Boys

Regulus was settled on a picnic blanket with all his best friends around him. He was squeezed between Dorcas and Pandora while Barty and Evan were climbing the tree in front of them. The three on the ground were watching and listening to Barty and Evan bicker and stumble in the branches in comfortable silence.

Regulus liked these days. Where he got to sit in the sun and listen to his favorite people. Regulus had, earlier in the day, visited the kitchens and helped the elves making their picnic food. There was a tub of strawberries and oranges, half eaten (mostly Barty’s doing), with an array of different small sandwiches. Some other snacks were also scattered around.

“Regulus,” Dorcas asked, breaking the silence between the 3 friends. Barty and Evan, though, were still bickering loudly, detached from whatever conversation Dorcas was starting up.

“Hm?” Regulus hummed, with his own voice. He only really used the MAAC device sometimes. When he was with his friends, he usually felt able to use his voice comfortably anyway. The only times he’d use the device in public, he’d also lip-sync the words. He knew he wasn’t under his parents clutches, or wouldn’t be, soon enough, but old habits died hard. He still felt weak for showing his inability to talk. He rarely touched his friends in public because Mother had said public displays of affection showed weakness. Regulus still stood and sat ramrod straight, always, terrified of the punishment he’d get for slouching. Weakness was the worst thing to show in the Black family.

“Are you alright?” Dorcas asked, snapping him out of his thoughts.

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Regulus drawled, accusingly. His friends knew he didn’t like to talk about his emotions, and they usually respected that. When it got, or he got, too bad or depressed, they would force him to talk about it, though. Regulus didn’t understand why she was asking now, his circumstances were better than they’d ever been before.

“With Sirius. I know you’re grateful to have him back. I know you think you should feel excited. I also know you’re upset about it,” Dorcas noted, shoving the black haired boy with her elbow.

Regulus avoided her meaningful gaze. “I’m not. And if I was, I would have no reason to be. My circumstances are better than before, much better than any time before this,” he felt he would be going non verbal soon if they continued talking about this. He pointed at his mouth to signal this thought to Dorcas. Dorcas turned to her purse.

“One moment,” she mumbled, rummaging through her bag. “Here we are,” she took out Regulus’s device and handed the hair clip to him, letting the quill and notebook float. “I knew for a fact you wouldn’t bring this and I also knew for a fact you’d need it,” Regulus turned towards her.

“So you planned this conversation? Ambushed me with my guard down?” Regulus accused, using his device.

“Your guard is not down-“

“As down as it ever gets-“

“That’s exactly my point, Reg. I don’t think you’re okay. I want you to be okay. I know a lot about you, and I know that you’re feeling conflicting emotions about the Sirius thing. I know that you’re blaming yourself for it, so not only is it sadness and happiness, but it’s anger and guilt and shame, too,” Dorcas sighed. “I think you need a mind healer”

“I’m not letting someone magic up my brain,” Regulus stated, turning his eyes back towards the two boys in the tree.

“That’s not what a mind healer does; they don’t use magic for their jobs. Muggles have their own version, and they call them therapists or psychologists! I think I might want to be one when I grow older,” Pandora chimed in, dreamily. She didn’t fully melt the tension in the air, but it definitely dissipated a bit.

“What do they do, then?” Regulus’s device inquired, while he glared daggers at the tree.

“They talk to you about your emotions-“

“Not happening” Regulus objected, interrupting Pandora.

“And sometimes they find out if you have a disorder with your mind. A lot of the disorders are based on trauma, so I’d assume you have at least one” Pandora finished, ignoring Regulus’ objection.

“Reg. I think it’d be good for you. And I know showing weakness is the bane of your overall existence, but you’re trying to change, aren’t you? I want you to heal. You can’t do that with your walls up.”

Regulus looked back at Dorcas. Her gaze looked much as normal as it always was, but Regulus could see the pleading in her eyes and hear it in her tone and words.

Regulus looked back, breaking eye contact. He tried using his voice again. He opened his mouth, no words came out of him. No words came out of his device either. He didn’t have anything he wanted to say, even though he could.

Regulus could see the truth in Dorcas’ meaning. He wouldn’t get anywhere with his walls up and masks on. That didn’t mean it was easy to break his walls down and take his masks off. He dismissed the conversation and Dorcas sighed. I’ll think about it, he told himself. He did not tell that to Dorcas, who was looking at him with disappointed and pleading eyes. Regulus looked to his right. Pandora was smiling but the “please” was as visible in her eyes as was the girl on his left’s.

He’ll think about it.

-

Regulus walked into the library on a Monday. Earlier in the week, Sirius invited Regulus to join the nerds’ (Sirius’ words, not Regulus’) study sessions.

