Coward
James was on the train now, he expected Regulus to be there but he was nowhere to be found. Not even Barty with Evan knew where he was.
"Reg" James found Regulus sitting on the closed toilet smoking cigarette.
"Oh hey, Jamie" Regulus said trying to sound alright and excited to see him, the nickname maybe wasn't so necessary.
"Are you high?" James asked straight way and Regulus started laughing. He was high indeed.
"No-"
"I can see it on your eyes" James says right after.
"Okay maybe a little bit" Regulus smiled hoping that James won't make a big deal out of it. It's not the first time Regulus had some weed and he never really thought much about it. It was something that made him feel better in situations like these. Well not all of them because he would be addicted by now with this attitude.
James grinned at him and sat next to him on the floor and reached out for a cigarette. Regulus gave him one and lit it.
"Are you okay ?" James asked.
Regulus so hated being asked that question, Sirius used to ask him that almost every time he run into him in school after he left. With James he tolerated it.
"Yeah, it wasn't that bad" Regulus said.
A lie.
It was awful, he wanted to say.
"Okay, well you can just tell me if you're not -I won't question you about it I promise - I hate when someone lies to me and it doesn't matter if you do it to make me feel less bad"
"Okay well maybe it was kind of awful" Regulus said, he wouldn't say it without all the weed inside of him probably.
"Do you wanna talk about it ?"
"No"
"Okay them- are you planning to hide here the whole way ? You can sit with us unless you want to sit with your friends"
"I'll go find Evan and Barty- haven't seen them the whole summer" Regulus replied, he really kind of missed them.
James just nodded and smiled.
And he really went to see Barty with Evan, he told them everything about the summer.
He told them about Lucius and the Mark and all of it but mostly he was talking about the week he spend at the Potters.
He told them about the camping trip, vomiting into the lake with Lily Evans holding his hair and talks with Remus Lupin about the books he read.
He told them about all the talks he had with James's dad and about sucking James Potter's cock.
They were - well - impressed and surprised a lot.
It was admirable how they did not started with the 'you got the Mark ' talk, instead there were the 'YOU SUCKED JAMES'S COCK' impressed looks.
It almost looked like they weren't trying to avoid the talk about the Mark, they were just so impressed by the other things.
Of course they discussed it after but it wasn't anything big, they always knew that he was about to get the Mark by time.
---
Regulus comes to the astronomy tower that night.
He doesn't expect James to be there, he isn't even sure if he wanted James there in this period of time.
Sitting there and listening to music with headphones on his ears. Not hearing anything.
He rolled up his sleeve slowly, he looked at it with disgust.
He just wished it disappeared, he wished himself to disappear.
Regulus felt someone behind him.
He took off the headphones immediately to find James standing there with his cloak in his hands.
James looked at the dark Mark on regulus's hand with a disbelieve in his eyes, there was something really wrong and they both knew it. Regulus already overthought this exact situation. He didn't know which way James will react. Will he run away ? Will he cry, yell, will he be angry, sad, or disappointed ? Will he slap him, scream at him or will he smash the vase from the table next to him against the wall? Usually Regulus can tell what is James about to do, James is pretty predictable person when it comes to emotions.
"Why the fuck would you let them do it ?" James exhaled as he almost couldn't stand on his own legs.
"James I didn't want this I just - I couldn't say no " Regulus gasps trying to find the right words but somehow he's not much successful in that.
"No-no you said that they can't force you - you said that you have to agree to take the mark yourself" James sounded almost desperate but he couldn't even look to Regulus's eyes. Regulus noticed that and as much as he hated eye contact he so wanted James to look at him and never look away. He wanted James to look at him the way he looked at him before.
"I agreed because I couldn't not to- It's quite hard to explain because I don't think you can ever understand but I did it for the sake of everyone- "
"How was that for the sake of everyone Regulus ?" James visibly couldn't bear it any more, his legs were about to fail him so he just sat on the floor, he closed his eyes for a while and Regulus hesitated but he sat right next to James, he felt like fainting too after all.
"They wouldn't just let me leave James" Regulus whispered and James opened his eyes, every time Regulus put James's name on the end of the sentence it felt more precious and -it just felt like the things he was saying were meant to be for James and it also felt like he needed understanding, he needed James to understand his situation.
"That's not gonna work Reg-you're one of them that's just - that's just the most horrible thing you could do for fuck's sake" Regulus was surprised by the coolness in James's voice. It sounded like he was really like truly disappointed and the worst thing about all of this was the fact that Regulus knew where was this conversation heading. This was the end.
But Regulus for the first time in his life choose to be selfish, he didn't want James to leave, so yeah maybe it was selfish but Regulus just needed to do anything to keep James in his life and get his trust back.
