle games Remus would introduce them to, like Capture the Flag, Tag, and Hide and Seek.
They’d spend the whole summer together, talking about everything and anything, just to go back to nothing once it ended. And that was okay with them, because that was what they’ve always known.
They knew they would see each other again on Christmas break, go holiday shopping at Diagon Alley or Muggle London, and dance under sparkling lights, bundled up in their mittens and coats, have snow fights and snowman competitions, talk about their Hogwarts rendezvous in front of the fireplace, watch Doctor Who at Remus’ place, and countdown to welcome the New Year.
Then, winter would end, and the arrival of spring meant classes, homeworks, Quidditch, and quick stolen glances, but with the blink of an eye it was summer again.
This cycle has been repeating over the years, like a constant notion that everything will fall back into place when the time comes. Just like clockwork.
But, then, something…changed when they came back to Hogwarts after last summer.
One night, way past curfew time, James and the boys were pulling a prank on the Slytherins, but they forgot to check the Marauder’s Map on their way back to the Gryffindor Tower, so when they heard Filch talking to Mrs. Norris just a corridor away, they all ran like there was no tomorrow. They couldn’t afford another detention. Remus and Sirius got into a broom closet, Peter hid inside the One-Eyed Witch statue passageway, and James went up the Astronomy Tower.
When James got there, breathing heavily from running, there he was. He turned around quickly, probably afraid he might’ve just been caught outside the Slytherin dorms, then let out a relieved sigh after seeing it was just James.
“Oh, it’s you.” He said, then looked a bit better at James’ fatigued state, “Did you run here?”
James went to sit next to him, “I did, yeah.” He started, still trying to catch his breath, “Filch was coming and we had to run away.” He looked up at the sky, and there wasn’t a single cloud in it, all the stars shining brighter than ever, “What are you doing up here?” He asked Regulus, turning to find the boy also looking at the stars.
“Clearly practicing for Quidditch.” He answered, matter of factly.
James nudged his shoulder, letting out a quiet laugh, “I mean it.”
Regulus let out another sigh, like he was the exhausted one, “Thinking.”
“Thinking? James repeated.
“I come here most nights.” He continued, “It’s quiet, so it’s nice for thinking.” He turned to James, then, “And the stars are quite nice too.”
He looked up at the sky again, “Where are you now?” He asked.
Regulus made a humming sound, as if trying to gather the right information, “It’s mid-September, so I’m in the morning sky, Can’t really see it right now.” He said, then after a few seconds, as if he just remembered something, continued, “You know, just last month you couldn’t see me at all.”
“And why’s that?”
Regulus looked at him, “The Sun was too close to me.”
“And why would the Sun do that?” James asked, alarmed.
Regulus laughed quietly, “It’s alright,” He started, “Some people believe that when the Sun meets Regulus every August, it holds very strong vibrations, which allows you to connect easier with your Higher Self and Spirit Guides. Your intuition gets stronger, too.”
“Oh, that’s…nice.” He said, smiling. James didn’t understand half of the things he said. You see, he never really paid much attention at Astronomy Class, so this was all news to him.
If Regulus noticed his confusion, he said nothing about it. The boy was used to knowing more than James when it came to things like that. Regulus has always been the one with the information about subjects James didn’t even know existed, and James was the one who listened to him.
After a few seconds of silence, Regulus continued, “This is kind of weird, isn’t it?”
James turned to him again,"What's weird?” He asked, with furrowed eyebrows.
He gesticulated between them, “Us. Talking at school. We’ve never really done that before.”
James had a moment of comprehension, in which he looked down, thinking of the right things to say and failing completely. For all these years, they’ve created these unspoken rules about their friendship, in which the ‘start’ and ‘reset’ button was every time they entered and exited the Hogwarts Express.
“We’re so stupid, aren’t we?” He let out a laugh of frustration, at last.
“Well, I don’t know about that. You’re usually the stupid one.” Regulus teased.
James nudged him again, laughing, “I’ll throw you off the tower.”
“Don’t threaten me with a good time.” He smiled.
“Merlin, Reg.” James’ face dropped, “You switch up so fast. Why so gloomy?”
Regulus just brushed it off, “Gloomy.” He repeated, “That reminds me of a saying.”
“Which one?”
“If the star of the great lion is gloomy the heart of the people will not rejoice.”
James pinched his arm, lightly, “See?” He started, “How do you expect my heart to rejoice after seeing my star so gloomy?” He said, jokingly.
