What if?
Two Months Later
James tried to enjoy his summer vacation and for the most part, he did. He was with his parents who he loved, and with Sirius, who he also loved. Nothing was particularly different than every summer before. Sirius had always spent a lot of time at James’ house over the summer even before he moved in with Potters a year ago.
Yet the moment he stepped foot in his house he felt it. The shift. The walls, usually bright and full of life and memories, seemed dull. His home still felt like home, it always would, but there was something inexplicably different. He quickly realized it was not a ‘something’ but rather a someone. Regulus. Regulus had always been there, right alongside Sirius, and now he wasn’t.
This was the first summer without Regulus.
Sirius had left Grimwauld Place just in time for summer last year. Regulus hadn’t come with him. James could never forget that Regulus hadn’t come with his brother. Maybe it was because he had to hear his best friend’s choked sobs from the room next to his. Or maybe it was because James himself cried into his pillow some nights.
Back then the two were still trying though. Secretly sending the other letters and meeting with each other at obscene times in the night just so they wouldn’t get caught by their parents. James remembers the time Sirius had come home at 3 in the morning. He had somehow managed to make enough ruckus to wake, a now frightened James up. Although he was still half asleep, James stumbled down the stairs at the noise. It was when he found Sirius in a heap on the floor after presumably crashing into something in the dark and seeing his younger brother laughing his ass off above him, that James’ heart skipped a beat.
He was there. Regulus was actually there. Still him. Still beautiful.
It wasn’t long before James had joined in on the laughter and for a moment, the three of them were just kids again.
After a little while Sirius had gone off to the bathroom, leaving James and Regulus on the couch. James found himself wanting to say a lot of things to Regulus that night. To tell him he cried over him some nights. That he was sorry his parents were terrible people. That he missed seeing him. It was all true. James did cry over him, James was sorry, and James did miss seeing him. He had never been invited to one of their late-night escapades and a part of him wished that one of them, either of them really, would invite him along. He understood why they hadn’t though. Those nights were the only time they got to see each other and that was sacred.
So James found himself wanting to say so much but ending up just muttering 3 words, “Are you okay?”
Regulus had just shrugged.
“You’re always welcome here, you know?”
“James.”
“I’m not saying to move in, Reg. I’m just letting you know that coming here is always an option.”
“James,” Regulus had said again. This one seemed more like a warning.
James sighed desperately. “I know. I’m sorry. I just-I care about you is all.”
And then there was a moment where Regulus just looked at him. And maybe it was just stupid hope but James thought for a second that Regulus was going to kiss him. That’s when Sirius came back from the bathroom.
Regulus did come back again. Once. Regulus had looked so tired then and James found himself wanting to just reach out and hug him. He didn’t find the courage to though, despite being a Gryffindor and it being in his nature.
It was when Regulus was about to leave that he said, “You can, you know?”
James felt embarrassed, to say the least, that Regulus had seen right through him. Nonetheless, he still took the opportunity, wrapping his arms around the boy tight, like he was afraid that he might slip through his fingers at any given second.
James realizes the irony of that now.
James had thought about those two moments from last summer a lot during this one. Because Regulus wasn’t there, leaving only the memory of him in his wake. So he cherished them. Then hated them. Just to cry over them hours later. Again and again. He tortured himself with the ‘what if’ of it all. What if Regulus had kissed him that night? Would that have been enough to stop them from becoming who they are today? The answer is always no.
He realizes how stupid it is to do this-to think about the ‘what if’ of it all. Because they don’t have the ‘what if.’ All they have is the now. Now none of them speak to each other. Now Regulus treats James like he never knew him. Now Sirius refuses to talk about his younger brother. Now James thinks about all of this and cries.
And that drunken night two months ago didn’t help James forget either. He thought about it too. A lot. He thinks about the ‘what if’ of it too. What if Regulus had stayed? What if James had actually said something encouraging that made them realize that they were still brothers, that they still needed each other?
James thinks about that moment again as he passes the little cave in the wall. It’s been two months and James still remembers it like it was last night. The cave is empty now because students aren’t technically required to come back to school till tomorrow morning. James has had to come back to school the night before school started since 4th year. He forgot to bring his luggage to the train station once and was stuck sharing clothes with his friends for 3 days. And he means all of his friends, including Lily and Marlene who seemingly decided to take the opportunity to give James a makeover. They had put him in a red and yellow Gryffindor skirt and an entirely too-small Gryffindor sweater that had cut off just above his belly button. They even did his makeup, putting mascara on his lashes and doing his eyeliner.
