He couldn’t. He couldn’t. He couldn’t.
He couldn’t be too obvious. Couldn’t say anything about it. Could never do anything about it. Never. It was going to drive him insane.
“Sirius Black.” His mother had hissed. “You will not fight us on this.”
Why had he done what they’d wanted? His new situation was turning out to be far more torturous than any pain they could have given him. Pain was temporary. This was forever.
“Please.” He’d begged, so childishly. “No one will find out. Please, I promise, I don’t need to-”
His mother had slapped him. “Stop groveling. We are being generous with you. All you have to do is make your promise official.” She’d sneered.
Official. Magically binding. Deadly. Permanent. Far too permanent. Sirius could still see the marks on his wrist if he looked closely enough.
As much as Sirius hated himself for making the vow, it was nothing compared to his shame that he’d ever let his parents find out at all. His father had looked through his mind. He should have been prepared; it happened often enough, but given that he was a naturally emotional and scattered person, occlumency was not one of Sirius’ talents. He’d tried, he really had, but the new thoughts had been too constant in his head, the new emotions too intense to keep hidden behind mental walls. Now all of those thoughts would have to remain private until the end of his life, or his mother’s. Reason number three to hate himself; he hadn’t killed her yet.
“I won’t tell anyone. I won’t show anyone. I won’t do anything to purposefully make anyone think…”
“To think what?” His father’s stern prompting.
Thinking about the rest of the vow made Sirius feel sick. His parents hadn’t let him put it kindly. The results would have been the same no matter the wording though. No one could know. He couldn’t do anything about it.
The tiny allowances that he gave himself, only when he was certain it wouldn’t kill him, only ended up making it more painful, but he couldn’t help it: the shortest of glances at a Ravenclaw with pretty hair, a bit of aesthetic appreciation that could easily be excused by interest in the game while watching quidditch, an above average amount of affection for all his friends just so his affection for one of them could go unnoticed.
—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One of the hardest parts was lying to his friends. He wasn’t sure if he’d have told them immediately, if his mother hadn’t demanded his silence, but he wouldn’t have lied and he certainly would have let them know eventually. It wasn’t an entirely acceptable topic, but they were his friends, and such wonderful friends, and if they weren’t stupid enough to be prejudiced against muggle borns or werewolves, he figured they wouldn’t be stupid enough to have a problem with him. But none of that mattered. His parents were idiotic, and they’d forced him into their shame.
There was a lot of lying. His friends had apparently began forming interests as well, and it was a popular topic of conversation among them (and apparently everyone in the whole fucking castle.) He went along with it as well as he could.
“Lily” was always James’ response when asked about his romantic inclinations, but even he got flustered by some of McKinnon’s short skirts, or Jenkin’s jeweled neckline, and had a bit of fun when he could. Sirius used him as an example most often, staring when he stared and enthusiastically agreeing when he mentioned finding someone attractive. Sirius knew he couldn’t mimic James’ flustered attraction very convincingly, but he made up for it with a nearly unreasonable amount of flirting. He knew he was naturally good with people, and he used it to his advantage. His parents’ advantage.
Peter was charming and sweet enough when he needed to be, but he was more vulgar than Sirius could comfortably mimic. More than anything, it just felt too rude to the girls, and Sirius didn’t understand why it was necessary.
Remus was quieter with his interests, but it was still obvious enough when he had one. He would stare at some Hufflepuff and forget to eat his breakfast, ask some pretty Ravenclaw for her help with DADA essays even though he was the best in their year, lose precious sleep talking to a fellow Gryffindor in the common room until the middle of the night. Sirius liked Remus’ way of showing attraction even less than Peter’s vulgarity. It was infuriating. It was painful. It was so clearly not directed at him.
Proving he was interested in girls wasn’t really the hard part, as it turned out. Luckily, it kept most people from even considering that he might want something different, but he still had to keep his real wanting to himself. He told no one how his stomach clenched when Thomas Belby offered him a pencil (he might not have shared that anyway, embarrassing as it was), or how he could easily imagine Jane Jenkin’s jewels and shadowy makeup on her brother instead. It made him feel obnoxiously left out, and no one would ever know that either.
