The plan
2019
The plan was to lock Sirius and Regulus in a classroom. James was 85% sure that Regulus would be going to the practice room again that night, so he and Remus had made sure he 'accidentally' left his notebook. Sirius had a notebook in which he wrote all his ideas for songs, it was his lifework, that's what he called it at least, it was small enough to forget, but not irrelevant enough for him to leave until the next day. He wouldn't even let any of the other marauders look through it, let alone someone random who'd find it.
James was sitting on his bed, looking through a magazine, as he waited for Sirius to come to their dorm.
James looked at the clock and guessed that Regulus would be in the music room right now. Sirius barged in with the perfect timing, if he'd noticed his book was gone before now, he would've missed Regulus completely. “James, have you seen my notebook?”
Perfect. “No, sorry. Maybe you left it at practice?”
“Oh yeah, you might be right. I'm going to get it really quick, ok?”
“Oh, yeah, sure.” James tried to act as unbothered as possible even though he was the worst actor in the school. Maybe the world even.
He eyed Remus, who was sitting on his own bed, after the door closed. They both got up silently, waiting for a minute before they left too.
They didn't have any problem avoiding Peter because he was still in the library playing chess with some older girl who seemed very sure she could beat him, everyone always underestimated Peter, but his strategies were unexpected and ruthless. He would strike when you least expected him to and win the game in a few minutes.
They turned the corner as soon as Sirius walked through the door. There was a broad, wooden cabinet next to the door. It wasn't very high; it barely reached his hips. And it wasn't very heavy either. They tested if they could lift it a few hours earlier, and it turned out to be very little trouble.
Both of them jumped away from the chest once they placed it in front of the door as the doorhandle rattled. they'd figured they wouldn't have much time, as the brothers avoided each other like the plague. They quickly ran back to the dorm, leaving Sirius and Regulus on their own. Well, not really, they had each other. Now it was time for them to talk.
26th September 2019
10:17 PM
Sirius
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Sirius: jamesss
Sirius: please come rescue me
Sirius: i think the door is locked somehow
James: lol
James: I think you've got to talk to him first
Sirius: you know about regulus being here
Sirius: fuck you did this
Sirius: im going to kill you when I get out of here
James: Whyyy :(
James: I thought we could just talk
James: I hope it'll be about how you and Regulus have made up
Sirius: lol
Sirius: no.
Sirius: i'll find a way out
James: me and Remus will come free you in a few hours
Sirius: of course remus is helping as well
James: mhm
James: see you in a few hours
Sirius: 😡
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It was about one and a half hour later, and James thought it was about time to let Sirius and Regulus out. But as he and Remus stood up to go to the room they locked them in, Sirius barged through the door.
“I'm never talking to you again.”
“Bit dramatic,” Remus sighed as he lowered himself back in the chair
“Bit dramatic.” Sirius repeated mockingly. “Bit dramatic my arse. You fucking locked me up for hours.”
Remus rolled his eyes, clearly not bothered. “How'd it go?”
Sirius sighed in defeat and sat in the remaining chair. “Okay, I guess. It's not like we fixed anything, but we talked, so it's something.”
James felt his eyes tearing up, he definitely got his emotional range from his father, always quick to cry. His mum almost never cries, she shows her emotions through other things, like hugs and cookies. “I'm proud of you Sirius.” He said as he stood up and pulled Sirius into a hug, which Sirius accepted thankfully,
“I'm still mad at you,” he mumbled into his shoulder, but James heard that was a lie.
They broke the hug and he saw Sirius was crying as well, Sirius always cried so quietly, that there was no way to know, except actively looking at him. It was something he never stopped doing after running away.
“Do you want to talk about what happened?”
“No?” Sirius tried to convey some confidence but failed miserably. “Okay yes, but I don't want to talk about it for hours, because my attention span is way too short for that. And I can't handle it emotionally.” He added as they both sat down on James's bed.
“Okay, anything is better than nothing. Just start at the beginning, and see for yourself what you want to say, and what you don't”
“Thank you, James” Sirius smiled at him, and took a deep breath. He wiped the tears from his cheek before he continued. “So, first it was a bit awkward. We were just avoiding each other, But then I got your text, and I didn't see much other options then to talk. He didn't really feel like doing that, and just started stating annoying things about me and anything really, dramatic git that he is,” Sirius sighed. “We kind of just started yelling at each other, and it was awful James.” He looked down at his hands, rotating his rings. Sirius always did that to calm himself. “I don't even know what really started it, but it turned into arguing instead of just yelling, and James I- I never understood” James could see him fighting his tears, but it was no use as they started rolling down his cheeks. “He told me how they were, what they became. They're monsters, James. They're monsters, and I left him there. I thought- they hated me, so I thought that he'd be okay when I left.”
“Just to be sure, the 'they' in question are your parents?” James checked.
Sirius looked back up, and James could see the pain in his eyes. “Yes,” He breathed. James, you don't understand, they got worse. I left. I'm a monster.”
He took Sirius's hands in his, “Sirius listen to me carefully, okay? You're right that I don't understand what they're like, not really, at least. But I do understand that you were a child. For fucks sake, you still are! You're not a monster for leaving. You needed to get out.”
