I know a place
It's somewhere I go when I need to remember your face
We get married in our heads
Something to do while we try to recall how we met
Regulus sat at the top of the astronomy tower, a place that was once his, one that he shared with James. This had become their safe space, somewhere they could go to hide from prying eyes and judging opinions. Here, they could be unapologetically themselves. They could be safe.
His fondest memories of James were those under the stars; how no matter how many times he told him the names for the constellations blinking down on them, James always forgot. Or maybe he just enjoyed Regulus telling him. He could never tell which it was, he never let himself consider it for too long.
Due to these nights, he found a comfort in the lights above that he hadn’t felt since childhood. For once, he felt as if he was at peace, that he couldn’t be harmed as long as he could feel the stars watching him.
However, once James broke up with him, they became a fatal reminder of the love that died in his hands, unable to be saved.
Why was it that everything he touched wilted before his eyes?
He refused to place any blame on James for severing their relationship - in the end, whatever James wanted he would get, and Regulus had accepted that a long time ago. If James asked for something, Regulus would give it to him, no matter the request.
Is that not what love is?
In an attempt to stop himself from slipping further into himself, the astronomy tower was the only place he allowed himself to think of James. It was the place he came when he couldn’t help but let his ex lover to slide into the forefront of his mind, when he found himself needing a reminder of the love he felt, how he had the most beautiful boy in Hogwarts gazing at him with a longing in his eyes that he was sure he would never see again.
Sometimes, he found himself wishing he would be lucky enough to see that face staring at him, love plastered over his face.
That was impossible.
Under the night sky, they had discussed their marriage, something that would never be a reality. Only in imagination were they able to live out the happy life of domesticity they longed for.
James would find another lover, one he didn’t grow to hate, and Regulus would live in delusion. He was forever scared of waking up one day and not being able to picture James’ face; he feared he wouldn’t be able to live for much longer after the day this happened. Pictures allowed too much of a risk, someone could stumble upon them and, from these, discover the nature of their whole relationship. Memories, however, couldn’t be seen, he had grown too skilled at occlumency for this.
So, he relied on his brain to not fail him on this simple feat, to allow him to be able to access the face of the one that provided him with comfort whenever he needed.
Do you think I have forgotten?
Do you think I have forgotten?
Do you think I have forgotten
About you?
The day Regulus had seen James in the corridors holding Lily Evans’ hand, a piece of him had died.
A part of him had been holding on to the belief that James would come back to him, that they would be separated for a short time but return to each other, that they were fated to spend the rest of their lives together, but this solidified that their separation was final.
There was no more ‘them’. Nothing left but memories to grasp onto.
How could this be? One day they were hopelessly in love, ignoring the cracks and faults in the relationship, and the next James has broken his heart into a million pieces, making it so no one else can help him put the parts back together.
He didn't want anyone else. There was a void left inside him that could only be filled by James, and they both knew it. So when he saw his ex with someone new, not even two months after their breakup, the void deepened and his forever broken heart crumbled some more.
James looked happy, that he could admit. The smile painted on his face wasn’t unlike the one he saw throughout their relationship, but it didn’t seem to reach his eyes anymore.
Perhaps this breakup was affecting James too.
How he longed to talk to him about it, just to see if his suspicions were correct, just to see if he was on James’ mind as much as James was on his. He knew that if he did, he would replay this conversation in his mind for the rest of his life, never letting himself move on.
He could never forget James, even after they had left Hogwarts, even if they never spoke to each other again, Regulus would never forget the time they spent together.
Did James believe he could be forgotten?
Forgetting him is as easy as forgetting the sun when night comes: virtually impossible. This time without James was a night without a moon. However, night passes.
Regulus was unsure if this deep sadness would ever leave. It had seeped into his bones, leaving him cold, aching, and alone.
That is what happens when two souls are tied together, however the string attaching them is not just severed, not just once, but mauled. He couldn’t cope, couldn’t deal with this constant feeling of loneliness.
How could anyone?
You and I were alive
With nothing to do I could lay and just look in your eyes
Wait and pretend
Hold on and hope that we'll find our way back in the end
Since James left him, he had felt as if he was dying, as if he had lost half of himself.