Regulus just stared at him, like he had said something utterly stupid, “Don’t say things like that.” He stated, sharply.
James furrowed his eyebrows once again, “What do you mean?”
The boy groaned quietly, rolling his eyes, “Nothing. Forget it.” Then, he got up and started making his way out.
“Why are you going so soon?” James asked, getting up too.
Regulus looked a bit frustrated, as if he was fighting a battle within himself and arguing whether or not James was worth being stressed over. He’d open his mouth and close it again, and James knew he was trying to come up with the right thing to say.
“You don’t have to speak to me here.” He finally said, “It’s okay.”
As James was about to protest, Regulus interrupted, “No, I mean it. Just because you found me here accidentally, you’re not at all entitled to have a conversation with me. We can just go along as we were.”
“But should we?” James started, getting closer to Regulus, “I don’t entirely know why we fell into this nonsense pattern over the years, but what I do know for certain is that I don’t like it.” Regulus opened his mouth to say something, “No, Reg. I’m being honest.” James protested, like knew what the other boy was about to say. “You’re one of my best friends.”
Regulus’ face softened a bit, as if relieved at last. He looked down at the floor, and James searched for his eyes, “You believe me, don’t you?”
“I do, James.” He said, less frustrated, “You’re my best friend.”
“I felt I was dreaming and thinking and feeling with you. I dreamed what you dreamed, wanted what you wanted — and then I realized that truly I just wanted you. The girl behind the scrawled letters. I loved you from the moment I read them. I love you still.”
-Clockwork Prince
After that, James would often go to the Astronomy Tower to see Regulus. He’d wait until the boys had fallen asleep, take the Map, and make his way to his friend.
They’d sometimes stay until the morning, and get down in time for breakfast. But they couldn’t afford to do that very often, since it’d mess with their sleep schedule and make them sleepy for the rest of the day, and the boys would ask why James had gone down to breakfast without them. So they only did that one or two times a week, when they didn’t have to sleep well for Quidditch practices.
Usually, they’d talk for only a couple of hours and go back to their respective common rooms. James would walk Regulus to the entrance, even with Regulus insisting he could do that on his own, to which James would say he didn’t mind doing it.
They didn’t see each other every day, much to James’ dismay, since he had grown incredibly fond of sharing everything about his day to Regulus, as well as hearing the same in return.
He’d make mental notes about little things he saw, or did, to tell Regulus in the evening, and he’d often catch himself thinking about what the other boy would say, or do, if he were to be there next to him.
The rest of September went by quickly, and October flew by just as rapidly. Time would glide once he was with Regulus. He felt as though it wasn’t ever enough. He’d see him, and his smile, he’d hear his conversation and his silence until it was time to sleep. And during the day, he’d look forward to the night.
On the days he’d sense Regulus’ reclusiveness, he’d gladly pull back from his attempts of conversation, for it meant the opportunity to sit back and watch as Regulus watched the night sky.
James’ night sky would be Regulus. He’d analyze every bit of him. The way his hair fell on his face, and how he would put it behind his ear when the wind was too strong. The way his hands were slender, and would often shake whenever it was too cold. The way his eyes were so darker in the night, which was such a change from only having seen them in the light. James also noticed the three little beauty marks he had on the back of his neck, right below his right ear, and how it looked so much like the Belt of Orion. When he first noticed them, he felt the sudden urge to run his finger over it, as if connecting them with an invisible line.
“What are you doing?” Regulus asked.
“Do you know of these three freckles below your ear?” James touched them again, tracing each of them slowly, “Right here.”
“What about them?”
“They’re…cute.”
Regulus turned to James, an amused expression on his face, “They’re…cute?” He repeated.
James rolled his eyes, “You know what I mean, Reg. They’re nice. They look nice.”
“Alright.”
James kept occasionally looking at them throughout the rest of the night, as if he couldn’t help himself. He felt as though he had made the discovery of the century having laid eyes on those three little dots.
On the days Regulus wouldn’t go to the Astronomy Tower, he’d send James an owl in advance. A little note telling him he’d not be able to make it. And on the days nothing came, James knew he’d be there waiting for him.
Every time, James would keep the little letters. He found them quite memorable, especially with Regulus’ handwriting. It was so regal. He felt as though he was getting owls from the Minister of Magic, or the Queen of England.
They were never the same, even though the subject was.
I must wait a few days before seeing you – you are too momentous. But remember it is idolatry, not indifference.
R.A.B
James would often send a response, for he felt as though silence wasn’t enough.
