The accident

Sirius looked around for a moment searching for Remus. Then he heard a bit of slamming and noice from the kitchen and assumed Remus was making dinner. Sirius felt happy but tired after a long day of work. He knew Remus felt a bit bitter about being cooped up all day but he seamed happier of late, doing some research for the order. Sirius had no idea what research he was doing since of course it was “classified information”. He sat down in the comfy couch and looked down on the coffee table. He saw a letter there in Remus handwriting and curious he picked it up to read.

“Hi, Grant. How could you think that about St Edmunds? I really am sorry about that kid, but I am not sure you remember St Eddys all that well if you think we underestimated the place. Yeah, we got two meals a day, but do you remember the rest? Our small rooms with locked doors and boarded windows? The kids ready to beat you at every corner? Matron with her cane, ready to beat you at moment’s notice? Don’t you remember all the times I had to patch you up after her disciplining? No, I think we are well shot of that place and that old hag.
/Remus

Sirius felt alarmed and furious by the letter. Why hadn’t Remus told him? Sirius thought he had broken all the walls but here was proof that there was still more secrets. Why wouldn’t Remus tell him about the beatings when he knew what Sirius was going through?! Remus had made the place seem mostly like a noisy place were no one cared.

Remus enterd the room carrying to plates of hot food and a stormy expression. “Whats this?” Sirius asked furiously though anyone could see it was a letter. Remus seamed a little shocked and taken a back by Sirius fury. “It’s a letter” he said curtly. “Why didn’t you tell me?!” Sirius demanded. The other boys face only showed confusion now. “Tell you what?” he asked, and Sirius could tell he was genuinely surprised. Sirius waved the letter leaving Remus only more confused. “Why didn’t you tell me about the beatings, all of it?!” He demanded feeling hot with fury and even more annoyed by Remus confusion. Now his confusion was beginning to mix with embarrassment and fury. “It is entirely normal and not a big deal, so why would I tell you?” Remus asked his jaw clenching. Sirius did not want pity but still couldn’t believe Remus when he said that there shared experience was “not a big deal” and “entirely normal”. Before Sirius could stop himself, he was raging. “So what my family did was not a big deal? It was just normal?! Sirius demanded. “No, that is hardly the same thing. Being cut and tortured is not the same as getting beaten! I didn’t even get that many permanent scars and I am perfectly adept in healing and I am used to a lot more pain than a few hits with a stick” Remus spat his eyes like glowing embers of rage. “It is the same! I thought you had gotten over your stupid martyr complex. You don’t deserve pain for gods sake and why wont you trust me?” Sirius asked his voice betraying him slightly at the end. “I do not have a martyr complex and I do trust you. I just don’t like to dwell on every small detail.” Remus said making Sirius stomach twist with rage. “Oh, right because your life is so terrible. Pain isn’t some kind of race you can bloody win! We all have our stuff” Sirius actually stamped his foot in frustration. “I never said it was a fucking contest!” Remus said and something in him seamed to break. Static power was buzzing in the air. Remus eyes glowing and his entire body vibrating with anger.

And suddenly Sirius felt something shift, and he was inside Remus mind. He could no longer feel his body.

He knew he was Sirius but he could hear Remus voice talking but it was different, softer and childlike. Don’t leave me here, mom don’t go the voice cried and Sirius knew instinctively that it was Remus thoughts. He could feel Remus body and see all the things he saw. All smells, sights and sounds were so intense it was like having a constant headache. Remus sat in a small ball in the middle of a small cage. He could feel Remus shiver and feel his nausea and dizziness from the silver bars so close to him. Remus watched his mother handle some paperwork with a severe harsh woman. For the first time Remus spoke out loud. “Mom don’t go” he cried his voice breaking and Sirius could feel the tears running down his face. But it was too late, his mother had cast one last tear eyed glance towards his son and left. Remus began to cry in earnest Sirius could feel Remus pangs of panic, worry, and could feel the painful burning of his blood but as from afar so Sirius could feel and know exactly how Remus felt but not have it affect his own body wherever it was. Not again, no no no the voice cried again and Sirius felt Remus bones break. He could feel his heart beating in his throat. He could feel the blood shifting in his veins. Sirius could feel everything, and it was 100 times worse than Sirius could have imagined. It hurts it hurts the voice said. He felt Remus bones break and twist and then lastly, he felt something gnawing on Remus mind, taking control. The wolf cub Remus was not sad but furious. He was lonely, hungry, and fueled by murderous rage. The cub wanted to run, to hunt, to eat. He could smell the blood running through the tasty humans veins and hear there hearts beat. The cub ran into the silver bars and felt his veins catch on fire. He howled and scratched and bit every area he could reach, including himself.

Sirius saw every memory, heard every thought, and felt everything. Remus mind was a horrifying thing Sirius thought. He had always thought his mind was rough but it was nothing compared to Remus mind. It was like a personalised hell for Remus. Even when small Remus always felt a gnawing rage tugging at his heart. His thoughts were quick and he had several voices talking at the same time but Sirius knew by instinct what they were saying. He was always thinking something bad about himself and now Sirius could not blame him.

His childhood was filled with that evil matron beating him. Bullies waiting to throw a punch and he was always ready to fight right back. All his teachers called him stupid and insulted him every chance they got. Remus was constantly starving, and no amount of food seamed to ease his hunger. You are a monster a voice would whisper over and over again. Every time someone would punch him he would hear Remus think I deserve this. Sirius was horrified by the birthday tradition of punching the birthday boy.

