Shadows In The Crowd
Sirius awoke early the next morning with a blanket draped over his shoulders and the shrill whistle of a tea kettle coming from the kitchen.
He winced as he rose, massaging his temples with his thumb and index. Baby Harry began to wail in the other room and immediately the memories of the night before came crashing back in a blur of despair and drunk stumbling. With strenuous effort, he pushed himself up onto his feet, grabbing the armrest for support. When he was sure the rest of last night’s fun would not end up splattered on his shoes, he shuffled down the steps to the kitchen.
The drapes were drawn back. Sirius could not remember a time in his life when the little kitchen window in the basement had been opened, spilling light into the dingy room that had once been bustling with cooks, maids, and butlers alike, too scared to speak in fear of his daunting mother’s unending yelling.
Remus walked around the kitchen with surprising ease, little Harry bouncing on his good hip. Thankfully, he’d seemed to stop crying for the time being, eyes red and nose snotty. Remus did not notice him enter for a long time, too focused on the task at hand, and Sirius was almost scared to interrupt him until he finally looked up and said, “Oh. I thought you were still asleep, didn’t hear you.”
“I figured,” he answered plainly, easing himself down into a rickety chair in the corner of the room, but the wood was far from comfortable no matter the amount of shifting.
Suddenly, he was transported back to when he was six years old, standing in the doorway with his stuffed snake cuddled in his arms. Regulus stood at his side, only four, holding Sirius’s hand in one and thumb stuck in his mouth in the other. Like curious children often do, the two had snuck downstairs when one of the maids had swung the door wide enough open. Sirius had stared, awestruck, watching the hustle and bustle of the kitchen as wands were used like frosting bags on glorious desserts and ingredients soared around in the air in high arcs.
None of the cooks noticed the boy’s presence, too busy with their exhausting work that seemed to suck the magic straight from their bodies. Sirius noticed that behind the large congregation of head chefs and maids yelling orders at each other sat a small table, crowded with burly men dressed in tight white uniforms that barely fit their huge frames.
And still, they sat leaning over their meals, devouring every last morsel as if they would never eat again. Little Sirius cocked his head to the side, confused. They were big scary men, like his uncles. Were they not well fed? How could they be so hungry?
“Reggie,” Sirius whispered to his brother, who clung to his hand tightly, “Reggie, get me those grapes on the counter, would you? You could sneak between the cooks.”
And although he seemed hesitant, sweet Regulus was quick to comply. He ducked in between two cook’s frames, standing on his tiptoes to reach the big bowl. The little boy grunted with the effort to reach, but after one swipe, then two, he managed to reach the bowl and he took it down without the cooks seeming to notice.
Sirius ruffled his brother’s hair. “Nice one, Reg.”
Then he took the large bowl from Regulus and placed it on the table next to the cooks. The men looked down at him, seeming to see him for the first time. He beamed proudly. “For you!”
The four men looked at their counterparts, but only one of them spoke up. He had a thick cockney accent. “Wha’re you doin’ down ‘ere, Mr. Black?”
“I got you grapes,” he said instead, “You should eat them. You look hungry.”
The man that had spokens eyes shifted warily, then back down at the insisting little boy before him, before he plucked a grape off the stem and popped it in his mouth. And just as his friends had begun to reach for their own, the door crashed open with a loud bang and his mother screeched, “Sirius Orion Black come here this instant!”
Sirius whirled around, startled. His mother’s eyes burned like twin flames, and just as he had, the room seemed to cower too. She snatched Regulus by the wrist and his little brother began to sob uncontrollably. Walburga’s face twisted into disgust.
“Stop that,” she hissed at Regulus, and when he did not stop she swatted his backside with the palm of her hand. Then, her glinting eyes slithered to Sirius, who stood frozen, snake plush still clutched in his arms. Her tone was like ice. “Come to me.”
Somehow, he complied. And before he could think twice, she snatched the snake from his hands and pitched it into the wood burning stove. Sirius clutched both his tiny hands over his mouth to stop himself from crying out.
His mother turned her nose up at him. “Never come down here again. You understand me?”
Sirius nodded as he choked back tears, not wanting to have the same punishment as his unfortunate little brother, but as the door shut on the kitchen he realized that he did not understand her. But even at the age of six, he knew never to ask.
“Sirius? Sirius, are you still with me?”
He blinked and Remus was in front of him, kneeled down so that they were nearly face to face. Harry babbled happily now at his side, smiling just as young Reggie once had before he’d learned of the icy wrath of the noble Black’s.
