The night was cold.
Rigel wrapped the blanket tighter around herself, but didn't call on her magic. Something about the physicality of the fabric gave her some assurance. It reminded her she was safe, in her bed, in the hospital wing; Reminded her she had a blanket to cuddle in in the first place, and let her feel the fresh, chilling air enough that she didn't think of the suffocating underground prison that haunted her whenever she let her mind drift from what was in front of her.
She could endure a bit of cold for that.
The resultant whistling in her ears was curious enough to distract. Enough to be helpful.
Rigel listened to it until she could no longer stay awake, until sleep forced her into a world beyond her making, for all that it was her subconscious that made it.
And for all that it was a figment of her thoughts, a mere construct she should have had no trouble over controlling, her dreams took her back in the ground.
"No... no… please. No more." She gasped, over and over when the pain had addled her brain enough, "Please just— it's not doing anything anyway… stop. Please."
Pettigrew only growled.
Another whoosh of cold air shuddered her awake. Almost perfunctory, Rigel looked around to make sure no one was awake and watching before burying her head in her pillow.
How am I going to go home this summer? She thought with no small amount of frustration. I can't be like this.
They'll see right through me.
They couldn't. She had to— she would just get over it, that's all. It wasn't… it wasn't going to be like this forever, right? So she could just… hurry it up, a bit.
Somewhat reassured and more than half incredulous at herself, she murmured the steps to brewing Amortentia to herself to fall asleep more peacefully. It was a potion that didn't trigger any bad memories, since she hadn't had any of it in her kit during her stint underground, and was unfamiliar enough for her to think a bit about each step.
It was distracting.
A small part of her wondered if that was all the world was going to be, now.
The rest of her didn't care.
The raw, early rays of dawn did little to tide the cold, but a lot of good for her heart. The light gave her more hope, more of a view, more direction.
It reminded her she couldn't stay like this forever, frozen in a time past.
Rigel exhaled slowly before reaching for her vial of medicine. She might as well take her morning dose, if she was awake.
Madam Pomfrey had insisted on her getting as much rest as possible, but she couldn't help it. Not only had Rigel always been an early riser, but the poor dreams weren't exactly making sleep any more enticing.
She readied herself mentally for her usual walk in the morning— no small task given the precious energy it required of her. But it wasn't like she really had a choice, or that she'd have chosen otherwise even if she could.
She had to get better.
Tenderly planting her feet on the ground, she took a deep breath. It was stone. Cool, smooth stone, and not at all the muddy, dirty surface she had dragged herself across for nearly two weeks.
She could do this.
"Pray tell, what is it you find so interesting about the ground, Rigel?" The familiar voice, soft yet dry, pulled her out of her mental absorption.
"Guh-Good morning, Professor Snape," Rigel cleared her throat and put on a faint smile, "Nothing in particular. It just seemed… a little different than before?"
Snape's expression conveyed a willingness to play along, "I see. Hogwarts does have a poor habit of shifting floors, does it not?"
"Truly," her smile grew a tad more genuine, "does it happen often to the potion labs?"
He arched an eyebrow, "I refuse to believe that you , of all people, would not have made note of when and where exactly the potion labs tend to shift, Rigel."
Rigel ducked her head in a smile, "It is good to know."
"Certainly. Even if one can never be sure."
Rigel nodded in agreement, before frowning and peering up at him suspiciously. "You have some control over it, don't you?"
Snape smirked, "Whatever do you mean?"
"As Head of House. Or because you told Dumbledore and he did something as Headmaster. The labs rarely move." She tilted her head and adopted a curious expression, "I wonder if the students know there's a way around the ever changing locations."
Snape shook his head, expression dry and amused, "Speculation, Rigel, speculation. Besides, they need the exercise and critical thinking that comes with facing the challenge. Merlin, but I swear witches and wizards would turn out utterly incompetent without even such basic practice. Hogwarts is not like muggle schools, where you have several physically intensive sports to take part in, or where magic doesn't take care of one's needs such that they see no need to develop skills such as navigation."
She could feel the disdain for such thinking clearly despite it being cloaked in light jokes. She did wonder how he knew even that much about muggle schools, though.
Inclining her head, she said, "That is all well and good, Professor, but may I ask why you're here? It's still early."
An unidentifiable expression shadowed Snape's face, "Quite. If you recall, after the previous… events, I put the same spell around the hospital wing as your lab to clock the hours and time you spent outside."
