All Wounds Healed But Mine

Harry knew that things had to come to an end. Was expecting it from the beginning. It wasn’t long for Ron and Mione to start dating, not being able to hide it from Harry for even a day. Harry thought that was it, that was the end of them.

But the kisses didn’t stop.

Ron would still crawl into his space when they were alone, letting his hands wander, leaving Harry a mess, always wanting for one more kiss. He knew it was wrong, Mione was his best friend, and now Ron was her boyfriend. He knew it was wrong, but it was hard to say no when he knew this was all he could have.

Days, weeks, went by like that. Guilt a present weight on Harry’s back, dragging him down and tainting every moment with his friends. He had expected Ron to stop after a while, forgetting all about him, but he was oh so wrong. It seemed like Ron was growing more and more desperate for Harry’s kisses; what used to happen once every week became routine.

His mind made a decision, this couldn’t go on. It was too much. It was too wrong. Harry felt too guilty when looking at Hermione. Especially now, when it was only the three of them.

It was a rainy day, as it had to be. Water was pouring down, thunder and all, making the day look like night. It was unexpected, the day before the Sun was shining and burning, and today it was nowhere to be seen.

Harry could really sympathize with the Sun. He felt the same way, wishing he could hide away and forget all about his heart.

He couldn’t concentrate, Hermione’s voice was dull and distant as she explained something about the last potions class. Ron looked like he was paying attention, but he was only looking at her, not even glancing at the notes.

The library was too full for Harry’s taste. Too noisy. Every student seemed to decide that it was the perfect place to run away from the rain, but forgetting all about the silence required. It was almost impossible to hear his own thoughts.

He knew he was probably looking rather anxious, after all, Harry was never very good at hiding it from his friends. He was sure Hermione would’ve already noticed if she wasn’t too busy smiling at Ron. Ron, on the other hand, had a way of always knowing when Harry needed some grounding.

He slipped his hand under the table, finding Harry’s. The sudden movement made him almost jump on his chair, head snapping to look at Ron, but his eyes never left Mione.

“Harry.” Mione finally seemed to notice that he wasn’t acting like himself. “Are you even listening?”

“What?” Harry looked at her.

Mione gave him one of her exasperated sighs, while Ron laughed by his side.

“You do know that this will be on the test, right? Professor Slughorn was very adamant that we-”

“Sorry, Mione.” Harry interrupted her. “I’m not feeling very good, think I’ll skip the library today.”

Harry let his hand fall away from Ron’s, quickly piling his books and making his way to the corridor. He knew that they were watching him go; Hermione was probably worried, but Harry didn’t want to think about Ron’s expression. All he wanted was somewhere quiet and dark to be alone.

The rain only complicated his wishes, everywhere Harry went was full of people chattering. All the students and even teachers finding shelter inside, occupying all the crevices of the enormous castle. Harry was sure that the world was against him, it was completely impossible that there were people everywhere.

Finally, after wandering around for minutes and minutes, Harry relented and went back to his room. As expected, it was full.

He tossed his books on to his bed before promptly tossing himself into the pillows. He was cold and tired and grumpy, and worst of all, he was still feeling guilty. Harry pulled the map from under his pillow, hoping that it would give him an answer.

Just as he pulled his wand to tap it into life, Harry knew exactly where he should go. It was so obvious, and yet he had not thought of it. He wrapped himself on his warmest clothes, ignoring all the cheers from the room. At least, he thought, the boys seemed to be having a great day.

As Harry moved, the people around him made way. After so many years, most people had learned when Harry didn’t want company, and those that hadn’t learned were warned. It was the way he was alone, without his best friends, that gave it away.

It made it easy to go where he wanted, each corridor with less and less people. Then up the stairs, in which the groups were sitting, but the higher he went the emptier it got. Harry finally got to the top of it, opening the door that led to the owlery.

The water hit him with the breeze, but he was finally alone. Not even the owls had stayed there, they were not desperate enough to seek the rain, like Harry was.

He closed the door, quickly casting barriers to stop the rain from entering, but the floor was already flooded. Harry did his best to mop it away, but truth was that he didn’t care all that much. He could finally hear his own thoughts.