When Remus arrived at Hogwarts Sirius was shocked to discover his opinions on them all. Remus seamed inclined to mistrust everyone reading every sign of kindness as a trick. His instinct was to hide and to trust no one. Remus began liking them all better and better though he thought it best not to trust them. Sirius knew by now that life at Hogwarts had been different for his friend, being a half blood, but he had not imagined how different. Everywhere Remus went someone would insult him and Snape even went so far as to attack him but Remus did not even flinch. As the time went by his transformations got worse but he never complained to anyone. Remus seamed to try to lock all his unwanted feelings in a box and throw away the key but the rage was still there though he tried to hide it behind a mask of calm. Don’t think about it, don’t talk about it, don’t cry, and never ever whinge the voice repeated like a mantra remembering matrons clipped voice as she said “boys don’t cry, stop whinging or I will give you something to cry about” when he was six years old and had scratched his hands raw as a werewolf after having had to pick rosehip seeds without gloves.

When Remus was about to bleed to death and all his thoughts of dying came Sirius whished, he could be back in his own body not wanting to hear any more but he heard and saw. But what scared Sirius the most about Remus mind was not the rage or even the way he thought that Sirius looked down on him. It was the way he thought of himself as stupid, ugly, mad, dangerous, unlovable, weird, and worst of all a monster deserving of pain.

As the years went by and his injuries got worse he seemed more inclined then ever to think poorly of himself. The transformations which only got worse was even more horrible than the cruciatus curse Sirius thought. Every bad thing that happened he blamed on himself and when he started fancying Sirius his self-hatred grew even more.

Sirius did not want to hear the voice telling him to jump every time he was far up. Sirius did not want to hear how he overanalyzed every single detail. He felt guilty for being there even if moony had put him there and he couldn’t leave. How was this any different from what his mother did to him? When they came to the prank Sirius wished with all his heart he could escape. He had previously known that he had broken Remus trust but he had never imagined how much. Remus was now determined that everything was his fault after his birthday and that he could not trust anyone ever again. He felt stupid for trusting at all.

The years went and though Sirius had known what Remus was like when he was in a mood it was worse than expected. Remus mind seamed filled with a constant darkness he tried so hard to hide only for him to go for to long pretending and then something would happen, and he would snap. What they saw of him when he was in a mood was how he always felt but tried to pretend away. His solution to all his problems were to ignore them. Sirius had previously judged him for it but he now realized that if he did Remus would break. He had to many skeltons in the closet. It would be to much to bare and he was already trying so hard to hold himself togheter.

He felt even more horrified when he felt Remus connection to the werewolves. When Remus got kidnapped and locked in the cellar Sirius thought he was going to die just from hearing Remus thoughts. Every memory he had been repressing for years was forced upon him and he was plagued with horrible visions.

Many things in Remus mind had shocked Sirius like the intensity of his self-hatred for one but all of his hidden werewolf abilities amazed him. Sirius discovered so much that Remus had never told him for better and for worse. He realized now that Remus instinct to keep to himself, to trust no one was about as strong as Sirius instinct to run from libraries. All of Snapes attacks with silver was quite a nasty surprise for one but Sirius now knew exactly why Remus did what he did in every moment. The only thing Sirius was actually pleased to witness was Remus later feelings for Sirius.

He felt immensely relived though when he had gotten all the way to a moment ago when they were arguing.

He was forcefully thrust into his own body and started shaking. He felt nauseas and though it had felt like a long time not 19 years perhaps but still a long time he was shocked to discover that only a few seconds seamed to have past. Sirius body felt weird as though he had gotten used to not having one. He raised his head and saw Remus staring at him in wide eyed horror. Despite everything Sirius love for the boy in front of him only seamed stronger even after everything he saw and heard. Remus eyes were full of panic and terror. Sirius realized he had not meant to do it but now he knew what he had done. He began shaking and hyperventilating. “fuck” he repeated over and over his voice shaky and weak. After having been inside Remus mind Sirius knew how he was feeling. Remus was backing away his legs shaking and he fell against the wall and slumped to the floor. Sirius walked towards him, his own body still feeling strange. He sat beside him and patted his arm. “Its ok” Sirius said gently trying to reassure him. “It’s not, fuck I did not mean to do that” he said still shaking and sounding as though he couldn’t breathe. “Listen to me Moony” Sirius demanded and gently cupped his face looking up into Moonys eyes. “You cant scare me off, not ever. You are not a monster and I love you, you prat” he said smiling despite himself. “Wait you saw everything not just bits and pieces but everything” he asked seemingly ignoring the statement and there was a hint of desperation in his eyes but he had at least started breathing more evenly. Sirius pondered his options, he could lie to spare Moony’s feelings but after having been in Moony’s mind he knew that he could smell feelings, intentions and was a very good lie detector. ”Uhm yeah” he mumbled awkwardly. Remus groaned. “Even all my thoughts?” he sounded close to crying now. Sirius just nodded still a bit shaken from hearing them.” I really am sorry” Remus mumbled voice thick with remorse. Sirius was utterly bewildered. He had just been inside the boys head but he still had no idea what he was talking about. “What for?” he asked when the other boy didn’t elaborate. “Everything” he said quietly breaking eye contact. “All my thoughts, you having to hear them and that I didn’t tell you”. He continued to look down, embarrassed and guilty. “Don’t be, I understand you better now and that was some bloody good magic” he said with a smile. That earned a grudging shaky chuckle. “I love you” Remus said meeting his gaze. Sirius felt like he could drown in those big brown eyes flecked with gold. “I know, I love you too” he said and kissed him wanting to tell him everything he could not put into words.