Rigel nodded, reddening a bit at the memory. Morgana's mushrooms, but she'd fallen asleep on a tower, caused worry, then fallen asleep again, but while being carried by Snape!
As though noticing her embarrassment, her mentor's words quickened, "It also lets me know if you're leaving at strange hours."
Rigel frowned in confusion, "But I haven't left the wing yet."
Snape shook his head slightly, "I didn't come here because you're leaving for a walk now. Rather, I wanted to ask you where you'd been between nine to ten last night."
Oh.
She ought to have figured.
"I-," She blinked, "I merely wanted some fresh air, Professor."
Snape's face drew a disapproving frown, "I have told you to take an escort in such cases, have I not?"
"It was only for a few minutes! I didn't think it was right to disturb someone for it," Rigel protested.
"A few minutes ?" Snape's scowl could have given grown men a run for their money, "You were gone for well above half an hour."
"What?" That wasn't possible. She- she was sure—
Severus pinched the bridge of his nose, "It is dangerous for you to wander about alone in the castle, Rigel. You do not yet have the energy to operate under your own steam for long, and should there be no one to assist you if the need comes, I do not need to tell you the risks. I allowed you this freedom against Madam Pomfrey's wishes, Rigel, in the hopes of a better recovery if your mind was at ease. Do not make me doubt it."
"I… I'm sorry, Professor. I truly thought it wasn't long, I don't know why. I'll take an escort in the future."
She hadn't known. She'd just stared and stared at the world around her, lost somewhere beyond reach, and when she'd come to she thought she hadn't gone long.
His expression softened infinitesimally, and he reached a hand forward, "Would you like an easy way to keep tabs on time, Rigel?"
Rigel shook her head hesitantly. It was stupid, wasn't it? She had a watch. She shouldn't need anything else.
Snape waited for her to verbalize her thoughts.
"Er, yes. If- if it's not too much trouble, sir."
Snape shook his head and gestured for her to give her hand. "Your watch arm, if you would."
Rigel obeyed.
Snape shut his eyes for a second before tapping her forearm twice, somehow gentle yet firm.
Numbers appeared on her skin, there and gone in a second.
"Tap your arm, and the time will reappear. You can set it to your wishes," Snape explained, "and even ask it to beat rhythmically per set time. I have found it works to coordinate one's breathing along with it, if you set it at a more common pace, and you can even set small alarms that won’t startle you but be enough to get your attention."
It functioned a bit like a good muggle watch, then, but Rigel was touched all the same. She had to admit having lesser things in direct contact with her skin made her feel better, especially given how she'd been trapped in her typical tight under robes below her school robes for the better part of two weeks in favor of keeping the ruse intact in front of Pettigrew's machinations. Ever since she'd been back in the infirmary, she'd consciously gone with more comfortable aspects of clothing.
She didn't know what to say. How had he known of this spell? It didn't seem to be common, with the Tempus spell always used in front of her. How had he thought to use it for her? Did she seem that delicate to him, or was he speaking out of experience? Did he know how much this was going to help her?
"Thank you, sir," she said, "Sincerely."
"Think nothing of it," Snape said, shifting slightly in the face of her sudden gratitude.
She nodded a bit uncomfortably, "I'll be on my way, then."
Snape inclined his head, "Shall I accompany you?"
"If you wish?" Rigel shrugged.
And they left the hospital wing in silence.
Severus went over the day's lesson plans in his mind as he walked. It wasn't too hectic a day, so he'd decided to come check on Rigel about yesterday's incident, only to be told by Pomfrey that no one had gone with him.
The boy concerned Severus greatly. Despite improvement in health and mind, such a horrifying time underground had not passed without its scars on Rigel. He saw the way the boy's eyes swept over everything and nothing at all, the way he tensed at the slightest of unexpected sounds, the way he seemed lost until something sparked him back to reality. The boy was living two times at once, and neither time in full.
But beyond that, Severus saw the dark, heavy circles under his eyes. He saw the way his feet moved with something that suggested something more than just physical discomfort.
He also saw the way his shoulders and back were purposefully straight, sharp and conscious as ever, as though nothing had changed at all. As though he was still fighting. As though he was still in control.
"You're not getting enough sleep," Severus said.
Rigel's shoulder twitched, "I'm fine."
"You are not," Severus' tone brooked no argument, "It is alright to have issues, Rigel. Finding no solutions for them due to a lack of acceptance, however, is not."
"What would you have me do?" Rigel mumbled, "Dreamless Sleep messes with my current medications."
It was concerning that that was the first suggestion the boy's mind jumped to: an addictive drug, unhealthy in anything resembling regular doses.
