Guilty Or Not
To be completely honest Harry never knew when it was normal to feel guilty, at the Dursley he was guilty of every things that went bad; if Dudley was sick, if the food wasn’t good, if the bills were too high, even when uncle Vernon hadn’t had a good day at work, when aunt Petunia would break something, it was his fault. It wasn’t important if blaming him wasn’t realistic, it was simpler so that's what they would do. Why be reasonable and use logic when they could take their frustration away on their nephew? And Harry did believe them, sometimes, because that was all he ever knew.
At Hogwarts, things were different, weird things would still happen around him, but he had friends to support him and he had explanations for most of them. People -mostly students- still hold him responsible, with any actual proof, for things he didn’t do but adults wouldn’t punish him for them, except for Umbride and Snape.
The mind-healer he had sessions with those last five, told him he tended to feel responsible for things because of the abuse of the Dursley and the numerous articles that paint him wrongly in the people magazine’s didn’t help him build a healthy relationship with guilt.
Harry was seventeen the first time someone told him it wasn’t normal to feel guilt in a situation he should simply feel shame. At first he didn’t understand the distinction, but now it was much clearer; Shame was supposed to make him feel bad so he wouldn’t make the same mistake again, Guilt would make him feel miserable and do much more than an apology to ensure that people would forgive him. And while feeling guilty from time to time wasn’t a bad thing, it was when he would still feel it years later, even worse when he wasn’t even truly responsible for what had happened.
He had improved a lot since the end of the war but it didn’t mean he was perfectly fine.
So this morning, when Harry woke up after having -inappropriately- dreamed of his best friend’s older twins brothers, for the second night in a row, it wasn’t shame he felt, but straight up guilt. So he had to find a way to excuse himself for it, without actually saying what he was apologising for, because he really didn’t see how he could explain to Ron that he was dreaming of getting shag by two of his older brothers, at the same time.
Hermione and Ron were coming to spend the last of the break with them, they had agreed to do half and half but the two of them had decided to let Andromeda and Teddy use the house before barging in. So Harry locked himself in the kitchen, having found the perfect way to excuse himself without anyone realising it, the saying; “The fastest way to a man's heart is through his stomach” was proved to be true for Ron.
Was half of the dishes not appropriate for breakfast? Yes. Was there too much food? Yes. Was he locked
in the kitchen since five in the morning? Yes. But did Harry care about any of it? Absolutely not.
He stopped for a total of twenty minutes when Teddy woke up, changing him and giving him a bottle before strapping him onto his torso and continuing on, until he heard the door open and the strong voice of Ron quickly followed by a shush from Hermione.
“I’m in the kitchen!” Harry could hear Ron’s steps as he walked in, while Hermione stayed in the living room with Andromeda.
“Well shit mate, you’re planning a party?”
“No, I just felt like cooking, it’s kind of a special day isn’t it?”
“Yeah. But we’re gonna need more stomachs to be able to eat everything. I can ask Ginny and the others if they want to come?”
“Yeah, I might have gone a bit overboard…”
“A bit? Harry, there's enough to feed the whole street!” Hermione shrieked, her eyes big and focusing on the numerous dishes covering the table.
“Yeah okay I might have gone carried away…” Harry was starting to feel anxious under Hermione's piercing gaze, she knew him better than anyone else and she always picked up on the small things.
“Harry’s been locked in the kitchen since before I even woke up, he must be excited to have you here.” The calming voice of Andromeda sitting at the kitchen table defuses the tension off Harry's shoulders quite easily, giving Hermione a probable, simple explanation.
While Ron got to the living room to call his siblings by the floo, Hermione and Andromeda started another conversation taking Teddy away from Harry and feeding him his second bottle, Harry started on the drinks making two cups of tea, a black coffee and another one with milk and four glasses of pumpkin juice.
“Ginny is coming with Luna, the others can’t.”
“Perfect, I haven't seen Luna in a long time. Can you take the drinks? I just have to make theirs and we will be all set.”
“Yeah, no problem.”
Ten minute later, the sound of floo landing could be heard in the living room and Harry stood up to go welcome them, he kissed Ginny on the cheek before turning to Luna and hugging her, she used to visit him at St Mungos but they hadn’t found time to see each other since he was out. She was still in school and couldn’t go away whenever and wherever she wanted, on Harry’s side; life has been quite chaotic since he’s been out, between renovating the house, the lessons with Malfoys, trying to find a way to reunite the family and learning to take care of Teddy and all of that while having to deal with the “outside” world he hadn’t been exposed to for the last five months.
Detaching himself from the younger girl, he put his hands on one of her shoulders, doing the same with Ginny and guided them gently toward the kitchen.
“How’s life been treating you Luna?”
“Good, life has been good to me.” She made a little pose just before passing the kitchen door, indicating Ginny to walk in before them with a gentle jerk of her chin and finally turning to Harry to lock her blue eyes in his green ones. “You should be careful with the Wrackspurts, I can feel one floating around you.”
“I will.”
Harry was clearly confused, he had heard the young girl talk about them but he hadn’t remembered a single thing about them. Not that it had any importance really, Luna would have been clearer if it was anything serious. The Ravenclaw simply hummed lightly before turning away and proceeded to use her soft voice to wish everyone a good morning while taking place on the chair in front of her drink.
And as natural as it was during their time at Hogwarts, they all started eating and talking about sweet nothing, not taking notice of the brown owl perched on the other side of the street, letting the letter he was holding fall in the hand of an old, grumpy elf.
----