It was Narcissa Malfoy’s only kept secret and she would take it to the grave. Perhaps people would refer to Narcissa as a private, rather reserved person these days. Especially after the second wizarding war but she honestly didn’t have many secrets these days. Only this one.
Narcissa hadn’t paid much attention to Lily Evans back in school since she had been two years older than her at the time. She had always thought her to be kind and generous, with a tight grip on reality. They had been in different houses and they moved in completely different circles. The only link between them had been Sirius Black, she supposed, with him being Narcissa’s cousin and Lily’s close friend.
She had seen her sometimes, in the Great Hall or in the library, always cheery and never ever afraid. Not like Narcissa who was afraid of most things. Narcissa had always tried to stay in the box that had been assigned to her. She didn’t often do things that people did not expect from her. Perhaps she envied Lily for her ability to take her freedom and put it to good use. Maybe she envied that she seemed so unafraid. Or maybe she envied her group of friends. They always seemed to take care of each other in a way Narcissa didn’t recognize from her own friend group.
They hadn’t spoken on many occasions, but a few times they had. When Narcissa was in third year she had made fun of Lily Evans and the rest of the students who had been sorted into gryffindor. She had come to find Severus Snape to help him to the Slytherin common room and he had stood with her then.
“I’ll see you later Sev, it’s going to be fine! I promise!” The young Lily Evans had tried to reassure a young Severus Snape.
“Yeah, whatever.” He had sulked. Narcissa had gone up to them and did what her mother had taught her to do when meeting new people.
“Severus, come on.” Narcissa said and put her hand on his shoulder. What her mother had taught was to not pay any mind to people inferior to you, so she hadn’t greeted the young Lily Evans. Narcissa hadn’t even looked at her, and she was ready to steer Severus away when–
“Hi, I’m Lily!” The girl had said and extended her hand out to Narcissa and without thinking Narcissa had taken it. She had been so caught off guard by her boldness that her mind went blank. It was as if her hand had acted on its own.
“Narcissa Black,” Narcissa had said and shook her hand.
Lily had been so friendly to her from the start. She hadn’t tried to figure out who Narcissa was or if she was even worth having her hand extended to. Narcissa had known who Lily was, having been friends with Severus before school had even started. Lily was muggle born and her mother had told her not to interact with muggle borns. Narcissa briefly wondered why that was, now that Lily had been so friendly and warm towards her. She hadn’t ever questioned it before.
They had spoken again when Narcissa was in fourth year, just as briefly as the first time. Narcissa had been sitting by herself in the hallway and Lily had come up to her.
“Have you seen Sev around?” She had asked. Narcissa hadn’t responded right away, having felt conflicted as to how to act around her. She knew that Lily and Severus were still friends but her mother certainly wouldn’t allow her to befriend a muggle born.
“No.” Narcissa had responded politely.
“Oh,” Lily had said, “I haven’t talked to him in a few days. I feel like he’s been avoiding me.”
Narcissa didn’t know why Lily had felt the need to tell her this. “I haven’t seen him.” Narcissa said.
“Could you maybe tell him that I’m looking for him if you do see him?” Lily had asked her, voice trembling a little.
“Alright,” Narcissa had promised.
Narcissa wasn’t certain that it was Lily Evans and her friendliness that had made her question her family’s morals about blood purity. She never uttered these thoughts out loud, she knew back then that there was no point. She would only be punished and yelled at into submission if she did.
It was in fifth year that she realized that her friends seemed to be the unhappiest lot at Hogwarts. And they were all from pureblood families, holding hard onto the belief passed down from their parents. Other people seemed so happy and free whereas Narcissa and her friends only seemed repressed and angry. Narcissa was quiet and always stayed carefully in line. It certainly didn’t appear to Narcissa as if they were superior in any way. She had never even heard the reason as to why they would be.
Every day she saw Lily Evans and her group of friends laughing and poking fun at each other in ways her group of friends never did. Narcissa’s group of friends only knew loyalty or betrayal. There was no in-between.
When Narcissa was in sixth year they had spoken again. Lily had stumbled upon Narcissa in the library late at night while she had been studying. The library was almost empty except for the two of them since it was a weekend.
“Oh! I’m sorry–” Lily had said when Narcissa dropped her books, “I’m so sorry.” She continued and immediately got down on the floor to pick them up. Narcissa didn’t get on the floor. It would be unseemly, her mother would say.
“Thank you.” She said when Lily gave her the books back.
“No problem.” Lily said and blushed, “I’m sorry, really—”
“It’s alright.” Narcissa had reassured her and went back to the table where she had been sitting.
