A Step Closer
None of them, other than Regulus, had expected to see Harry’s thighs covered in blood, cuts, scabs and scars.
“Baby,” Draco dropped to his knees, running gentle fingers over the older scabs. “How come I never saw this? Did you use glamor spells to hide it from me?”
Harry nodded curtly.
“I’m sorry, Draco. I didn’t want to worry you,” he apologized.
Just then, the floo roared, and Remus entered the kitchen less than a minute later. He made a choked sound at the young couple’s position before noticing what was happening.
“Bambi,” he whispered. “Can I get the first aid kit and treat it?”
Harry shrugged, and Remus took it as a yes. He summoned the first aid kit from the bathroom and opened it.
“Disinfecting injuries hurts less the Muggle way. The spells hurt like hell.”
Harry didn’t react and Remus kneeled next to Draco, sighing. Draco shuffled to the side. “Do you want to sit down?” he suggested. “Pain is always worse when you’re standing.”
Harry dropped to the floor by him and took his hand silently. Draco squeezed it tightly and motioned for Remus to start. The latter started dabbing the wounds with a sterilizing wipe and Harry inhaled sharply.
James couldn’t stand seeing it anymore, and buried his face in Sirius’ shoulder. Sirius wrapped a hand around his shoulders mechanically, still frozen. He was absolutely sure Harry was honest when he promised to come to him when he felt like cutting. Guilt welled up in him; he should’ve realized that if Harry was desperate enough to cut, he wouldn’t just give it up so fast.
Harry looked at Regulus with slight anger.
“I was fine,” he said, voice full of venom. “I don’t need you going around telling everyone every little thing you notice.”
“I… I’m sorry,” Regulus stuttered. “I just… I’m sorry. I was trying to help.”
James approached him and he flinched, but the man just put a reassuring hand on his shoulder. “You did nothing wrong,” he said calmly. Harry huffed.
“You’re all assholes. Just let me be.” He pulled his pants up and stalked out of the room, apparating to Hogsmeade. The jog back to Hogwarts helped calm him down a little but not enough for him to think rationally. He collapsed on his bed and burst into tears; He really didn’t want anyone knowing what he did. Sirius knowing was enough, and he was even able to make him forget about it. This sucked.
After ten minutes of crying Harry sat up and wiped his face, sniffling. He was exhausted from crying, but he knew that if he went to sleep without resolving the issue, he would regret it. He pulled his phone out, opened his notes app, and started typing rapidly. Five minutes later he stopped and read what he wrote.
***
Regulus looked at the others with teary eyes.
“I’m sorry,” he mumbled. “I shouldn’t have pushed him.”
James tightened his hold on the other’s shoulder.
“You have nothing to apologize for. He’s mad at all of us, and he will come to his senses soon enough.”
“I know he’s mad at all of us,” Regulus said, the first tear trailing down his cheek. “But he’s mad at all of us because of me.”
James led Regulus to the living room and the others followed them.
“You could’ve approached it differently,” James agreed. “But what is done is done, and I think that it was actually good that all of us were here. If it was only you he would’ve found a way to blow you off.”
“He’s right,” Sirius pitched in. “Harry told me he did it,” a flash of hurt passed on James’ face, “and he promised me he would come to me when he wanted to do it again. He would’ve done something similar with you.”
Draco cleared his throat hesitantly and they all turned to him.
“What do we do now?” he asked quietly. “I’d normally chase him, but I’ve never had this sort of situation with him, and I’m kind of lost.”
“He’ll be back soon,” Remus promised. “After the last time, I’m sure he’ll come back, even if just to fight it out with us.” He looked at each one of them. “When he comes, don’t blame him for doing it, just be there for him.”
“No one's gonna blame him,” Draco proclaimed. “It’s not his fault in the slightest.”
“Draco,” Remus narrowed his eyes. “I feel like you’re implying it’s your fault.”
Draco blinked. He didn’t expect to be called out like that.
“Yeah,” he looked down shamefully. “I’m really sorry. I should’ve done more. I failed Harry, I know. Sirius, I’m ready for whatever consequences you have for me.”
“It’s not your fault, sweetheart,” Sirius said softly. “You did nothing wrong. No one here did anything wrong.”
Draco sputtered.
“What do you mean it’s not my fault?” he was confused. “I literally slept in the same bed as him every single night. We fuck multiple times a week. I had every chance to realize he was hiding pain, and that he was using glamor spells.”
Sirius reached out and squeezed Draco’s shoulder.
“He spent years of his life hiding his feelings and injuries from everyone. Even Ron and Hermione don’t know everything he went through by the Dursleys. He’s way too trained in lying for us to be able to notice it. Reg only realized because of the limp. Have you ever cut your thighs?” Draco shook his head silently. “Exactly. You had no way of noticing.”
