everything felt light. as if the whole world was slowly losing gravity. as if the tether to the ground had been broken. as if the next time his feet left the ground, he would float into the clouds and never return.
he felt angelic. he felt indestructible. he felt immortal. he felt infinite.
he truly could do anything he desired and never see the consequences. the past two weeks had been full of increasingly ridiculous pranks and endless adventures to honeydukes. sirius refused to sit still, to be contained, he needed to run free. he needed to be free. he needed to fly. fly so far away from everyone he's ever known. he needed to touch the stars. to dance with the moon.
it wasn't the first time sirius had felt this way. and it was far from the last. but he didn't care. this was his favorite way to feel. absolutely euphoric.
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the sun had not yet risen when sirius began trumpeting around his dorm, deciding it was time for the marauders to rise and start their day. usually, james took this job since he was naturally the first one up. but sirius could no longer stir impatiently in the silent snores of his friends.
"mooooonyyyyyy, rise and shine my moonbeam!" his attempt to softly coax remus out of dreamland was only that. an attempt.
"shove off, pads, it's still dark out." remus turned away from sirus and buried his head in his pillow to muffle the sounds.
"have it your way, moons," he quickly turned and made his way to the other boys, "oi, prongs, wormy, up and at 'em." peter groaned and hid under his blanket while james sat upright, rubbing sleep from his eyes.
"pads, what time is it?"
"5. sun should be up soon, thought we could watch the sunrise."
"merlin's beard, how long have you been up?" James swept his legs over the side of his bed, sirius taking the liberty of pulling him to his feet.
"long enough, mate, now lets go! the astronomy tower has a killer view, we gotta see it." he attempted to drag james behind him. again, attempted.
james pulled his arm from sirius' grasp, watching carefully as sirius turned to face him, betrayal in his eyes.
"pads, go back to bed, its saturday. we're supposed to sleep until noon." James took his place back in bed. sirius just stood for a moment before turning back to the door.
"fine, i'll go alone then."
sirus stormed his way to the common room, then trotted along till he reached the astronomy tower. he leaned against the rail and admired the feeling of the chilled wind on his cheeks. like flying on a broom, he thought, i should go for a fly. and so he did.
upon his exit, james shot a worried look towards the door, looking around to see a similar expression on peter's face. none of them were sure what had gotten into sirius lately, but they figured something had to be up. he had been a careless ball of impulsive energy, endless in his activities for two weeks. always finding somewhere to go, needing something to do.
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sirus ditched the tower before the sun had reached it's peak, instead admiring from the quidditch pitch. he flew laps around the pitch for what felt like only a few minutes, but turned into hours. he couldn't remove himself from the air, he felt so free.
james and peter, after sleeping till noon as promised, made their way to the great hall for lunch. remus elected to stay in and read a bit before facing the day. it worried them once more when sirius was nowhere to be found. james began asking around if anyone had seen him, nobody has.
just as james was ready to search every inch of the grounds, sirius strutted into the great hall and found his place at the table.
"merlin, sirius, you gave me a right scare. where've you been? you said you watching the sun rise, it's well after noon now!" while he'd never admit it, james was certainly the mother hen of his friends. always placing their health and safety at the top of his priority list.
"relax, prongsie, just went for a quick fly. sunrise was gorgeous, by the way, you lot really missed out."
"a quick fly? mate, you've been gone nearly seven hours!"
"hardly. i was bored. none of you gits wanted to get up. what was I supposed to do?"
"sleep, sirius. honestly, when's the last time you did? i haven't seen you rest in days. what's going on with you?" it was in james' nature to worry, though sirius didn't quite appreciate the implication that there was an issue.
"nothing is 'going on' with me. now if you'll excuse me, i am going to bring moony some lunch." sirius quickly loaded a plate with some of remus' known favorites and, just as quickly as he arrived, he left. james couldn't help but notice how he didn't take any food for himself.