“Can I sit here?” Lily had asked and gestured vaguely to the chair opposite from Narcissa.
Narcissa had been caught off guard again. It reminded her of the first time she had spoken to Lily Evans, on that very first day of the school year. She had a brashness about her that Narcissa had never seen in another girl before. Her mother had taught Narcissa to put herself into a box. Lily lived as if there had never been a box in the first place. Maybe, for her, there never had been.
“Sure.” Narcissa had said. Lily sat down and took her books out from her school bag. They had both been quiet for a while, both of them studying. Narcissa tried no to show it, but Lily’s presence made her feel on edge. She wasn’t even reading anymore, she was just pretending, feeling Lily’s bold presence shaking things off balance.
“Why are you here on a saturday night?” Narcissa had finally asked. She realized that she had never started a conversation with Lily before, Lily had been the one starting conversations with her. Narcissa had never asked her anything back.
“I’m avoiding James Potter, to be honest with you.” Lily had laughed.
Surprisingly Narcissa laughed too. She couldn’t help it and once she had started she found that she couldn’t stop. Lily had looked confused for a moment but then she started laughing too. They were both laughing and normally they would probably be hushed, since they were in a library, but seeing as they were the only people in the library on a saturday night there hadn’t been anyone there to hush at them.
“I don’t even know why I’m laughing.” Narcissa managed and continued to laugh. Narcissa didn’t often laugh. Not like this. She had learned to laugh like a lady, quietly and obediently. She had only ever laughed like this with her sisters before. It felt so good to just laugh with another person and not try to contain it.
“Neither do I.” Lily said and laughed along with her.
Narcissa didn’t know it then, but they would never laugh together quite like this ever again. It had been such a strange moment between them. They weren’t friends but they had laughed together uncontrollably in the library late on a friday night. That was something they shared together now, and always would. It would always be something that had happened between them. Even if neither of them hadn’t quite known how to become friends with one another.
After the laughing incident in the library they would nod to each other in the hallways, and sometimes they even greeted each other. Other times they exchanged a few words about the recent quidditch game or, on very rare occasions, they would sit together in the library. They didn’t speak when their other friends were around. Narcissa didn’t know if that was because of her or if that was because of Lily.
On late nights, even now, she would sometimes remember the laugh she had shared with Lily in the library that one night. She still hadn’t laughed like that with anyone else besides her sisters and believed that she never would.
Before Narcissa started her seventh year at Hogwarts her parents had taken her to France for the summer. They had traveled with the Malfoy family and stayed in their villa. Narcissa had been excited to go, she loved France, but had become less excited when she learned that they would be staying with the Malfoy’s.
“They probably want you to marry him.” Bellatrix whispered and gestured to Narcissa. Her, Andromeda and Narcissa were hiding under the covers like they so often had when they were children.
“Lucius!?” Andromeda managed,
“Me!?” Narcissa asked.
“Yes, you!” Bellatrix said, “I've heard mother and father talk about it.”
“Why can’t either of you marry him!?” Narcissa asked.
“I’m already expected to marry Rodolphus.” Bellatrix sneered.
She had been complaining about it ever since mother and father had sat her down and proposed it. As if she had a choice.
“Well, I’m definitely not marrying him.” Andromeda laughed.
Narcissa pushed her. “Me neither!” Narcissa said and Andromeda pushed her back. Bellatrix started laughing, which made all of them laugh, and they continued to laugh and play fight for the rest of the night.
When Narcissa started her seventh year she was engaged to Lucius Malfoy, Bellatrix was married to Rodolphus and Andromeda had been disowned for choosing to marry a muggle born.
The next time Narcissa spoke to Lily Evans it had been on Lily’s birthday. Narcissa had been in the astronomy tower on that specific night. She had wanted to get away from everything. She was so tired of what other people expected from her. She was sick and tired of removing bits and pieces of herself to make other people happy. She was sick and tired of sharing a common room with her supposed betrothed. She had just wanted to be alone.
That was when Lily had entered the tower, a group of people behind her. Narcissa thought she could see Sirius among them but tried to keep her eyes to the ground. She didn’t want them to know she had been crying.
“Narcissa?” Lily had asked. Narcissa had looked up then. Lily’s green eyes met her blue eyes and she couldn’t look away. “Could you guys give us a minute?” She said to her group of friends. They argued a little bit, but eventually the rest of them had left and Lily sat down next to Narcissa.
“Firewhisky?” Lily had asked her and held out a bottle. Narcissa took it.
“I’ve never had firewhisky before.” Narcissa had said and took a swig, it burned her throat and she had started coughing, “Or even butterbeer.” she admitted once she had stopped coughing.