He bared himself completely to James, just for him to leave, like everyone else. He had told himself that James was different, that he would never be left alone again, but this had become another lie whispered under the cover of night.
They had sworn that they would stay together, that nothing would come between them. Maybe Regulus was naive for believing these unrealistic promises. But that's what you do when the one you love speaks into your ear the words you have longed to hear for your entire life.
When the relationship ended, it seemed his life did too. With James, he felt a safety he had never felt before, and now he knew what it was like, he would never be the same.
The warm expanses of James’ eyes were the only place that he saw as home.
Countless nights were spent with Regulus praying to anyone who would listen that they would make it, imagining scenarios in their future, pretending they had left Hogwarts and were still together. The last few months of their relationship was spent with bated breaths, the looming possibility that they would break up - the waiting was the worst part. The longer it took, the more time he had to overthink everything that happened throughout their time together, the more time he had to ruin everything.
It was almost a relief when James walked out the door for the last time, for Regulus was then, finally, able to relax completely, to release the air that was built up in his lungs.
This didn't stop him from hoping that they would return to each other. Under his bed was a trunk full of James’ stuff that he couldn't bear to throw away but simultaneously couldn't bring himself to look at.
One day, he told himself, one day James would come back for his things, for him. One day they will meet again.
There was something about you that now I can't remember
It's the same damn thing that made my heart surrender
And I'll miss you on a train
I'll miss you in the morning
I never know what to think about
I think about you
About you
Months passed by without a word from James, and before he knew it, James had left Hogwarts, and he was in his final year. Constantly he found himself thinking about his ex, dreaming about him, and yet the details were hazy.
Little things are always the first to go.
What happens when he forgets everything?
In his dreams, James is there, looking down on him, a look of disgust painted on his face. His features are blurred, in a way that isn’t unlike the short period of time it takes your eyes to adjust after waking up. And his mannerisms are wrong, but he can’t pinpoint what it is that isnt right.
Before Regulus can understand why James is there, he speaks, always the same words.
“I tried, Regulus. And this is what happened to you. I would have helped you get out, you knew I would’ve done, I still would if you wished. But you never showed any longing to be on the same side as me, never showed that you would’ve accepted the help I wished to give you. You know I tried. You can’t hold this against me.”
And with that, James turns and walks away, and Regulus wakes up, gasping for breath. Always the same.
It was James, in the end, that almost allowed him to be good.
Almost.
Almost isn’t enough.
Some things you cannot change. Genes are one of these, no matter how much Regulus refused to admit it. He was born to fight for the wrong side, it was what was expected of him.
Self fulfilling prophecies are so cruel. Why was his future determined for him based on the family he was born into? Deep down, he believed he was a good person, he wasn’t Evil.
No one is Evil. Evil lets them off too lightly. His parents aren’t Evil, they’re bad. Evil gives the idea they have no choice in their actions, and he knew his parents chose to treat him like this.
He makes a choice of how to behave, yes, but some things were predestined. But this doesn't make him Evil, he can still be a good person. He knows he can.
Despite this, Regulus still wished for a life where he was this person that James always saw in him, he wished for a life where they shared a bed and spent as much time together as physically possible.
But he woke up without James, and he felt colder for it.
Was it better never having known that warmth than knowing what he was missing? Sometimes, he wished he had never allowed himself to succumb to James’ flirting.
James had given him the best time of his life.
And without James, what else would he be thinking about? The only constant on his mind was James, so what would he be without him? He had shaped him as a person, influenced his thoughts in a way no one else knew, did he really wish for all this to disappear?
No, he didn’t. He knew he didn't.
He wouldn't take it back even if he could.
Do you think I have forgotten about you?
About you
About you
About you
Do you think I have forgotten about you?
About you
The day he was alleviated from the constant thoughts of his ex boyfriend would be the day his life had no purpose anymore, for he never wanted to feel a life without the flutter of a touch from James. He prayed to all the Gods that would listen, hoping that they weren’t so cruel to allow him to forget the only one that made him feel alive.
Maybe they answered, as Regulus remembered James until his last breath. This was, however, two years after their breakup.
And despite Regulus’ beliefs, James remembered him until his last breath too, two years after Regulus’.
The greatest love stories end in tragedies.
Maybe in another life.