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remus didn't bother looking up from his book as sirius entered the room. he knew who it was the moment the door flew open.
"welcome back." remus spoke unenthusiastically.
"good to be back, moons. really cleared my head out there. we should go flying some time. i know you don't fancy heights so we can stay close to the ground if you like. anyways, i brought you some lunch. figured you'd be up here with your books so i saved you the trip to the kitchens. what're you reading now, anyways?" sirius found himself rambling quite often lately, though he wasn't sure why. he just had so many thoughts in his head. so many words to say. he couldn't keep them in any longer, they flowed out willingly.
"nothing, pads," remus closed his book and sat it on his nightstand, "what'd you bring?"
"your favorites," sirius presented the small platter, "naturally."
remus took the plate and began picking at it, not really having much of an appetite yet. he offered to share with sirius but the offer was quickly turned down, sirius claiming he ate with james and peter.
while sirius knew it was a lie, he truly was not hungry. there was no space in his stomach for food as it felt like he was full of helium. he could feel the gas floating through his veins, carrying his every step, only the clothes on his body weighing him down.
remus placed the near-empty plate next to his book and watched the boy closely as he wandered about the dorm, rambling on about one thing or another. while he didn't pay mind to the words, he couldn't help but catch the distance in his eyes. as if his mind was elsewhere. and it was. sirius' mind was slipping away from his body, slowly finding its way to the clouds. still he couldn't stop the waterfall of words that continued spilling from his tongue.
"-you know what, moony? we should go for a walk! go sit out by the lake, find shapes in the clouds, maybe go for a swim. we could-"
"sirius, it's october. it's bloody freezing out. no way we're going for a swim."
"oh come on, moons, live a little. a little cold never hurt anyone." sirius now sat on remus' bed, nudging his shoulder as to convince him it's a good idea.
"yeah, till we get frostbite and our toes fall off. you have fun with that, pads, i'll be here when you're done." remus resumed his book and blocked the world out once more.
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sirius carried on through the rest of the day in a similar state. chatty yet distant, constantly trying to coerce his friends to wander about and find something to do. eventually, they had all went to sleep and sirius found his way back to the astronomy tower.
he pressed himself against the rail the same way he had that morning, staring at the stars in the sky, enjoying the breeze on his face. he didn't notice, he couldn't feel it, but he was shivering. shorts and a t-shirt had done nothing to protect him from the crisp october air.
time had slipped away from him as he was lost in his head. he hadn't registered the footsteps climbing in his direction. almost hadn't registered the voice that followed them.
"sorry, i'll go. didn't realize this space was occupied." sirius whipped around to face whoever was speaking to him.
"reg? feel free, i don't mind the company," he watched as regulus paused for a moment, then slowly approached his older brother, "what're you doing up here, anyway?" regulus shrugged.
"can't sleep, wanted to watch the stars for a bit. clear my head and all that. what about you? shouldn't you be scheming with potter or something?"
"just enjoying the view, cher frère. potter wanted nothing to do with me today, thinks i need to calm down and take a break or whatever. what does he know." sirius turned to face the sky once more.
"siri, are you... how are you?" regulus could recognize his behavior anywhere. though his parents seemed to refuse there was a problem, he knew sirius. he knew how sirius got sometimes. he knew he had these... episodes. these impressions that he was larger than life.
"quite brilliant, reggie. yourself?"
"you know what i mean, siri. are you feeling it again?" sirius dropped his head, breaking his eye contact with the moon.
"i'm not sure what you mean, i feel spectacular."
"bloody hell, why do I bother?" regulus grumbled to himself, "just, please don't do anything stupid, sirius. you're not invincible." and with that, regulus left.
but sirius disagreed. he felt invincible. who's to say he wasn't? who's to tell him what he is or isn't? what he can or can't do?
he couldn't say how much longer he stayed perched on the astronomy tower. but eventually, the sun had brushed the horizon and sirius made his way to his bed, finally dozing off only to be awoken two hours later for quidditch practice with james.