Reg,
Will you indeed come tomorrow, be by my side again, and make me laugh the way only you do?
I hope for you so much, and feel so eager for you, feel that I cannot wait, feel that I must see you again.
James.
James thought of Regulus with such adoration that he’d not be surprised if the boy turned things into gold. He always thought that way, he guesses. Regulus was so much smarter than all of them. Even at the age of eleven, he remembers meeting Regulus for the first time and feeling like he was untouchable, somehow. Like he was a lion or a unicorn, and nobody could really get too close, because he wouldn’t even be on the same plane as everyone else.
Later on, he’d thought of Regulus as beautiful as well. Not that he wasn’t before, but that’s just not something that had crossed James’ child mind. One summer, when they were fifteen and fourteen, Regulus got down from his room to finally join them at the pool after inumerours calls from Sirius. He was especially reclusive that particular summer. The moment he appeared, and the sun kissed his skin, making it glow golden, James’ breath hitched. He felt as though he was looking at Regulus for the first time all over again, and when he got into the pool, and stood next to James, he felt exalted. Untouchable. Like he was sitting with the stars.
Later on, that same summer, he and Regulus got into a stupid fight about something so silly, James doesn’t even recall what it was. They stopped talking for a whole week, until, one day, he found a little paper wrapped up sitting alone on his night stand.
Listen, if ever in my letters, or in conversation, you see a candor that seems almost crude, please know that it is because when I think of you, I think of real things and become honest, – and quibbling and circumvention seem very inconsiderable. I do fear sometimes that I must make a hospital for the hopelessly insane, and chain me up there some times, so I won’t injure you.
For what it’s worth, I am sorry.
R.A.B
James remembers feeling amused when he first read it, thinking how can a fourteen year old boy think such things and put it into words without any mind.
Reg,
Thanks for your letter. I am overwhelmed by the prospect of you locked up in a hospital somewhere, since you would certainly be missed quite a lot. I wouldn’t worry about that, I know you’d never do me no harm. I am happy in the knowledge that we are friends again, and that our bond has passed through the shadow and light of estrangement and sorrow and come out rose-crowned as of old. Let us always be infinitely dear to each other, as indeed we have been always.
I am sorry, too.
James.
One time, they spent a whole week without seeing each other. The distance was driving James insane, but Regulus needed the space. He respects that. It’s just that he had grown so accustomed to seeing Regulus frequently, that when he’d distanced himself like this, James felt like he was in withdrawal.
But even then, Regulus would send him letters, and, however small or big, James drank them like it was rain after a drought.
James,
I’ve realized I miss you even more than I could have believed; and I was prepared to miss you a good deal. So this letter is really just a squeal of pain. It is annoying how essential to me you have become. I suppose you are accustomed to people saying these things. Damn you, spoilt creature; I shoudn’t be encouraging your pride like this. You’re narcissistic enough, already. But Merlin, I can’t be clever and stand-offish with you: I care too much for that. Too truly. You have no idea how stand-offish I can be with people I don’t care about. I have brought it to a fine art. But you have broken down my defenses. And I don’t really resent it.
R.A.B
Reg,
You have made me selfish – I’m forgetful of everything, but seeing you again. My blind eyes are desperately waiting for the sight of you. The other evening, when you fell asleep on my shoulder, I drifted off, too. But before I did, it occured to me thinking about all of the years of friendship that we have and all of the moments that we’ve shared, and it made me fill up with joy in such a way that I could feel the warmth in my heart. Please, never doubt your importance to me.
James.
"We would be together and have our books and at night be warm in bed together with the windows open and the stars bright."
- Ernest Hemingway.
November came with the promise of Christmas break.
They already began talking about all the amazing food Effie would make them, all the present ideas, new games to play, and movies to watch. Apart from Summer, Winter was James’ favorite season solemnly because of Christmas.
“I can’t wait to go home.” James was laying down, eyes closed, picturing all the things he already misses after being only two months away from home. James loves Hogwarts, and he wants to appreciate and experience every bit of it until he can’t, but nothing feels quite like his home and his family.
“I miss my bed.” Regulus was laying down next to him, “And the little chocolates Effie puts underneath my pillow.”
James smiled at that, “She favors you.”
Regulus snorted, as if James had said nonsense, “She does not. She only does that because I’m the sad little boy she took in.”
James sat down to look at him better, “You can’t possibly think that.”
Regulus opened his eyes, looking up at James, “Why would she do that, then?”
“I said it already, she favors you. Just like dad favors Sirius.”
