Undiagnosed ADHD
James’ POV
Remus walked into the common room, carrying more books than he had left with.
“Hiya Moony,” James waved to him.
“Hey Prongs,” Remus said as he sat down on one of the big fluffy arm chairs, shaking his bag from his shoulder and pulling out his homework. He suddenly stopped, gasped, and looked at James with wide eyes. “Shit, I forgot to grab that book you asked for!”
“They have it in?” James sat up, now on the edge of his seat.
“Yeah,” Remus shook his head and rested it on his palm. “I’m so sorry, god, that’s my bad. I had it with me and everything, but I just left it on the table.”
James laughed lightly, “Don’t worry, Remus, I can just go get it now.”
Remus watched him with an apologetic look as he stood to leave. “I really am sorry,” he frowned.
“I know,” James smiled at him and hurried from the common room.
He practically skipped down to the library, less from excitement and more from worrying that the book would be taken in his absence. It was one of those books that everyone knew was like a cheat sheet for class, which was why James had such a hard time finding it in the past.
As he hurried down the halls students he passed gave him weird looks, some told him to quiet down because of the loud clack of his shoes, and others just flipped him off. Very different reactions than he was used to. He could only assume it was due to yesterday's pranks or the kids' hangovers.
Once he reached the library doors he slipped inside quietly, as to not disturb those already in there, and hurried to the back. James didn’t know if the book would still be there, or if Remus had sat in his usual spot, but it was worth it to check in the back first.
The Gryffindor shimmied through a few stacks of books and passed one table after another when he saw Regulus leaning over his own. James smirked, fully intending to scare the boy, when he noticed he was shaking. He stopped where he was and watched as a tear fell from the younger Black’s face and hit the book below him.
Regulus took a few shaky breaths before slotting his bookmark between the pages and standing, shoving the dark-covered novel into his bag. The younger boy was shaking so bad and James just wanted to hug him and tell it would be ok — what would be ok? He didn’t know — but he couldn’t because they weren’t close and he knew Regulus would recoil. The temptation was there, however, and James had to work harder than he would’ve thought to push it to the back of his mind.
Once the boy was up and out of his seat he turned and took a step forward, looked up, and covered his hurt expression with the smoothness of someone who’d practiced it a million times. James saw Regulus’ lips move but couldn’t make out what he’d said.
“Regulus,” James whispered and reached a hand out, letting it fall back to his side when the fifth year jerked back.
“Don’t,” Regulus spat and tried to shove past James who blocked his path.
“What happened?” He wouldn’t let him go before making sure he was ok.
“Merlin, Potter,” Regulus sighed angrily, and glared at him. “Didn’t anyone teach you to mind your fucking business?” He hissed, voice still at a whisper.
James tried to look Regulus in the eye but the Slytherin tore his gaze away, bottom lip quivering. “Reg,” his head whipped back to James as he held back tears, “Please just tell me what’s wrong.”
More tears fell and Regulus tried to wipe them away, but they just kept falling and he just glared at James with his mouth held tightly shut. James was sure Regulus didn’t want to be crying in front of him, and that he knew how not to, which meant something was horribly wrong. Something was so wrong that Regulus of all people couldn’t stop crying.
The situation was so delicate and James was scared that if he even breathed the world would break, and Regulus would shatter in front of him.
He put a comforting hand on Regulus' shoulder and told him to breathe. The boy listened, and counted his breaths, as they stood there in the quiet of the library. Regulus swayed on his feet as he collected himself and rested his head on James’ chest. James was taken aback, but didn’t say anything. He let Regulus stay like that for a while. He wanted to give the boy whatever comfort he could provide.
“It’s too much,” Regulus finally said, so quietly James wasn’t sure he’d said anything at all.
“What is?” He whispered back, careful to choose his words.
“Everything,” Regulus moved to look at James and he could see something different in his face. He could see some sort of vulnerability that he’d never seen before, something Regulus had always been so careful to hide.
James just frowned, feeling so, so bad for the boy in front of him. Regulus moved past James, who wanted to stop him, and hurried out of the library. James slumped into one of the chairs, hurt by the boy's saddened expression. He didn’t know what happened, he couldn’t think of one thing that would’ve made Regulus cry like that, in public of all places.
The sixth year sat there for a few minutes, running through any and all possibilities. He wished that he could’ve been more helpful, that Regulus would’ve felt comfortable confiding in him. James was supposed to be trustworthy, and helpful, and he was supposed to care for everyone, but Regulus wouldn’t let him. Not yet.