Draco sniffled.
“Okay,” he whispered. He looked around miserably as the others kept talking, lost without his boyfriend. A few minutes passed before Regulus noticed his expression, and a few more until he managed to catch his eye. When he did, he gestured towards the other, empty, couch. They went there and sat next to each other.
“You seem lost,” Regulus mentioned. “Anything I can do?”
“Thank you,” Draco smiled slightly. “But no. I never really know what to do with people. I was taught how to interact, so now I don’t know how to do it normally, naturally. Harry always helps me, so now I’m kind of… I don’t know. I need him in order to feel like I can interact with other people.”
“I know the feeling,” Regulus hummed. “And I’m sure Sirius does too. It’s good though. You’re getting used to being a human being and not a robot. That’s great. I’m really impressed that you’re able to do this while your mother is still around.”
“She kicked me out,” Draco giggled. “She realized that I actually fell for Harry, and that I helped him defeat Voldemort again.”
“So the Traditional Black Bloodline is officially over?” Regulus’ eyes glinted.
Draco was about to answer, but was cut off by the sound of the floo . His eyes lit up when he saw Harry stumble out, but the light was out the second he saw his red eyes.
“I’m sorry guys. You’re not really assholes,” Harry apologized. “I needed a few minutes, but I’m ready to talk.”
“I’m proud of you, pup,” Remus said. “So, do you want to start?”
“Yes,” Harry pulled out his phone. “I was journaling back in my room, and when I read I realized that I want to show this to you. It’s a mess, and it’ll be hard to read, but if I start going over it I’ll chicken out and not say anything.”
“Hey,” Draco caught his eye carefully. “It’s okay. You can send it to me and we’ll all split who reads it on which phone.”
Harry shared the note with Draco and handed his own phone to Sirius, ignoring his mumbled promise about getting a phone urgently. Remus and Regulus went to read the text with Sirius, and James went to Draco, who already had it open.
Fuck why did they have to like seriously I just wanna do me why od they have to be all in by business fuck now i can’t do it and it’s not fair cuz htey dont get it. Im doing it ciz i killed tonz of ppl and now i don’t know it just really helps me gtoung myself. When are they gonna realize im mot worth all this? Im clearly too much and they should just have a good lije without me tying them down to their dead past. Lily did it and she’s an actuall bitch, but i think she got the right idea. Start the life without me. I liteallly don’t know what to od with myself and im just a burden to everyone dlse. Goddammit, just leavea me alone. I dont wanna die so they should just leave me alobe and then everything will be good, thats it. They should leave me. Draco should date someone better than me. He’s been through so fucking much and now he desereves a nice new clean beginning, without a traumaatized and traumatizing boyfriend and im so sorry i cant be that but i cant fuck now it feels like this is a will but its not if theyll only leave me alone fuckkkkkkkkkkfdfgreogdfhd
The five of them finished reading it around the same time, but they stood frozen for a moment after.
“Harry,” Draco broke the silence. “It’s not true. You’re not a burden in the slightest. I love you so much and even if you broke up with me-” his voice broke “-I wouldn’t date anyone else cuz I love you, and it’s not gonna change no matter what. You hear me? I’m not going anywhere, and don’t you dare do anything stupid that you think will make me happy, because I’m the happiest with you.”
Harry sat on the floor, his legs shaking too much, and the others immediately sat in front of him.
“I’m so sorry, Harry,” Regulus said quietly. “I should’ve done it differently. I’m really sorry I didn’t. You’re strong, and I should’ve known you have reasons and you’re probably working on it.”
“Prongslet,” James’ hands shook. “You didn’t kill anyone, and you’re not a burden to anyone. We love you, and we want to be in your life. Please don’t push us away.”
“Harry,” Sirius wiped his face harshly. “I… I’m sorry,” he looked at his godson, not knowing what to say. He hid his face in his hands, trying to collect himself.
“Harry, can you look at me for a second?” Remus asked, and the boy complied. “Thank you, Pup. Thank you for showing this to us. It means a lot that you trust us this much. But you know what I also noticed?” Harry tilted his head slightly, curious. “You think that you have to kill yourself so that we don’t have you in our lives anymore right?” Harry nodded, eyes red.
“If you just left me I wouldn’t need to do that, but I do, because you won’t.”
“Exactly my point, prongslet,” Remus smiled softly. “Don’t you think that if we were better off without you we would have left you at some point. Maybe not as fast as Lily, but you would be able to picture us leaving you. And you can’t. The fact that we won’t ever do it just shows that we don’t want to. We want you in our lives, we know it’s hard, and you’re struggling, and we want to be here to help you through it.”
“You don’t get it,” Harry was getting more and more frustrated. “You are better off without me. And you don’t see it. Why don’t you see it?”