Regulus rolled his eyes, to which James nudged him lightly, smiling, “Stop it. You know I’m right. You and mom are always talking about books and food and all those muggle movies you both like.”
James laid down again, and after a few seconds of silence, he said, “She really does love you.”
He heard Regulus breathing in, deeply, and exhaling, “I know.” He said, “I really love her, too.”
James remembers vividly the year Sirius and Regulus came to live with him. It was their fourth year, James and Sirius were inseparable as ever, making friendship pacts and swearing eternal loyalty to each other.
James had talked to his mom about everything Sirius would often tell him about what he and Regulus had to go through back at Grimmauld Place. She was horrified.
She contacted the Ministry.
A month later Sirius and Regulus were at the Potter Manor.
He didn’t know what she had said, and how she took them out of that house, but he’s never been happier that she did whatever she did to accomplish it.
One night in particular, on that first month, Regulus came to his room in the middle of the night.
“I can’t sleep.” He had said.
“Do you want to stay here?” James suggested.
Regulus got into his bed, and James didn’t even have to make room for him. It was such a big bed. They both stayed silent for the first few minutes, staring at the ceiling, which had a spell to imitate the night sky. He’s had it since he was a kid.
After a while, Regulus spoke, so quietly James thought he might have imagined it. “Thank you.” He had said.
“For what?” He asked, quietly too.
“For taking us out of there.”
James definitely didn’t know what to say, looking back. He was only fourteen. His young mind only cared about quidditch and pranks and having fun with his friends. That had been the moment he started to fully understand and realize how privileged he’s always been to have been brought up to live in a bubble in which everything was perfect, and there was nothing for him to worry about.
Regulus and Sirius never had that, not really. There’s only so much money can give you.
“You’re here, now.” He had said, turning his body to face Regulus, “That’s all that matters. You’re here, and you’re safe.”
Regulus turned to him too, “Do you want to hear something stupid?”
He smiled at the boy, “Always.”
“I feel as though you’ve dug me out of the grave.”
James just kept looking at him, not knowing what to say. What could his fourteen year old self have said that would’ve matched up to such a statement?
Regulus has always been so smart, even at thirteen.
But he might have responded in other ways, because he felt a tear running through his cheeks, and Regulus wiped it off for him. Without thinking, James held Regulus’ hand just as he was about to retrieve it from his face. He remembers kissing it, but that part is a bit foggy in his memory. He’s not too sure if he actually did it or just imagined it.
But he knows Regulus took his hand back, mumbled a quick "Let's go to sleep.”, and went back to facing the night sky.
“Good night, Reg.” He said, still facing Regulus.
“Good night, James.”
"Just in case you ever foolishly forget; I'm never not thinking of you."
-Virginia Woolf.
James and the boys entered the Hogwarts Express with wide smiles on their faces, talking loudly and laughing wildly.
They sat on their usual cabinet and soon enough Regulus came to join them. Usually, this would be the first time James and Regulus would’ve properly seen each other since Summer. James would’ve gotten up from his seat, and hugged Regulus like he had just come back from war, or something. And then Remus and Peter would hug him too. Sirius sees him all the time at Hogwarts, so he would just give him a pat on the back.
Then, they’d all sit together and talk, and eat, and laugh, and wait for their arrival. Effie and Monty would be waiting for them, as well as Hope and Mrs. Pettigrew. Peter’s mum didn’t like when we called her by her name.
This time wasn't any different, apart from when Regulus arrived. They looked at each other and, for the first time, there wasn’t that familiar expectant feeling, like they’ve been waiting months for this exact moment. Merlin, just last night they were talking about different kinds of sauces, and ranking them from best to worst.
But the other boys didn’t know that, did they? They didn’t know James and Regulus had been spending almost every night together since mid-September, that they’ve been talking about everything, nothing, and anything.
James got up to welcome Regulus, and when he hugged him, he realized a few things. Firstly, even having been close to each other these past months, there hadn’t really been any touching, not as much as they were used to during the summer. So, when James took Regulus in, burying his face into the boy’s neck, he could swear he felt his heart leap to his throat for a few short seconds. It was so fast that he thought he must have imagined it.
Secondly, James had hugged Regulus many times throughout his life, but he never made note of what the other boy smelled like. He found himself embarrassingly closing his eyes as if it’d make his olfactory sense more accurate and precise, and breathing Regulus in like he had just gotten out of a basement after being locked up and was breathing fresh air for the first time in years.
Regulus smelled like home.
He smelled like the forest. Like the sea.
Sweet, evocative, and heady.