They were mean, he found. Kept telling him how he was getting in the way. Ruining something good. And how he was bad. It was as simple as that. There was no other explanation to why he couldn’t be happy for Ron and Hermione. Harry was a bad person who could not stand happiness. Who could not stand love.

Maybe he was jealous that they were able to find it, and he would never have it. Harry was sure he was incapable of falling in love. That he was greedy for taking Ron’s kisses and Hermione quiet moments of comfort. Harry knew he was taking something he didn’t deserve, the kisses were never meant for him, and the comfort was pity.

That 's all it was. And the truth was that Harry was greedy and bad.

But he didn’t want to be. He wanted to be good. Wanted to be worthy of the company he had. And that meant telling the truth and ending his selfish desire to keep holding Ron’s hand and taking the cups of tea Mione always made for him, because after he told her, Harry knew she would never look at him again.

Harry wanted to be good, even if that meant he would be alone.

The rain wasn’t as strong as before, it seemed to have lost all its will to fall. It was sad and dull, just water falling from the sky. It made Harry feel very small, especially from so up on the tower. The world felt very big, too big for someone so small to be so alone. But that wouldn’t change his mind, Harry would do what he had to do, because he wanted to be good. No matter what.

The door of the owlery opened slowly, making too much noise. Harry looked back to see Hermione peeking inside, a small smile on her lips. It was the smile she gave him when she was relieved to have found him. It was soft and full of emotion, it showed that she was looking for him and Harry loved it.

Today, however, it hurt.

Hermione let herself in, closing the door behind her and moving to sit right in front of Harry. She looked at the sky, testing to see if the water would hit her, curious about the spell he had cast.

“Want to tell me what happened?” She said quietly.

Harry didn’t answer. He knew what he had to say, but it was hard mustering the courage.

“Harry.” She looked at him.

As Harry let himself look back, he couldn’t answer. She was beautiful. Harry always knew that, but every once in a while he was taken by surprise. There was something about her that he couldn’t quite understand, but it made his heart melt and it made him want to wrap his arms around her and stay there.

Mione had always been his safe spot. She had always welcomed him and hugged him. Harry couldn’t remember if he had been hugged before her, but he could remember every single time she hugged him.

He wondered if he ever hugged back. He really hoped so, he didn’t want to regret anything more.

Mione smiled at him again, softly laying her hand on top of his. Harry knew his face wasn’t soft, or inviting, but that didn’t seem to stop her from getting close.

“Mione.” He breathed out, the word coming out strangled.

She pulled him into her arms. It wasn’t strong, she was simply tugging him, but Harry went willingly. He hugged her tight, trying to bury himself in Mione’s arms.

Her arms weren’t that tight against him, and that said all that Harry needed to know. But she let him hug her, and she let him stay there. Mione ran her hands along his spine, soothing him and guiding his breath.

“Harry,” She started. “I think I know what this is about.”

His heart stopped with a bang.

“Ron told me how you’ve been distant lately, and” Her breath was ragged, her words strained. “If you don’t want it, if you don’t want us anymore, that’s ok.”

Harry pulled away from her arms, eyes wide and mouth hanging. He couldn’t keep up with what she was saying, but Mione’s eyes were full of sadness, even if she was still smiling.

Almost shyly, very slowly, her hand came up to his cheek. Even slower, she closed the distance between the two of them. Hermione was kissing him, as softly as she always was.

It was just a peck and she was pulling away, but for Harry it wasn’t enough. He chased after her, kissing her with a want that she could barely keep up. Harry was holding her face, deepening the kiss, wanting her and her and more of her.

Hermione was clinging to him, pulling him close and searching with her hands for everywhere she could reach. She was messy and desperate, but not as much as Harry, who was kissing all of her. Her lips, her cheeks, down to her neck, on the side of her hands, before looking at her and falling all over again.

Harry couldn’t remember how it had started, or her exact words, all he knew was that she was completely wrong. The world seemed upside down, if Hermione Granger was wrong. But Harry was sure she was wrong, just as he was sure he would never be good.

That, however, didn’t feel wrong.

Harry was coming to terms with some truths: Mione was wrong, he was bad and the kisses were something he would never give up.

Especially as Hermione pulled away, breath short and hands holding him tight, just to pull him into another kiss. And again.