Always Beautiful
The silence lasts a month.
Regulus wishes it lasted forever. Or well, he wants to wish that he wished he did.
It wasn’t a hard thing to do-avoid and not talk to James that is. He was a year below him and in a different house than him and lived on the opposite side of the castle. So it’d been easy to ignore him over the past year and in the rare moments when he’d see him in the halls, it was a mere reminder of why he wanted to. Because he was always with Sirius, laughing or being disgustingly over-affectionate. So yes, maybe one day when James and Sirius were so all over each other that they were close enough to kiss, Regulus hexed the two of them and oh so casually walked away, grinning triumphantly when he heard their shrieked shouts.
It had been easy. Until that night months ago when he found James drunk in that alcove. Now he can’t stop seeming to run into him, literally speaking. He’d literally almost run into him the night before school started up again. And then he had almost run into James’ bludger a mere two weeks after. And James wasn’t making it easy to bloody ignore him. What with the staring at him from across the Great Hall and finding that one blonde friend of his hysterically funny in the middle of class, practically forcing Regulus to lookat him.
And then yesterday he just had to do it again. Had to make Regulus painfully aware of his existence.
He was in his last class of the day, Herbology, and had passed the time rather easily, mostly because he actually enjoyed learning about the plants, when Professor Sprout announced that they would begin working on a project the following day. It wasn’t until she announced that for the project they would be working in groups of two, in which she had already paired up, that things went awry. Because seconds later the names of the partners were magically being listed on the chalkboard in the middle of the room and Regulus was reading: Regulus Black and James Potter.
He had two classes with the boy: Potions and Herbology, both in which James wasn’t particularly good at. Two classes. Two bloody classes, both in which he’d been able to avoid James for the majority of the time (except when he starts laughing because of that one girl), and yet there were their names side-by-side on the chalkboard.
Regulus had refused to look up from his table then because he knew he would be met with James’ gaze. He didn’t have to refuse to look up from the table for long because class ended soon after. But then he ended up looking at James anyway because he was holding the bloody greenhouse door open for everyone. The boy had given him a small smile on his way out and Regulus decided then that he couldn’t stand to be partnered with James.
He had, in a moment of weakness that he deeply regrets, confided in his friends about the whole situation, conveniently not mentioning James Potter. Instead, he simply grumbled on about his stupid Herbology project Professor Sprout has assigned and how he’d rather jump off the Astronomy Tower than do it (the dramatic fucker).
“Just get high before class. I do it all the time,” Barty had said simply, like it was the most normal thing in the world to admit that you do drugs before class all the time.
Evan had sat up from his spot on Barty’s lap. “First of all, what the fuck, Barty? Second of all, stop encouraging him to do literal drugs before class. Do you know how much trouble he could get in if Sprout finds out? The entirety of her job is to teach us about plants and you don’t think she’ll notice if he’s high as a kite on weed?”
Barty rolled his eyes half-heartedly. “You’re so dramatic. I’ve done it at least 3 times and she’s never noticed.”
Evan's eyes widened. “How many times have you gotten high before class exactly?”
“You know if I wanted a lecture I would just owl back home,” Barty jabbed, already done with whatever little lecture Evan was certainly about to give him.
Evan had thrown his hands up then, getting up off Barty’s bed. “Oh I’m sorry, you know I was just a little taken back that you get high before class all the time and pretended like that was such a normal fucking thing to do. And I’m so sorry for actually caring about your well-being, I’ll keep in mind that you could give less than two shits yourself next time I dare to care.”
“Evan, come on-”
“Fuck you,” Evan had practically spit out, the room ringing with the sound of the door he’d just slammed shut.
Barty had let out a miserable groan and buried his face in his pillow. He was still laying like that when Regulus left that night.
And even though the situation had ended with Evan still pissed at Barty the next morning and Barty moping around because Evan was pissed at him, Regulus thought that Barty’s advice hadn’t been all that bad. Getting a little high before class and floating around on his cloud didn’t seem like a bad idea. In fact, the more that he thought about it the more he thought it was bloody brilliant.
