the creek
He sits upon the cliffs
And he doesn’t want to live
Alone in the vast world
As he remembers her blonde curls
Their laughter that graced the wind
Their light that had been dimmed
He sits upon the cliffs
And wonders; what if.
„He’s dead? “, Luna wondered. Honestly, there wasn’t much to be surprised about. He had been a Death Eater indeed, so if he got injured during battle or was captured, it was obvious that he’d not live for very long.
Xenophilius just stared after the boy in incomprehension.
“He died in Azkaban? “, he repeated. His mind was racing. How hadn’t he thought of this before? It seemed the most logical. It was the most logical. How hadn’t he thought of that before? How had he been so stupid? Why didn’t he know that his friends were all dead? He should’ve known, he should’ve looked for them earlier, he should’ve never let them to leave-
Neville shifted on his feet.
“Uhm … are you okay, Mr. Lovegood?”, he asked hesitantly after seeing the older man’s apathetic stare.
“Yeah yeah, I just need to”, he started stuttering around, turning around in multiple directions, looking like a broken doll, “I just need to- I need to sit down …”
His mind seemed to be far away. His eyes were glazed over with a slight haze, as he muttered the same words over and over again.
“I need to- I need to sit down …”
His hands were shaking, grasping in the air in front of him as he turned around and staggered away.
Luna exchanged a look with Neville.
“Is he … is he going to be, okay?”, he asked, trying to catch a glance at the other man who had made it onto the pavement.
She just stared after him.
“It’s the wrackspurts again. They like to mess with his head a lot. I should probably go after him, I wouldn’t want to leave him alone with them now, would I?”
Her large eyes focused on Neville again.
“He gets them quite often, you know. They seem to particularly like him.”
The boy just nodded, feigning comprehension before gesturing towards his grandmother’s house.
“I hope he can get all … nice and … wrackspurt-free again soon! But I’ve really got to go now. My grandma is calling, you see …”
He sheepishly scratched at his nape, before waving awkwardly and bolting back towards his house.
Luna too began to go after her father. She slowed down when she reached him, gently laying a hand on his shoulder.
He was still muttering, staring at the hills and the sea in front of him, his eyes focused on the clouded horizon.
“Hey Daddy? It’s me, Luna”, she said quietly, not wanting to frighten him.
He didn’t react. His hands were shaking as he fidgeted with his shirt.
“Barty’s dead”, he whispered,” Barty’s dead.”
Luna just sighed, taking his hands in hers and positioning herself in his line of sight. But he didn’t look down.
His eyes were still wide and unmoving, focused onto the place where grey met black.
“He’s … he’s dead.”
There was a rawness to his voice, broken and hoarse.
His daughter just nodded.
“I know, Daddy. I’m sorry.”
He stared past her. Luna felt a little pang in her heart. She knew that look.
She knew he was spiraling again.
She could see it in his eyes. In his mannerism.
How his hands shook. How he got that faraway look in his eyes. How he constantly tried to wet his lips, try to speak, but no sound left them.
So, she gently guided him away from the hills, turning his face to look at her.
“Hey, Daddy? Can you hear me?”, she asked, pale blue eyes filled with tenderness.
He didn’t seem to notice her. His eyes stayed focused at a point above her. He was trapped in his mind again.
Xenophilius didn’t know when he’d started crying. He didn’t even know how long they had stood there.
Someone was holding him; a hand was drawing circles on his back. It was strangely comforting, grounding him. His vision was blurry. All he could see was where the sky met the sea. Grey met black. It was as if all the color had been sucked out of him. Life was bland. It was tasteless. Life was … devoid of anything that made it life.
He could feel the warm tears on his face. Following the little cracks on his skin, creating rivers and creeks.
The creeks …
His tears mixed with something else. A silver haze. And suddenly, he was somewhere else.
It was green. He knew this place. There were trees everywhere. A little creek flowing downhill. An opening in a dark forest. The forbidden forest.
“Xeno!”, someone yelled.
His head snapped around. The voice sounded familiar.
Who was it? Xenophilius squinted. There was someone running towards him.
“Xeno!” They repeated.
And suddenly, their features sharpened.
There was bright blonde hair. There were pale blue eyes. And there was a smile so vibrant it could rival the sun.
He could feel his heart leap.
She was the sun. She was the sun. She was his sun.
She came to a halt in front of him. And suddenly, all his sorrows were forgotten.
Because Pandora was there. Pandora was here, right in front of him, and he remembered her face with clarity, he could remember the way her voice sounded, the way she always smelled of strawberries this time of year, he-
he remembered her. And the way she stood in front of him, he wondered how he could’ve ever forgotten her.
Her light blue dress swayed around her in the light summer breeze.
“Hey there, Xeno”, she said, “I missed you.”
A mischievous grin tugged at the corner of her lips.
He couldn’t comprehend. She’s here she’s here she’s here-
“You’re … here?”, he stuttered out. Breathing seemed difficult. She took his breath away.
His eyes shone. He looked at her. Took every detail in. The mole beneath her eye. The swan constellation she’d let Regulus paint on her arm. The way her hair softly curled under the golden light.
The way her eyes lit up when she saw him.
Her grin didn’t waver.
