Tuco Salamanca
The sun was shining bright and hot, people were smoking, horses neighing, caravans moving, and a pair of horses galloping. there were four men on each horse. Arthur Morgan, Chuck Norris, Ben Shapiro, and of course, You.
The four of you were galloping to where Tuco was conducting his business, the beauty salon.
"Why a beauty salon?" You ask.
"StrategicallySpeakingItsASmartDecisionItWouldBeLessLikelyForAnyoneToSuspectABeautySalon" Answers Ben, in his usual know-it-all tone.
Doesn't Sound Tuco like
You shrug.
Probably Hectors doing
You arrive at the salon and dismount your horses.
"I'll clear out the area so we can go," says Arthur.
"No!" You shout immediately, "They're innocent, and no one needs to die."
" I'm not killing any folk," says Arthur. "Why're you so worried bout' me? You need to have some faith."
"That's what Dutch said,"
Arther gave you the death stare. "I'm sorry, I didn't quite hear you. Could you repeat that?"
You look down, flustered.
"That's what I thought." He enters the salon, and you wait.
In less than a minute, the salon had been evacuated, and Arthur gestured to all of you to enter.
You enter, no bodies, thankfully. But the cash register is open. You sigh and make your way upstairs with the gang. Arthur kicks in the door and points his gun. Tuco was there, just sitting.
"Hands up, you maniacally!"
Tuco laughed.
"I said, hands u -" Arthur was cut off by a kick in the face.
The man who kicked him was covered in white, head to toe. He was in a martial arts pose, either Kung-fu or Karate or Taekwondo or some other Chinese/Japanese pose.
You had already seen martial artists before, but you'd think they had ideals in whatever martial arts they were in, like not working with psychopathic selling on drugs.
But this is the wild west. After all, anybody would do anything for the gold.
You suddenly feel a presence in your right, and you instantly raise your left arm.
Crack
Before you can process the pain, you are knocked out.
You awake in a space-like environment, on top of a rainbow pathway.
The rainbow deluxe map in Mario Kart…
You look around, glad to be in the middle. Had you been on the far left or right, you'd more than likely get pushed off.
To your right is Jerry from Tom and Jerry in an orange kart, and Vegeta in a blue and white one. To your left is Gru in a black kart and SpongeBob in a yellow and white kart.
Suddenly, a countdown began up in the air. You had 10 seconds.
"Hey rat, watch out for the ants!" Laughed Gru.
Jerry scowled.
The countdown ended, and the race started. You accelerate immediately, and so do the rest. You drifted left, behind SpongeBob. Vegeta was right on your tail.
You hit a mystery box and get a bomb. You throw it at Vegeta, but he swerves out of the way. The bomb lands right in the middle of Gru and Jerry's cart. Gru manages to swerve out of the way, but Jerry got blasted off.
Well, that's one less competition
Your car suddenly starts spinning. SpongeBob laughs at you with his iconic laugh.
He threw a banana at me!
You brake eight on the edge. Vegeta and Gru pass you, and you accelerate again.
SpongeBob is the first to finish the first lap, with Vegeta on his tail, Gru coming from the back, and you were the last. You were 4th. Last, it was hopeless.
But just then, Gru started losing control of the kart. "Oi aa oo what's going on?!"
Jerry comes out from under his kart, winks at him and jumps off. He mistakenly jumps right in front of your kart, sealing his fate. He gets completely annihilated and turns into blood and organs.
Gru's kart breaks down and rolls out the rainbow pathway. The second lap is finished with SpongeBob first again, and Vegeta is on his tail. You come last.
You pass by another mystery box. Vegeta throws another rocket at SpongeBob, but SpongeBob stretches his kart, and the shell passes between his legs. "I'll destroy you," screams Vegeta, "it's the only way he'll stand a chance!"
SpongeBob simply laughs and hurls a banana at him.
"Time to break the rules a bit," Vegeta puts his hands in a kamehama stance.
KAAAAAAA MEEEE"
The banana gets closer!
"HAAAAAA"
It's midway there!
"MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" The burst of light from Vegetas' hands completely evaporates the banana peel, and SpongeBob.
The recoil forces Vegeta back, which gives you time to near him. But he immediately accelerates and doesn't let you get farther than him. You rage, but nothing you can do. Except…
You blast him with a rocket, which he easily dodges. But he fell right into your trap. You had saved up two mystery boxes, and one of them was a shell. You throw the shell at him, but he miraculously dodges it last nanosecond. But nonetheless, you pass him. Vegeta boosts himself forward and gets near you.