So here he is now, high in class. Professor Sprout explaining what the project entails breezes by in a blur and soon they’re being ushered off to pre-setup tables that all have a medium-sized potted plant on them. Regulus takes his seat on the wooden stool behind the table with no finesse, stumbling over his feet at the last second, almost falling off of the chair before he even sits down. And then suddenly, any trace of drugs done leaves his body because James Potter reaches out and grabs onto his arm, keeping him steady enough to actually sit down.
“Are you alright?” James asks, managing a soft chuckle that vibrates rather loudly in Regulus’ ear.
What do you care, he wants to say. You didn’t care then so why pretend to now? Instead, he huffs and pulls his arm out of James’ grip. “M’fine.”
“Okay,” James says. “Well, I guess we should get started then. I think unpotting the plant and cutting into the stem should be easy enough and I reckoned that you could draw it out since you’re good at that type of thing and then…”
And then, and then, and then. The two words ring in Regulus’ ears despite not hearing a word of anything else James has said. He hadn’t had much time to actually listen to him, the plant in front of him twisting in funny ways, looking like it was about to sneeze just to not and instead, release a breath of air. The motion entices Regulus and he finds he can’t help but look at it; can’t help but watch the plant seize up just to exhale again to no avail.
“Regulus? What are you looking at?” James’ confused voice asks, managing to break through Regulus’ trance-like state.
“It keeps looking like it’s about to sneeze but it never does,” Regulus murmurs, eyes still trained on the plant.
James takes to observing the plant too and after a few seconds leans closer to Regulus, examining his face and lingering on his eyes. “Are you high?!” James exclaims, though his voice remains quiet.
“No,” Regulus lies.
“Regulus, that plant is not actually moving.”
“Yes, it is,” Regulus insists, even though upon second glance the plant isn’t moving. “Why do you always do this?”
“What are you talking about? If I remember correctly, I’ve never had to tell you a plant wasn’t actually moving and that you were just high.” He says, laughing lightly.
“You-you just-why do you always have to be there? Why do you-you’re everywhere,” Regulus spills out, not entirely sure when or why he decided to start.
James’ brows furrow. “Regulus?”
“And you just prance around all-all…All-you just-you’re insufferable,” Regulus seethes out and once again doesn’t understand why he decides to.
Let’s just say, Barty’s plan was in fact terrible. Because now Regulus is emotional and high and not all there because of those two things and saying things he doesn’t want James much less himself to know. When did his brain become such a traitor?
And James’ face just drops. Not even confusion can find the place to be there. Regulus watches as his throat bobs up and down on a harsh swallow. He used to want to kiss that throat. “Oh. Well, I can-I’ll,” he huffs out a frustrated breath of air, like he’s annoyed with himself. “I’ll ask Professor Sprout if we can switch partners or something, okay? You don’t-I’m sorry.”
And Regulus watches James get up and just barely, just for a second, he can see his glossy eyes behind his glasses. Oh, Regulus thinks. And then, oh he’s leaving. And suddenly it feels very visceral to call out to the boy and tell him to sit back down, to stop being an idiot, to stop trying to leave. He feels like the plant in the way that the words settle in the back of his throat, ready to come out any second but inevitably are just swallowed back down. So close to sneezing, preparing for the impact, just to not, to just end up breathing instead. So close to calling out but ending up just swallowing the words and sitting there.
James comes back a few minutes later, a medium-sized plant pot in hand. He’s got a smile plastered on his face again, eyes no longer glossy. Regulus wonders if it’s real or not. “Well, I asked her if we could switch partners but she said that everyone was pretty much already settled into their groups and that unless I could find someone who was willing to switch with us then we would just have to stay partnered up.”