James got dizzy with it. He thought, I’ll be dreaming about this my whole life.
Suddenly, he got pulled away from the boy. It felt like being awakened in the midst of a dream.
“Quit monopolizing him, Prongs.” Remus protested, now hugging Regulus too.
"Perhaps, after all, romance did not come into one's life with pomp and blare, like a gay knight riding down; perhaps it crept to one's side like an old friend through quiet ways; perhaps it revealed itself in seeming prose, until some sudden shaft of illustration flung athwart its pages betrayed the rhythm and the music, perhaps loveunfolded naturally out of a beautiful friendship, as a golden-hearted rose slipping from its green sheath."
-L.M Montgomery.
“We must do something about it!” Peter exclaimed.
James, Regulus, and Peter were talking in his room, away from the ears of Sirius and Remus, the subjects of the discussion.
“It’s getting a bit ridiculous, I must admit.” Regulus stated.
They’ve been trying for ages to get Sirius and Remus to be together, especially after last summer, in which they couldn’t keep their hands off of each other. They’ve tried everything they could possibly think of, but nothing actually worked.
James started pacing the room, going around in circles. If there was smoke coming out of his ears for thinking too hard, he would not be surprised.
“Wait,” James stopped, suddenly, “I might have an idea.”
Peter widened his eyes, “What is it?”
“I don’t know why I never thought of it before!” James’ smile grew. “This is perfect!” He high-fived Peter, who was also beaming along with him.
“Get on with it!” Regulus said, impatiently.
“Alright, so…” James started, with a mischievous smile on his face, “We all know it’s Christmas…”
“Oh, really?” Regulus rolled his eyes, “I thought it was Easter.”
"What’s Easter?” Peter whispered to James.
“Anyway,” James continued, “It’s Christmas...And that means…” He paused, looking at Regulus’ and Peter’s anxious faces. “Mistletoe.”
Regulus widened his eyes, getting exactly what James was proposing, “That…Might work.”
“It’s brilliant!” Peter shouted, which made James and Regulus shush him. They weren’t supposed to be loud, otherwise Remus and Sirius might hear them. “Sorry.” Peter whispered.
“We should do it today.” James continued, “It’s the day before Christmas Eve. This way, they’ll be together by Christmas!”
“I agree.” Regulus said, “If I have to hear Sirius whine about Remus for much longer, I might cut my ears off.”
“That’s settled, then.” James said, “I’ll go get the mistletoe. Peter keeps them distracted while I arrange everything. And you get to keep your ears.”
Regulus rolled his eyes again, “They’re baking in the kitchen, right?”
“Yes.” Peter and James responded.
Wearing a little side smile, he continued, “Then now is the perfect time.” He said, “Let’s get this over with.”
It was all going according to plan.
James conjured the mistletoe, and went to the main living room in which they kept the Christmas tree right beside the fireplace, and he decided to put the mistletoe in front of it.
Then, he enchanted the mistletoe to keep them stuck under it only if they truly wanted to kiss each other. Now, they just needed an excuse to bring them here.
He went to the kitchen, and found Peter and Regulus talking like crazy, trying to keep them distracted, although it seemed useless, since their attention was on the biscuits they were baking. It didn’t seem like they were planning to leave the kitchen anytime soon.
“What about hot cocoas in front of the fireplace?” James suggested as he entered the kitchen.
“Great idea!” Peter agreed, enthusiastically.
“Was thinking that myself.” Regulus said.
“We can’t leave the biscuits.” Remus protested.
“You just put them in the oven. What else is there to do?” Regulus questioned.
Sirius and Remus looked at each other, then at the three of them, “Alright…” Sirius answered, carefully. “But we have to check on them in twenty minutes, otherwise they’ll burn.”
“Absolutely.” James said, taking them by their arms, “Let’s go.”
“What about the hot cocoa?” Remus asked, confused.
“I’ll fetch them in a minute.” Peter said.
When they arrived at the living room, Effie and Monty were there, sipping their tea, cuddle up on the couch. Oh, no, James thought. If they do this with an audience it would be disastrous.
Remus is super shy around adults, and Sirius would never kiss anyone in front of Effie and Monty, since, for some reason, he thinks he must act all responsible around them.
This is going to be an issue.
Just as Peter is about to pull them under the mistletoe,
James runs for it without even thinking, meaning to push them aside.
But, instead, ends up falling right under it, with Regulus just on the floor right beside him. He must have knocked him down with him.
Oh, Gods.