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practice went by rather quickly, sirius still just as wound up even with the lack of sleep. he didn't mind it, he didn't need the sleep. there were so many other things he could be doing. he spent some extra time on the pitch after practiced had ended, urging james to stay with him and attempt broom tricks. sirius invented a new game for himself, he would fly high in the air, then straight down as fast as he could, seeing how close to the ground he could get before pulling up. this frightened james more than he cared to admit. an hour had passed when james decided it was time to eat, practically forcing sirius inside as he wasn't ready to stop flying quite yet. he wasn't sure he ever would be.
sure enough, the two found their way to the great hall and met with remus and peter for lunch. it was a quick meal and sirius still couldn't find the room in his stomach what with the helium making its way through his entire body. remus left the hall to study in the library, sirius following, claiming he wanted to get ahead on his homework, which was partially true.
once sirius cleared from the hall, the younger black brother made his way to james' side, not wasting a moment.
"how long?" he asked quite sharp.
"i- what?" james muttered, obviously confused by the confrontation.
"how long has he been like this?"
"reggie, i'm gonna need a bit of elaboration."
"bloody sirius, potter! how long as he been acting like this? like he's on top of the world, like he's detached from reality, like he's merlin himself. how long as he been acting like a lunatic?"
"oh, uh, a few weeks now," james saw regulus quietly mutter to himself, "why? is something wrong?"
"no it's- well, yeah i suppose. he's just- he gets really out of it sometimes. thinks he's bloody invincible, thinks he'll live forever. mutters on about flying now and again," regulus shook his head at the thought of the last time sirius said he could fly.
sirius had been talking about it for days, how he could finally fly, he was finally ready to soar amongst the stars. he'd almost bragged about it. he had been like this for quite some time, the longest regulus had seen. energetic, overjoyed, easily excited, never taking a moment of rest, claiming he had no time to sleep as there were more important things. then, after a small disagreement with walburga, sirius was on the roof. claiming he was prepared, claiming he was lighter than air. claiming he knew how to fly.
"he gets way up there in his head, probably thinks he's actually in the sky. but he always comes back down."
"comes back down? reg, what... what do you mean? what can we do?" panic was not something james hid well.
"nothing to do, except catch him when he falls."
"well, how long does that take?" it was clear to regulus that james was so far out of his element. he almost didn't believe sirius' friends never saw this side of him yet, considering how many times he has, but james' reaction to this news proved it to be true.
"any day now, potter. any day now," regulus stood, "just- keep an eye on him. keep him close by." james nodded swiftly and regulus was off.
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once remus had finished studying for the day, sirius had followed him back to the dorm, insisting on playing a record and putting on a show. despite remus' protests, sirius picked a queen record and turned it up as loud as he could, using his wand as a microphone as he pranced around the room.
james and peter had returned to the dorm, masking their worry as best as they could.
"prongs! wormy! how kind of you to join us!"
"yeah, of course. what all this, pads?" james questioned lightly, not wanting to reveal his panicked state and newfound anxiety for the boy.
"just putting on a show for moonbeam, here. he may not seem interested, but trust me, he's loving it."
"in your dreams, padfoot," remus spoke over his book.
"just admit it moony, you're entertained!" remus only responded by switching off the record player with his wand, "he loved it."
"oh i'm sure he did," james chuckled. looking at him now, james was confused by what regulus had told him. obviously sirius was in a better mood, more elevated that usual, but he seemed happy. why should he be worried if sirius is happy? but he remember that reg said he thought he was invincible, that he'd live forever. surly that would make someone feel nice, though in hindsight it could become problematic. but he couldn't imagine sirius doing anything drastic. though he has been out on the pitch quite a lot lately, James supposed, maybe that's what he meant by flying.
it made enough sense in his mind and he assumed that was the case. now james had contemplated sharing this information with remus. was it worth it? was regulus being dramatic? was there really something wrong with sirius? he soon figured it was better to keep remus in the loop either way. after all, it wasn't often regulus seeked conversation with his brother's friends.
it didn't take long for sirius to wander once more, claiming he needed to make a trip to the kitchens even though dinner was in a few hours. peter elected to join him, regulus' words still fresh in his mind. while they were gone, james took his opportunity.