“Oh,” Regulus says, a weird sense of relief flowing over him. It’s ironic how he came to class high because he couldn’t stand to work with James and now he’s glad he still gets to.
James starts again. “But then Marlene said that her and her partner, Archie, would switch with us. So…I guess it all worked out. He burnt their last plant to a crisp though, so there’s that.” A short laugh. Regulus wonders if that’s fake too.
“Oh,” is all he says. Disappointment. Why does he feel so disappointed?
James gives him a short, awkward nod before walking across the room to join that Marlene girl. He preferred when she didn’t have a name, when she was just ‘that girl James hangs out with’. He doesn’t notice the boy, Archie, take a seat next to him, gaze fixed across the room at James and Marlene. He watches as James gives her a soft, almost not there, smile and how Marlene caresses his cheek and then removes her hand and plants an over-the-top kiss on James’ cheek (Regulus wants to shove the plant in front of him down her throat). James laughs softly at this, almost too low for Regulus to hear from where he sits. But he does. He’s certain it isn’t fake.
↣
James was in the 4th year when he and Sirius had had their first real fight. Of course, as any normal best friends do, they got into arguments-but they stayed just that: arguments. They’d get mad over something petty or stupid and bicker about it for minutes or hours on end until one of them gave in and apologized, which always happened because they were incredibly soft and fond of the other and honestly couldn’t go more than a few hours without speaking.
This time wasn’t much different than the others. James, Sirius, and Regulus were sitting in the courtyard when they had gotten into an argument. James had said something which made Sirius immediately scoff and protest. And so they started bickering, going at it back and forth to no end. But even then James hadn’t thought much of it. They’d have it out, apologize, and go right back to being best friends. This time would be no different, right?
He had believed that wholeheartedly. But this time things only seemed to be escalating, the simple petty bickering turning into full-blown arguing. At that point, James didn’t even remember what they were arguing about, just that he wanted them to stop.
Eventually, when the fight was coming to a head, Sirius, in a fit of annoyance and anger said, “You’re fucking insufferable,” and then snatched his bag and wand and stormed off.
James knew then that this time was different. Never in any of their arguments had the other angrily stormed off and never had they left an argument unfinished, always taking the time to talk it out with each other. James had wanted to go after him but he felt stuck in place, glued firmly to the stone floor he sat on. So he just thudded his head back into the wall behind him and squeezed his eyes shut, Sirius’ words playing back in his head. You’re fucking insufferable, you’re fucking insufferable, you’re fucking insufferable.
Was he? Does everyone around me think I am, he thought? That wasn’t the first time James ever felt like too much but it was the first time he felt validated in his feelings. And how could he not when his own best friend just called him insufferable? Oh, how he wanted to cry or have the earth swallow him whole, never to be seen again.
He would have sat like that for hours, he's sure, if it wasn’t for the rustle of shoes against stone floor and the shift of someone sitting next to him; he could feel the way oxygen moved out of the way to make room for them. He opened his eyes then, looking to his right where Regulus now sat next to him. And oh, how he relaxed a little at the reminder of his presence. In the aftermath of his and Sirius’ fight, he had forgotten that Regulus was also there. The realization instantly made him feel a little lighter.
“Sorry,” James mumbled.
“For what?”
James sighed. “Ruining the three of us’s hangout.”
“You didn’t,” Regulus stated.
“You don’t have to stay here with me, you know? You can go after him, he’s your brother after all. I’ll be fine.” He had given the other boy a soft smile of encouragement, not wanting him to feel like he had to stay with him.
“Just because he’s my brother doesn’t mean he isn’t an idiot. And we both know that if I went after him now he would just be petty that I didn’t come after him sooner. I can just hear him now: Oh, now you decide to come after me?! You’re supposed to be my brother, Reggie,” he had said, Sirius impression spot on.
James had laughed at this-it really was something Sirius would do. “Yeah, he probably would,” James agreed.
They were so close that their shoulders touched and for a second, James just sat there and relished in the simple touch. He loved when Regulus touched him; and spoke to him; and existed.