James had felt nervous to show anyone even though Lily and Marlene swore that he looked good. James had thought so himself when he saw his reflection in the mirror but he wasn’t sure others would think the same. He had ended up worrying for nothing because no one-including his friends-made a big deal out of it. Remus and Peter had both told him he looked pretty and Sirius, although he had laughed at first, told James the same. This had all made James happy and far less self-conscious but it was when Regulus had seen James that he had felt truly beautiful.
Sirius and James were in the library looking for some book Sirius needed for class when Regulus had walked in. James hadn’t seen him at first. It wasn’t until Sirius had gone off to ask the librarian for help that James turned around and saw him. He was already looking at James and James had felt his face immediately turn red. It was still crimson when Regulus stopped in front of him.
“Cute sweater,” he had said.
“Stop,” James had replied back, sure that the other boy was making fun of him.
“It is,” Regulus had said, running his fingers along the edge of the material.
James had sucked in a deep breath at the touch. “Really?” he had asked, even though he knew Regulus meant what he said. Really he had just wanted to hear him say it again.
“Yes. You look beautiful,” he had said, looking James in the eye with a helplessly fond grin on his face.
That one look from Regulus had made James grateful that he forgot his luggage. Because Regulus was looking at him and thinking he was beautiful and that made nothing else seem to matter. Still, Effie had insisted James get there the night before from then on. James didn’t mind though. He enjoyed the quiet of the empty hallways and the non-existent expectations from others around him.
James is doing just that when he almost runs into someone. He manages to stop in enough time to keep their bodies from colliding though.
“Sor-” James’ words die in his throat when he sees who’s in front of him.
Regulus.
Regulus. The boy he’s thought about the whole summer.
Regulus. The boy who stands in front of him with a red bruise on his face.
James feels his heart drop and hit the floor, shattering into a million pieces. He knew, of course he knew, that the Black parents hit their children but he had never seen it. Never this up close or fresh before. And never on Regulus, always Sirius. Always Sirius taking his younger brother’s beatings for him. James had never let himself give much thought to the fact that once Sirius left, Regulus would be the one taking the beatings.
He thinks about it now. He feels like he wants to throw up but also a lot like he wants to murder Regulus’ parents. But most of all, he just wants to reach out and hold the boy in front of him, shield him from the world.
And he almost finds the courage to do it when Regulus just…walks away. Just like that, he walks away. He walks away and James wants to follow him but he feels like he can’t move. His legs are suddenly heavy and his feet are stuck to the floor.
So James just stays there.
⤖
The next morning comes and the halls begin to fill out with returning students. There’s luggage everywhere and nonstop talk with friends about how their respective summers went. James doesn’t bother to wait for his friends to settle in so they can all go to breakfast together, he just leaves. He didn’t eat dinner last night because he was sure he wouldn’t be able to stomach it and well-he stood in that hallway for a long time. He’s not sure how long he stood there for but he knows it was probably a long time.
He still doesn’t feel particularly hungry but his body does. So he gets up and walks to the dining hall. Since it’s early and people are still settling back into their dorms the 4 long tables are, for the most part, empty. James sits down and fills his plate with a little bit of everything on the table. There’s only two other people sitting at the long table-first years James reckons. They remind him of him and Sirius when they first started school; young and happy and unaware of what the future holds. The thought pulls viciously at one of his heartstrings because they are no longer young and unaware. No, they understand all too well.
James isn’t sure if he and Sirius are happy or not anymore. James knows that he is, sometimes, but he also knows that, more often than not, a billow of sadness overtakes him. He doesn’t know how to fight it and well, he’s not sure he cares to try anymore. And Sirius-well James hasn’t heard or seen him cry since last summer. No, most of the time Sirius is flirting with girls or fucking them, usually in that order.
One of the boys-the one that looks a little too like James-says something that makes the other burst out into a high-pitched laugh. James looks away, a lump forming in his throat. He grabs his cup of water, desperately trying to swallow the lump away. He does eventually, rubbing his hands across his face once it’s gone. It’s after, when he’s fixing his glasses back on his face, that he sees him across the room.
Regulus.
Regulus. The boy he wanted to hold so badly.
Regulus. The boy he just let walk away.
He’s lazily running his fork through his breakfast, occasionally deciding to take a bite. And since no one’s there to see him-excepts mini James and Sirius, who James refuses to think about further-James just…stares at him. He doesn’t mean to and he knows that frankly, it’s creepy but he can’t help or stop himself.
James knows the moment Regulus sees him looking at him because his jaw immediately clenches and he grips his fork so hard James is surprised it doesn’t snap in half. James doesn’t exactly know why Regulus seeing him makes him have that type of reaction but he knows it probably has something to do with last night and what he saw. The mark is no longer visible on his face, probably covered up by makeup, but the image is still vivid in James’ mind; blotchy and red across his cheek.
