Regulus
The darkness gave way to the sun peeking through the curtains, bathing his lover's body in a golden glow. He watched James sleep, needing his support. His strong arms kept Regulus safe from the rest of the world. James shifted, burrowing his head in Regulus’s hair.
“You smell lovely.” “James, I just smell like you.” “Oh. Well then I like you smelling like me.”
They stayed like this for a bit before James slowly got up, taking Regulus with him. He is still curled around James, but James is holding him.
“Reggie?” “Hmm.” “Will you go on a real date with me? I know it’s a dumb idea, but I really want to.” “It’s not a dumb idea, amor. And yes, I would love to.” “Good, because I already have it all planned out. Let’s get dressed, love.”
He put on some warm clothes and followed James out of the house. They stopped at James’s, picking up a bag. They eventually arrived in a small park, with fields of flowers.
“I got stuff for a picnic, and I brought your book, you left it at mine. I didn’t know what you would want so I got everything-” “It's perfect, amor. It’s amazing. How long have you been planning this?” “Ever since we started ‘dating’, I have wanted to do something for you. To be honest, I was going to blame it all on publicity.”
Regulus caught the hitch in James’s voice. He was… nervous. Regulus found it incredibly endearing. His face was flushed bright red. They set up the blanket and food, Regulus smiling at James when he handed him a container of strawberries.
“How’d you know?” “I had some help.”
They laid on the cloth, basking in each other's presence, talking about everything and nothing.
“James, what are we?” “What do you want us to be?” “Dating. For real this time.” “Then that's what we are.”
James went to pick flowers, and Regulus pulled out his book. James came back and Regulus settled into James, leaning against his shoulder. James braided the flowers together, making a small crown. His fingers moved lightly and carefully. Regulus had stopped reading a while ago, just watching James. His hands stopped, and James glanced down.
“You’ve been on page 108 for a while now, love. I believe it's been 20 minutes.” “Very interesting page, I’ll have you know. Needed to read it over a few times.” “Hmm, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were staring.” “What if I was?” “What if you were?”
Regulus turned his face into James' chest to laugh. They stayed like this for a moment, limbs carefully wrapped around each other before James stood slowly.
“It’s dark.” “Look at the stars.”
James looked up and gasped. Regulus told him about all the constellations, and how he and Sirius were named after them. He told him about the dippers, Orion, Gemini, and Taurus. A cloud blocked the stars, and the boys sat up. They cleared their things and started to walk to James’s. James held his hands behind his back, hiding what he was holding.
“James, what are you holding?” “I made you something. Here.”
He gently thrust his hands toward Regulus, and in them was a crown of daisies, threaded together in a tight braid. He placed it on his head, James’s eyes sparkled with joy. They got home, Regulus placing the crown on the nightstand. They fell asleep in each other's arms, curled together in a heap of limbs.
The next morning, they awoke to James’s phone vibrating. He glanced at it, quickly picking it up. He nodded, shook his head, and eventually went into the next room. He came back with a massive smile on his face.
“So, I got an offer to go to Fashion Week in the US. I want to go, but if you need me to stay, I can.” “James, that's amazing! I would never stop you from going, besides, it’s only a week. I’m so proud of you.” “Thank you so much! I’m going to pack right now.”
James was so excited, and Regulus figured he’d be fine without him for a bit. It’s not like he was entirely emotionally attached to James, siphoning from his seemingly endless stream of happiness. He would be fine, and he would distract himself with work and dance and hanging out with his friends. He would be amazing. Regulus drove James to the airport, James talking excitedly the whole time about all of the people that would be there. Regulus tried to look excited, but on the inside he was a little disappointed. After he dropped James off, he dropped Remus's car. He walked home quickly, and collapsed into his bed.
Regulus stayed in his house for five days, going absolutely positively insane. He ate next to nothing, and stayed in bed. He cried most of the time, feeling his mind go back to a dark and sinister place. He thought about James. He was going to leave him. Everyone always did, and Regulus couldn’t stand the feeling. He thought about going to the top of his building and flying off. It would be an incredibly band suicide, but at this point, he had stopped caring. He stood up from his bed shakily. He wasn’t sure how his body was moving, because he was not telling his hands to get a sharp blade. He was not telling his hands to grip the object. He was not telling his hands to run the blade along his arm, making cuts all the way up to his shoulder. He was not telling his hands to cut a long but shallow gash along his stomach. He did tell his hands to drop the blade after he cut his stomach, crying. He sobbed there on the floor, watching the blood trail down his body. Regulus thinks he hears his door open, but he isn’t sure. He was crying for James now, his voice croaking.
“Reggie! I’m back! I brought you a gift! Where are-”
James stepped into the bathroom holding a bag. As soon as he saw Regulus, James dropped the bag, and he heard glass shatter. James was holding his hands over his face. Tears were still running down Regulus’s face.
