Late night talks
My beloved brother,
Look for me in the sea, the waves crushing against sharp cliffs, splitting them in half.
We both escaped hell in the end, even though we had different destinations. Do not regret the path you chose, just because I didn't have the opportunity to choose the same.
Always look ahead, i will be there watching your back.
Sincerely yours,
R. A. B.
P.S. My body rests in peace. Do not search for it.
*******
10pm, 10th of October
Like so often, Sirius sat on the cold steps of the astronomy tower glancing down and watching them disappear in the dark. His hands cramped around the little piece of parchment like his life hung on it. The graciously arched writing he knew so instinctively brought tears to his eyes every time he read those words. He didn't actually need to read them, he knew them like the back of his hand. He could repeat them in his sleep backwards, forwards and backwards again. Like they were burned behind his eyelids, every curve and every stain of ink. Because they were his words.
Regulus.
Months had passed since he had run away to the Potters. Months since his little brother Regulus had left him alone for a lifetime. More than once he had wondered if him leaving Grimmauld place was the reason for Regulus' death. If him leaving and not even offering to take his brother with him was the reason for it all. If it was all his fault. Regulus had not said that that was the case, but since when did Regulus tell him everything? He never had. He didn't lie to Sirius or anyone actually, he had never liked lying but he was the person that fell silent if forced to tell the truth or the person that left the most important parts of the story out if they were not required.
Sirius exhaled shakingly and leaned back against the swirled metal handrail that went alongside the broad stairs. Gently he laid the parchment beside him. He was never as careful with anything as he was with this. That parchment was the only thing he had left from Regulus.
Since he didn't live with Walpurga and Orion anymore, he couldn't get access to any of Regulus' things. And he wouldn't dare going back to that house, to those people, ever again. Not if he valued his life. And that he did. Regulus didn't make it and Sirius was determined to live for him too. To enjoy life as much as possible to show his brother that he kept fighting. That he fought the demons that overpowered Regulus that night.
His brother wanted him to always look forward and that he did. He couldn't help but miss the days that had already passed but never ever did he let himself get stuck in the past. It was okay to bend under your burden, to trip but you had to keep going. To continue living. That was what Regulus had wanted.
He promised himself that once Walpurga and Orion died, he would return to that place and collect all that Regulus had valued. He knew that that was sure to take years and years but he hoped it would turn out differently. He hoped the war would get them instead of more innocent families. No one would miss them or grieve, instead would be happy that the world was cleared of two more evil hearted people. But not all wished were destined to become true. Sirius' hope had not died yet though.
Hope always died last and hope was what kept all of them going. Hope that sometime in the future this war would be over. That they would celebrate victory and peace would be restored. That their children would not have to go through the things they had. That they would grow up in peace and never even had to learn the unforgivable curses, let alone witness them in use.
Sirius shot up as he heard loud steps coming up the stairs.Oh please let it not be a couple that came here to snog, he prayed but then noticed that those steps belonged to only one person. And no one snogged themselves, he was certain. Impatiently he stared in the dark waiting for the person to declare themselves. A few moments later he could make out a tall silhouette, then brown curls and lastly the brown-green eyes he knew so well.
"Moony." he stated the obvious, smiling weakly.
"Padfoot." Remus' deep voice sounded like a song in Sirius' ears. A lovely melodie meant to allure him and trap him in its nets.
Remus sat beside him and leaned againt the handrail on his left. Sirius turned his upper body so they sat face to face. Their knees bumped together and Sirius' heart skipped a beat. Usually James found him up here, so he was surprised to see Remus coming to see him. Usually Remus found him when he needed sense beaten into him and not when he was grieving.
Yes, Regulus said not to grieve, but seriously, how could he even expect such a thing. He had been his brother after all, the person he spent late nights with, the person he comforted after Orions wand had carved his skin and left scars. Even when Regulus started his education in Hogwarts, even when he got sorted into Slytherin and Sirius started acting like he didn't exist because he feared that Regulus would become just another cruel Black he never stopped loving him. Deep down, beneath all his anger and despair he couldn't completely reject his brother. So how could he not grieve the loss of the only family he loved?
The only close family, there was Andromeda still. But she was not someone he could just visit whenever he wanted to. She was not a person he spoke to when he needed someone. He liked her, yes, liked her a lot but they were not as close as he wished them to be.
"You alright?" Remus asked and watching him closely. Sirius nodded. "Yea."