“You haven’t had butterbeer!?” Lily gasped, “You have to try it next time you’re in Hogsmeade. Promise me?” She asked.
“My mother says I’m not supposed to.” Narcissa said quietly.
“Your mother isn’t here though, is she?” Lily had said then with a glint in her eyes.
They were quiet for a while after that. They kept passing the bottle back and forth until Narcissa couldn’t quite feel the burning sensation in her throat anymore. It had been a lovely night. The stars were shining brightly and it was particularly warm even if it was the first month of the year.
“Are you alright?” Lily had finally asked.
“I have to be.” Narcissa replied. She felt a slight buzz from the firewhisky, but it felt nice. The weight of the world felt a little lighter and Lily’s presence grounded her.
“Says who?” Lily asked. They hadn’t been looking at each other. They had just sat there, sharing a bottle of firewhisky, looking up at the stars.
“Everyone.” Narcissa sighed. “You wouldn’t understand.”
“Probably not.” Lily admitted gently. Narcissa appreciated her honestly. It felt easier to talk to Lily than anyone else. Even her sisters. Lily didn’t care about who was inferior or superior, probably didn’t even believe in it, and she probably saw Narcissa as just Narcissa .
“Are you alright?” Narcissa had asked.
Lily smiled gently. “It’s my birthday, actually.”
“Is it really!?” Narcissa said, “Happy birthday, Lily.”
“Thank you, Narcissa.”
“You really don’t have to sit here with me. It’s your birthday after all. Go, have fun and celebrate.” Narcissa urged. Lily looked at her then. Narcissa hadn’t registered just how close they had been until they turned their faces to each other. It made something come alive in Narcissa’s chest but she couldn’t quite put a name to what the feeling was.
The two of them just looked at each other for what felt like hours, but was probably just a few seconds, and they were just looking at each other, just looking, just existing. The night was so quiet and the firewhisky had made them both feel so warm.
Even now Narcissa couldn’t remember if she had imagined Lily inching ever so slightly closer to her that night. In her memory she always did.
“Lily!” someone had called and Lily immediately got up from where she had been sitting. Narcissa found she didn’t want her to leave.
“Do you want to come to the party?” She asked and it had seemed as if she genuinely wanted Narcissa to come.
“Thank you, but no I’m alright.” Narcissa had said.
In her daydreams now she always says yes to Lily when she asks her. She always goes with her to her birthday party. Lily always inches her face closer to Narcissa’s.
They talked one more time in Narcissa’s Seventh year, close to the last day of the school year. Narcissa had finished all of her OWL:s and the only thing she had to look forward to these days was marrying Lucius Malfoy right after school. She barely spoke to her sisters anymore.
Narcissa had found Lily in the library again when she was returning all the books she had borrowed for her OWL:s. Lily was sitting by herself and had appeared to be studying.
“Hi.” Narcissa had said and immediately wanted to take it back. She almost never started conversations with Lily. Or with anyone, really.
“Narcissa!” Lily beamed and closed her book, “Congratulations on finishing your OWL:s!”
“Thank you.” Narcissa had replied and gestured to the chair opposite from Lily.
“Please, sit.” Lily said gently. Narcissa had done so.
“Are you excited to graduate?” Lily had asked her, green eyes shining bright. Narcissa had almost said yes. She had gotten so used to lying and repressing her emotions but for some reason it always felt wrong to do that when she was talking to Lily. She found she always wanted to be honest with her.
“No, actually.” Narcissa admitted and looked down at her hands on the table. “Real life begins after Hogwarts, and I’m not particularly excited for my real life to start.” She said. She was certain Lily knew of her engagement to Lucius, but she hoped that she somehow didn’t.
“I’m sorry.” Lily said and sounded sincere, “You know–” she tried, “You know, your life is your own. You can do whatever you want.” she finished. Narcissa wished that was true.
“My sister was disowned for marrying a muggle born.” Narcissa said quietly, “I don’t have a lot of choices in this life.”
“Don’t you think Andromeda is happier now?” Lily prodded. Narcissa was surprised that she knew who Andromeda was, but maybe she shouldn’t have been seeing as she was close friends with Sirius.
Narcissa didn’t want Andromeda to be happier, she wanted her back in her life. Narcissa only hummed in response.
“You deserve to be happy.” Lily had said eventually. Narcissa only looked at her then. She was so envious of how uncomplicated Lily’s life seemed to be.
Narcissa had graduated from Hogwarts and married Lucius Malfoy almost immediately. She thought of Lily Evans every now and then. They hadn’t spoken a lot, or been very close, but she found it to be strange not to be able to see her every day.
Two years went by until she saw Lily Evans again.