Effie and Monty watched the whole scene from the couch with confused looks on their faces, probably wondering why they’re disturbing their tea time.
“Are you boys alright?” Effie asked, and James could sense the amusement in her voice.
He gets up, pulling out a hand to help Regulus.
“We’re grand.” Regulus answered, annoyed from being thrown on the floor.
They both started to move, but found themselves stuck in place, and that was when James started to sweat.
“Look, it’s a mistletoe!” Monty exclaimed, pointing at the ceiling.
“Oh, I see.” Sirius said, having caught on to what they were planning.
James looked at Regulus, then. The other boy was looking at the floor, crimson hues covering his cheeks. He didn’t know what this meant, not entirely. Something must have gone wrong with his spell, because they should only be stuck if the both of them truly wanted to kiss one another.
“Well, then.” His mom started, “Go on.”
James turned to her, quickly, “What do you mean?”
“What? It’s just a little kiss, Jamie.” She said, casually.
“This can’t be happening.” He heard Regulus whispering.
The other three boys were watching the scene unfold with comical smiles on their faces, holding on to not let out a laugh.
“I don’t know, I think we should-” He started saying, but got interrupted by Regulus putting his hands on James’ cheeks and kissing him.
It only lasted five seconds, if that.
It was so fast, it might not even have happened at all. The only proof that it did happen was the mistletoe disintegrating on the floor and them now being able to move.
Despite the suddenness, the sensation of the kiss was immense. James recoiled within himself, with a dizziness that felt almost like fog in his mind. He did not venture to speak. If he did, he would not know what to say. He wanted to speak. Everyone else was, though all he could hear was muffled sounds. He tried summoning some words from inside, and they came promptly, but in a herd, filling his mouth so that not one could get out.
Regulus’ kiss had closed his lips.
Not one exclamation, not a single article, no matter how bravely they attacked, succeeded in breaking through his teeth.
It was not until someone shook him that he was able to come to his senses again, “Prongs, are you alright?” Remus was the one to ask.
He looked around, everyone had stopped talking and were now all looking at him. “Um…Yes.” He put on a smile. “I’ll just…I have to go get something…” He started making his way out, “In my room.”
He ran to his room and sat down on his bed. He recalled the feeling of having Regulus’ lips against his, and how now his lips were tingling from the memory of the touch. He had chills. He had moments in which he lost consciousness of himself and the things around him seemed to exist way off somewhere, somehow. He would come back to himself again, see the bed, the walls, the books, the floor, hear some sound outside, vague, near, far away, and then everything would be gone again, and all he could feel was Regulus’ lips…Regulus’ lips extending to his, and then both their lips meeting, and how uniting it had felt.
Suddenly, without willing it, without thinking, he uttered these words of realization, “I’m in love with him.”
The sound echoed in his ears. He realized that, however scary, the satisfaction he felt upon this realization was tremendous. Columbus felt no greater when he discovered America. James has made other discoveries in his life, but none so dazzled him. None of it had compared to this.
It’s so obvious now. How hadn’t he realized this sooner? He sure feels quite stupid. All the times James wanted to just be close to Regulus, all the times he had the urge to simply touch the other boy, as if he was a power outlet and James needed charge. All the lingering looks, and the way his heart skipped a bit by the sight of him. It clicked for him, suddenly, that he didn’t think of Regulus the same way he tought of his other friends. With Regulus, there has always been this unknown longing, a yearning for something he was never able to name it until now, he just knew that he needed more, just not what more meant.
He tried locating in his mind when that feeling started, and how it did, but he felt unable to pinpoint the exact time. He’s not sure there even is an exact moment he fell in love with Regulus. Looking back now, it seems as though he’s always felt this way, but is just now able to comprehend it.
He heard a knock on the door, pulling him away from his thoughts. He took a deep breath and made his way to open it.
It was him.
“Regulus.” He said, his eyes moving rapidly across the boy’s face. Regulus was looking everywhere, but at him.
“Can I come in?” He asked.
James moved, making way for him, “Yes, please.”
They didn’t speak for a while, Regulus just started moving slowly across his room, as though this was the first time he was seeing it, looking at every corner and touching everything. James just stood there, watching him.
At last, Regulus sat down on James’ bed, and James slowly made his way to join him. The boy was still avoiding his eyes, “Reg, look at me?” He asked, carefully.
He’s known those eyes for years, the colour and coldness were his old friends. But, right now, Regulus was looking at him in a way he never did before, and James wondered if Regulus had concealed it for all these years, pushing James away from his eyes, in order for him to never see what he truly felt. Because, for the first time, James could name every emotion passing through them.