“Am I insufferable?” he had asked after a few minutes of them just sitting there, shoulder to shoulder.
Regulus looked James straight in the eyes then, voice soft and serious as he said, “You’re one of the few people that I actually find tolerable.
James had smiled wide then, all lopsided and full of teeth. “Really?”
Regulus chuckled. “Now you’re just fishing for compliments.”
And well, it wasn’t not true. But he didn’t really care about the compliment more who it came from. And it came from Regulus and James was so incredibly fond that he wanted to hear the boy say it over and over again.
“Maybe,” James had admitted, smile still tugging on his face. A pause and then, “Do you think he actually meant it?”
“Like I said, he’s an idiot. If you said you were going to jump off the astronomy tower he would come along and do it with you; you wouldn’t do that for someone if you found them insufferable.”
‘Would you jump off the astronomy tower with me if I said I was going to?” James had asked, smirking.
“No, because I’m not an idiot.”
James had looked so fondly at him then, stars in his eyes. “No, you’re brilliant.”
“Really?” Regulus asked, eyes still trained on James’.
James grinned. “Look who’s fishing for compliments now.”
“Oh, piss off,” Regulus grumbled.
James had just smiled at this. Because Regulus was there, cute and grumpy, and didn’t find James insufferable.
What a fucking liar.
Liar, liar, liar.
“James,” Marlene said, tugging playfully on his hair.
“Hmm,” James hummed, pulling his gaze from the burning fireplace and to the patterned carpet beneath him.
“What’s going on in there?” she said, tapping on the side of his head.
“More than I want to,” James mumbled, tracing the intricate patterns of the carpet with his eyes.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Marlene asked softly. “Everyone’s already gone up to bed.”
It was true, the common room was deserted except for James and Marlene. Marlene had come down and found James sitting on the couch, staring at the fireplace, and joined him. And now hours or minutes later James is sitting on the floor in front of the couch and Marlene is gently plaiting his hair in a repetitive motion of plaiting, unplaiting, and plaiting again.
James hadn’t really noticed everyone leaving. Sure, he was there sitting on the floor against Marlene’s legs, and sure he may have heard the chatter dying down, but he hadn’t really noticed. The flames had enticed him and his thoughts overtook him and suddenly he was back to that day in 4th year, back to the day that Regulus had told him he wasn’t insufferable. Oh, how casually cruel his memories were to him.
“Maybe about what happened in class today?” Marlene prompts.
“He was high.”
“Uhh…okay?”
“He came to class high and I think it was because of me. He said I was insufferable,” James explains.
“Oh,” Marlene says, unplaiting a strand of his hair. “Well, he’s an idiot then because that’s not true. I’ll hex him for you or tell Archie to set their plant on fire. Hell, I’ll set him on fire.”
James chuckles softly. “Sometimes I think you’re seriously deranged, you know? But no, don’t go telling people to set things on fire or trying to set people on fire.”
Marlene lets out a dramatic sigh. “Guess I’ll just have to settle for hexing him then.”
James swats her thigh softly. “No physical violence of any kind, okay?”
She starts plaiting the strand of hair again. “Ahh, I guess I’ll just hurt him with words then.”
“No, Marls. Just leave it. It’s fine.” James sighs, throat suddenly feeling tight. “I think he’s… right.”
“James-”
“I-I know I’m a lot. I’m loud and always talking and I can never quite seem to shut up. But I didn’t want him to think I was, anyone but him. You know, he said I was one of the few people he found tolerable once. I wish he would say it again. I wished he still thought of me like that,” James says, voice weak and cracking within seconds. Oh how badly he wishes Regulus still thought of him like that.
“James,” Marlene says, tilting James’ head back so she can look at his face, wiping the tears off he hadn’t realized had fallen with gentle fingers. “You’re not a lot James, some people are just too little. And there will be others James; others who will tell you you’re amazing just as you are; others who will love you because of who you are.”