Sirius put his hand out for Harry to take, but he didn’t. Sirius pulled his hand back naturally, not showing his disappointment.
“Harry, you want us to try and see if we’re better off without you, but we don’t want to. We don’t care. We’re gonna tell you this as many times as we need until you believe it. If you’re hurting, we want to hurt with you. It makes it easier when you’re not alone.”
Harry slumped his shoulders slightly.
“Whatever,” he mumbled.
“Hey, hey, Harry, don’t do this,” Draco pleaded. “I’m so proud of you for talking to us, please don’t shut us out again.”
Harry shrugged.
“Babe, don’t you think that I’m fucked up?” Draco asked. “I was a Death Eater. I hid the fact that my father had a way to bring Voldemort back. I’m traumatized from the war and the torture I had to endure my whole life. Don’t you think you’re better off without me?”
Harry looked at him for a long moment. Their eyes locked, but they didn’t say anything. The others smiled slightly. That was a good approach. Almost everything Draco said applied to one of the things Harry thought made him bad for them. After the moment was over Harry dove into Draco’s arms.
“I love you, Draco,” he whispered. “I’m sorry I’m making you deal wi-” “Harry, no,” Draco cut him off. “This is what I’m saying. Don’t apologize. You wouldn’t want me to either. I love you too, babe. All I want is for you to let me, let us, help you.”
“Okay,” Harry nodded. He straightened up. “Thank you guys,” he said softly to the others. “Reg, I’m sorry I attacked you. I appreciate your concern. I just… wasn’t ready to be exposed. Thank you for caring, all of you.”
Harry didn’t even know who the first one to move was, but ten seconds later they were all in a messy dog pile, hugging him tightly.
“So,” Remus said hesitantly when they all let go and caught their breath. “Can I continue?”
Harry took a deep breath. “Yes,” he answered, smiling as a relieved Remus summoned the first aid kit.
This time Harry settled on the couch comfortably first. He sat between James’ legs, each hand held by Sirius and Draco. Regulus sat next to his brother, clearly still blaming himself.
“Do you have scars?” Harry asked him casually after Remus started cleaning his wounds. Regulus shook his head.
“I don’t know if you all know this, but self-inflicted wounds don’t go away with regular magic. It’s kind of like - you did it to yourself? Deal with the consequences. But there’s a spell, Cicatrixia, that heals self-inflicted wounds. It hurts more than the actual harming, but it takes the marks away.” He sighed heavily. “I would do it because other than hiding the fact I did it from other people, it would bring me more pain. I used it as another way to self-harm. It hurts as it hides the marks, and it also didn’t take away the initial pain. The pain from the cut would heal at the pace of a normal healing.”
“How did you stop?” Harry’s eyes filled with tears as he asked the question almost inaudibly, although it might have been because of the burn of the disinfectant. “It seems impossible.”
“I still want to do it,” Regulus responded honestly. “When I first came here, I did it in the shower. But then… I don’t know… I think that James is here to talk to me whenever I want makes me prefer talking to him. It has only been a few days, and I’m sure I’m not fully healed, but having someone to talk to helps.” He looked Harry straight in the eye. “You can talk to me whenever you need. Or anyone else. I’m sure they’ll all be able to talk.”
“But it’s really hard to talk about it,” Harry admitted.
“You don’t have to talk about it directly,” Regulus reassured him. “I don’t. Just talk to someone supportive about anything. Discuss Quidditch. Talk about hot girls-” they all laughed “-play chess. Talk about the weather for all I care. Just be with someone safe, and it helps. Just for a little bit, but enough to give you time to work and heal.”
Draco cleared his throat.
“Harry, you know it’s true,” he reminded him. “It took me months to stop cutting, and a lot of it was thanks to you distracting me when I was about to relapse.”
They spent a few more minutes talking, the conversation becoming less heavy and more crazy, until Remus was done bandaging Harry up.
“I actually got something for us on the way home,” Remus told them as he stood up. “It’s in the bag by the fireplace.”
Draco hurried to bring the bag while Remus put the first aid kit away and washed his hands.
“It’s a gaming set,” Remus pulled the controllers out of the bag. “I have instructions from the store with the spells that will connect this to the screen, and how to set the game up, but I still don’t really understand, so it’ll take a while for us to set it up.”
The six of them got to work immediately, trying to figure everything out. James blew up one of the controllers and was banned from helping. He was about to start complaining, and then the floo roared. Professor McGonagall stepped into the living room, and frowned when she saw Harry’s red eyes.
“What’s wrong?” she asked. “You seem like you’re having fun, but… Harry, are you okay?”
“Had a long day,” he smiled sadly. “Is everything okay in Hogwarts?”
“Yes, everything is under control,” she reassured him. “I spoke with Lily and hopefully she won’t behave like that anymore. I wanted to inform you of this so you don’t need to worry about her.”