Apparently, Remus and Lily have them nearly every day. Sirius said different members of the Marauders and Valkyries, as they have dubbed themselves, fill in and out of the sessions regularly. Apparently Sirius also has a lifetime ban from the library and Remus doesn’t change where they hold the study sessions because Sirius would be a distraction anyways.

Regulus would have laughed at that if he weren’t so nervous. He didn’t know any of the people there more than seeing and deliberately ignoring them in the halls in his past years. Regulus wondered what Sirius told them about him. If they though he was like his parents. He also had much smaller worries, like how the dynamics will be and if he doesn’t fit in. Maybe if Sirius’ friends didn’t like Regulus, Sirius won’t either. Or maybe he’d always just be on the sidelines around them. He didn’t know what they’ll talk about, or how he’ll contribute to conversations, or if he’ll do it wrong and they’ll judge him.

He put arms together in front of him. His constant fidgeting got beaten out of him at a young age, but he still found ways to do something similar to it. He touched his pulse point on his right wrist with his left fingers and discretely bobbed his head in rhythm with his heartbeat. This got a lot harder to do discretely when his heart was pumping at the speed it was.

Regulus looked up and around the library. He spotted Remus with his hair clip in, head turned down to his paper, and a few of Sirius’ other friends on the chairs next to him.

Regulus composed himself and let his arms drop to his side. He could tell they had a silencing charm because when he walked closer, he heard Lily’s voice halfway through a sentence he didn’t hear before. That at least lessened his worries about using his device, because he definitely would need to, but didn’t want other students to realize.

Lily finished giving her advice to Remus and looked up.

“Oh! Regulus!” She exclaimed, standing up and offering her hand. “I’m Lily, Lily Evans. I’m one of Sirius’ friends. it’s nice to meet you!”

“Nice to meet you too,” Regulus said with his device. He ignored her offer of a handshake and sat himself on the other side of Remus. Lily regarded him curiously, clearly thrown off by being denied a hand shake.

“This is Moony, or Remus Lupin if you want to be proper,”

“Hello, Regulus. Sirius has told me about you,” Remus said with his mouth closed, his device’s quill writing on it’s notebook. He smiled sweetly at Regulus.

“Hi. He’s told me about you,” Regulus responded.

“Here’s Peter Pettigrew, you might’ve heard the boys call him Wormtail,” Lily said, imitating the Marauders with a posh accent.

“Hey, it’s not my fault I got stuck with that name!”

A curly black haired girl snorted, “least we don’t call you Tampon like we do Sirius,”

“That’s Mary Macdonald,” Lily chuckled, settling in her seat between Remus and Mary again.

“How’d you end up calling Sirius Tampon?” Regulus inquired.

“The boys call him Padfoot, which devolved into Pads, which we turned into Tampon” Regulus’ attention was directed back to Mary. She rose a hand, apparently ignoring how he denied Lily’s hand. “Pleasure to meet you,”

Regulus, once again, ignored the hand, and said “Nice to meet you, too.” He knew he must be coming off as rude to the others, but he was not going to sacrifice his own comfort for saving their egos and shaking their hands. Remus seemed unperturbed by it.

“We’re between projects right now, just working on homework. Need help with charms, or anything?” The Lupin boy asked. Regulus shook his head.

“I had an idea for a project, but I’m not sure how to start,” Regulus stated. Remus’ small smile widened.

“What’s the idea?” He asked with his device.

“I was wondering if we could make a sort of googles or other contraption to help people find constellations. My friends can never find the stars I tell them to look for, and they can’t connect the stars in their minds to see a constellation,”

“Wormy, get your notebook out,” Remus said excitedly, turning to Peter

“On it!” Exclaimed Peter, already rummaging through his bag on the ground.

“Regulus, you said they could be a type of goggles or glasses, right?” Remus questioned, turning back toward him.

“Yes. Either works,” Regulus responded flatly.

“You want them to be decorated with a star theme, or something? I’m not gonna help if you’re making it plain and dull” Mary stated, crossing her arms.

“Star theme is fine. Pandora will like it,” Regulus decided

“Is Pandora your girlfriend?” Lily inquired politely.

“Not any more than Sirius is smart”

“That is to say, not at all?” Mary questioned

“Exactly,” Regulus responded, closing his eyes and nodding his head.

“Lily, you have your self-writing quill?” Remus questioned

“Yes, but I don’t have any extra paper, I ran out recently,”

“No worries, I got it,” he reached into his bag, pulling out the papers needed.

“Reg! Can I call you Reg? Come over here, we’ll brainstorm the design!” Peter called from the other side of the table.