As they got older, talking about doing thingswith girls turned into actually doing them, and Sirius’ lies had to get more advanced. He felt terrible, both because his friends deserved the truth and because he deserved the same freedom to enjoy himself as they did. He was being left behind in life experience.
“Lizzy Cole snogged me behind the greenhouses after Herbology.” James said one afternoon, more simply delighted than truly bragging.
“Nice one, mate. Cozy back there, isn’t it?” Sirius replied with a wink. He’d never been behind the greenhouses. Hell, he hardly even went to Herbology.
“Montague let me put my hand up her shirt.” Peter boasted one night, as they all sat on their dorm floor giggling together. Sirius was finding it difficult to sound truly amused.
Still, he did his best. “Awwww, welcome to the wonderful world of adulthood, Petey. I’m glad you’ve finally joined us.”
Sirius had, in fact, tried with girls a couple times. He’d felt awful using them that way, and it had been immensely clear after two attempts that he wouldn’t be fooling anyone. He’d stopped after that, worried that if there were enough of them to talk about it, the girls would realize the problem hadn’t just been his attraction to them as individuals.
He kept up the image anyway. He flirted as much as ever, purposefully went to bed late a few nights a month without any explanation of where he’d been besides smirks and vague suggestions, and went on his fair share of Hogsmeade dates. People thought of him as salacious, thought he didn’t want to restrict himself to any one girl.
Really, he loved the idea of having someone. Sure, he longed to be able to kiss people, and touch them, and flirt meaninglessly with people he actually found attractive. He ached for it. But more than anything, he wanted to be with someone in a way that was more than just fun. He wanted his own person, especially as his peers started dating for longer stretches of time and James’ focus narrowed more and more onto Lily.
—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sirius found his focus narrowing dangerously as well. Remus Lupin was incredibly and unfairly wonderful. Sirius had felt something for him before he was even old enough to really know what it meant. He was one of the people he’d been thinking of, often, when his father had seen his thoughts. Sirius’ fascination hadn’t lessened over time.
He was beautiful, with his soft hair, gangly limbs, and silvery scars. He was sweet. He was funny and brave and moral. He was a good person, truly rare in their current societal climate. Sirius had to keep himself from gaping, from touching, from collapsing if Remus so much as smiled at him. He couldn’t, he couldn’t, he couldn’t. But Remus was around constantly (as were James and Peter of course but they hardly counted), and Sirius was losing his mind. How was he still alive? How did no one know yet? It would kill him somehow, Sirius was sure, whether he broke the vow or simply stopped breathing one day because Remus was sitting too close at dinner. It was bad, and it only got worse. Remus made it worse.
—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It was another night together in their dormitory, just the four of them. They were drinking and asking each other increasingly invasive questions. It was a game, apparently, but Sirius wasn’t feeling very competitive, mostly because he’d technically lost ages ago. Lies were supposed to be prohibited. He was also clearly less drunk than his friends, but they were too content and hazy in their own inebriation to notice.
“What’s your darkest fear?” Remus asked gloomily, pointing at Peter.
Peter considered a few moments, sipping from his cup. “That no one will care when I die.” He finally said, shrugging. The alcohol was making them rather honest.
James leaned over to pat Peter and reassure him they’d give him a grand funeral.
Sirius huddled deeper into his blanket. If any of them was going to die alone and uncared for, it was certainly going to be him. Perhaps he was a bit drunk.
“Your turn, Pete.” Remus reminded.
“Alright. James, why’d you go home last weekend?”
“My dad was sick.” James murmured. They sat silently for a few awkward moments, that confession feeling somehow far more serious than Peter’s fear, at least to Sirius. He loved James’ parents.
James was the one to shake it off, sitting up straighter with a mischievous grin at Remus. Remus groaned and hid his face behind his hands, rightfully wary of a plotting James.