Grammar of lovers, please give him an exact and poetic comparison to describe those eyes of Regulus. He can find no image, without breaking the dignity of his style, to convey what they were and what they did to him. Eyes like the tide? Yes, like the tide. That’s what they were. They had some mysterious and force-giving fluid that drew everything up into them, like a wave that moves back from the shore when the under-tow is heavy. In order not to be swept under, he grasped at other neighboring parts. His ears, his arms, at the curls of his hair gently laying on his neck; but as soon as he sought the pupils of his eyes again, the wave that came from them kept growing, cavernous, dark, threatening to engulf him, to pull him, drag him into itself. How many minutes did they spend in that game? Only the clocks of the Gods will have noted this space of time, which was infinite yet brief.
Regulus was the one to break eye contact first, but instead of his eyes going too far, they only went a few centimeters down, right at James’ lips.
This was all he needed.
“Can I kiss you?” James asked. He could hear the desperation in his voice, but little did he care.
“Please.”
James completely gave himself away to Regulus, and he’s incapable of expressing the full degree of bliss of what that felt like. It was entirely different from the quick kiss they shared moments ago. This one had intention in it. James kissed him as though this was what’s been missing all along, the yearning for something intangible had finally taken form, and it had the shape of Regulus’ lips. His sweet, sweet lips.
They kissed hungrily, gently, and James put his hands on Regulus’ cheeks as if he’d fall without grasping at something to hold him into place. James thought he could nestle close to Regulus’ heart and never hear the wind blow, or the storm beat, again. And then he wondered if there was any room for him, or if he shall wander away all homeless and alone. There must be, right? Regulus was kissing him too. Passionately. The boy was holding onto James as if he might walk away, somehow, as if there was some place else that James could possibly want to be other than here.
James wondered how it was possible to feel such things. How it was possible to love someone anew, everyday of his life, every morning and evening, without even realizing at first. Always when the sun shines, always when it storms, he thinks he might spend them all just this way, being met with thousands of various small caresses and kisses.
He might build a shrine for Regulus, right here in his bed, for he felt like his idolater.
Despite wanting to stay like this forever, Regulus breaks apart, but he’s still holding James for dear life.
“What are you doing?” Regulus asked, and James could hear the bewilderment in his voice, see the puzzlement on his face.
This question startled James. “What do you mean?” He started, with furrowed eyebrows and a little amused smile, “I’m kissing you.”
“But why?”
“Because I’ve realized I’m crazy about you.” James put a hand on Regulus’ cheek again, “What are you doing?” He’s the one to ask him now.
“I’m kissing you back.” He answered, trying to hide a smile.
“And why is that?” James teased.
“Because I’m crazy about you, too.”
James just goes right back to kissing him again. Merlin, he’s missed it already; Regulus’ lips on his. And he can’t seem to figure out how he’s spent his whole life without it. He laid Regulus on his bed as though he was feather, and the way Regulus put his hands around James’ neck sent shivers down his spine.
Regulus stops the kiss again, making James groan in frustration without even intending to, “Wait, you didn’t know?” The boy asks. “That I liked you.”
“You thought I knew?” James asks, confused.
“I did, yeah.” Regulus answered, a little embarassed, “Thought it was obvious.”
“Well, I didn’t know.”
“That means I’ve been doing a better job at hiding it than I thought.”
“You’ve liked me for how long?”
Regulus looked away, then. It seemed as though he was debating whether or not he could disclose this piece of information. Luckly for James, he decided he could, “Since the moment I met you.”
This took James by surprise. He looked at Regulus with wide eyes, “Why didn’t you tell me?” He asked, “We could’ve done this a lot sooner.”
“Should’ve known you were so oblivious to things like this.” The other boy said, amused, “And what about you?”
“I reckon I’ve been falling in love with you every single day and hadn’t even grasped it until now.”
Regulus’ pale cheeks turned red, “I’m glad you figured it out, then.” He then nudged James’ shoulder, “Took you long enough.”
“It really did.” James said. He then kissed Regulus’ cheek, “Can’t believe I’ve lived so long without this.” He kissed Regulus’ temple, “And this,” Regulus’ ear, “And this,” Regulus’s neck, “And this,” Regulus’ collarbone, “And especially this,” He kissed his lips.
“You have the most outrageous mouth.” Regulus said, “Do you know how long I’ve wanted to kiss you?” He kissed James, “I’ve dreamed about this. About you. Your crooked tooth infuriates me.”