"hey, uh, moons? there's something i need to tell you." remus instantly placed his book in his lap, reading james' uneasiness rather quickly.
"what's up, prongs?"
"it's about sirius," james took a pause to stabilize his thoughts.
"right tosser, the way he's acting. you'd think he's on drugs or something," remus cut in.
"yeah, about that. reg spoke with me and pete at lunch after you left. said sirius gets like this sometimes. 'way up in his head'. he said there's nothing we can do but catch him when he falls. he seemed upset about it," james couldn't shake the queasiness in his chest, "he said we should keep an eye on him for a bit."
"is there something wrong with him?" remus tried to absorb the words, but he wasn't quite sure what they meant.
"seems like it. why else would reggie talk to us? he was warning us of something. something about flying, i s'ppose, he seemed most upset when he said that." james thought back on the way regulus shook a thought from his head.
"what does that mean?"
"no bloody clue, mate. i think it has something to do with how much time he's spending on the pitch recently. but honestly, moony, i'm at a loss."
"right, then. i'll try to stay up with him tonight. merlin knows he hasn't been sleeping." james nodded, trying to form a response, but was cut off by the door swinging open and sirius and peter waltzing through.
they'd brought back some pastries for the group to share, joining the crowd on remus' bed. while the three of them housed the pastries, sirius nibbled at one for a while before throwing it away unfinished, afraid too much would expel the helium feeling in his core, forcing him back down to earth.
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dinner passed by much slower than the rest of the day had. sirius felt as if time was freezing around him. it was like he was the only one moving at a regular pace. he could feel himself inflating as the helium completely replaced his bloodstream. he thought nothing, hoping that as soon as the other boys finished their meals they could have an adventure.
regulus watched from across the great hall, staring intently, observing the subtle changes in his brother. he could see the crash on its way, he knew all the signs by now. the distant look in sirius' eyes started slipping into determination. he could only hope for the best at this point. one thing he knew for sure was that he'd be making a trip to the astronomy tower tonight, just in case sirius decided he could fly again.
after what felt like hours, but was no more that forty minutes, the marauders had returned to their dorm. james and peter engaged in a game of chess, peter insisting he teach james to play. remus wandered over to sirius, who was rambling to himself quietly in bed.
"hey, pads," he spoke softly as he sat, not sure if sirius was actually there or if his mind had wandered away again. the movement, however, seemed to bring him back.
"oh hey moons, what can i do for you?"
"not much, just wanted to check in on you. you've been pretty wired recently, anything you want to talk about?"
"merlin, not you now," he grumbled.
"what do you mean?" the calm tone remaining as remus was afraid of setting something off.
"reggie was interrogating me the other night, asked if i was 'feeling it again'. said i'm not invincible. what does he know, anyways? be thankful you don't have siblings, moonbeam, they never know when to drop anything."
"well, pads, hate to break it to you but nobody is invincible," sirius glared up at him, "have you felt this way before?"
"fucking hell, mate, the pair of you," sirius sat up rather quick, "i feel bloody brilliant, there is nothing wrong with me! one bad day any suddenly reggie thinks i'm delusional. did he put you up to this? is that what this is, some sort of intervention? he's the crazy one for always thinking something's wrong with me." sirius was now standing, becoming animated with his anger.
"pads, that's no-"
"i can't believe you'd even side with him over me, i'm your best friend. what did he tell you anyway? huh? go on spill it, i already know you've been corroborating with my little brother behind my back, may as well tell me what he said! just fucking tell me, remus!" remus can't remember the last time sirius used his first name. always using a nickname of sorts, 'remus' wasn't in his vocabulary anymore. "je ne peux pas être ici maintenant."