“Remus?” James asked, mocking seriousness.
Remus peaked between his fingers. “Yes?” He was so fucking adorable.
“Ever kiss a boy?”
Sirius’ entire body tensed. Bad topic. Not okay. He dug his fingernails into his hands under the blanket. Why did James want to know? And somewhere a little deeper in his brain, where the panic hadn’t overtaken yet, had Remus kissed boys?
Remus didn’t seem overly concerned. He let his hands drop from his face, rolling his eyes but smiling. “Not fair, James,” he complained. “You know I have.”
Well, if that wasn’t a horribly pleasant revelation. Sirius’ stomach squirmed. “You have?” he murmured, knowing that he sounded nervous and ridiculous.
Remus shrugged. “Few times, yeah. James, sneaky bastard, saw me snogging O’Donovan in the library.” James giggled at that. Remus swatted at him lazily before turning his gaze back to Sirius. “Why?” He continued, somewhere between joking and a tad confrontational. Drunk Remus was confident, and it made Sirius shiver. “Have you?”
Fucking Hell, this was not going well. “No!” He said. His heart was going too fast. He was too hot. He could feel the magic burned into his wrist. “No. Merlin, of course not.”
Silence. Not a good silence. He’d fucked up. James was glaring at him; Peter looked gloomy.
Remus’ relaxed, cheerful attitude was gone. “Oh.” He said quietly. Then, “I think I’ll go to bed.” He pulled himself off the floor, swaying a bit on his feet. Sirius wanted to steady him.
“Remus, I didn’t mean-” But what didn’t he mean? How could he possibly explain his reaction without telling them or seeming prejudiced?
“No, of course you didn’t.” Remus muttered as he climbed into his bed and closed the curtains.
James dragged Sirius to his own bed, angrily pulling the curtains around them and attempting a silencing charm. It took him three tries. “What the fuck was that?” He finally hissed.
Sirius hugged one of the pillows. He couldn’t keep his hands from shaking. “You’re the one that brought it up.” He grumbled. It was never supposed to come up. What the fuck was he supposed to do now? He couldn’t keep hurting Remus. No one deserved it less. On the other hand, he, selfishly, hated the idea of dying. And he was shamefully afraid of his mother.
“I brought it up because he wanted me to!” James snapped. “He’s been desperate to tell you, but you know how nervous he gets.”
Remus did get nervous. So nervous. And Sirius had just given him a reason to be. He was an awful, awful person.
“Okay.” Sirius muttered.
“Okay?!”
Sirius nodded. “I’ll make it better.” He had to. He’d figure it out. His parents had taken so much from him; he wouldn’t let them hurt his friends too.
James scoffed, but he didn’t press the issue any further. He shoved Sirius off the bed and was colder than normal to him for a few weeks. It was deserved.
Sirius dreamed of Remus that night. Of being screamed at. Of being close. Of dying.
—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“I didn’t mean anything by it. I swear; I was just surprised.”
Remus didn’t look up from writing his essay. “It’s fine, Sirius.”
“You don’t have to say that.”
“Yes, I do. If I stayed angry at everyone that said something a bit rude, I’d always be angry.”
Sirius bit his nails to keep from reaching out to comfort his friend. He had to be careful how much he allowed himself. “I’m so sorry.” He said instead. He truly, truly was.
“I know you are. I’m sorry too, that I’m so much to deal with. Full moons and boys and all that,” Remus laughed.
“Hey, no. Remus, you’re not something to deal with. You’re perfect.”
Remus rolled his eyes, but Sirius wouldn’t let him just shrug that off. “Perfect.” He insisted.
Remus’ small smile was so gentle, yet so obviously delighted. It was so fucking beautiful, Sirius couldn’t quite look away. Breathing was difficult. His wrist burned. Everything burned.
Remus glanced up from his writing. “Did you need anything else?”
I need to kill my damn mother, Sirius thought. Knowing that Remus liked boys, knowing that there would be even the slightest chance for Sirius, made it so much harder to not want. But he shook his head instead. “No, I just wanted to apologize. I’ll leave you to it.”