"I'm not like them- I mean nothing changed basically, I'm not a bad person James- I thought that I'm but recently I discovered that I'm not. I am not good person either but I'm not bad, not when you're around. I need you to tell me that-" Regulus says preciously and desperately at the same time.
"I'm sorry" James gives him apologetic smile, he can't tell him that he's not a bad person, Because how could anyone with the dark mark on their hand could not be bad?
James stood up and was about to leave.
"I'm in love with you James- I just -just don't leave, leave now you have every right to leave but don't leave forever please James" Regulus whispered and James's hearth just skipped a few beats
James knew that if he looked at Regulus, he would ended up hugging him and kissing him so he didn't turn around he just left without a word being said.
He had to think about it properly.
He headed back to his dorm and on the way tears were running down his face, he didn't even care, he just let them fall down.
"James what's wrong?" Sirius joined James on his way to the dorm. James didn't even questioned the fact that Sirius was walking casually around the corridors in the middle of the night.
"I just - you know I went to see Reg and we had a fight" James didn't know what to say, he didn't figured out in his head yet what he'll tell the others, he didn't want everyone to look at Regulus as a death eater now but he knew he would tell them obviously not the confessing love part.
But this was Sirius. If Regulus wasn't his little brother, he would be the one James would speak with about all of it.
"Oh he's gonna realise that whatever shit he had done was shitty thing to do. He's always been like that you know, don't worry about it "
"No I - he got the mark Sirius" It was no point in hiding it and he really wanted to talk about it with someone else than just himself.
Sirius was quiet for a few seconds.
"shit " Sirius whispered
"Is he - how is he ?" Sirius asked.
"I don't really know we haven't talked much - shitty probably" James said, he was wondering if he did a bad decision by leaving him. He needed someone-but he has Barty and Evan right?
"James ?" Sirius begins quietly.
"yeah ?"
"I know that I'm not in a place to tell you what to do but could you maybe look after him at least, he's in a bad position and I know you have every right to be mad at him but he'll need you, I can't be there for him but you can, do it for me please he's - he's my little brother James."
James didn't know what to say really he just nodded but it was hardly noticeable.
Sirius excused himself he actually needed to find something but James was too exhausted to offer help.
---
"I don't know -- James left and I don't think that he'll come back it makes me feel so sick, why does it feel like that ?" Regulus came back to his dorm.
"That's how being in love feels mate " Barty smirked at him.
"What would you know " regulus gasped.
"You would be surprised how much do I know " Barty said quietly almost sounding like he didn't spend six years loving Regulus Black since the year they got here, he never really stopped loving him but there is a huge difference between loving someone and being in love with him .
Love is incredible truly, it can be the most indescribable and deep emotion that one can feel.
One would say that loving someone and being in love with someone is the same but it's not indeed.
You choose to love someone but being in love with him, you can't choose that.
You have all the power when it comes to loving someone. You make a decision based on their personality and you choose to trust their abilities and morals.. The same cannot be said if you fall in love with someone. It can happen at any time, there will be no warning, and it’s something you cannot walk away from. Even if you manage to walk away, that feeling will stick with you forever, that is how you know that you’re in love with the person.
And when Barty realised that he was in love with Evan, the thing he felt for Regulus was clear to him, because he couldn't love anyone the way he loves Evan.
"He'll come back if he cares about you " Barty said and he knew that Regulus knows that James cares about him no matter what.
----
"Potter ?" Evan shouted across the hall and James turned around.
"Evan ?" James didn't really talk to Evan at all, it was weird hearing his name with Evan's voice.
"Yeah Evan that's me " He said weirdly, he realised after he said it that it sounded a bit hilarious
"yeah I know " James giggled a bit not even realising it.
"You probably know what I am here for but I'll say it anyway - I know that you are mad at Regulus and stuff but he doesn't deserve it James. You can blame a lot of people for what he became but not him, you can blame his parents, you can blame Lucius Malfoy who made the process earlier, you can blame his brother who left him this role but you shouldn't be mad at him "
"You don't get it do you ?" James asked looking at him exhausted.
"It's not just that, he didn't even plan to tell me originally and he told me he loved me and - and how am I supposed to process all of that in one fucking day ? I don't even know if he meant in or if it was just messed up way to make me stay"
"He told you he loves you ?" Evan couldn't believe it really, it actually sounded like a making him stay prompt more that love confession.
"No actually he told me he's in love with me if it makes a difference " James said and looked at his shoes nervously.
"Do you love him ?" Evan asked all of a sudden.
"I- what?"
"Do you love him Potter?"
"----Yes" James whispered.
"So love him-- coward " Evan rolled his eyes and left James standing confused in the middle of the hall.