“I appreciate it, Professor,” Harry visibly sagged in relief. “I really wouldn’t be able to handle her on top of everything else.”
“Do you want to stay for dinner, Minnie?” Sirius offered. “We would love it if you can stay.”
“I don’t see a reason why I can’t,” Minerva agreed easily.
Regulus went to the kitchen to prepare dinner, and Draco trailed after him, still not used to being on Professor McGonagall’s good side.
“We’re trying to set up video games,” James explained the mess to the professor. “Ooh, do you think you’ll know how to do this? I blew up a controller already.”
Minerva rolled her eyes fondly. “I am not helping you with setting up these things that are meant to rotten your brains. You’re all still young, too young to waste your time on such rubbish. Why don’t we play a game of chess? If I remember correctly you were quite good at it back when you were a student.”
James glared at her. He was the laughing stock of the Gryffindor house whenever he tried playing chess, messing up worse than a child. As he grew up he improved, but not nearly enough to be able to play against the professor. Sirius cackled and summoned the glass chess set from the game room, setting it up and getting comfortable, preparing for the entertainment.
“Don’t get comfortable,” Remus snickered. “The game won’t take longer than three minutes.”
Sirius and Harry laughed and James squawked indignantly.
“Oh, you’re up next, Remus,” Minerva informed and the smile vanished from Remus’ face.
“I’m… I’m gonna go see if they need help in the kitchen,” he excused himself and retreated quickly from the room.
As he predicted, not three minutes later all of James’ pieces were smashed to pieces and Minerva’s were celebrating their victory. James mended all the pieces and stalked off to put the game away, grouching the whole way. Harry looked at Minerva and giggled.
“I never saw this side of you,” he mentioned.
“They are the only ones who bring that out, in me” she agreed. “They remind me so much of myself as a child. The only others who came close were the Weasley twins. Remarkable pranksters, those two.”
“Oh my god,” Harry leaped from his seat. “We have to invite them over at some point. Or maybe visit the Burrow. I can’t wait for them to realize that Dad, Sirius and Remus are The Marauders. They’re gonna fucking flip out.”
“Language, Mr. Potter,” Minerva berated him, and he blushed deeply.
“I’m sorry, Professor,” he mumbled his apology. “I got excited.”
He was saved further embarrassment due to the fact that Draco came and called everyone to the dining room.
Sirius, who was sitting and enjoying all the drama, was the first to head to the said room, followed closely by a still beet red Harry.
Dinner was a pleasant affair, passed with a calm conversation, discussing the past few years, and how the school had changed since the war. Regulus seemed close to worshiping Minerva for having worked on mending the relationships between the houses, and James found it absolutely adorable. He voiced that, causing Regulus to whine and hide behind his sweater paws.
"He's growing more like you every day; it's truly wonderful," Minerva noted, addressing Sirius. "Honestly, your parents are fortunate they're no longer alive because I'm fully prepared to give them a piece of my mind for stifling their children's personalities."
“Thank you, Professor,” Regulus said, voice muffled by the sleeves of his hoodie. “It’s nice to know that there is an adult that would stand up for me.”
“I wish I had known you were struggling back when you were in school,” she replied mournfully.
“I asked Professor Dumbledore for help,” Regulus told her. “He blew me off. I guess I should’ve tried coming to you.”
“There was no reason for you to think that I would help you,” Minerva reasoned with him. “I was the head of the rival house; nothing suggested I would be more inclined to help you than the headmaster.”
Regulus straightened suddenly and continued eating. Sirius looked at Minerva apologetically, not understanding what made him ignore her all of a sudden, but she didn’t seem bothered, and changed the subject. It didn’t take long for Rgulus to join the conversation again once it was about something entirely unrelated to his life, to James’ amusement, which he announced again, which made Regulus blush again and flee to the bathroom.
“He’s a teenage boy. Naturally, he got awkward when the conversation dwelled too long on his feelings,” Minerva said before Sirius could apologize for his brother’s previous behavior. “And as for you,” she turned to James. “Give the poor child a break. He’s still quite uncomfortable in my presence.”
The man nodded solemnly, but couldn’t hide the glint in his eyes. The professor sighed. He clearly enjoyed annoying the younger.
The rest of the evening was calm after Regulus returned from the bathroom, and they bid Minerva a good night, heading to bed.
“So… are we all good?” Harry asked into the dark when they were all settled already. The others all voiced their agreement and he sighed contentedly. “How much do you want to bet that there will be a new problem tomorrow?” he chuckled.
“Don’t jinx us, Harry,” James complained. “I think we have three days.”
They laughed.
“Life is crazy,” Draco concluded sleepily. “Especially ours. Especially ever since you guys came back. How about we go to sleep now so we have energy for the next batch of crazy life throws at us?”