James laughed at that, “Why’s that?”
“Because even your flaws are beautiful. I find everything about you beautiful.” He started, “I tried very hard not to. I tried to let go of my feelings for you, and find things to not like about you, but even the things I should dislike ended up being what I liked the most.” Regulus ran his hand through James’s hair, “Your annoying hair.” He looked at James’ mouth, “Your stupid tooth.” He met James’ eyes, “Your irrational pride and competitiveness.”
“I don’t know if you’re insulting me or not.” James smiled, amused.
“Take it as a compliment.” Regulus said.
James finds himself reduced to a thing that wants Regulus. “Can I say something?” He asked, carefully. Regulus nodded his head, “I love you.” James said, “In a quite simple, desperate, human way.”
Regulus kissed him again, and again, and again. He might never get tired of this. “I love you.” Regulus said, “You’re all I ever wanted.”
As it turns out, Remus and Sirius have been secretly dating since last summer. No wonder they were so close, then, sneaking around everywhere. James guesses he didn’t notice once they got back to Hogwarts because he was too busy also sneaking around to see Regulus at the Astronomy Tower.
If he hadn’t been doing that, he’d have probably noticed Sirius crawling to Remus’ bed every night and leaving every morning. He’s a light sleeper, in contrast to Peter, who sleeps like a rock and wouldn’t notice if they were to bring a whole zoo back to their dorm.
“I can’t believe you’ve managed to keep this a secret for six months,” James started, then turned to ask Peter, “Are we dumb?”
“They’re just too smart.” He responded.
“In our defence,” Sirius started, “We didn’t plan on keeping it a secret. It was just so new, and we wanted to figure things out first.”
“And it’s not like I kiss and tell.” Remus added, with a side smile.
“Remus.” Sirius nudged him on the shoulder, turning the darkest shade of red and trying to hide his smile.
“Anyway,” Remus continued, “Maybe you guys are a bit dumb for thinking a fucking mistletoe would do the trick.”
“Regulus agreed to it!” James contested, pointing at Regulus, “You don’t think he’s dumb.”
Regulus was sitting on the floor, in front of the couch, watching this all unfold silently until now, “Hold on, I had said it might work.” He defended himself, “Peter was the one to call it fucking brilliant.”
“Well, it did work, did it not?” James teased.
Regulus rolled his eyes, but they could all see him trying not to smile, his face bright red, “Whatever helps you sleep at night.”
“Merlin, James, what have you done to my brother?” Sirius asked, going to Regulus to check his temperature with an exaggerated concern.
“Fuck off.” Regulus said, waving Sirius' hands away from his forehead, “I’m fine.”
All James could do was laugh shyly, for he was also quite red on the face. They found out quite quickly Regulus and James had sorted things out, and by quickly, he means they burst into James' room as they were snogging. Proper embarrassing.
It was a whole thing, too. Sirius made a scene while Remus was laughing, and Peter just kept saying ‘I knew it!”.
“My little brother?” Sirius cried out, “He’s a child!”
“We’re both seventeen!” Regulus yelled back.
“How- When-” Sirius stuttered, “What even is this?”
“We’re dating, Pads.” James answered, still recoiled within himself.
Regulus turned to him, “Are we?”
James turned red, “I mean…If you’d like to…Um…Like…I want to, but if you-” He got interrupted by Regulus kissing him quickly.
“I want to, yes.” He responded, smiling.
“Brilliant!” James kissed him on the cheeks.
“What’s happening!” Sirius cried out again.
“Sirius, for Merlin’s sake!” Remus rolled his eyes, “What’s the big deal?”
“I thought you were my best friend!” He said to James, “That’s my brother!” He sat down on the floor, as if he was about to pass out, “My best friend and my brother! I cannot believe this!”
James went to him, putting his hand on Sirius’ shoulder, “Look, we’re not just messing around! I love him, okay? I’m in love with him!”
“I’m sorry you had to find out this way, but it’s true, Sirius.” Regulus said, “I love him too.”
Sirius took his hands off of his face, his eyes alternating between James and Regulus. For a few seconds, everyone was silent, waiting for Sirius’ response. In an instant, Sirius' face changed from a concerned, hardened expression, to a softened one. He even smiled.
“My best friend and my brother!” He said, happily, taking them both into a hug, “I cannot believe this!”
“Just so you know,” Sirius started saying, face buried into both their hairs, “Remus and I are dating already.”
“What?!” Regulus, James, and Peter screamed out.