It was the holiday season again. At first, the whole castle would bustle with energy, all the young witches and wizards excited to go home for the holidays. But, once they left, the mood always changed to something more somber. All the students left were those unable to go home to their families (or unwilling). It always sounded fun at first, having the whole castle practically empty of students and staff, not to mention not having any classes for weeks. She always looked forward to it each year, being able to explore the castle without restriction or interruption, but when the actual day came, it all came crashing back down. Spending the holidays alone, no family with you, friends gone back home to their own families, was a special kind of torture. It was just silence for hours on end. She could hear nothing but her own thoughts.
The only other Gryffindor in her year staying at school was Sirius, which made everything worse. Had it been someone else - anyone else - she might have managed. Other people she could at least make conversation with, possibly end the break with a new friend. But it could never happen, not with Sirius.
Each day was a repeat of the last. She woke up late, having no reason to go down to the meal hall for breakfast: there would be no mail for her whatsoever. Sure, she had friends, and each of them would write when they could, but it was a busy time for everyone, and she couldn’t expect them to waste their time with their family thinking about her. She lost track of time, never knowing what day it was. It wasn’t like she had anyone to celebrate the holidays with anyways.
It was close to noon when she finally woke up, and even later when she made her way down from the dorms. In the common room, she found Sirius sitting on the sofa, looking straight at her.
“Well you slept in,” Sirius said, a teasing tone beneath his voice.
“So what,” she grumbled back.
“I haven’t seen you around much. I didn’t know you were staying at school for break first.”
She ignored him, continuing to make her way to the entrance of the commons.
“Why don’t you stay and have dinner with me sometime? We could go up to the astronomy tower, dance under the moonlight,” he teased.
She couldn’t stop her face from turning bright pink. It had been just in their second year when it happened, and Sirius found her journal, filled with the fantasies of any young girl. Ever since, he had taken any chance he could to bring it up and tease her about it. It could be considered friendly teasing, sure, but that didn’t make her any less embarrassed, nor did it make her hate it any less. Ever since then, she had vowed to not get close to him, and to avoid him at all costs.
Before Sirius had a chance to continue, she was gone, out into the halls.
—
Midway through break, she found herself going down to the dining hall during dinner for the first time. She was hungry, and didn’t feel like asking a house elf to bring her food, nor did she want to wait until everyone had left the dining hall to grab herself something. When she made it into the hall, Sirius was sitting at the end Gryffindor table, much to her dismay.
She did her best to avoid him, grabbing a plate and piling it with food, making sure there was enough extra for a midnight snack. Right as she was about to leave, walking past the end of the table where Sirius sat, she was stopped.
“Hey,” Sirius called out, “Why don’t you join me for dinner?”
“No thanks,” she said, just wanting to escape back to her room.
“Really? Why not?” Sirius asked, standing up from his plate and walking over to her. “All of your friends are out of town and so are mine. It's just common sense. Plus we’ve been classmates for years, but we’ve never really talked.”
“Yeah, I wonder why,” she mumbled to herself. “Just leave me alone, okay? I’m perfectly happy eating on my own,” she said, trying to walk away from Sirius. But, she was pulled backward by a hand grabbing her by the wrist, stopping her from leaving.
“What was that?’ Sirius asked, his tone immediately changing.
“What?” she said, feigning ignorance as she yanked her arm back away from Sirius’s now loose grip.
“You winced. When I grabbed you.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she snapped back, voice trembling as she spoke. She ran away before Sirius had a chance to respond.
—
That evening, she couldn’t take it any longer. During the school year, it was much more difficult, having to sneak away from her friends and classmates, making sure there was no one else in the bathroom when she pulled out the blade. She hated long breaks, but at the very least it was less stressful when she relapsed, knowing she could stay in her own bedroom and not have any chance of someone walking in on her.
Despite having the skill to heal herself, to charm the blood away and never have to clean up after, she never chose to. There was something comforting about holding the towels against her arms, watching the blood seep through them. With everyone gone from the school, there was none of the usual sense of urgency, knowing that she had to be fast, get it over with and clean the blood away before anyone had a chance to see.
Then, right as she was pulling away the towel, taking the blade to her arm yet again, there was a thump against the door.
“Hey uh,” a voice said. Sirius’s voice. “Today, in the dining hall, you just ran off really fast. What happened?”
Now wasn’t the time for this. She had gotten clumsy. Blood stained her bedsheets, and dripped down her arm onto her pants. There was no hiding this from Sirius. Not unless she could get him to leave.