“I don’t care. I want it to be him. I’ve always wanted it to be him,” James croaks.
“I know. I know, James. But-and listen to me when I say this James-sometimes we want something from someone so bad that we let it consume us. Don’t, James. Don’t let it consume you.”
“I can’t-I can’t stop loving him,” James says, a vicious sob choking out of him.
“And I’m not telling you to stop. Love, most of the time, never does. But I am telling you to let go, just a little. To not let it consume you. Do you think you could do that, James?”
James sits with what she said for a while, staring up at the ceiling rather than her face. The thought of letting go of anything related to Regulus seems impossible. And letting go at all seems even harder. James Potter loves hard and if he loves you he can’t quit. But he needs to now, even just a little, because Marlene’s right. It is consuming him.
So he says, “I can try,” even though he’s not sure how.
↣
Remember when Regulus was disappointed when James switched partners with Marlene? Yeah, now he’s just pissed. Because Andrew or whatever his fucking name is is an idiot. So yes, he’s pissed because he’s spending the time he could be doing literally anything else redrawing the plant stem he had already fucking drawn in class because Andrew spilled his inkpot on the first drawing. James wouldn’t have spilled his inkpot on my drawing is the continuous thought in the back of Regulus’ mind. No, James would have given Regulus his space and gazed at him from afar with admiration.
The first time James caught Regulus drawing he was…embarrassed, to say the least. It was a warm day near the beginning of his second year. He was out by the lake, leaning against the big brown willow tree that he always did when he came out here to draw. No one had ever found him out here besides Pandora and that was because Pandora could find Regulus anywhere. So it came as quite a shock when he saw James see him resting against the tree and begin walking over.
He was still hastily hiding the drawing when James stopped in front of him. “Hi,” he had said, a wide smile across his face. Regulus hadn’t understood why James always looked at him like that and he was far too scared to ask because then James could stop and he didn’t want that.
“Hi,” he had said back, smiling because James was.
“What’s that?” the other boy asked, nodding at the section of paper he couldn’t cover quickly enough under his robes.
“Oh it’s nothing, just astronomy homework,” he had lied. Even back then lying came easy to him.
“Oh! Well, I could help you if you want,” James had asked, voice hopeful. That was something Regulus didn’t understand either-why James would offer to help him with schoolwork or walk with him or practice quidditch on the pitch. He knew it wasn’t because of Sirius because he was never around when James had asked, so he was rather clueless about the whole thing.
“No!” he had blurted out quickly, panicked.
“Oh. Okay.” James’ voice was no longer hopeful and the smile on his face had twitched down slightly. “I’ll just…leave you to it then. See you around, Regulus.”
“Wait,” Regulus had called out because James was starting to leave. “I’m-I’m not doing astronomy homework.”
“What?” James had asked, brows furrowed.
“I’m-I wasn’t doing astronomy homework. I was…drawing,” Regulus had reluctantly admitted, not wanting the boy to go yet.
“Oh, can I see?” James had said, looking absolutely delighted at the thought of seeing whatever Regulus had drawn.
“I’m not any good. At drawing, I mean. That’s why I tried to hide it, it’s embarrassing,” Regulus had explained, nervously toying with his hands.
“Nothing you do is embarrassing, Regulus,” James had breathed out, looking absolutely fond. That was something Regulus didn’t understand either-why James would say such nice things and look at him like that. It always made something odd churn in his stomach.
“Don’t lie,” Regulus said, immediately protesting James’ words.
“I’m not. I would never lie to you.” And there was that fond look again. And then that odd churning in his stomach.
“No? Well, what if I tripped and fell, would you find me embarrassing then?” Regulus had prompted.
“No. I would maybe laugh a little but then I would go over and help you up; ask if you were okay.”
“Well what if-”
“No,” James had cut in. “I’m not lying, Regulus. And you don’t have to show me your drawing if you don't want. I wouldn’t want to pressure you into doing something you didn’t want to do.”