—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sirius wasn’t exactly sure how long he’d been crying. He hated crying really, but sometimes it was the only way to deal with too many emotions. He’d blame it on the alcohol in the morning.
Nearly everyone was drunk. Quidditch parties were good. Well, usually they were good; Sirius wasn’t having a particularly good time. James was making progress with Lily, that had been clearer than ever, and Sirius was so happy for him. Really, he wanted his friends to be happy more than anything else, but a small, dark part of him was bitterly jealous. He could never have that. Never. So, he’d been in a bit of a bad mood and let himself get drunker than he probably should have. He’d joined the chaotic dancing with a few different girls, mostly because he didn’t have an excuse for refusing, and still felt the nagging guilt for leading them on. Then Remus, lovely fucking Remus, who was also rather drunk and had been grinning beautifully at Sirius half the night, unaware of how very painful it made things, had been snogged senseless by some girl Sirius didn’t recognize, and that had been it. It was the straw that broke Sirius’ ridiculously exhausted back, and now he was sobbing pathetically in one of the corridors.
Footsteps. Sirius wiped hurriedly at his eyes, trying to calm his breathing. “Sirius?” It was Lily.
“Hi, Evans. Alright?”
“Yeah, just looking for you.” She said, sitting beside him on the floor. “James wanted to go, but he couldn’t even make it to the portrait hole, so here I am.”
“You didn’t need to, I’m fine. It just got a bit crowded in there.”
“You look fine.” Lily said sarcastically
“I can’t tell you what’s wrong, Lily. Please don’t ask.” He was too drunk to be having any sort of conversation about this.
“That’s alright, love. Do you need anything?”
She was a good person. James was lucky. “No, I’m alright, but I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t tell anyone about this. They’ll just worry and nag, and there's really nothing to worry about.”
Lily nodded. “I won’t tell. You’re sure that you’ll be okay?”
“Of course.” More lies. It didn’t feel as if things would be okay for him any time soon, but burdening Lily with that wouldn’t make it any better. It would only invite more questions.
She put a sympathetic hand on his shoulder. “If you ever need anything or want to talk about it…”
Sirius smiled at her. “Thanks Lily.”
She helped him glamour his face so the tear stains weren’t visible, and they went back to the common room. She gave his shoulder one last small squeeze and went to make sure James wasn’t dangerously stupid, and Sirius went up the stairs to bed.
He expected their dorm to be empty, and hoped it was so he could simply wash his face and be alone with his thoughts, but Remus was already lying on his own bed, not asleep but clearly getting there. Sirius tried not to dwell on sickening images of him and the mystery girl.
“Hey there. How’re you feeling?” He asked instead, just a little tauntingly. He could only laugh so much at his friend’s drunkenness without being hypocritical. The stairs had been a bit of a struggle.
“Sleepy.” Remus mumbled into his pillow.
“Go to sleep then. Do you want water?”
“Please.”
Sirius laughed and filled the first cup he found. It probably wasn’t clean, but when were they ever? Remus sat up just enough to take and drink it.
“Thanks” he murmured, lying back down and curling up. Just so very… sweet. Sirius needed to go to sleep before he started crying again.
He washed his face, always a relief after crying, and settled into his own bed, flicking out the lights. He was just getting into the fuzziness of near sleep when he heard Remus mumble something.
“Hmm?” Sirius asked, turning towards the other bed.
Remus opened his eyes the slightest bit. “I didn’t want to kiss her.”
“Who?”
“That girl that snogged me. She never told me her name. I didn’t really want to snog her.”
Sirius didn’t know what to think of that. It was a small relief, though he knew it shouldn’t matter. “Do we need to put something in her juice in the morning? Maybe turn her hair white or give her a few boils?” He asked. People shouldn’t be touching Remus if he didn’t want them to.
“No.” Remus giggled. “No, it’s okay. I didn’t mind so much. I just… I wanted you to know I didn’t want to.”