“Of course, I’m here”, she exclaimed excitedly, “In fact, we were all just waiting for you to arrive! They’re over by the creek.”
She pointed over at it. The sunlight reflected on the water, creating sparkles in the air.
And she was right. There they all were. Regulus, Evan, Barty and Dorcas.
He looked back at her. Looked back at them.
“But … how is this possible?”, he asked. “How are you all here?”
Pandora tilted her head in question.
“What do you mean? We’re here to celebrate our OWLs! Don’t you remember? We wanted to …”
Her voice faded out. His heart was pounding loudly in his chest.
Don’t you remember?
The phrase echoed in Xenophilius’ head. He felt a little dizzy. Something tugged on his mind.
Don’t you remember?
He focused on it. His head hurt.
Don’t you remember?
He couldn’t remember. Why couldn’t he remember?
His breathing became heavy. He clutched his ears.
Don’t you remember?
“Xeno? Are you alright?”
Concern clouded Pandora’s face. Xenophilius doubled over.
“Xenophilius!”
He could feel the grass under his fingers. Cool and soft. His lungs screamed for air.
“I can’t-“, he gasped out, “I can’t remember-“
A sharp sting travelled through his head. And then, something snapped.
The dam he had built all those years ago broke. And with its collapse, everything it had kept away, flooded back into his mind.
Memories. All of it. All he had forgotten. Everything he had locked away, forced away. Forced himself to forget.
It was all coming back.
There were pictures, videos of his life playing in front of his eyes. Him, laughing with Evan Rosier at the Slytherin table. Late night strolls with Barty Crouch Jr. to the kitchen. Going to Regulus Black’s quidditch games to cheer for him. Studying in the library with Dorcas Meadowes, Lily Evans and Remus Lupin. Secret meet-ups in the room of requirement. Spending the holidays at Pandora’s house with the three of them.
He could hear their voices reverberate in his head.
“Xeno! Come join us at later!”
That was Evan, waving at him as he jogged down towards the Black Lake. He looked so young, wide smile gracing his features.
Xenophilius turned around, and suddenly it went dark.
“Now you’re officially old”, Barty said. The candles from the cake illuminated his face. He was wearing a shit-eating grin.
“How does it feel, old man?”
Their laughter rang in his ears.
His head snapped around.
“You do know that this is forbidden, yeah?”
That was his voice. Dorcas chuckled, raising another cigarette to her lips.
“But that’s what makes it so fun.”
Another memory flitted past.
“We’ve got to play a duet sometime soon.”
Regulus smiled softly from behind his cello. Xeno’s piano was catching the moonlight.
“How about at our wedding?”, Barty asked excitedly, “I’m sure we’ll properly appreciate your skills.”
Evan smacked the back of his head.
“But who’ll be our best men then?”
Barty threw his head back in a chuckle.
“I’m sure Dorcas and Pandora would love to be our best men. Or ladies, so to say.”
It went faster and faster, until everything was turning into a blur.
He could hear their voices, hear their chatter, their banter loud and clear whilst the pictures flitted past in front of his eyes.
He tried to reach out. Pleaded for it to stop, to slow down so he could comprehend what was happening.
“Wait!”, he forced out of his throat, “Wait for me …”
But to no avail. His head felt like it was about to burst. The previous emptiness was suddenly filled again. He didn’t know why.
His tears fell to the ground as he clutched his head once again, shaking uncontrollably. Hysteric sobs left his mouth.
“Please …”, he whispered in the onslaught of memories, “please just make it stop.”
And as if on cue, the stream started to slow down. If it had been dragging him along, throwing him around wildly, now it was slowly calming down.
He could feel a hand on his back, still rubbing soft circles onto his back. A voice was whispering words to him.
“I’m sorry, Daddy. It’s going to be okay. I’m sorry.”
He could feel himself clutch onto the other person as if they were his anchor in this rough, rough storm.
His head was hurting. His nose running.
“Shh”, they whispered, “you’re here. I’m here. This is real.”
Xenophilius whimpered quietly. He was aware of the cold wind that was cutting into his face. He tried to open his eyes. Blinked against the light that colored the sky pink and purple.
His eyes focused on the person in front of him. She smiled up at him, tear streaks evident on her face.
Her hair was the same bright shade of blonde, her eyes the same pale blue. But the smile was sad and small.
“Luna?”, he asked, blinking the tears away. His voice broke.
The girl nodded as she tried to wipe her eyes dry.
“It’s me, Daddy.”
The cold wind was blowing into his clothes, making him shudder as it made direct contact with his sweaty skin.
“… How are you doing now?”
The question hung in between the two of them.
Xenophilius stared at the horizon again. The clouds had moved on, revealing the sun. The pink sky met the orange sea. It was beautiful.
But the sight only filled him with sorrow. It reminded him of them. The way they used to watch the sunsets on the roofs of Hogwarts. They were supposed to be here with him. But they weren’t.
A lonely seagull glid above the waves. He couldn’t help but smile bitterly.
Luna looked up at him with knowing eyes.
She took his hand. They were both cold.
And as Xenophilius continued to watch the sunset above the sea, all he could think about was one memory. One memory that he’d almost missed. One memory which had sealed his fate.
He’d been at the cliffs. Right here. Alone. Sitting on the edge.
“Obliviate.”