For a moment they just stare at each other. Regulus’ gaze is so sharp James feels like he’s looking right through him. He doesn’t want him to. Doesn’t want him to see the ugly parts of him he so desperately tries to hide. Dont see them, he thinks. And if you do, please just think they’re beautiful. James resists the urge to laugh at himself over the thought because he doubts Regulus finds anything beautiful about him and even if he did it certainly wouldn’t be those parts of him.
Across the room, Regulus is sure James is doing the same to him-seeing right through him. He wonders if he can see the spite and anger running through his veins and collecting near his heart. And maybe James does. Maybe James always has. Maybe James has known since the second he and Sirius had stopped trying that Regulus felt an impending anger and alongside it, spite. Maybe he sees it now. Maybe he always has.
The sad truth is, James doesn’t see it. He doesn’t know. Regulus’ face is like a dirty window that he keeps trying to clean but can never seem to get that one smudge to wipe away. He wipes at it and wipes at it until, in the end, the window becomes dirtier than it was to begin with.
James thinks it would be easier to see through a wall than it would be to see through Regulus.
That’s the sad thing about this. They both think the other can see right through them but, in truth, neither of them can.
Fifteen seconds pass of them staring at each other but it feels like forever. Regulus is the first to break. He always is. James wants to, just once, be the first one to break. But he’s not. It’s Regulus who looks away, rolling his eyes as he does. And it’s Regulus who gets up and leaves the room.
And maybe it’s sheer desperation and/or longing, or maybe he just misses talking to the boy because James stands up and goes to follow him. He doesn’t know what he’ll even say if he’s given the chance, he just knows he wants to say something. The silence between them has become increasingly suffocating and James is tired of feeling out of breath.
So he gets up and follows him.
He’s halfway to the door when his best friend stops in front of him.
“There you are, Prongs! Our first breakfast back and you go without me,” he makes this mock-hurt expression, putting his hand over his heart. “And to think I thought we were best friends.”
James really wishes Sirius had better timing but nonetheless, still smiles at the other’s dramatics. “Yes, you’re totally right. I’ve secretly hated you all these years and decided to tell you by not inviting you to breakfast. You’ve got me.”
“Wow. Guess I’ll have to find another best friend. Maybe Remus or Peter. Marlene is quite the badass though. I’ll definitely need to take some time to consider my options.”
“Yes because the three of them are just eager to be best friends with your cocky self. Face it Padfoot, you’re stuck with me,” James says, smirking smugly.
“Well, I guess I am. Quite the shame honestly,” and then he’s dodging James’ intended hit to the arm. “Okay, okay! I’m sorry.”
“Say it.”
He rolls his eyes. “Seriously, James?”
“Does it look like I’m joking?”
“Well, honestly yes-” he stops at James’ sharp glare and huffs out a breath. “Okay, fine. You, James Potter, are and always will be my best friend.”
James wears a proud grin. “I know.”
Sirius rolls his eyes. “You’re unbelievable.”
“So are you.”
“Probably why we’re best friends.”
“Are you sure because I’m pretty positive we became friends because you were crying your eyes out in a train compartment and I asked if you were okay,” James teases.
“Dont act like you weren’t crying either. You had more of a reason to anyway, your parents are actually missable people.”
You were going to miss your little brother James wants to say because that really had been the reason Sirius was crying that day. But it’s been long enough for James to know not to bring Regulus up unless Sirius does-which isn’t often. So instead James says, “Guess you’ve always been a softie then.”
“Oh yes, I’m the softie. Remember that one time you accidentally stepped on a worm and cried so hard you threw up?”
James lets out an incredulous scoff. “It was sad! It was just a little baby.”
“It literally lived James!”
“That doesn’t make it less sad!”
“I feel like that definitely makes it significantly less sad,” Sirius retorts back.
James shoots him a glare. “Whatever. Enjoy your breakfast. Alone.”
“No!” He says, pouting at James, who gives Sirius no reaction. “Fine. You almost murdering a baby worm is incredibly sad even though the worm in question did in fact live. Now, will you stay with me?”
“Okay. Even though your apology was incredibly half-assed, I’ll take pity on you. Just this once.”
And so he lets Sirius hook his arm around his shoulder and take him back to the table. It would be no use really to try to go after Regulus now, he had a head start and James got delayed further by Sirius and well, this castle is huge. So he just sits back down at the table.
In a way, James feels like going after Regulus was no use either way.