“Thanks for telling me. Go to sleep, we’ll all feel better in the morning when we can get some of McKinnon’s potions.”
Remus mumbled nonsense, seemingly in agreement. He fell asleep quickly, if his even breathing a few minutes later was any indication. It took Sirius a few more hours, the misery refusing to be banished quite as easily as usual. It was getting worse.
—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sirius knew how vain it sounded. He hoped he was wrong; well deep down he hoped very much that he was right, but life would be better if he was wrong. It was ridiculously arrogant to think about it, but it was also nearly certainly true. What was he supposed to do, not notice?
He’d always been able to tell when Remus was interested in someone. Recently, Remus had been more open with his attraction to males even. He’d admitted to Sirius that trying to hide two important parts of himself was far more exhausting than dealing with a few jibes here and there. So, regardless of gender, Sirius almost always knew if Remus was keen on someone. The problem was, all the usual signs had recently been pointing to Remus being interested in him. At first he’d assumed it was wishful thinking on his part, as besotted as he’d been with Remus for years. It was becoming undeniable though. He was pretty sure Remus wanted him to know, or had simply stopped caring if he did, and he had no idea what to do about that. On one hand even the very thought of Remus having the slightest interest in him made his stomach erupt in excited somersaults and made him want to kick things purely out of joy. On the other hand, it was sure to end in disaster and so terribly unfair for Remus, who deserved so much better.
“Remus, please go have fun.” Sirius pleaded.
“I’m not going if you can’t. Marauders stick together.”
“James and Peter are leaving me.”
“Well then James and Peter are shit friends.”
Sirius snorted, but he knew it wasn’t true. James and Peter would rather be in Hogsmeade with their respective girlfriends, and that was reasonable. But Remus… well it seemed as if helping Sirius scrub trophies for detention was good enough for him. It wasn’t, really. Nothing Sirius could ever do would be good enough. This was it, all either of them could ever have, and he couldn’t even give Remus the real reason why.
“Fine, if you want to be a martyr I won’t stop you.” He joked.
Remus beamed, and it made Sirius want to be sick.
Remus sat closer to him. He smiled at him more, and he blushed more. His dalliances with other people all but stopped, as far as Sirius knew. James must have known, for the amount they whispered together when they thought Sirius wasn’t watching. Sirius did his absolute best to not encourage it at all, as desperately difficult as that was for him. It would be so, so easy if he hadn’t made that fucking vow. He thought about it daily, how simply he could just tell Remus his affections were more than returned. But, as always, he couldn’t. He fucking couldn’t. So he did his best to discourage Remus, knowing he’d never forgive himself if he led him on.
He didn’t deserve to forgive himself anyway. The longer it went on, the more obvious it was that Remus was hurting anyway. His quiet conversations with James were clearly strained. He seemed…tired. Sirius understood the feeling, life and unachievable desire simply sapping all the energy from your body.
One night when Sirius had come back to the dorm late, part of keeping up necessary appearances, he’d heard quiet sniffling begin from the bed beside his. It had taken all of his self control to not go comfort him. To Hell with life, at least he’d be able to explain himself before he died. He’d be able to tell Remus how deserving he was of love, how wantable. How beautiful. But he wasn’t stupid enough to think his dying wouldn’t also hurt his friends, and Remus’ worst fear was being the reason for someone’s death. He couldn’t do that to him. He was stuck hurting people no matter what, hurting Remus no matter what, and it was torture.
James tried to intervene eventually, when he could no longer stand Remus’ misery alone.
“Mate.” He said bluntly, as he and Sirius were walking back from the quidditch pitch. “You know Remus is into you, don’t you?”
Sirius felt his chest tighten as it always did when the conversation turned to romance, a mixture of nerves, guilt, and pain. He nodded, keeping his eyes stubbornly on his feet.
“He’s really far gone. I’ve told him you’re not interested, but I don’t think he cares. I understand; I’m not sure I would have been able to move on for a very long time if Lily wasn’t interested.” James continued.