“Stop being so annoying and leave me alone,” she snapped. It felt strange, talking that way after the conversation they had that morning, but she didn’t know how else to get him to leave. He had to leave.
“So,” Sirius hummed, “You’re not gonna invite me in then?”
“Of course not!”
“You never answered my question. What was that this morning? I got worried.”
She said nothing in response. After nearly five minutes of silence, she brought the blade back to her arm, assuming that Sirius had given up and left. Just as the blade rested against her arm, and she began pulling downward, Sirius spoke again. Panic seized her entire chest as she jumped from the sudden noise. She couldn’t hear what he had said, too focused on her arm, where the knife had been pulled too suddenly, too harshly, too fast. Then, her arm was on fire, blood spilling everywhere. She couldn’t hold back her choked sob.
“I’m coming in, okay?” Sirius said, his voice muffled. She tried protesting, saying anything to stop him, but nothing came out. She couldn’t speak.
The room was silent. She couldn’t help but hold her breath, staring wide eyed at Sirius who was now standing in the doorframe, his eyes glued to her arm.
“That- That’s why,” Sirius whispered, voice cracking, connecting the dots together in his head. Sirius took a step further into the room, and she shrunk further into her bed, as if she were trying to make herself invisible. “You’re bleeding a lot,” he said, trying to reach out for her arm, only for her to pull away with a hiss of pain.
“Leave. Please,” She whispered, pleading with Sirius, not wanting him to see her like this.
Shaking his head, Sirius pulled the towel tighter around her arm, slowing the blood.
“Come on,” Sirius said, gently pulling her up from the bed and guiding her out of the dorm room.
“Where are we goin’” she mumbled.
“My dorm. To get dittany.”
Sirius’s arm wrapped tight around her shoulders, holding her against him as they made their way down the spiral staircase. Making their way back up the staircase into the boys dorms was more difficult and took at least twice as long. When they finally made it up to Sirius’s dorm, she had absolutely no energy left, and fell straight onto Sirius’s bed. Before long, Sirius was peeling the towel away from her arm and dabbing dittany over the wounds. She hated being healed with magic, but at the moment, she didn’t have it in her to protest. Sirius’s hand rested against her arm, high enough to avoid the injured areas. It was warm, and comforting. She couldn’t remember the last time someone had touched her like that. With such a simple gesture, a hand rested over her arm, Sirius had held her steady, calmed the panic in her chest.
When Sirius pulled away, unable to think of an excuse to keep standing there any longer, it was her turn to grab him and prevent him from running away. Her grip on his wrist was weak, but he didn’t try to pull away or escape.
“Stay,” she rasped. Her voice was desperate, but she didn’t care.
“Okay,” Sirius said with a sigh, giving her a weak smile. Sitting down at the foot of the bed, Sirius was careful to leave space between them and not touch her, much to her dismay.
After a long moment of silence, Sirius finally spoke.
“Why do you do it?” he asked.
She didn’t know how to answer.
With her lack of response, Sirius continued, “What can I do to make you stop?”
“You can’t,” she whispered back.
“How can I help you then? If I can’t make you stop, at least tell me how to make you feel better for a little bit,” he pleaded, tears brimming in his eyes.
She contemplated for a moment, gathering the courage to answer Sirius.
“Can I- Can you-” she tried saying, but the words came out half formed.
“What do you need?”
“A hug.”
Carefully, Sirius made his way over, sitting down on the bed right next to her and pulling her tight into his chest. Her entire body trembled, tears soaking the shoulder of Sirius’s shirt where she had buried her face, but Sirius didn’t let go.
“You’ll be okay,” he whispered, an attempt at small reassurance. “It’ll be okay. It’ll get better.”
“But what if it doesn’t? It never has before,” She said through her tears.
“It will. I promise. You have me know, how could it not?” he said, letting out a slightly forced laugh. Through it all, he never let go.
“How about you stay here tonight. I know it’s awfully lonely in an empty dorm.”
“M’kay,” she mumbled, agreeing without any hesitation.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Sirius asked.
She didn’t speak or even move. She always wanted someone she could talk about these things with, someone to be there for her, but now that the moment was here, she wasn’t sure she could do it. There weren’t the right words to describe what she wanted to say.
“You don’t have to if you don’t want, but… I’d like to hear it if you’re willing,” Sirius continued. “Did something bad happen that led to this?”
“Nothing different than usual,” she finally mumbled. “It gets worse sometimes, but it never really stops. Even when nothing bad has happened at all.”