Severus watched the boy for several seconds.
"Something is troubling you," he said finally, "and I mean beyond what happened, though I can't imagine what warrants such worry so as to hinder your recovery."
Rigel didn't respond, and seconds lapsed into lengthy minutes.
Severus was just about to think that the boy was going to leave it there when he heard him mumble something.
"What is it?"
Rigel looked up at him with a troubling intensity in his eyes, "I have to be fine."
"What do you—"
"I have to be fine, Professor. There's too much— too much to do, too much to be, too much to take care of, so I have to be fine. The only problem is, I can't. I don't understand why. It's frustrating, and I don't get it. I'm trying to be fine, but it's just not working!" The boy looked weighed by several stories of rocks, voice wavering and trembling and upset.
"I just—" he turned to face Severus fully, but Severus thought he wasn't really seeing him. He didn't think those eyes full of anguish could see anything beyond hurt, "I just wanted to learn Potions. How am I here, Professor? Why am I here? Why can't— how can— and now I've no choice ." Rigel gasped, "so stupid. "
Severus' hands gripped the boy's shoulders, "Rigel, you'll work yourself into a panic attack. Take deep breaths." He inhaled deeply, then exhaled slowly.
The boy tried to mimic him, and then the second his breathing evened slightly, began babbling helplessly, "I don't— why can't I brew, Professor? I gave up everything for this. Now I can't brew and everything will fall apart when I get home— and I—" Rigel sniffled, "I let everyone down, didn't I? I'm sorry. I lied and lied and now look where am I? What kind of potion apprentice can't brew? I'm so, so sorry."
Rigel shook his head and screwed his eyes shut tightly for a moment, "See what I mean? I keep becoming a mess. I wasn't like this, Professor. You know that, right? I had everything under control… so why…?"
Severus' heart ached with acute turmoil as he watched his apprentice break down in front of him. There were so many things he wanted to tell him, so many worries he wanted to say were unnecessary, because he didn't care if Rigel couldn't brew for a while, if it caused him pain. He didn't care that the boy lied time and time again, because he knew him enough to know that the lies were not said to cause harm, and indeed, if he knew anything at all about Rigel, he could guess that it was for good. It was with the intent to protect. He didn't care about it all, but he did care that his apprentice talked of going 'home' with such distress, as though there too he had nothing but lies to give, and tests to meet. He cared about that, and he cared about how the child was shriveling up right in front of him.
Rigel had always been so controlled. So contained.
And now…
Severus couldn’t help but think back to when Lily had shared a particular muggle thought with him.
It's always the quiet ones.
"Rigel," Severus shut his eyes briefly as well, and when he opened them, words came. He didn't know if they were the right things to say, if they were precisely what Rigel needed to hear right now, but he knew he had to say them, "I don't care if you can't brew for a while. As I've said before, I'm willing to wait, and besides, you need time to recover anyway. And if you're thinking you'll never come out of this— don't. Not only is that an unhelpful way of looking at it, I am certain you'll be fine with some time. You don't need to rush anything— you trying daily despite everything, the small efforts you put in each day to make things better for yourself will prove enough. You will get better, and in your own time. There is nothing more important than your health, you understand?"
He tilted his head with a slight smile, eyes fond, "On a lighter note, when you do get back to brewing, you'll be able to attempt your cousin's novel method. Your reasons for saying you couldn't recreate it the previous term were connected to the suppressor, were they not?"
Rigel actually bubbled a laugh at that.
"You're right. I'm sorry for taking up so much of your time these days," Rigel said, "I'm behaving like a child."
"It is far less time than I would give you on an average day for brewing," Severus said wryly, "Do not fret over it; I give it of my own freewill."
Rigel nodded slowly.
"And do remember that you are a child, Rigel."
Something about that statement seemed to leave the child gobsmacked, unsure and uncomprehending. Severus resisted a mutter about children taking on weights far too heavy for them.
He released his light grip on the boy with a final nod, "I do hope your worries are assuaged. I have classes shortly, so I shall be taking my leave. Focus on recovering."
"Yes, sir. Have a good day."
Severus hesitated.
"And Rigel?"
"I'd hoped you could trust me, Rigel," Severus said softly. His throat was tightening at something he didn't dare name.
Rigel's eyes were moist, "I do, sir. I really do. But not for this. I can trust no one."
"Although we've talked about this before, I think you should know that at least… whatever it is that scares you about going home, and all the lies… you can come to me, if you ever wish or need to."