He gets into blasting position again, "KAAAA-"
Bang
Good thing I had my gun on me
Vegetas kart swerved and crashed into the space beyond. You finish the final lap and emerge victorious.
You suddenly spawn in a wild west terrain.
I won?
Not quite. You're still in a kart.
Oh…
You look around and are surprised to see Ben Shapiro in the kart next to you.
"Ben?"
"CoincidentallySpeakingThisIsQuiteShocking"
"Where are we?"
"ItAppearsWeAreAboutToRaceEachOtherInAMarioKartStyleGameAndTheLoserIsLogicallySpeakingLikelyToDie"
"What? No, I can't kill you!" You plead. "No, that can't be it. We won't race to the death. That's wrong."
"YouAreDenyingFacts"
"No, this is terrible! This would cause unrecoverable emotional damage!"
"Facts" said Ben in his kosher voice, "DontCareAboutFeelings"
The sound of gunfire, a hole in Ben's head, he falls limp. Tuco throws him out of the Kart and gets in.
"It's me and you, ese. Hahahaha!" He grins like a maniac.
You can not believe this. Ben, Ben Shaprio, THE Ben Shapiro is dead…
The countdown begins. You feel like crying, but no! You clench your heart and seek naught tears, but rage. you will defeat Tuco, and you will avenge Ben.
"It's a pretty useful ability, but i'm forced to make it winnable. If i had the choice, i'd make it impossible for you." Says Tuco.
"Your ability? What do you mean?" You ask.
"How do you think I got your soul here into another world?"
Before you can ask any more, the countdown ends, and you begin. You race with Tuco in the sandy terrains. You are right next to him, both of you in the same spot.
Chuck and Arthur didn't know how to drive. You wonder what happened to them. Are they dead, too? No time for such thoughts, you push them away and continue the race.
You smash a mystery box and get a shell. It orbits around you. Tuco got a bomb, but no matter. You swerve right, and he drifts backward. He throws the bomb at you, but you swerve left. The train is coming, you push all the way and manage to pass the tracks. You finish the first lap.
This is easy. You hit another mystery box, and you get a banana. You are thinking of where to put it, but it slips out of your hands and falls next to the train tracks.
A train passes by, causing you to stop abruptly. You hear Tuco cackle behind you. He's getting closed! The train moves, but Tuco passes first, avoiding the banana. "Nice trap, ese!" He laughs again.
Since he was already at full speed and you had to accelerate since you had stopped, he got a good gap between you and him. He finishes the second lap before you, and you hurry to catch up with him.
He smashes into a mystery box and gets a rocket. He throws it at you, it's locked unto you. You hit a mystery box and get a banana peel. You throw it at the rocket, causing it to slip and explode midair.
The train is coming, Tuco is about to pass it and you will have to stop. It's over.
But it isn't, for Tuco slipped on your banana peel and gets hit by the train. Gore splatters all around, and you halt to a stop as the train passes. His amputated hand filled beside you, a single bolt from the kart falls in your kart. You take it.
A souvenir
The train passes, and you finish the final lap.
You jerk to a wake, you see unconscious bodies all around you. 8 martial arts lying on the floor, Chuck sitting on a chair next to Arthur.
"That was the worst race in my life!" Said Arthur.
"How did you survive?" You ask. You were sure he'd lose the race.
"Chuck had us both get top place. That's how we survived, and then we had to beat up these guys. When's the weirdo getting up?"
You look at Ben, you sigh, you take his hat and put it on his face.
"Oh," said Arthur, "sorry for your loss." He gets up, loots his body, then opens the door. "Let's go then."
Low honor Arthur really was an apathetic douche. Well, not a douche, but still.
You leave and mount your horses.
"Aren't you guys wondering where those master martial artists came from?" Asks Chuck.
"Probably hired, everybody's an Outlaw here." You say. "Apparently, even master martial artists."
Chuck simply states into nothingness.
"Alright," said Arthur, "time to skiddadle."
The Salamanca Twins are crossed off, Lalo is crossed off, and now Tuco is as well. All that's left is Hector and Don Eladio.
Tuco mentioned he transported them with his ability. What ability? Does every isekaied person have it? Well, you'll just have to find out.