And maybe it was the fact that James had actually given him the choice and would have left well enough alone if Regulus asked him to that made Regulus want to show him. So Regulus muttered, “Just dont…judge me, okay?” and then pulled the paper out from under his robes.
James sat down then, presumably to get a better look at the drawing. The picture was unfinished, James having interrupted him before he had the chance to, and depicted the landscape in front of them. The tall willow tree across the lake, and then the lake, and then the long pikes of grass around it, and then the flowers around the long pikes of grass. The strokes were quite rough because he had used his quill and ink blended together in some places but overall it was rather…good.
“It’s beautiful,” James had said, looking directly at Regulus.
Blush had crept up onto Regulus’ cheeks then and his stomach did that weird churn again. You’re beautiful, screamed something in his mind as he looked at the boy. It was then, as he looked at James and James looked at him, that he realized he was done for. James Potter was beautiful and liked his drawings and looked at him like that and Regulus was done for.
James wasn’t there now to admire his drawing, no, he had run off with Marlene and left him with an idiot who didn’t think his drawing was beautiful and who he didn’t find beautiful and was now stuck redrawing the plant when he should be at dinner. The common room was mostly empty because of this, which he appreciated. He liked the silence.
There were very few people, less than five, littering the common room, and Regulus only really knew one of them, Evan, who was sitting across from him in an armchair reading a book. He liked the silence too. That’s how the two became friends; Regulus down in the common room reading at obscene hours in the night and Evan coming down to do the same thing. They would often exchange books, sprawling their own thoughts into the already note-covered pages.
The silence doesn’t last long for Evan though because out of the corner of his eye, he sees Barty walk into the common room from the main door and walk right on over to Evan. Evan, who had probably seen Barty out of the corner of his eye too, promptly ignores the boy. Right, Regulus thinks. Evans still mad about last night. Usually, Regulus would find it amusing to watch the other boy grovel for forgiveness but his shit day hasn’t exactly left him in a chipper mood. Nonetheless, he still watches as Barty hesitantly stops in front of Evan, who after a few seconds looks up from his book with his eyebrows raised.
“Do you need something?” Evan asks flatly.
“Evan,” Barty says rather desperately, sitting down on the wooden coffee table in front of him.
“You know my name, congratulations.”
Regulus bites back a smile at this. Sure he and Barty can hold a grudge but Evan? He’s on a whole other level.
“I got you something,” the other boy says and begins rummaging through the pockets of his robes, pulling out several boxes (of candy?) a few seconds later. “They’re your favorites.”
Evan looks at the candy Barty’s holding out to him and sets down his book, taking the boxes from the boy's hand. “How’d you get these? We don’t go to Hogsmeade till next week and I know you ate all the candy you bought last trip when you were high last weekend.”
“I may have…stolen them,” Barty admits sheepishly.
Evan's lips twitch up slightly at the corners, almost unnoticeable but still there. “Trying to bribe my forgiveness, are you?”
“Yes.” Barty lets out a long exhale. “I’m sorry, I was an asshole. I appreciate you caring about me, really. Please don’t be mad at me anymore, you’re my best friend.”
Evan’s lips twitch up fully at this. “Alright, you’re forgiven.
And even though Regulus can’t see his face, he knows Barty is smiling.
He goes back to his drawing then, leaving the two to talk to each other. He’s not jealous of the bond they have because he has Pandora and really, although he’ll never admit it, it’s rather heartwarming. Dysfunctional, yes, but heartwarming nonetheless.
He finishes his drawing without any further distractions, unlike that spring day years ago. He never did finish the drawing of the lake he started years ago. James had said it was beautiful, unfinished and splotchy in some areas, and yet he said it was beautiful. So it stayed like that. It’s still in one of his drawers somewhere, buried under books and other drawings, ink probably faded by now. But always beautiful. Always beautiful.