He moved his face from his palms, where it had been resting for the past few minutes, and stood to look for the book. Coincidentally Regulus had been at the same table in which Remus usually sat, and he found ‘Understanding Constellations’ right in the center of the dark, wooden table.
James grabbed it and left the library, hoping Regulus would be ok, hoping that he’d be able to speak to him soon, hoping that he could figure out what happened. Hoping that Regulus would open up, yet knowing he may never.
-~-~-~-~-~-~-
James was sitting in his dorm that night, painfully staring at the parchment and books strewn across his bed. Trying to start work was so hard and the idea of it was so horrible he just couldn’t take it.
He groaned and pulled his knees up to his face, arms wrapped around his legs. “Fuck school,” he muttered, choking back tears of frustration.
James had yet to find a name for his problem, one which he’d faced his entire life. Every time he’d brought it up to his parents they would try to comfort him and offer useless motivators. He didn’t know what to do in those situations and would pretend they were helping, although none of their (supposedly) comforting words did anything.
The boy rocked himself back and forth, and shoved his face further into his knees, wanting more pressure on himself than possible. He took slow shaky breaths, trying his best to calm down and think straight.
When he heard the door to the room open, he jumped out of his position, stacking the books as if to hide some porn magazines. Sirius walked in, and waved to James with a sad smile. James didn’t wave back but he did not look at the boy with hate as he had for the last few weeks.
If Remus wasn’t still so upset with him, James would have forgiven him by now. He didn’t mean any harm, to be fair. Maybe he did. James didn’t think he did. He just wanted his friend back, if he was being honest, but he had to stand by Remus until they were ok again.
Sirius went ahead and sat in front of his bed. He looked over at James, who was trying to ignore him and focus on his work. When James glanced over at him, he saw that Sirius was just watching him as he frustratingly sifted through his assignments, unsure of where to start.
“Start with the smallest one,” Sirius offered and stood up, walking over to James and sitting on the edge of his bed.
James didn’t respond, but listened to him anyway. He found his muggle studies work, which was a small paper on the most recent chapter they had read in class (Intro to Muggle Money), and started to write.
“Not so bad when you just do it, you know?” Sirius watched and waited as James continued to work, still ignoring him.
They sat there for another half hour, James doing his assignments slowly with the help of Sirius. He hated to admit it, since they were supposed to be on bad terms and all, but Sirius was rather good company. He was a good friend, afterall.
James was halfway through a reading on nonverbal spell tips when Sirius spoke again, having been in silence for several minutes.
The other boy was quiet when he spoke and his words were shaky, but James could make them out fine. “Can you tell Remus I’m sorry?” James looked up at him, finding a somber expression.
“What?” James set down his quill and properly acknowledged the other boy.
“Tell Remus I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it. I really didn’t mean it.” Sirius’ eyes were pleading and James thought he might’ve been about to cry.
“He’s not going to listen to me, Pads.” James took a breath, and spoke again, “You need to tell him yourself.”
“He won’t talk to me, he hates me, James, he hates me so much,” Sirius whispered almost frantically.
“But he needs to hear it from you, not some middle man, Sirius. He’ll never think you mean it if I tell him for you.”
“I know,” Sirius looked down at his pale and bony hands.
James waited for him to say something else, speaking when he realized Sirius wouldn’t. “I’ll talk to him,” Sirius’ head whipped up to look at him. “But,” James continued, “You still have to apologize, I’m only going to get him to have a conversation with you.”
“Thank you,” Sirius reached out for a moment, probably to hug James, but pulled back. He would’ve let him hug him, but he wasn’t going to say that.
James nodded stiffly and went back to his schoolwork. Sirius stayed there for a while longer, watching James work and read and write. He didn’t say anything else, neither of them did, and Sirius eventually left to his respective bed, closing the curtains when he sat down.
They’d usually sit and talk for hours. That’s what they used to do, and James couldn’t help but feel hurt by the way they were now. If only Sirius hadn’t fucked up and called Remus the one thing that hurt most. If only Sirius thought before he spoke.
The two could still be as close as ever, it would’ve been so easy, but Sirius was reckless and stupid. He just had to go and fuck things up. James shook the thoughts from his head, feeling bad about insulting his friend. They were still friends, even if they weren’t on good terms. Sirius would always be his friend.
James stared down at the pile of papers on his bed and pushed them aside. He pulled out the map and immediately looked for Regulus. There was a moment of excitement when he saw that the Slytherin was in the Astronomy tower, but his heart dropped when he saw that the boy was not alone.