“I should've helped him,” Sirius whispered.
“That wasn't your job, Sirius.”
“Then whose was it?” Sirius exclaimed. “Even if he could get out, they'd follow him until they had him back. When I left, they still had him, James, they won't let him go even if he tried.”
“If you hadn't left you'd both be stuck there.” he shifted slightly
“Exactly, we'd be together.”
James knew how much it bothered Sirius that Regulus was still in that house, and honestly, it bothered him too. But he also knew that if Sirius didn't run away they'd both be miserable. “You still are at school together. Talking to each other will probably help him too. It's the first step of making a plan to get him out of there.”
Sirius's eyes lit up at that statement. “We're going to get him out?” He whispered hopefully.
“Of course we are! We don't just leave people in abusive households without even attempting to rescue them.”
Sirius's smile disappeared as he very seriously said, “James.”
“Yes?” He replied, a bit scared of what would follow.
“I fucking love you!” Sirius grinned from ear to ear, as he wrapped his arms around him, crushing the air out of his lungs.
They held onto each other for another few minutes before they decided to go to bed, since it wouldn't be ideal if they would fall asleep in their classes the next day.
PRESENT
James put on his jacket and locked the door behind him. The sharp morning wind sent chills through him, so he zipped his jacket a little higher and put his hands in his pockets. It was 6 AM, he just couldn't sleep no matter how hard he tried. going for a walk often calmed him, either enough to go back to sleep or to get through the rest of the day.
He walked to the only store from which he knew to be open at 6AM. The gas station, and its store were open twenty-four hours a day. It must've been the most lifeless place James had ever seen, which was probably a good thing as he was avoiding life lately.
He squinted his eyes as they adapted to the way too bright lights of the store, locating the snacks. He spotted the Maltesers within a few seconds, grabbing two packages before moving on to grab a drink.
The lady at the register was not paying attention at all, still with her head in her magazine as he put his apple juice and Maltesers on the counter. She blinked a few times when she finally noticed him, he had waited patiently, no intention to hurry her, since he had all the time.
“Sorry, didn't notice you there.”
“No worries.”
“Wait, aren't you that James Potter? My little sister is obsessed with you and your band. She talks about you all the time, kind of annoying actually,” she kept on talking as she took her time to scan the three items. “Can I get your autograph, so I can give it to her?”
Great. So much for avoiding life. Still, he put on a smile, “Of course! Sounds like she'll have a great day!”
The register girl laughed, “My ears will get permanent damage, I'm sure. Always yelling 'padfoot' this ‘Jegulus’ that, she gave me an hour rant about shipping you and what's his face.” Her face went white as realisation hit, “I'm so sorry, I forgot-”
He really couldn't deal with this right now. “It's fine, could've happened to anyone.”
“Oh, I feel so bad. I should've remembered faster. You must miss him very much, don't you?”
Of course he does. Every hour of every day. “We all do.” Please let this be over, he thought.
“Were you two actually together, or were those really just rumours?” She asked.
“We were just really close, nothing more,” he was screaming internally, of course they were more. They were everything. That's why he has to keep quiet, no one can know. Especially Sirius.
“Oh, well you must've cared a lot about him either way. I'm so sorry you all have to go through this, it's not fair.” James saw the girl's eyes water slightly and felt a bit bad for her, it wasn't her fault, but he could see she felt extremely guilty for bringing it up.
“Look, don't worry about it, ok? I could've made a similar mistake, because I don't know what's going on in your life.”
“But I did know, that's the problem.”
“But you didn't, you forgot, and that’s okay. You're not required to know that, or anything else, about me. I'm just another human just like you, nothing more, nothing less.”
“You are famous though.”
“Pity, isn't it?”
“What? No! Isn't it amazing, to know that you'll always have people who love you? You have nothing to fear because everyone adores you anyways.”
“If only it were like that,” James sighed. “If it weren't for my friends, I would've probably felt more alone than ever. People like the person they think you are, but barely anyone really knows you. It feels more empty than anything else.”
“I never thought of it that way, sorry you have to go through all that.” the girl looked down at the few thigs she scanned a few moments ago, after which she shook her head lightly. “Sorry, I've held you from going for too long already. I can get carried away in a conversation, especially when I work at hours like this.”
“It's okay, I must say I wasn't really in the mood for a conversation at first, but it did make me feel better.”
“Sorry.”
“Are you apologizing for making me feel better?”
“No! No, I-”
James laughed; he'd almost forgotten that was something he could do. It felt strange, but good. “Relax, I was just joking.”
The girl visibly relaxed. “I won’t hold you up any longer, have a nice day.”
“Thank you, you too.”
He smiled when he walked out of the store, feeling like he could actually do something useful that day, for the first time in weeks, months maybe.
That feeling he thought had left, but that's the thing with feelings, they never leave.
Sometimes it feels like it would be better if that wasn't the case, because just like the good feelings, the bad ones stay.
In the end you need both.
Because without bad feelings, how would you identify the good ones?