You don't have to hold me anymore

Regulus ~

Once they’d gotten to the ship, Effy and a few other older Potter’s handed out the room keys to everyone. Regulus had gravitated to Pandora on instinct, only to receive a “discreet” head shake. James put his hand on Regulus’ shoulder, as a quick reminder of his current predicament.

“Okay,” one of James’ older aunts stepped forward, commanding everyone's attention. “Unpack your stuff, explore, do as you please, just everyone stick to the dinner plans on the cruise itinerary. There’s only one dinner, you miss it - you miss it.” Regulus appreciated her straight forwardness, most Potter’s watered down things to leave space for freedom. “And don’t disturb the other families.” She finished before strolling off with her bags floating behind her.

“Want me to unpack our stuff so you can go off with your friends? I know you wanted to room with Pandora, so it’s the least I can do.” James asked, though Regulus could tell he didn’t actually want to do it all on his own.

“I’d rather unpack my own things. I can see Dora later.” Regulus replied, attempting to pick his bag up and failing. Regulus pulled his wand out to levitate his bags but James had other plans, carrying both Regulus and his own bags to the room. He was clearly struggling but Regulus let him continue, knowing he was only doing it because he felt like he owed him something.

They walked to their room in silence… well, as silent as you can get with James awkwardly struggling behind Regulus. Regulus would be lying if he said he opened the door as fast as he could. He may or may not have dropped the keys a couple times.

The room was relatively small, but classy. The walls were white with cream coloured patterns lining the roof. All the furniture in the room was either cream, white or brown. Regulus noticed how out of place James looked in the monochromatic room. They both started unpacking in an uncomfortable tense sort of silence, Regulus didn’t know why but something was hindering them. Maybe it was the room, or maybe James was finally realising just how long two weeks is.

Though James wasn’t saying anything, Regulus would catch him looking at him every few minutes. Each time he did, James looked as if he wanted to say something but never did. Normally Regulus enjoys silences, but this one was just irritating.

“James-“

“I was thinking-“

“No.” Regulus stopped him immediately, “Last time you ‘thought’ - and I use that word very lightly - I got pulled into a fake relationship.” Regulus didn’t even bother looking up

“It’s not that bad this time… I think.” James assured.

“What do you want?” Regulus asked, shifting his full attention to James.

“You know how we are like, a couple…” James switched to whispering, “for the next two weeks.” Regulus couldn’t help but laugh at how secretive he was even in the confines of their private room.

Regulus casted a muffling spell on the room to give him some peace of mind, “Yes, I’m aware. I didn’t somehow forget it in the five minutes it took us to walk here.” Regulus rolled his eyes.

“Well, you know couples… they tend to be more touchy than friends are.” James explained, beating around the bush of his main point.

“Again, I’m aware. I’ve held your hand exactly three times, have I not?” Regulus pointed out. He’d been more lenient with touch then he intended to be, was James not aware of this?

“Yes and you’ve been really convincing… Thank you.” James turned back to his clothes.

“Is that all you wanted to say? All that build up for a thank you?” Regulus asked, still turned completely to James.

“There’s more but I decided against it, don’t worry.” James assured but it was obvious he still wanted to say the rest.

“Tell me.” Regulus pressed.

“No, it’s not important. I’m being paranoid.” James swore.

“You don’t know that unless you tell me first.” Regulus reasoned with him.

“It’s just… you know, eventually someone might point out we don’t touch each other enough.” James explained, his cheeks tinted burgundy.

“That’s entirely possible. What are you suggesting?” Regulus asked.

“I’m not saying we’ll have to… but just in case it ever comes up… not that it would, but it could. And, you know, it’s better to be prepared, right?” James stuttered over himself.

“Are you going to tell me or not?” Regulus sighed.

“Maybe, we should kiss.” Regulus felt his body go stiff, “As a practice! In case it ever comes up! I didn’t mean to scare you off, it just might come up and it’s better to be prepared, right?” James ran through his words at the speed of light, but Regulus couldn’t hear him.

‘He wants to kiss me?’ Is all Regulus could think. He’d spent all his teenage years daydreaming about this, and now James was just offering it to him. He could. But it would be wrong, wouldn’t it? James is doing this to make up for his dumb mistakes… but Regulus…

What would Dorcas say? She’s normally his voice of reason, bloody hell if that sod Marlene hadn’t taken her for the Hols she’d be here. She’d probably call him an idiot for saying yes to this whole thing in the first place. But he’s in it now so what next.

He’s already done something she’d vouch against, so next stop is Pandora… Oh Salazar, they’d tell him the stars or fates wanted this. They’d have a point, all these years and it still rolled back to James. Who is he to deny the fates? Clearly everything’s pointing to James… more specifically his lips but that distinction isn’t important.

Oh, but Evan would point out how badly this could end. James is going to end this in two weeks and go on with his life like nothing happened. Regulus on the other hand is going to be scrubbing these memories from his mind to preserve his own sanity. Merlin, how much harder will that be when not only his mind holds these memories of James, but his lips.