Sirius sucked in a breath. He needed a drink. “Yes. Yeah, sorry.”
Remus kept his expression neutral, but there was no mistaking the twitch of his jaw, the wrinkle that threatened to cross his forehead. “It’s alright. Just thought I’d bored you.”
He scrubbed a hand over his face when Remus turned his back to him. “No. No, sorry. Just thinking.”
“I made tea,” he offered, always quick to change the subject when he knew Sirius was too deep in his head, “And I’m making eggs. Try to eat a bit, will you? It might do you some good to have something on your stomach.”
“I’ll try,” he offered, although he knew the chances that he’d manage to keep his food down were slim, “Did you get any sleep last night?”
Remus considered the question as he walked back to the stove. “A little. But I’m fine. I’ll go to bed early tonight. Harry started crying last night, so I was mainly up with him. Besides, I needed to keep my hands busy.”
Sirius paused with his teacup halfway to his lips. His voice came out smaller than he had intended. “He was crying?”
Remus looked at him over his shoulder, then back again. He scraped the eggs onto two plates and placed one in front of Sirius. Despite how great they looked, just the smell made his stomach flip, but he picked up his fork and ate a small bite.
“Yeah, he was crying. Did you not hear?”
Sirius coughed to conceal his hurt, knowing he had no reason to be upset. It’s not like Remus had done anything wrong. He pushed the egg around with his fork. “No, I guess I didn’t.”
Remus sipped his tea, nodding to himself. “You had a hard night. You were exhausted and you certainly weren’t in the right headspace. I’m glad you got some rest. I don’t mean to sound rude, but you needed it.”
“You’ve always been so good with words, Remus,” he said a little bitterly, but thankfully Remus simply laughed it off, something that surprised him greatly. He’d always been so quick to anger. Had he really changed so much in such little time? Sirius cleared his throat. “I just feel bad, y’know. If I had been here alone with Harry and I hadn’t heard-”
“But you weren’t,” he interjected, eyeing him pointedly, as if to say drop it, “And you aren’t going to be.”
He found his cheeks turning pink and he had to turn away. “Right… I didn’t know you were so good with kids.”
“I wasn’t,” he admitted, taking a bite of his eggs. He covered his mouth with his hand, a habit Sirius had once had. He used to tease him about it all the time, Sirius remembered fondly. “It took time, and although I was terrified with the whole werewolf thing, James and Lily were very patient with me. I guess we warmed up to each other.”
Sirius’s shoulders shrunk, like when he was a child being scolded in his parent’s bedroom. “I didn’t realize you’d spent so much time with Harry.”
“Well,” he backtracked, “Not a lot. Less days but long hours. James was very keen on helping me get over my ‘fear of children.’”
He tried to laugh politely along with Remus, but all he could think about was Remus holding his godson, laughing and playing, watching him grow up without him. Something about the thought made his chest ache.
Remus must’ve noticed, because he added gently, “You’ll learn, Sirius. It’s hard, but I know you’ll get the hang of it.”
“Not if I’m not sober,” he muttered, and the frown that crossed his friend’s face only made his cheeks burn with bright embarrassment.
“That’s your decision to make, Sirius,” he said, all gentleness gone, only replaced by a cool, even tone that shook him to his core, “But I would choose wisely if you want to be with your godson.”
Sirius looked up, wide eyed. “Are you threatening me, Moony?”
“If it’ll knock some sense into your head,” he said without an ounce of sarcasm, “Eat your eggs. You’re coming with me to the store to get some things for Harry. Meet me upstairs.”
Sirius ate quietly and put the plates away when he was done, but before he left he took one good look around the kitchen, back to the table in the corner, where the same china bowl still sat abandoned and empty all those years later.
He shut the door with the tang of sour grapes on his tongue and the smell of fire clinging to his clothes.
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They found themselves at a corner store nearby Grimmauld’s Place. Remus roamed the aisles with surprising speed, tossing items into his trolley without much thought, while Sirius was left in the dust with Harry wiggling in his arms.
“Merlin, he never stops moving, does he?”
Remus chuckled under his breath, low and raspy from long years of smoking. “Sounds like Prongs.”
Sirius managed a faint smile, but it wasn’t long before sadness squeezed his heart and his face fell again. “Yeah. Like Prongs.”
He began to reach for a bottle of wine at the top of the shelf and Remus put it back faster than he had time to get it in the trolley. Sirius fought the urge not to curse at him, and instead decided to flash him a mighty glare. Remus did not seem to care.