“You’ve been doing this a while, haven’t you,” Sirius said, more a statement than a question. There was an indescribable sadness on his face, deep concern even.
All she could do was nod.
“Is it usually that… Bad?” Sirius asked, for lack of other phrasing.
“No. I- uh… you spooked me. My hand slipped.”
Sirius looked distraught. The tears brimming in his eyes spilled over, falling down his cheeks, and he pulled the girl even tighter to his chest, as if he would never let go. This time, Sirius’s tears soaked her shirt instead of the other way around. The whole time, he kept repeating ‘I’m sorry,’ over and over.
“It’s not your fault. You didn’t know,” she said, attempting to comfort Sirius.
Her arms wrapped around his back rubbing comforting circles against Sirius’s back as Sirius continued crying, clenching the front of her shirt into fists. They didn’t leave each other's sides for the rest of the night.
Sirius was the first to fall asleep, the remainder of his weight being relinquished to her. Carefully, she laid down alongside Sirius, trying not to wake him as she pulled a blanket over them both. It was peaceful, hearing his gentle breaths as her head rested against his chest. At first she was worried, laying so close to him, not wanting him to wake up in the morning and be upset with her. She had to remind herself, he hadn’t meant to fall asleep so close to her: he had just been too exhausted to stop himself. When she began to pull away, a steady arm wrapped around her back, pulling her back in close to Sirius’s chest.
It was hard to sleep for the rest of the night. The usual stinging of her arm that lulled her to sleep was entirely absent thanks to the dittany. None of the new injuries would even scar now, having been healed instantaneously. She hated the thought, but pushed it aside for another day. Now, she was laying in bed with Sirius, practically cuddling. It was too precious a moment to waste on those thoughts, or even to waste on sleeping. Occasionally, Sirius’s hand would move up and down her back, sending shocks of electricity up and down her entire spine. She was so unused to being touched like this, it nearly made her cry. She never wanted it to end. Knowing the morning was bound to come, Sirius was bound to leave and they were bound to go back to the way they had been for years before terrified her. As she fell asleep, small marks of tears stained the chest of Sirius’s shirt.
—
When she woke up, it was warm. Warmer than it ever was in her own dorm. It took a moment to register that Sirius was still next to her. His arm was no longer wrapped around her back as it had been what felt like just moments ago, and instead he was sitting up in bed, flipping through a book.
“Morning sleepyhead,” he said with a smile. “Merry Christmas.”
She looked up at him, startled. “You’re kidding.”
“Nope. It’s definitely Christmas. How does breakfast sound?”
She shrugged. “I could eat,” she mumbled. “I gotta go to my dorm and get clothes.”
“Nah,” Sirius said, brushing her off. “No offense, but I’m not leaving you alone after last night.”
“But-” she tried protesting. “I'm in short sleeves, they’ll ask questions, and my pants are still-”
Sirius interrupted her, hopping off the bed and pulling her up with him. “You can borrow these,” he said, tossing a hoodie and sweatpants at her.
“Why do you have muggle clothes? Isn’t your family all… prestigious?”
“Well I have to have something to wear when I sneak out to hogsmeade, don’t I?” Sirius gave a little smile, turning away as she changed. “Ya’know, we could go to hogsmeade tonight if you’d like. No one will notice.”
“Why would we do that?”
“You’re telling me you don’t want to fulfill your dreams and go out on a date on a snowy night? Maybe throw a candle-lit dinner in there.”
Her face turned bright pink, but it wasn’t nearly as bad as the other times Sirius teased her. This time seemed more playful, yet also genuine at the same time. Like he actually wanted to do the things he joked about.
Sirius's clothes were large on her, the pants having to be tied up, and the hoodie swallowing her whole. It was comfortable, soft over her frequently injured skin. It was a foreign feeling. Despite now being fully healed and having regained much-needed rest, Sirius still stayed by her side, guiding her as they walked down the spiraling staircase from the boys' dorms.
In the meal hall, the Gryffindor table was practically empty, and it was as if they had the whole hall to themselves with how spaced out each small cluster of people was. As they began fixing plates, something dawned on her.
“You have a brother, don’t you,” she said. “Why isn’t he here?”
“He’s home for Christmas.”
“Why aren’t you?”
“What’s the point? Even if they did want me there, it would just be to try and convert me back to their ways,” he said with a hint of anger underneath his voice, directed at who he was talking about rather than her.
“It’s not the same but… I think I get what you mean. It’s easier to stay here than to go home, even if it sucks,” she responded.