“What am I supposed to do then?”
“You’re not at all interested?”
Sirius scowled at him, his wrist throbbing. “I’m not into men, James.”
James sighed. “I know, I know. It would just be so much easier if you were. He really cares about you.”
Sirius dug his nails into his hand. He knew Remus cared about him, in a variety of ways, but hearing it from someone else…. Merlin he just wanted. Fuck his parents.
“Maybe if you had someone…” James suggested.
I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. It wouldn’t be fair to any girl. He could dance with them a bit, go on a date occasionally, but to actually commit to one, that would be too hurtful. He couldn’t be that kind of person, even to help Remus. “You know it’s hard for me to settle down. I’ll see what happens, but I’m not leading one on.” He told James.
“Just do your best. It’s not your fault Remus is fuzzy headed enough to see something in you. I just feel for him, you know?”
Sirius knew. He felt terribly for him. He also felt plenty of other things for him.
—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Time went on. They had fun. They took exams. Life continued. Sirius enjoyed life, he really did. Romantic love wasn’t everything, and he did his best to focus on his friends, and adventure, and quidditch. The vow continued to take its toll though, and it was obvious Remus continued to suffer as well, as much as James tried to find him someone else. Sirius didn’t know what he’d do if he ever succeeded, but he knew it would be for the best.
Sirius ran away from home. It had gotten to be too much. They hated him for so many reasons, they wanted him to do so many terrible things, and he couldn’t do it anymore. Living with James gave him some semblance of freedom, even if the nearly invisible marks on his wrist kept him from fully having what he wanted.
Not long after, they graduated school. James and Peter both moved into cozy, clean homes with their girlfriends, and Sirius felt more lost than ever. People laughed about his bachelor lifestyle, and about the dozens of girls he apparently slept with regularly. In reality, he was mostly just lonely. The Potters had told him he could stay with them as long as he needed but he felt too much in the way, especially with James gone and the old couple trying to spend their remaining time together as Mr. Potter got sicker. Living with Remus seemed like the expected route to take, but James had told him it was a terrible idea. He’d offered anyway, because how could he not? But Remus had a healthy enough dose of self preservation to refuse it seemed, even if Sirius didn’t.
“Sirius.” He’d said quietly, sadly. “You know I can’t.” They both knew why, and it broke Sirius’ heart. They never really acknowledged it between them, but they both knew. It kept Sirius up at night, knowing Remus was so open with his affection and all the while Sirius was lying to him.
So Remus lived in a terribly shady, mildewy flat that he refused to let anyone help pay for, and Sirius lived in a nicer, but equally lonely, dull flat paid for by his inheritance from his uncle. Life was still good. He still loved life too much to give in and break the vow. He saw friends often, he worked in a good shop, he went out regularly to drink. It was nice. But he’d never lived alone before and fuck was he lonely.
Then, he woke up one morning feeling ever so slightly different. He was hungover as Hell but besides that, something was off. It took him several minutes to figure out what had changed, and then he all but panicked. The feeling of trapped magic he’d had for so many years, the little amounts of pain and burning that he’d felt, was finally gone. He examined and prodded his own wrist for nearly fifteen minutes, searching for any sign of the vow mark that he’d always been able to see. It wasn’t there. Entirely on edge, not knowing whether to be terrified or beyond excited, he flooed to James and Lily’s.
“Sirius!” James said as soon as Sirius stumbled out of the fireplace. “You heard? How’re you feeling?” He wrapped Sirius in a hug.
Bewildered, Sirius shook him off. “Heard what?”
James gaped at him. He looked to Lily, who just shook her head. “Your…” James began before stopping himself. “Walburga. She died yesterday, Sirius. Something to do with a splinching accident… it’s all over the prophet. I’m so sorry.”
His mother was dead. Well, the worst of his mothers was dead. He much preferred Mrs. Potter. Still, it was a big thing wasn’t it? Yet, he couldn’t be sad. He hadn’t seen her in years. He hadn’t loved her since he was maybe seven years old. And this meant… this meant wonderful things. He was the luckiest person in the world really, that his mother had died before his father and not the other way around. He was lucky she’d been the one he’d had to vow with. He was tired of his life being so restricted. He was fucking free. Free!