But Bart would point out how if he was going to have to scrub these memories from his mind anyways, why not at least let himself enjoy it. It’s not like he hadn’t already given himself over to James. Bloody hell, he knows what it feels like to wake up in his arms! So really, how far off is kissing? James’ hands have already left permanent indents on his own hands, making spaces no one else's hands could fill. Regulus will never find a home as warm as James’ arms.

But, Dorcas would reason that this will only further his fall back into his feelings for James. But was that not inevitable? It’s only been a day and he’s already etched his presence into Regulus’ mind. James has two weeks, he’s only going to do more and more damage. Who is Regulus to fight this, he’s only a man. Regulus was foolish if he thought he was going to survive this without falling right back into James. James was a waterfall, Regulus has been falling since the day they’d met. He can’t climb back up, he tried that already and now he’s back here.

This time he’ll let himself fall. Hell, he’ll even aid the fall. He’ll let James run through him. He’ll let him make it impossible for anyone to fill the space in his heart again. He’ll do all this but let himself keep these weeks of bliss. He’s only a man, who is he to fight this?

“I know it’s a bit outlandish, trust me, I realise that! I was just thinking - before you say ‘oh no’, let me finish - I was just thinking that if it does come up at least we’d be prepared, we’d have a bit of practice so it’s not completely see through. And-”

“Okay.” Regulus cut him off.

“Okay?” James asked.

“You’re right, it might come up. It’s better to be prepared. It’s just a kiss.” Regulus felt his mind spiral.

It’s just a kiss.

It’s just a kiss.

It’s just a kiss.

“Are you sure? I don’t want to force you to do anything just because I’m paranoid.” James looked like he was already regretting kissing Regulus, and he hadn’t even bloody done it yet.

“You’re not forcing me. I agree with you.” Regulus felt a wave of guilt rush over him. James has no idea what Regulus feels, this must be wrong to some extent. “But, if you’re unsure, there are other ways to skip around the topic of kissing. We don’t owe anyone anything, we don’t have to prove ourselves to them-”

“No! I mean- No, I want to do it. It’s better to be prepared, right?” James smiled sheepishly.

“If you’re sure.” Regulus stated but left a question in the air James could never answer.

“I’m sure.” James answered.

The two sat by their bags in silence, neither sure what to say after agreeing to do something neither of them could’ve predicted would happen. James got up first, crossing the space between Regulus and himself. Regulus met him halfway, then immediately regretted meeting him halfway. They both stood there awkwardly in the middle of the room just staring at each other.

Correction: Regulus stood there staring. James looked anywhere but Regulus.

‘You can still stop this.’ He told himself. He could, he knew he could. He knew it was probably better to end it here than continue… but he also knew it’d keep him up at night if he didn’t. This wasn’t wrong was it? James wanted to do this. Why does it still feel wrong?

Regulus’ thoughts were cut off by James’ movements, grabbing onto his arms stiffly. “What are you doing?” Regulus asked, he couldn’t stop the smile that plagued his lips.

“I’m not entirely sure…” James looked completely out of his depths.

“Potter, have you never kissed someone before?” Regulus teased.

“What? No, no, I have.” Regulus gave him a look of uncertainty. “I have!” James defended himself.

“Did you hold all of them at arms length as if they were an active bomb?” Regulus smirked.

“No.” James threw his head back taking in an exasperated breath. “I’ve just never kissed a boy before…” James said it as if he’d missed out on an important staple in every young person's life. “Peter doesn’t count!” He exclaimed.

“You kissed Pettigrew?!” Regulus couldn’t help but laugh.

“We were drunk! You can’t hold that against us!” James sighed, actively fighting back his smile.

“You’ve snogged girls before though, right?” Regulus asked.

“Yes, of course. Reg, I was captain of the quidditch team.” He grinned at him as if that meant something. “Of course I’ve snogged girls before!” Regulus wasn’t sure what that had to do with captaincy, he was captain in 6th year and no girls snogged him. To be fair he did actively avoid any romantic touch from women.

“Well, this is the exact same as that.” Regulus told him.

“No it isn’t.” James was very sure on his point.

“It quite literally is. Only difference is, I’m a guy.” Regulus rolled his eyes.

“It’s not that you’re a guy, I could snog a guy and it’d be just like snogging a girl. But it’s different, you’re you.” James explained. Regulus couldn't help the wave of jealousy that rushed over him. For any other guy it’d be normal… of course Regulus is the outlier.

“We shouldn’t do this.” Regulus cut in.

“What? No, no, I’m not saying I don’t want to, I'm just saying I might be a bit awkward at first.” Well, Regulus tried. James wanted this, why deny him?

“Okay.” Regulus answered.

“Okay?” James repeated.

Regulus just nodded, letting James take the lead. James held onto his arms stiffly and slowly moved in. He craned his head rigidly, leaning down to place a small peck to Regulus’ lips. He pulled back quickly. Regulus couldn’t help but laugh at James, he was treating Regulus as if he’ll die if he gets too close to him.