"wait, pads! where are you going?" james now stood, attempting to follow sirius but instead being met with a slamming door.
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"bloody brother, turning my friends against me instead of just buggering off for fucking once, just give me a damn break," sirius planted himself in the same spot as before, only now on the outside of the railing. his spine pressed flush against the rail, slightly leaning forward, head pointed toward the moon.
"merlin, the moon is gorgeous. wonder what it feels like up there," sirius trailed off, quickly diffusing his own anger, "how's about i finally join you up there, yeah? i'm sure i got the flying down now. i've been practicing, i can do it this time."
sirius was too engrossed in the image of the moon to notice the figure chasing after him. remus stood silent, steadying himself a bit before intervening.
"pads?" no response.
"padfoot." more stern. still nothing.
"sirius, please," desperation no longer withholding itself. though he still didn't verbalize a response, his fixed gaze left the moon, finding the ground beneath him instead.
"i can do it this time, i swear."
"do what, sirius? what are you doing?"
"go away, remus, now's not the time." his eyes still fixated on the ground below.
"sirius, please, you're scaring me." you're scaring me. he heard regulus in the back of his mind. siri, you're scaring me. please just come inside.
"i-i can't. i have to do this. i'm ready this time, i promise!" the cracks in his voice were unmistakable, "please, you don't understand. i've been practicing, i know what to do, i'm sure this time, please!"
"sirius, just come here," remus pleaded, "please, i'm right here. talk to me, pads, tell me what's going on." he felt his own voice cracking now. he's sure he has never been more uncertain in his life. he always knew what to do, what to say, but he was completely lost. he didn't know how to get through to sirius, to surpass the fog that clouded his mind.
before sirius could respond, regulus made his entrance, nearly sprinting up the stairs and freezing at the sight of his brother. he learned from experience how to read sirius in these moments. he knew that when his gaze was fixated in the sky he was fantasizing, dreaming of being in the stars. but the ground meant action.
"siri? siri it's time to step back now. it's time to come down."
"no." he spoke rather harshly. not a tone he took fairly often, as it reminded him of his mother.
"no?"
"no. you've already ruined this for me before, i won't let you do it again."
"siri, if you don't come down, i'll have to get professor mcgonagall and she'll have to send mother an owl explaining how you tried to jump off the astronomy tower. sirius, she'll have you sent to the looney bin this time, is that really what you want?" regulus hated using his mother as a weapon, but sometimes it needed to be done. the realization that the brothers had been in this situation before struck remus like a bludger to the chest.
"shit, reg, why can't you just leave me alone! why must you always tie me down? i don't belong here, i belong up there! why can't you just let me go?" sirius began to sob, though he wasn't sure why. he couldn't understand why no one wanted to see him soar. why no one wanted him to be free. it was clear to the others in the room that sirius was so far gone that he couldn't grasp the fact that the fall would indeed kill him.
"siri, can you look at me?" sirius shook his head rapidly, "please, mon frère, just turn around."
"reg, why can't you believe me? i promise i can do it this time, for real. i'm gonna fly to the moon, reg, why won't you let me fly?" his grip on the rail loosened quickly as he held his arms out.
"and what happens when you don't? what happens when you hit the ground? what am I supposed to do then?" regulus could only keep his composure for so long and he had reached the breaking point. tears cascaded down his cheeks relentlessly, despite his efforts to keep them in.
"pads, please," remus finally spoke again, "please, just let us help you. we only want to help you. you need to come inside, you need to rest. you-"
"no, rem. i need to fly. i-i need to touch the stars. i need to stand on the moon. i need you to let me fly!" it was as if the moon and stars behind him were no longer enough to weigh him down. he needed the real thing. he could not bear to wait any longer.
"what do you say i tell james when he asks where you are in the morning?"