He cackled loudly, unable to stop himself for several minutes. James looked very concerned, and Lily kept asking him if he was okay, but there would be plenty of time to explain to them. He had the rest of his life. He could do whatever he wanted for the rest of his life.
“Do you think Remus is home?” He asked, moving back into the fireplace. Every one of his nerves felt like it’d been electrified.
“What? Sirius, where are you going? Are you okay?”
“I’m wonderful, I promise. Fuck that old hag. I’ll be back in a bit to explain. Enjoy your morning.” Sirius rambled, grabbing floo powder and enunciating Remus’ address.
“Merlin!” Remus screeched. “Was not expecting you to come out of my fireplace just now. But shit, I saw the papers. Are you alright?”
Sirius ignored the questions. He couldn’t think. He could barely breathe. He stalked towards Remus, his eyes unable to leave his completely beautiful face. His cracked, absolutely delicious looking lips. Remus backed away, looking vaguely terrified, until he ran into his crumbling wall.
“Sirius?” He breathed, and Sirius had never heard anything more beautiful. He’d never been more utterly focused in his life.
“Can I kiss you?” He asked, as gently as he could manage. He didn’t want to pressure, but fuck had he waited a long time.
Remus' eyes were wide. Sirius was so close he could feel him shaking slightly. He backed up just a tiny step.
“Do you want to kiss me?” Sirius asked again. He still remembered the girl Remus hadn’t wanted to kiss.
Remus nodded slowly. His voice was hoarse when he replied. “You know I want to.”
So Sirius kissed him. Pressed him into the wall and snogged the fucking life out of him really, as best as he could for having no real experience. Remus didn’t seem to have any complaints. Sirius’ stomach rolled with a tiny million explosions. Remus just felt so fucking right, and soft, and lovely. Eventually Remus was the one to break away, breathing heavily and grinning like mad. His face was flushed, his lips wet, and Sirius' stomach clenched again just at the sight.
“So…” Remus murmured. “Why?” He was still running his thumb over Sirius’ cheek, and it was very distracting.
Remus deserved the truth. He’d deserved it for years. “When I was fourteen, my father used legilimency on me. Well, he did that a lot, but that time he saw some… rather homosexual thoughts. My parents didn’t approve. They didn’t want the shame of having their heir be unmarriable, so they made me promise no one could find out. She made me make a fucking unbreakable vow, Remus. I couldn’t… I couldn’t tell anyone. I couldn’t show anyone.” He paused to laugh for a second, entirely inappropriately, but holy fuck had showing Remus been fun. “I just went along with the rest of you really. I’ve never found a woman attractive, and I’ve snogged two in my whole life, maybe three. Never done anything else. I just… people couldn’t know. I would’ve died, Remus, if I told people. I might have died if I accidentally let them find out on their own. But you don’t know how badly I wanted to tell you. How fucking painful it was to see you unhappy. How long I’ve wanted you.” Sirius was so angry with his parents. They’d taken so much time from him, so many years he could have been doing exactly this. They’d hurt Remus.
Remus was staring. Sirius worried that perhaps he’d said too much. Maybe he was too messed up for Remus to want anymore. But Remus only wrapped his arms around him and pulled into a tight hug. “Oh love.” He murmured sadly. “That’s so awful of them. I can’t even imagine… I didn’t even manage to keep my deepest secret from you all through the first year. You’ve had to for so long.”
Sirius nodded, kissing Remus’ forehead. “Doesn’t matter now though. Walburga’s dead, and that ended the vow. I can… I mean we can be whatever we’d like, if you still want to.”
Remus scoffed. “Of course I want to. You’ve seen how much I want to.”
Sirius kissed him again. They didn’t need to rush. Time had been taken from them, but they had so much more. Still, Sirius was more than ready to get started. He could, so he did.