James was standing in front of the mirror trying in vain to comb his hair. He sighed and gave up. His stomach was a bundle of nerves. James had thought he would start to feel less nervous as time went and sure it had gotten better but it was still there. Remus was holding a study session and Sirius was map plotting. Pete was hanging out with his girlfriend.
James met his own gaze in the mirror. He wondered what Regulus saw when he looked at him. James knew what he saw when he looked at Regulus. Regulus curly lush black hair, sharp cheekbones, dark blue eyes and that piercing stare. Though James knew that Regulus technically was alike Sirius, James himself couldn’t see it that way. They had the same eye color but there eyes were still so different and the list went on. James didn’t find himself drowning in Sirius eyes like he did in Regulus. Regulus had the ability to pin him to the spot, Sirius could not do that.
James glanced down at his watch, it was 40 minutes before they were supposed to meet. He looked around the room hoping to find something in need of cleaning. Cleaning helped; James found. Whenever he felt bad, he tried to find something to clean instead of… Even if it wasn’t that bad, he didn’t like taking chances. He had been trying not to very hard lately, he had failed a few times when he was at his lowest but he thought he had done pretty good on the whole. Cleaning kept his hands busy even if it let his mind wander places he didn’t like.
The room was perfectly tidy. Or his side was anyway and he was pretty sure his friends would not like him cleaning their spots.
Shower it was then James decided. He wanted to be clean anyway. James decided to ignore that he had showered just that morning. The cold water helped to even him out. James drew in a deep breath against the icy cold. He slowly made the water warmer and warmer before stepping out. James wished the time could move faster, he just wanted to see Regulus again. He looked down to look for his school shirt.
He spotted his arm and quickly looked away. Light pink and silvery scars was visible on his arms in perfect lines. He did not like looking at them. They felt like a reminder of his lowest moments, his failures. He remembered the worst ones. James felt in those moments like there was to much pain in him. He felt like he needed to feel the pain he felt within, like he wanted to escape. Escape into the pain, just to think of anything else. He just wanted to feel a semblance of control for once. To know that he was in charge. For the demons in his head to withdraw from the edge of the blade. The sharp pain always helped him feel more in control of his own suffering. Or else when he just felt too numb for even sadness or anger, he did it just to feel something.
After he always plastered on a smile for his friends. He always smiled. James often felt like he had no right feeling as he did. He had a perfect family, good grades, a wonderful boyfriend, the best friends and was quidditch captain. Then he thought of Remus with his condition and living with muggles, he thought of Sirius with his horrible parents. Even Pete had it worse than James with the high expectations from his parents, his sister running away, his mediocre skills and his panic attacks. James didn’t know if Peter still had panic attacks like when they were young.
So James smiled and pretended. He laughed and he joked. James never spoke of his worries or woes. No one even ever asked him how he was. Everyone just assumed he was fine. He didn’t want them knowing but he couldn’t help but feel a bit resentful, having to be happy all the time.
He took on his clothes. James began walking towards their usual meeting spot. There was a rather roomy broom cupboard they had decorated and met up in.
His heart began thumping louder as he came closer. He made sure no one was looking before slipping the door open and sneaking in. It would be an absolute nightmare if anyone saw which might lead to Sirius knowing. Just the thought of Sirius knowing made him shiver. He turned and met Regulus piercing eyes. His soft lips were curved into a smile. It was one of James favorite smiles, that soft one. The smile wasn’t a grin but a soft genuine smile.
“Hi” Regulus murmured quietly. He was sitting on the couch, a book in one hand. “Hi” James breathed back and went to sit beside Regulus. His dark blue eyes followed his movements. Regulus dragged a strand of shiny lush black hair behind his ear.
“You are late” Regulus murmured as he sat down but he didn’t look angry. “I am sor- “James began but Regulus interrupted him with a kiss. His lips were ever so soft. James put a hand on Regulus cheek and the other in his smooth hair. James’s brain went fuzzy as their tongues met.