He was as fine as he could be these days. Even though he came here thinking about Reggie, he was not sad. For the first time in months. He actually thought of happy memories. Yes he still felt a pull in his heart evertime he thought about Regulus but he stopped crying about it a few weeks ago. He stopped breaking down every time his brother was mentioned. He did not live him less or miss him less but he had kind of accepted it.
He had accepted that he would never see his brother again. That he would never see that grumpy little shit flip him off because he told him he loved him. He would never see his face soften when he flew over the trees letting the wind blow over his face. That he would never have stupid conversations with him in french, just so no one would understand them. That he would never get the chance to introduce him properly to James or Remus or even Peter. That he would never be able to show off that he was a freaking black dog when he wanted to.
Not any of those things. And it was fine. He was satisfied with writing to him. Regulus wrote him before he left and so would Sirius write him back. He would tell him things he would've never told him face to face, hoping the intimacy gave it a greater chance to reach him on the other side. It was stupid really. But it helped.
"You sure? I can get James if you want." Remus murmured. And Sirius looked at him again. Oh, how pretty he was. His brown soft hair that curled over his sparkling eyes, the line of his jaw, his nose, his lips. The most beautiful human being he had ever laid his eyes upon. Even his scars were perfect. They made him look a little rough and wild. It had always made Sirius get a little hot. He saw him biting his lip unsure and smiled properly this time.
"No" he said explicitly. "But if you want to help there is something you can do." He said teasingly. Remus' eyes shot up and widened in shock. Sirius almost laughed. It was so exiting to see his mask slip when he said things like that.
"Spare me a fag, will you?" he finished his sentence and saw a slight disappointment appear in Remus' eyes before his mask slipped back in place. He passed him a cigarette silently and placed one between his own lips.
"Cheers" Sirius nodded in thanks as he lit his with his wand.
And they smoked in peace.
*****
11pm, 11th of October
James wanted to hit his head against the bedpost.
"Sirius. What do you mean? Please be more specific."
His best friend sighed and looked at him hesitating. Fiddling with his fingers in his lap. His eyes literally spoke for themselves but James wanted him to say it. He couldn't figure out his problems for him. He had to do that himself.
"I mean... I'm not sure but I think... Fuck Prongs I don't know how to tell you. Help me."
The curtains to James' bed were drawn and they had cast multiple silencing charms to make sure no one listened to their conversation. You never knew what Moony could hear and what not. They had forgotten them before thinking whispering would be quiet enough to not wake up their mates. Oh how wrong they had been. At 2 am Remus had finally moaned that he could hear everything they said and that they should cast a bloody silencing charm because he wanted to fucking sleep. That obviously had shook them because they had not been aware that his ears were that good.
James groaned annoyed. How could someone be that smart but be so idiotic when it came to romance? He didn't get it.
"Mate, I cannot help you saying something without knowing what the fuck you're trying to say!"
Sirius sighed again. "I know." He murmured.
He looked James in the eyes. "Prongs I think, I think I'm.... Fuck. I think might like boys."
That was not the revelation James had hoped for. He knew that before. He thought Sirius had finally figured out that he had a massive painfully huge crush on Remus. Not that he was queer. He thought that that had been obvious for a while now. Goddamn this man was nervwracking. But he couldn't tell him that, obviously. He surpressed another annoyed groan and said in a soft voice: "I know Padfoot. It's okay to like boys."
Sirius glanced up at him unsure. "But.. but I'm a boy too. Isn't that... wrong? To like the same.. you know to like boys as a boy?"
James shook his head vehemently. "No. It's not. Its completely natural. If you love someone it doesn't matter whether they're a boy or a girl. You just love who you love."
His best friend looked hopeful. "Are you sure?"
Yes he was sure for fucks sake. He had never understood how people could find it not okay. Love was love and everyone who denied that was not right in their mind. He had experienced that obviously. He had heard people talk derogatory about 'queers'. That's what it was called he figured. People who liked the same gender. So yes, was definitely sure that it was alright to be queer. He was also sure that more people were than those who were open with it. Because almost no one was. It was not really socially accepted. Which was, in his opinion, devastating. It just showed how fucked up the world was.
He smiled encouragingly. "Yes. I'm sure. You know why? Because I'm like you." There it was. The opportunity to tell someone. It seemed to easy it that moment, so natural. Still Sirius was the only person he had told so far. Not even his parents new. It just never seemed like a good moment to tell them, not the right situation, or maybe he just lacked courage or words.
