A Monster
James’ POV
Sirius returned to the dorm a few days after the incident. His roommates, however, were not happy to see him. This was because Remus had, begrudgingly, told James of the argument just earlier that day.
~Sirius and Remus had been in the dorm together, sitting on Remus’ bed, listening to some of Sirius’ records. Remus had begun to overheat a bit and decided to change out of his jumper. But he had forgotten about the large, fresh, silver claw mark on his back, one which Sirius was unaware of.
He moved across the room and grabbed a different shirt, and as he pulled his jumper over his head, he could hear Sirius’ breathing change to a less steady pace as it caught in his throat.
“Moony,” he turned to see Sirius with a pitiful look, “What happened?”
It took Remus a moment to realize what he was referring to. “Oh, the last full moon,” Remus shrugged, “It didn’t go well.”
He sat back down on the bed, “Does it still hurt?”
“No,” which was half true. It only hurt sometimes, but it didn’t at the moment.
“Be honest with me Moony, does it still hurt?” he rested his hand on Remus’ and looked into his soft brown eyes as if searching for his answer.
“God, Sirius, I said no,” Remus pulled away from his friend. He was beginning to feel uncomfortable but was unsure if it was the close proximity or the subject.
“I’m just trying to help,” Sirius spit back at him.
“But I’m fine, so stop trying.”
Sirius sat there with an angry look on his face, but there was something else there, something sweet, “Why won’t you let me help you? I’m trying to be a good friend, Remu.”
“Because,” Remus sighed, “Nothing is wrong. I don’t need your fucking help.”
Sirius reached out, and Remus slapped his hand away. He held it as though it had been burnt. The rest of the fight was hard to remember, it was aggressive and cruel. Remus could only recall the moment when Sirius went too far.
“You’re a monster, you know that? You try so hard to detach yourself from that stupid werewolf, but that’s all you are.”~
Remus cried when he said this to James. His breaths were shuddering sobs, and he leaned into his friend's shoulder, trying to ground himself. The trust he had with Sirius, shattered in only a moment. The love he had for him, destroyed. Hate had filled his lungs in turn, but he tried so hard not to let go of the feelings he had for Sirius. He didn’t want to, but it would have been so easy.
~Sirius hadn’t meant it, not really. When he saw the hurt in Remus’ face, the tears threatening to fall, he tried to take it back. He begged for Remus to forgive him.
He just couldn’t. It hurt too much. Sirius knew that Remus felt as though he was a monster, something dangerous and scary. He had told Remus before that he wasn’t a monster and he wasn’t scary, that he was beautiful. But Remus realized that might be a lie, a cruel and mean lie.~
So, when James saw Sirius walk into the dorm, he grabbed Remus’ arm and pulled him out of the room. Sirius gave them a hurt look as they left, but James ignored it.
“Sorry,” James said as they were taking the stairs to the common room, “I didn’t think you’d want to be in there with him.”
“It’s alright,” Remus gave a sort of upside down smile, “You guessed right.”
“If you want I can ask about him switching rooms?”
“No, that’s fine, I’ll figure it out.” The two entered the common room where Peter was playing chess with Marlene. They were sitting in front of the fire on the huge red and gold rug, Peter was white and Marlene was black.
“Checkmate,” Peter gave her an evil sort of grin.
Marlene let out a sort of dejected yell, “That’s not fair!”
Peter just rolled his eyes and greeted the two boys as they sat on the soft, red sofa.
“Peter is beating my arse in chess again,” Marlene frowned.
“Per usual,” Remus smiled.
“If it upsets you so much, don’t play,” Peter began to put away the game.
“I can’t just accept defeat!” Marlene threw her hands up, “We need a rematch!”
“Tomorrow, how ‘bout?”
“Fine then,” Marlene sighed, “I’m gonna win, Pettigrew!”
Peter laughed in response, going to sit on the armchair closest to James. Marlene skipped off, following Lily, who had just come down from the dorms.
“You gonna clean that up?” James questioned as the girls left through the portrait hole.
Peter waved a hand at it briskly, “Eventually.”
“‘Right then,” James looked to Remus, wondering if he’d say anything about Sirius, but he didn’t have to.
“Sirius is back,” Peter said.
“I know,” Remus gritted, glaring at Peter.
“Oh, yeah, ‘course you do.”
The trio sat in a sort of awkward silence, the air between them feeling stale. James felt like he’d intruded on the two, even though he showed up with Remus.
“He asked,” Peter paused when Remus whipped his head back at him, “If he could speak with you.” The sentence ended quietly as Peter reverted back into his shell.
“I hope you said no,” Remus spat as he stood up and began to walk towards the portrait hole.
“I-I did, of course I did, Moony,” he stumbled on his words, reaching a hand to the boy.
Remus scoffed as he left the common room. Peter slumped back in his chair, glum from his friend's mood.
“Does he hate me now?” Peter turned to James as his brows met on his forehead.
“He could never hate you, Wormy,” James gave a reassuring smile. “He’s just going through it, and the full moon is in less than a week…”
“Wait, is Sirius going to be there with us?” Peter cocked his head slightly.
“I don’t think so.”
James sighed and got up from his seat, waving to Peter as he left. The fat lady waved to him as well when the portrait shut and he began down the hall.
That had been one of the few times he had to think about something other than Regulus that week. Of how he hurt him so much, bringing up his family like that. If he hadn’t known it was such a sore subject, he wouldn’t blame himself, but he knew well enough. He knew because of the way Sirius would come back after break, skinny and bruised, bags under his eyes and his spirit chipped slightly. He knew because of the nights his friend would cry and beg for a new family as he rocked in James’ arms. He knew because of the stories he’d been told of Sirius’ home life, of how he was cursed as punishment for small mistakes, tortured for childish jokes.
But James knew best of all because of the way his friend had rolled into his living room just last June, bloodied and cut up after refusing the dark mark. Sirius had told him of how badly he wanted to return to help his brother, but that Regulus didn’t think he could be helped, that Regulus had already lost hope.
Now that James hadn’t seen him at meals either or in the library during any breaks he began to worry. Maybe he’d just been avoiding him, or maybe his comment had hurt that badly.
James picked up his pace as he hurried through the halls, trying to reach the outside before his lungs collapsed on him. He bumped into someone as he wiped a tear from his face, apologizing as he hurried forward.
James stopped in his tracks, however, when he heard a familiar laugh sound from behind him.
“Never thought I’d get an apology from you, Potter.”
James whipped his head around, pulling his wand from his pocket, “Snape.”