The werewolf eyed him. “I’m watching you, Padfoot. I wasn’t joking.”
Sirius turned away to hide his eye roll, although in the pit of his stomach he knew that his old friend was right. “I didn’t think you were,” he mumbled, feeling suddenly downcast.
Remus was kind enough to not embarrass him more, instead simply swiped a hand through his hair with a frustrated sigh. Unlike the short cut style of his youth, Remus had let his hair grow out around the nape of his neck, shaggy around his eyes and long at the ears so that he had to keep brushing it away from his face. Sirius wondered if it was long enough to pull back, like his. He reached a hand out, but Remus turned before he could run his fingers through it and he let his arm flop to his side.
“Right then, let’s get checked out. I’d kill for a smoke.”
They paid the cashier and began the walk back to Grimmauld’s Place, one bag slung over his shoulder and Harry in the other while Remus carried the rest. Though he knew the werewolf didn’t want to admit it, Sirius could see the strain on Remus’s face as he limped, swinging his leg out in an odd way so as to try to relieve some of the burning pain in his hip. Sirius kept a slower pace so that the two walked side by side.
“Haven’t been outside in awhile,” Sirius said, itching to fill the awkward silence with anything other than Moony’s puffing breaths, “Well, not in the day, I mean. I think I was starting to forget what the sun looked like.”
A beat. Remus inhaled. “It’s lovely.”
Sirius smiled at his friend warmly, but he did not notice. Sirius diverted his attention to the crowd of tourists heading towards them. “It’s strange. The war’s been over for months, and yet I’m still scared to draw back the curtains… And after hearing about the Dursleys, I don’t think that will change.”
Remus pursed his lips. “I hadn’t either. I guess I needed the time alone, but… I’m afraid that the seclusion was swallowing me and I didn’t even notice.”
Tourists weaved in between them, offering kind pardons that he promptly ignored, too focused on his- on Moony.
“Well,” he prompted, “You were hurting. Quite honestly I can’t-”
A hard blow connected with his shoulder and Sirius gasped. He dropped his shopping bag on the ground, baby food and diapers spilling out across the pavement. Sirius cursed under his breath and bent to pick up the mess while Harry giggled and clapped in his other arm, pointing at a figure behind him.
“Oi, mate, watch it…”
But Sirius’s voice trailed off when he found a young man with a lopsided grin and wire rimmed glasses staring at him.
James Potter stood wearing the same white button up and crisp brown trousers that Sirius had seen him wearing last, his dark hair ruffled and his brown eyes as bright as ever. A pit formed in his stomach like he had swallowed a rock. Sirius tried to rise but his legs were too stiff to stand, the hair on the back of his neck stood up straight.
“James,” he whispered, but his voice cracked and splintered, so quiet that there was no possible way his best friend could’ve heard. He tried again, a little louder this time, a yelp, a cry for help, “James?”
Prongs’s smile only grew in size and Sirius’s chest caved in on itself, swallowing him whole. The earth grew still, the world stopped revolving, and it was just him and his Prongs. He hadn’t realized how much he’d missed that stupid smile of his.
“Don’t go,” he whispered, but his pleas were no use.
James winked at him, then slipped into the crowd, placing his hand into a young redheaded woman’s, but before he could cry out Lily’s name a voice broke through the air, clear and crisp, “Padfoot? Padfoot? Sirius.”
Moony stood above him, his brows creased in a horrid state of worry. Sirius blinked as if he were coming out of a deep sleep, rubbed his eyes with the backs of his hands just to be sure, but James and Lily were already gone.
When he didn’t reply, Remus asked, “Sirius, are you alright? You look awfully pale, I didn’t even see you fall. Are you sick?”
Maybe he was. Maybe war and grief had finally taken him captive and he’d be shipped off to St. Mungo’s where he really belonged.
Sirius cleared his throat and let Remus help guide him to his feet. He lied shakily, “Yeah, just not feeling well. I’ll be fine. Let’s just um- Let’s get home.”
Remus didn’t move for a long moment, honey brown eyes shining with concern. He hadn’t removed his hand from his shoulder, Sirius realized suddenly, almost as if he had forgotten he was holding on.
Moony nodded vacantly, voice hushed, “Alright. Let’s go then.”
Remus let go and started forward. Sirius wrapped both arms around Harry, who continued to babble happily. A few moments passed before he remembered where he was and promptly followed after his friend, afraid that if he didn’t he might become another shadow among the dead.