To Build A Home

11:23; 25th of August, 1979

After a couple days, the people in the Potter manor slipped into a routine. Since you really shouldn’t use dreamless sleep potions too often, Regulus started getting nightmares after the second night he spent in the emerald green guest room. Lily was always there, in the morning, and then they’d cry together. Lily would tell him about the muggle world, and all the culture he was supposedly missing out on. After two days, he could tell you for certain what a jeans was, and that he would never ever ever again wear one of those. He could also hum along to the tune of multiple Queen songs. He had found their music to be quite nice to listen to, but he preferred the Beatles, though he found their name odd.

Lily and Regulus would then go downstairs to the kitchen, where Winky and Kreacher had often already prepared breakfast for them. After the incident on the first morning, the two house elves had actually become friends. After breakfast, Lily would do the dishes, while Regulus read in the Potter’s library. On the second morning, he’d wanted to help Lily with the dishes, only to have one of the worst panic attacks he’s ever had once he felt the water on his skin. 

On the worst days, when everything reminded him of the cave, of his parents, of death eaters, of nearly his entire life before James brought him home, he read in his dictionary. He opened random pages, and tried to remember the definitions of the words. It calmed him, for some reason. To learn new things, to figure out the correct meanings of the words on his own.

COLLINS COBUILD DICTIONARY OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE, p577

Freckle , Freckles . Freckles are small light brown spots on someone’s skin, especially on their face. EG; She has red hair and freckles.

The example sentence reminded him of Lily, who had so many freckles he didn’t think anyone would ever be able to count them. His eyes continued to wander over the page.

Freckled, Freaky, Free.

Free. 

For the first time in his life, he thought he might actually understand what that meant, without having to read the definition.

-

14:12; 26th of August, 1979.

Regulus was dirty.

His hair was getting greasy, a feeling he had never before experienced, always sure to take proper care of it before it could reach the point of greasy , and he hated the feeling. He hated it. Hated how it shined not because it was healthy, but because he had failed to take proper care of it. Hated how it felt when it brushed against his forehead, or when he ran his fingers through it. So, he’d have to fix that.

He stood in front of the bathroom door. He’d opened it before, to brush his teeth or to use the toilet, but now he didn’t dare to. Because opening the door, or worse, going through it, would make it official. It would mean that he was going to take a shower, or take a bath, whatever he was going to do to wash himself. Either way, it would mean water.

Lots of it.

Too much of it, really.

Any water that was not contained in a glass around which Regulus could wrap his fingers to keep it in easy control was bad water.

Showers and baths?

Very bad water.

Come on Regulus, you can do it. Said an inner voice sounding a lot like Sirius.

Allez Regulus, un Black qui a peur de l’eau? Tu es un fils terrible. Said a different inner voice, who sounded a lot like his mother.

“Shut up!” Shouted Regulus to his mother. 

He chose to listen to his brother.

Slowly, he raised his hand, until it was firmly wrapped around the handle. 

Just press it down. One step at a time, you can do it Reg. Said Sirius in his head.

One step at a time.

Regulus could do that.

Right?

He didn’t have to shower if he entered the bathroom, right?

He could just be there. That would be an accomplishment. He’d never been in there for a long time, especially not when there wasn’t any reason to.

He pushed down the handle, and the door immediately crept open a little, giving Regulus a slim view of the walk in shower, which made him stumble back immediately.

One step at a time, Reg. It’s alright . Sirius in his head reminded him.

With his foot, Regulus pushed open the door a little more, which gave him a full view of the shower. It was a nice one, really. Regulus would never dare admit it in front of his mother - as he would surely get crucioedd for it - but it was a nicer one than he used to have in Grimmauld place. 

That didn’t take away from the fact that the sight of it caused Regulus to panic. 

He couldn’t move. He was hyperventilating, he knew that, vaguely, he didn't have the energy to care, or try to fight it. He kept staring at the showerhead, unable to tear his gaze away from it.

But he didn’t really see the shower. Not constantly. His vision switched between the cave, and himself showering, covered in water again, and the shower again. He must’ve started crying at some point, because tears were streaming down his face, which did not help with his panic.

“Regulus?” 

James

“Oh my god Regulus! Are you okay?”

Lily.

Two familiar arms wrapped around him, and then he couldn’t see the shower anymore. 

All he could see was Lily’s ginger hair.

All he could smell was Lily.

Lily, Lily, Lily.

Lily , who helped him with daily panic attacks.

Lily , who was always patient.

Lily, who asked James to get the dictionary because she was

Lily , who knew exactly what he needed.

And then there was James.

James, James, James.

James, who let Lily work her magic because he knew she was better at it

James , who got a dictionary just because Lily asked him too.

James , who stayed with them the whole time.

James, who closed the door.

James and Lily

James and Lily.

Home.

Free.

Safe.

-

17:53; 26th of August, 1979.

“You nearly drowned, Reg, it’s completely normal for you to react that way.” Said James as Lily handed them tea. It had taken a long time for Regulus to calm down, and after that, the three of them had sat in silence for a while. Then, Regulus had started crying again. He had been ashamed. James’ reassurances helped a little, but Regulus still looked down at the ginger lemon tea Lily had brewed for them.

“If you don’t mind me asking, Reg, what were you going to do?” Asked Lily as she sat down on the bed next to them. Regulus looked down, and the silence was long but relatively comfortable, until he broke it again.

“Shower,” he murmured. He felt tears forming in his eyelids again.

‘I- Oh, Regulus, come here.” Regulus let himself be pulled into a tight embrace by James. He felt so distinctly safe , that Regulus couldn’t help but release a relieved sigh. 

“How ‘bout you just try a cleaning charm?” asked Lily, who was stroking Regulus’ hair while cuddled up behind James. “It’s not as good as a shower, but it’s good enough, and it doesn’t use any water.”

Regulus nodded, a movement which was mostly lost to James’ broad chest. He hadn’t even considered using magic, which made him feel a bit stupid, to be honest, but it would work well enough. It wouldn’t be perfect, but it would be good enough.

That’s all he ever needed.

That’s all he never got.

Until now.