The secrets I hide.

Weeks turned to days.

It had been three weeks since Chris had called. Two weeks since Eddie decided to start packing up a U-Haul and his entire house. What the hell was Buck supposed to do? Eddie refused to speak with Christopher! Oh and don't get him started on Christopher, Buck wasn't allowed to tell Eddie. Buck wasn't allowed to tell Christopher. Buck this and Buck that, they were killing him! Now he understands why Chim refuses to keep secrets!? 

Regardless. Buck was going to keep these secrets. He was going to bake and smile and blame the baking on his break-up with Tommy. Although his break-up was no one's fault but his own. Buck tried to keep himself composed he really did. His SEAL days really helped him with that for a while until he eventually felt nothing. He was dull, in a way. Everyone would end up leaving him anyway, he should have accepted this a long time ago. The door always gets slammed in his face. Bobby and Athena had their family, he was just a friend. Maddie and Chimney were starting their wonderful family, Buck was just an uncle. Karen and Hen had their family, Buck was just a friend. Eddie had Christopher, buck was.. well what was Buck? He couldn't consider himself a co-parent could he? No, of course not. Eddie said it more times than buck could count. Eddie was Christopher's father, not Buck. Christopher already had a mother and Buck knew he didn't need another parent. Christopher didn't need him. Sure they bonded over trauma during and after the tsunami but that didn't mean anything. Buck had a lot of trauma he never spoke about. 

You know, that might be the reason he's standing outside of Eddie's house with tears streaming down his face and the incoherent screams from Eddie in the background as he walked down the driveway to his Jeep. He hadn't realized he was crying until he saw his own reflection in his rear view mirror. Buck couldn't stay here, at Eddie's but he also couldn't drive. I guess he'll have to sit in the Jeep until he can do something. Take a deep breath and- 

Eddie's POV: 

Christopher called Buck. Okay it's fine. Buck is like an uncle to Christopher. Well, actually he's more like his dad sometimes. Does Buck think he's like Chris's second parent?  I kind of hope he does .. Is that weird? It's totally weird. I mean Buck has always been there. Hell Christopher wouldn't be here today without Buck. 

Eddie's body shuddered at the thought as he took a seat at the table. He was too wrapped up in his own thoughts now to continue setting the table with Chimney. Why did Chris call Buck? Does he hate him so much that he called Buck instead? Did something happen to Christopher? Buck would tell him wouldn't he .? Of course Buck would. Buck knows he isn't Christopher's parent. Eddie has made that painstakingly clear to Buck during the lawsuit. Just the thought of that day made Eddie's blood run cold and his expression quickly blanked. His face usually became unreadable when it came to Buck. Eddie knew he hurt Buck in ways he never intended to and never apologized. The more Eddie thought about it Buck deserved an apology from all of them, especially Chimney. 

Chim: "Okay seriously earth to Diaz!" 

Eddie quickly glared at Chimney, rising from his seat and scoffing at the use of his last name. 

Chim: "And Eddie is back, only took four calls to get your attention finally! "

Eddie just rolled his eyes and continued to help set the table without responding. Chimney definitely hadn't called him four times.. had he? God Eddie needed to pull himself together if he was gonna finish his shift. They still had, 12 long and grueling hours ahead of them. 

Eddie was mostly silent during lunch, he found himself eyeing Buck the entire time. Waiting, gouging for a reaction for anything that would resemble a hint at what the call was about. A smile, and sigh, even a tear. Nothing, Buck was a stone wall and Eddie couldn't break him. Eddie, couldn't read him. This scared Eddie even more. He couldn't name a single time Buck had ever acted this way. So quiet, and disengaged. Even during the worst moments of Buck's life Eddie hadn't seen him silent like this. Buck was entirely different, he was.. well he was terrifying. 

The tones rang out about an hour after they had lunch, something about a cat? Eddie hadn't paid much attention. All he did was watch Buck, like some sort of puzzle or movie he was invested in. Eddie didn't let his mind wander to Buck's arms (his biceps, his forearms, his hands) or chest this time. All Eddie could focus on was Buck's face. His stone cold expression and the way his eyebrows were just slightly frayed in the middle of his forehead. God Eddie wanted to jump out of his seat in the engine and thumb at Buck's eyebrows until Buck did something.Did anything with his expression other than sit there, unreadable.