Sirius looked up in shock. "But... but what about Lily?"
James chuckled. Yes, Lily. The most beautiful human being in his opinion. "I love her mate, you know that. I like girls too. And boys. Both."
"You can do that?!" Sirius exclaimed in surprise. "Like both, I mean."
"Yes you can do that. Im not sure what it's called but it is definitely alright to like both."
Sirius looked down at his hands. He started to fiddle with his fingers again. James understood, really. He knew it wasn't the easiest thing to tell someone that, he just thought that Sirius had known that before. He tought Sirius had known that he knew.
"I like both too."
James smiled again. Softly. Accepting. "I know, Sirius."
Sirius frowned. "How... I mean how did you find out?"
How did he know? Well because Sirius' crush on Remus was painfully obvious. But he couldn't tell him that. Because apparently Sirius himself was still oblivious. Or didn't think he could tell him. He hoped the first, because the latter would pain him. He really hoped Sirius trusted him enough to tell him such things.
"Ehh I don't know. I think you just kinda sense when people are like you?" James said unsure.
Padfoot looked at him dumbfounded. Fuck, did he say something wrong? "What?"
"What?"
"What what?"
"I mean how did you know you liked boys?"
Oh. That was embarrassing. James snorted ridiculously. "oh that's what you meant. My bad Pads."
Honestly it was quite the embarrassing story. Not really a long story but embarrassing nonetheless. Because in 5th year, James developed a crush on none other than Remus Lupin. It wasn't quite clear if he really had a crush on him but he was definitely attracted to him. Which was embarrassing because even in 5th year it was clear to him how much Sirius loved Remus and how much Remus loved him back.
Even in 5th year it was clear to James that they two were soulmates, destined to be each others love, whatever you wanted to call it. Now two years later, it was still as obvious, if not even more. Even though Sirius was not aware yet, his feeling were written over his face. Every time Remus walked in, his eyes lit up, every time Remus smiled, he looked at him as if the stars just fell down in front of him lighting up the room. Every time Remus did so much as laugh with someone else, Sirius' face scrunched up in jealousy and he did as much as he could to seperate the two or make Remus laugh himself. He was quite literally desperate for his attention. He lusted for it and everyone could see it except Remus himself.
But still when Remus walked in their compartment in Hogwarts express that year, James suddenly realised how down he was for that boy. Not feeling wise. He wasn't in love with Remus Lupin. But he made him realise how painfully gay he was. He never told anyone for obvious reasons. Who would he have told anyway? Certainly not Sirius. And definitely not Remus himself. That would just drag out the embarrassment to an extend not even he could bear.
And Pete just wasn't the right person. He wasn't sure he would understand because he was the straightest guy one could meet. Quite literally. He even struggled just complimenting his mates. Sometimes it was hilarious to watch. But well, now 2 years after his awkward crush, now that he was so obviously in love with Lily, he could tell Sirius.
He looked down awkwardly. "Eh well, that actually a funny story."
Sirius smirked at him joyful. "Oh yeah? Spill the tea Prongs."
James swallowed hard. Suddenly he had to laugh that this ridiculous scene. Him and his best friend in his bed, telling each other secrets, deep thoughts and feelings and now he was going to tell him about his crush on the boy that was his best mate's soulmate. He shook his head trying to get over this awkwardness in his chest.
"Alright." James said. "I ehm, this is awkward but eh..."
"Common Prongs spill it."
"Okay okay." He lifted is hands in defeat. "I had a crush on Remus."
"WHAT." Sirius burst out, in shock. His eyes practically screamed jealousy and James once again wondered how he could be so oblivious.
"Yea, it was in 5th year i think. It was totally physical though. I wasn't in love with him or anything. I was just immensely attracted to him. He just sort of got hot over the summer and i couldn't not notice that." James pulled a face at Sirius' judging mimic.
"You... you had a crush on Remus? Lupin? Moony? Our best mate? The marauder?"
"Yes, yes, yes, yes and yes. There is no other Remus that I know of. You can't deny that he is attractive, Pads."
Sirius immediately got red in his cheeks. His eyes flickered down at his hands and then at James again.
"That's not what I ... I mean.. eh..."
"Sirius"
"Okay fuck yes. He is. Remus is fucking hot. Satisfied?"
James barely contained himself from bursting out in laughter.