Narcissa had seen her in Diagon Alley and realized that Lily was probably getting supplies for her last year at Hogwarts. Narcissa had noticed her at Flourish and Blotts when she was picking up new books for herself. It was the first time Narcissa had noticed just how beautiful she really was. Narcissa hadn’t dared say anything.
Narcissa hadn’t known it, not really, but she had missed her.
The years went by and the whispers and rumors of a wizarding war were coming from every corner. Everyone was worried and everyone was anxious. Lucius withdrew from Narcissa, always telling her that he was busy. He stayed long hours at work, coming home late at night.
A couple of months later she learned that he had taken the dark mark.
Narcissa and Lily spoke to each other for the last time late on an ordinary Tuesday night. Narcissa and Lucius had been out to dinner and ended up having an argument, so Narcissa had stormed out of the restaurant. She had gone to the nearest liquor store in Diagon Alley.
“Narcissa?” She had heard that familiar voice say. She had turned around and sure enough, there was Lily Evans, holding a bottle of wine in her hands. Narcissa had just paid for a bottle of firewhisky. It felt strange somehow, buying firewhisky and meeting Lily when she had been the one to introduce it to her.
“Hello.” Narcissa had said, at a loss for a more eloquent greeting.
“One of those nights?” Lily asked and gestured to the bottle of firewhisky.
“You could say that.”
Lily held her gaze. “Wanna go for a walk?” She asked.
“Yes.” Narcissa had said without missing a beat.
They walked around Diagon Alley, passing the bottle of firewhisky back and forth just like they had on that one night in the astronomy tower on Lily’s birthday.
“How are you these days?” Lily had asked her.
“Not well, I don’t think.” Narcissa admitted. She still wanted to give Lily honesty.
“Neither.” Said Lily and took a swig, “They say there’s a war coming.”
“Yes.”
“Do you reckon there is?” Lily asked.
Narcissa knew the answer. “Yes.” She had said, always honest with Lily.
“Me too.” Lily had agreed. “You know–“ Lily laughs then, “You know, I think I had a crush on you at school,” she says, and Narcissa stops in her tracks. Frozen to the spot.
“You did?” She managed.
Lily had looked at her then, turned around and looked at Narcissa with her overwhelmingly green eyes. Narcissa could barely stand it.
“I did, too.” Narcissa admits, “I think.”
She hadn't been able to name the feeling back at Hogwarts but it felt so obvious to her now. Now that Lily had named it and called it what it had been.
Lily only looked at her.
“I wish we would’ve known back then.” Lily said and looked down at her feet.
“Me too.” Narcissa said and did the same.
It wouldn’t have mattered either way, Narcissa knows this, but it’s fun to toy with the idea every now and then. Sometimes she wonders what really would have happened if they could’ve put a name to the feeling back at Hogwarts. Would they have had a go at it perhaps? And what would that even have looked like?
It didn't matter in the end.
A year later Narcissa was pregnant.
A few months later, so was Lily.
Lily Evans was dead and Narcissa wasn’t allowed to grieve. Lily Evans and James Potter were dead, having left their son behind who had killed Voldemort.
Narcissa knew that Lily had met her fate unafraid and brave. She always had been.
Narcissa wished that the forces of evil had become confused on their way to her house. That he had seen her and how beautiful and kind she was and thought that maybe she deserved to live. Narcissa knows that isn’t true.
Lily Evans was dead and Narcissa wasn’t allowed to cry for her.
Narcissa had witnessed her son Draco commit many of the same mistakes that Lucius had committed and she wondered if it was her doing. Lily had told her once that her life was her own and she had dismissed her. She wondered how often Draco had thought of his life as not his own.
But Draco wasn’t his father, and he wasn’t his mother. He was just a child and he had time to grow and learn from his mistakes.
She watched him fall in love with Lily’s son and it had tugged at Narcissa’s heartstrings, making her remember. She was so happy for him for finally chasing happiness and finding it and sticking to it. She was so proud of him for trying to forgive himself.
Narcissa didn’t forgive herself and she probably never would. This secret would die with her. She would take it to her grave. Draco was allowed to love Harry in a way that Narcissa had never allowed herself to love Lily.
This secret was the only thing that had been hers, and hers alone. She didn’t want to share it with anyone.
She remembered Lily’s laughter and smiled to herself. They had been so young back then and Lily hadn’t been allowed to grow old.
She saw Lily’s green eyes when she looked at Harry and remembered when the two of them had sat in the astronomy tower together.
She had butterbeer with her son and remembered when Lily had told her that she had a crush on her back at Hogwarts.
She had these bits and pieces of a love she never got to experience, but it was still hers.