Eddie didn't understand why it shook him to his core. Being unable to read Buck's thoughts was terrifying to him. The only other time he had felt like this was after the Law-suit. Eddie wasn't allowed to speak with Buck or communicate with him in any way and it kills Eddie every moment he was away. Not in some weird domestic way of course, in a Buck had his back and he had Buck's kinda way? If that makes sense. Honestly Eddie can't explain it himself so hopefully that makes sense ..

They were all sitting in the common area after returning from the call. Eddie couldn't remember what they even did but Chimney and Hen couldn't stop giggling about something. A fat cat or something? Eddie wasn't paying attention. Instead he was just staring at Buck his hands folded nearly around his phone pretending to scroll but being unable to break his eyes away from Buck. Eddie couldn't even tell if Buck was texting someone or scrolling or maybe reading? God this sucked! Eddie always knew everything and now? Now all of the sudden it was like Buck was this new person he got stuck with and hadn't bonded with All over again!

Hen: "You two okay? Did you finally get together or something. You aren't talkin to each other."

Chim let out a giggle as hen pointed to Buck and Eddie. Of course she picked up on the weird tension in his shoulders and the anger filling his expression, which she somehow took as flirting? Eddie couldn't help but roll his eyes and cross his arms over his chest. That's some bullshit, come on Hen.

Buck: "What."

Hen: "Um.. You, and Eddie. You're both acting like someone died or something.."

Eddie: "I'm fine. And no we aren't together, I'm straight hen."

God how many times did he have to say this? He was married to a woman for Christ sake! Granted he always felt like he was performing which Hen informed him was 'not normal' but he always felt like that so obviously she was wrong. 

Hen: "You okay buck?"

Eddie glanced over to Buck, before thinking. He was curious about Buck's answer. Eddie wanted too bad for Buck to admit he wasn't okay, right there. Of course Buck wouldn't do that. Before another thought could form in his brain Buck's blue eyes met his. The ocean parted ways before the waves could crash down upon the calm ease of blue settled just beneath his skin. The hair on his arms standing straight up as the bright orbs consumed his very soul. Like an icicle to the heart his body froze, Eddie's honey filled gaze seeped deep into the sad blue before him. Begging him to say anything true. Anything deep and real, something utterly raw that needed to be shared. Instead Buck lied. 

Buck: "I'm great Hen, hey have you ever thought about all of gods creatures? I mean it's a crazy thought but hear me out. If God created heaven and hell for all of its creatures what gets a rabbit sent to hell? Can animals be sent to hell? Do they live by the same standards as us? Because if they do then all animals would go to hell for so many different sins. Like adultery or murder considering they kill to eat. Or was hell created as a barrier between all of life and humans? Is hell really that bad if all of God's creatures are destined to go there by God. Forever doomed to suffer because of the way he made them ?"

The room fell silent. That happened a lot after a statement from one of Buck's Wikipedia searches. Eddie wondered if Buck would ever be truthful to them about how he feels. Would they have to force it out of him one day? I'm sure that's not the case Buck would trust them enough one day right? Of course he would. . Okay fine maybe Eddie had his doubts, but Buck decided to lie today, so Eddie went along with it. What was he supposed to do? Call him out and push him further away. Eddie couldn't risk that. For some odd reason Eddie needs Buck like the air he breathed. Buck had to stay in Eddie's life, he craved buck in all ways that a platonic person should. Even if he wished Buck would hold him just slightly intimately once. Just once. That was normal for people to want, right? Of course. Everyone wanted to be loved by someone. God if everyone got to meet a Buck in their life they'd understand how much Buck is needed. How much Buck truly means. The word, name, phrase Buck wasn't enough. Buck was something that you could easily get addicted to if you allowed yourself too. Eddie let a smile cross his face at the thought of Buck, glancing over at him and rolling his eyes again to take the attention off of Buck and break the silence. 

Eddie: "is that why you've had that expression all day. You were thinking about rabbits committing adultery.?"

The room burst out in laughter. Buck included. It sounded crazy when he put it that way, but honestly that was the only part Eddie heard over his own thoughts of Buck. So he went with it. 

Buck: "Well when you put it like that-" 

Before anything else could be said, the tones rang. Off they were to god knows where for God knows what. Eddie rushed up out of his place and knocked shoulders with Buck as they geared up and got into the engine. This time beside each other like always and prepared to have each other's back in anyway necessary.