“I’m sorry, James. I’m sorry, James. I’m sorry, James. I’m sorry, James. I’m sorry, James. I’m so sorry.”
James walked toward his fragile body, his face still in shock.
“Reg, it's ok. What happened love? Oh, Reggie. I’m so sorry for leaving.”
James held Regulus, stroking his hair. Regulus cried into James, not because of the pain, but because he was ashamed. Regulus thought he was better. He said he would never do it again.
“I’m sorry, James. I don’t want to make you mad.” “Regulus, it's ok. You could never make me mad. Let’s get you cleaned up, ok?”
Regulus nodded, James standing up to get a towel. He wet it and then cleaned out Regulus’s cuts. The bleeding had stopped, and the blood was starting to dry. James got bandages for the bigger cuts and placed them gingerly. He helped Regulus up. Together, they sat on the couch, Regulus leaning against James.
“When was the last time you ate?” “Probably two days ago, why?” “Regulus! You can’t do that. I’m making you dinner and then we’re going to talk, understand?”
Regulus nodded, watching James heat up some leftovers. They sat on the couch together, forks scraping against bowls.
“I haven’t done it in 3 years. I-I’m not sure what happened. I just- I needed you more than I realized I think? You make me smile and laugh. You’re so beautiful, and I just couldn’t fix my mind on losing you. I thought you left forever. I never meant for it to happen. It was like I couldn’t control my hand, you know? And then you were there, and it was like my brain went into focus and I realized what I had done. I was so ashamed… still am. I never thought I would relapse, and it was never this bad. I think it's because of everything that happened in the past week. But it's not your fault, James. It will never be your fault.”
James had put his dish down and wrapped his arms around Regulus, and he dug his head into James’s neck, finding the warmth he so craved.
“The first time, why did you do it? When?” “I was thirteen when my mother introduced the woman I was to marry. When I refused, she tortured Sirius. I knew every blow he took for me was my fault, so I decided to make the blows myself. I did it until I was 19, when I knew I had to stop. My mother walked in on me once. She just smiled and walked out of the room. I never cleaned the blood either. I just watched my arm on the tile floor, blood evaporating, and I knew my job was well done.”
Regulus let out a few silent tears, wiping his face on James’ arm.
“I think it was the only time my mother has ever been proud of me. She messed us up, me and Sirius. I always feel guilty around him, because instead of seeing my older brother, I see a person who took every hit for me. And I know that I could never repay him. I think it would kill him if he knew that every hit he took, I gave myself three. When we left, she whispered one thing to me. She said that I would never amount to anything, and that cutting myself would never be enough. She told me I was worthless. I cried that night, harder than I had ever cried in the past. Sirius walked in on me and just held me. Since then, I haven’t cried in front of anyone. Until you.”
James’s face was twisted into a look of shock mixed with hatred. Regulus was worried that James would yell at him, or call him dumb for all of it. Instead, he just kissed Regulus’s forehead.
“How long do you think they would put me away for if I killed her?” He whispered. “Too long. I need you here, remember? I don’t know what I’d-” “I won’t. I won’t ever leave you again. I promise.”
James held out his pinky, and Regulus grasped it with his own. They fell asleep like this, on the couch, Regulus being held by James. The morning came, and Regulus woke up in his bed. Alone. He frantically grasped at the sheets.
“No. No no no no. James. JAMES! COME BACK PLEASE! NO!”
Regulus cried out into the darkness, his voice feeling raw. His eyes burned with a fresh layer of tears. Was James coming home last night just a fucked up dream? He let out a loud, excruciating scream. Just then, his bedroom door opened, letting in a small bit of light. Regulus saw the tall outline of James and ran at him. He wrapped his arms around him, hearing a small grunt of shock. James held him back, letting the two rock back and forth as Regulus squeezed all the air out of him.
“I-. I thought you left.”
James stopped rocking the two, holding Regulus out by the shoulders, staring him down.
“Look at me, Regulus. I promised not five hours ago that I would never leave you. I went to go to the bathroom. I would never leave you, do you understand me?”
Regulus broke his gaze and looked downward, nodding slowly. James grabbed his jaw and forced him to look up into James’s worried eyes.
“I need words, love. Do. you. understand.” “Yes,” he murmured. “Good boy,” James breathed.
They walked back to the bed together, keeping their routine of James holding Regulus. He felt it when James fell asleep. His hands would slow, until coming to a complete stop. His breathing would get a bit heavier, and Regulus could feel it on his back. In. Hold. Long breath out. His grip on Regulus would become slightly less tight, but he would always hold him no matter what. Regulus shut his eyes, drifting into a light sleep. He thought about his mother, and how she couldn’t hurt him anymore. He hoped that if she tried, James would still be there to protect him.