“You’re laughing? Why are you laughing?” James looked embarrassed, Regulus almost felt bad for him.

“‘Cause that wasn’t a kiss!” Regulus laughed, “You came in all scared for a peck! You can’t blame me for laughing, Potter!” It was pathetic, but Regulus still felt his stomach taking flight.

“You know, it’d help if you didn’t call me Potter! Or if you actually tried to kiss back! You just stood there!” James defended himself.

“I didn’t want to scare you off.” Regulus laughed, shrugging James’ hands off of him, falling back onto the bed. “Merlin, I feel bad for all the girls you’ve supposedly ‘kissed’. I feel bad for Pettigrew!” Regulus teased.

“Oh, bugger off!” James laughed. “It’s not normally like that, I swear.”

“Did it scare you ‘cause I’m a guy? Need me to snog some random sod to show you the ropes.” Regulus joked.

James’ face fell slack, “Godrick, no. Why would you even suggest that?” James sounded genuinely offended, Regulus tried to think back on what he said to find out what would possibly cause that reaction.

“I was kidding, James. Though it would do you some good to watch and learn.” Regulus teased, trying to lighten the mood again.

“No it wouldn’t. I don’t need to see you with another guy to know how to kiss.” James replied sternly.

“Clearly you do! You know I saw this one guy when we were walking in-”

“I was just nervous!” He swore. “Let me try again!”

“Bloody hell, give it a rest. We can deflect any kissing related topics if they come up. You don’t need to keep proving to me, you don’t know how to kiss.” Regulus joked.

“I swear I was nervous. Let me try again.” James stood taller, holding his hand out to him.

“Merlin, do you really need to prove yourself this much?” Regulus took his hand, helping himself up. “You know it really isn’t this serious.” James held onto his arms, pulling him into him. “I was joking when I said you couldn’t kiss. You don’t have to take it to heart-” Regulus was cut off by James’ hair brushing against his forehead.

Regulus looked up into his eyes, they were a deep brown, with the slightest bit of green and golden flecks flying through them, so big and earnest. He looked down at him with determination but when his eyes met Regulus’, his face softened, all the hard lines mellowed out. For a second Regulus felt everything shift, the room expanded leaving him and James in some empty plain of existence where it was just the two of them. James pulled Regulus in closer to him, slightly dipping his head to catch Regulus’ lips in between his own.

James deepened the kiss, pulling Regulus in by his waist, holding him tightly into him. Regulus drew in a sharp breath at the feeling of his chest pressed against James’. He let his hand travel up James arm, resting on his neck, closing any sort of gap that would’ve been there. He let his other hand fall softly onto James’ arm. James’ grip on Regulus’ waist tightened, holding him in place. Regulus could feel the blood rushing in his head.

Regulus pulled back, not wanting to let himself in too deep, but James followed his lips, chasing after him, pulling him in from his waist. Regulus could say he fought back and continued to pull away, but that would be a lie. Instead he pulled himself closer to James, leaving no room for air. James didn’t seem to mind, not one bit.

James’ hand moved from Regulus’ arm to his face, caressing his cheek as he kissed him. He let his fingers streak along Regulus’ jawline, slipping his tongue past Regulus’ lips. Regulus would like to say he moved away immediately, but again, that would be a lie. Regulus leaned into James, welcoming his intrusion. Regulus’ swears his heart skipped a few beats. James hummed into his lips-

In too deep, definitely in too deep.

Regulus pulled back, James followed his lips again but this time Regulus didn’t give in. “I think we passed the test, no one will see past that.” Regulus let out a breathy laugh, tapping James on the chest before pulling himself from him.

“Yeah, definitely.” James laughed but was staring at Regulus’ lips.

“I should probably go find Pandora, I told them we’d scope the place out together.” Regulus lied, pressing himself up against the door.

“Yeah, uh- I’ll see you, then?” James seemed to snap out of the trance he was in. Merde, is that what Pettigrew got?

Regulus left the room, slamming the door behind him, Pandora was waiting up the hall for him. He contemplated running to them but didn’t want to look stupid. He settled on very fast paced walking to them.

“Reggie!” They threw their arms around him the second he reached them. “I missed you. Peter’s cool but I missed you.” They exclaimed before reeling back and taking another look at him, “You’re very red right now, are you feeling okay?” They asked, holding his face in their hands.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m okay… I think?” He guessed.

“What happened?” They asked, pulling him along by the arm as they walked.

“He kissed me. Or I kissed him? I’m not sure. We kissed each other but not really?” Regulus was confusing himself.

“What?!” Pandora yelled. “Oh my gods-” they picked up the pace pulling him along behind them, “We need Evan.” They decided.

“Do I get a choice in this?” He asked.

“Of course not! Merlin and Morgana! You kissed James Potter!” They squealed.

He kissed James Potter.