"tell him i'm on the moon. tell him i'm finally where I belong."
as soon as a leading foot left the ground, remus froze. his mind frenzied as he watched sirius begin to plummet off the side of the building. shock, horror, disbelief, all flashing before him as regulus moved quickly to cast arresto momentum, followed by wingardium leviosa to bring sirius back to solid ground safely. regulus pulled sirius into his arms as remus continued to stare at the ledge, tears pooling in his eyes. he jumped. he actually jumped.
"we've got to get him to pomfrey, he needs a sleeping draught." remus' trance was broken by the order. he helped drag sirius to the hospital wing, despite sirius' outbursts along the way.
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it hadn't reached midnight yet, thankfully, so madam pomfrey was still bustling about the hospital wing, organizing her shelves and tending to whatever students were to stay overnight. remus and regulus had practically thrown sirius into the nearest cot, holding him down as the nurse made her way towards the commotion.
"wha-" she was cut off before she could finish a word.
"sleeping draught!" regulus demanded, "please," he added.
the medi-witch obliged, seeing the state of the boy on the cot. she returned in seconds with the requested item and regulus had to force it into his brother. they continued their restraint until the potion took effect and sirius drifted to sleep.
"care to explain, mr. black?"
"sorry, poppy. rough night is all," remus offered his familiar pained smile.
"remus, dear, you can't expect me to accept that after you bring a student to my hospital against his will and force him to sleep." poppy spoke to remus is the same motherly tone she always had, but the stern implication was not lost. remus shared a look with regulus, who nodded as to give permission to speak on it.
"sirius, he- he's been having a difficult time recently. we had to drag him off the astronomy tower after he- he-" the words had escaped him. he couldn't say it out loud. after he almost killed himself.
"oh dear, i see," poppy softened, offering a look of sorrow to the unconscious boy, "well, i'm afraid i'll have to inform his head of house of such matters. as well as his parents."
"no, you can't!" regulus panicked, "you can't tell our parents, they won't respond well."
"if your brother needs help I must-"
"no, you don't understand. they won't help him, they refuse. he's done this before. they can't know." the pleading look in his eyes nearly broke the woman. it may have been against procedure, but she couldn't risk his safety any further.
"very well. but i must inform professor mcgonagall."
"thank you," regulus whispered as his eyes returned to his brother. poppy returned to her previous tasks, figuring since there are no physical injuries she wouldn't be able to tend to sirius until he woke up. she offered for the boys to stay the night, trusting remus enough to leave him alone in the hospital wing. remus graciously accepted the offer, but regulus insisted he get to bed. truthfully, he was afraid of what sirius' reaction would be when the potion wore off and he regained consciousness.
remus, as exhausted as he was with the nearing full moon, didn't bother sleeping that night. he couldn't. every time he closed his eyes, the image of sirius stepping off the tower replayed itself.
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monday morning came quickly. james and peter remained unaware of the whereabouts of the missing marauders as they went to class, figuring they would turn up. they didn't, however, as poppy had given them both the day off. no amount of calming draught would've been able to ease james' racing mind. minnie requesting a word with the two after class surely didn't help.
contrary to regulus' prediction, sirius was not seething with rage when he woke up in the hospital wing, but with sadness. they brought him back, why'd they bring him back? he was so close this time. he sat up, placing his head in his hands, rubbing the wetness away as he started crying.
"pads?" sirius almost missed the hushed call. he turned his head slowly, refusing to meet remus' eyes as tears fell from his own.
"i was floating, rem. i was gonna fly to the moon. stars can't shine without the moon." he let out a silenced sob. remus stood and wrapped his arms around the fragile boy, pulling him into his chest and holding him as the tears flowed.
"let me be your moon, sirius. fly to me. i'll be here to catch you." sirius only cried harder as his arms anchored themselves around remus. around moony. his moony. his moon. how had he not seen it before?
he was flying to the wrong moon all this time.