“Who said it has to suck? It can be fun so long as you have someone with you to hang out with,” Sirius responded, bumping her shoulder with his own.
—
That night, Sirius dragged her out to a section of the castle she had never explored before. After following him through a suspicious passage, she found herself somewhere entirely new. Reaching down a hand, Sirius helped her up out of the passage and into the basement.
“What did I tell you,” he said with a smirk, as they walked up the stairs and found themselves in honeydukes. It was more difficult not getting caught, as the store had no customers in it, but with the employee distracted in the back room, they managed to sneak out.
“It’s beautiful out here,” she whispered. Snow lightly fell upon the ground, and with how close they were to a full moon, it was bright enough outside even with practically all the business shops being turned off. They walked arm in arm, trudging through the snow, not talking. The silence was pleasant rather than awkward as she would have expected it to be.
Then, Sirius reached into his pocket, pulling something out, and handing it to her.
“Merry Christmas,” he said.
As she unwrapped it, now being able to tell that it had been wrapped in a napkin, her brow furrowed. “Is this…” she began saying, “Is this a leftover cookie from dinner.”
“Yup,” Sirius said, smiling, looking incredibly proud of himself. “It’s a perfect Christmas dessert, not to mention I didn’t have any other ideas of what to get you.”
“You weren’t supposed to get me something,” she said, taking a bite out of her cookie despite her words.
“I couldn’t let someone like you go without a christmas gift, now could I?”
“What about you then? Don’t you need a gift?”
“Who said I didn’t get myself a Christmas gift as well,” he said, reaching into his other pocket and pulling out a second cookie.
She couldn’t help but laugh.
—
That night, they both were slow to come back to the castle, slow to return to the Gryffindor tower, slow to leave the common room. Neither of them wanted the day to end. When Sirius could no longer ignore his exhaustion, he finally spoke up about it.
“Do you want to stay with me tonight?” he asked. He wasn’t sure what he would do if she said no, and a nervous pit grew in his stomach just thinking about it. Then, she wordlessly nodded, and it all faded away. “Come on, I’m tired,” he said, standing up from the sofa and reaching out towards her. She set her hand loosely in his, and followed up the stairs.
In the dorm, she found herself back in Sirius’s bed, more comfortably this time. It was strange, having her arms bare in front of someone else. Sometimes it was even strange having her arms bare just with herself. This time as they laid together, there wasn’t the urgency of the night prior, nor was there the sheer weight of it all. This time was soft, gentle, purposeful. When Sirius climbed underneath the covers next to her, she immediately gravitated towards him, seeking his warmth, and he seemed to not mind at all. The only light was what filtered in through the window, and even with their faces inches away from each other, they could barely see one another.
Sirius’s hands absentmindedly drifted down to her arms. At first, she nearly pulled away, not wanting him to feel the scars, the skin too sensitive and unused to any touch. But, she couldn’t bring herself to do it. Not when his hands were so gentle and comforting. Instead, she relinquished herself to him, letting him examine the entire expanse of skin with his fingertips.
“You know, it was nice seeing you happy today. I want to see you that way more often.”
She couldn’t say anything in response. She didn’t know how to respond. He was right - she had been happier today than she’d been in a long time, and she wanted to feel that way more often too. For lack of words, she scooted forward, nodding as she buried her face in his chest.
Despite her lack of response, Sirius continued talking, filling the silence of the too-large room.
“You don’t usually heal them, do you?” he whispered, as his fingers skimmed over a particularly prominent scar.
“I don’t like being healed with magic,” she whispered back.”I don’t like the scars going away. It’s like nothing bad happened then, so I gotta do it more to make up for the scars that disappeared.”
“I wish I’d known,” Sirius responded.
“You did the best you could’ve. I- I think that one was bad enough that leaving it could’a been dangerous.”
“Isn’t it always dangerous? I mean, you’re cutting yourself,” he said.
She shrugged. She never really thought of it that way. At some point, it had become normal to her. Just another part of life.
“I know it's hard. It’s… It’s like an addiction. You can’t just tell an alcoholic to stop drinking. There’s no point, but… Please try to not do this anymore. Come to me if it’ll help. Anything other than this.”
“I don’t think I can quit. Not all at once at least.” She was silent for a moment, waiting before she continued. “I’ll try. I promise.” She couldn’t promise to get better all at once, and she couldn’t promise to not do it again. But she could promise to try, and that was better than any other promise she could make, because it wasn’t just empty words.
“Thank you,” he whispered back.