At first James thought Lily was just playing hard to get. He just had to try harder, be better to deserve her. But, how many rejections was it going to take? Maybe his hair had gotten long again; maybe his binder wasn't enough to cover his chest; maybe his grades weren't high enough; maybe he was just too much, too loud, annoying, arrogant. Was he that hard to love? He could try, he could make himself smaller, digestible, easier to love. Cause who would love him as he was.
He was just a rich kid, with lovely parents and lovely friends. Maybe if he was quiet, like Remus, funny, like Sirius, or nice like Peter. Maybe then she would love him. He'd change everything, every detail, just to be loved. He wanted fond smiles, quiet touches. He didn't want to settle for quick making out sessions at parties. He wanted someone who would stay.
He felt cursed, destined to chase after someone who didn't want him. Would someone ever chase after him? Would someone care enough to run after him? Was he worthy of that love? Was he worthy of love? Was he worthy? Was he? He could feel every crack after every no. His heart wouldn't make it. What would happen when it broke under the weight of loving? Of caring. What a curse, to love and not be loved, to give and never take. What a curse it is to have a heart, a soul. Feelings. He wished he could turn them off.
A voice in his head whispered 'You can't leave them, you're their light'. Being selfish, maybe for the first time, he thought back 'Then they'll have to find another'.
After that, there was only darkness.