Regulus pulled back. “I am glad to see you too” James whispered. Regulus blushed slightly.
“I brought chess. Want to play?” Regulus asked. James didn’t want to stop kissing but wanted to make Regulus happy, so he nodded.
Regulus was excellent at chess, almost as good as Peter. He went into his “focus-mode” as James called it. His eyes zoomed over the board, his mouth twisted to the side. James loved watching him in his “focus-mode”. He seemed to be almost completely gone, just thinking hard.
Regulus won of course, all three rounds. He wasn’t a bad winner though, he gave James a kiss and told him he was a challenging and good opponent. James had a feeling he was lying, he was not that good at chess. He didn’t mind though.
“Want to do something else?” James asked with a small coy smile. Regulus blushed and grinned sideways. James met his gaze and reached forward to his face over the chessboard.
He pulled one hand on the back of his neck and the other on his back. Regulus tasted of spring and apples. He was cold against him. James himself was always too warm and Regulus always seemed to freeze. The only warm thing about him was the warm breath as they kissed. Regulus dragged his hand through James messy hair.
Regulus drew back frowning and James immediately wondered what he had done wrong. But Regulus just put down the chess set and moved closer to him. His heart was beating fast.
Regulus was so different once you got to know him. On the outside he was the cold, calm, disdainful, snobby heir of the blacks. And sure Regulus did have quite a bleary outlook on life and true he did not trust easily but he was anything but cold. At least to James. He was sweet and kind. James discovered that under the face he showed the world he was just a scared trapped boy.
James dragged out an arm towards Regulus face and pulled him closer.
When they had finished kissing Regulus lay down his head on James shoulder. James wondered if it was comfortable. He was a bit more on the skinny side but his upper arms and shoulders had become more muscular over the years as a result of his hardcore quidditch practices.
James kissed his beautiful hair before resting his head on top of Regulus’s. He dragged his arm around Regulus shoulder. “Do you want to hear about this prank I am thinking of doing?” James asked. Regulus often liked to listen to James talking. He talked but not as much as James.
James felt Regulus head turn. He saw and his stomach turned to a clump of ice. His shirt had slipped up revealing his scars. He felt all the blood drain from his face. No, he thought over and over. He felt Regulus notice for he flinched. James drew back his arm, but the damage was done.
James hastily dragged down the sleeve, wanting to cover it up. Regulus pulled around so they sat face to face. “James?” Regulus murmured tentatively. He couldn’t meet Regulus eyes. His heart was beating so hard in his chest that it echoed in his head. It felt like he was going to be sick. What on earth am I going to say? He thought desperately racking his brain. He couldn’t very well tell the truth but was it obvious? James couldn’t tell and his brain felt foggy with panic.
“I thought your parents were good” Regulus murmured a bit angrily. James felt horrified and appalled by the idea that his parents did it. “No, they didn’t do anything” James whispered still desperately avoiding Regulus gaze. He could feel the tears burning in his eyes and fought it as best he could. “Then who did?” Regulus asked and he sounded a bit relieved.
He tried to repress the images of the cool blade against his skin. I don’t wan’t to, i don’t wan’t to he repeated in his head, trying to convince himself of the lie.
James throat felt dry and he couldn’t speak. Regulus put a hand on James’s cheek. “You can tell me” Regulus whispered solemnly. “Me” he breathed quietly, his voice shaky. The panic began gripping his chest and he fought to remain calm.
James looked up, needing to see his reaction. Regulus brow was furrowed, and he looked worried. “Why?” he asked. James looked away again. “James, tell me. I cant help if you don’t tell me” Regulus said. “When stuff gets to tough” he spoke and felt his cheeks burn. “I try to stop I do I really do” he continued. “Come here” Regulus ordered and hugged him tightly. “When stuff gets tough, talk to me” he demanded and his voice could not exactly be described as soft. “Do you hear me. Don’t hurt yourself, talk to me instead. Ok?” he asked gentler.
James nodded fighting the lump in his throat.