Chapter 1
Albus squirmed uncomfortably in the stiff wooden chair, sitting next to his father, as they listened to professor Longbottom talk about what a bad student he is. Albus focused on running his fingernails over each other in a pattern, focusing on a simple mindless task like that always helped him pay attention to what was going on around him and this seemed like an important conversation he didn’t want to miss.
Despite his best efforts to pay attention he still drifted in and out, missing chunks of what the professor was saying but luckily he heard enough to not be totally lost when he asked his father, “I guess what I need to know is if there has been some problems at home that might be causing this. I sometimes see students acting out after a death in the family or when their parents get divorced?”
His father looked confused and answered, “No, nothing like that has happened.”
Albus explained, “The reason my grades dropped is because last semester we were learning about topics I’m interested in, I already knew most of what we were covering and it was easy for me to learn the rest. This semester I find what we’re learning about boring, I’m trying my best but it’s harder for me so my grades have gone back down to what’s normal for me.”
Professor Longbottom gave him a weird look, “Albus, I know you aren’t stupid, I’ve seen the kinds of books you read in your free time, you have the potential to be a good student, you just need to try harder to apply yourself.”
“I am trying as hard as I can!” He protested.
The professor simply said, “You clearly aren’t.”
Albus opened his mouth to argue some more but stopped when his father put a hand on his shoulder, “I’m sorry about my son, I will talk to him about putting more effort into school.”
It hurt that no one believes him when he tells them he really is trying his best. What do they think? He is being lazy on purpose? What possible reason would Albus have to not try his hardest to do well in school?
Can’t they all see how frustrated Albus is with himself? Isn’t it obvious how much he hates himself for being the way he is?
As soon as they were alone out in the hallway outside the classroom his father asked, “Is this because I don’t spank you? Would you apply yourself if you had the threat of physical punishment motivating you?”
Albus suddenly couldn’t breathe around his panic. He had finally pushed his father too far and he didn’t love him anymore. He was shaking, tears started streaming down his face. He was barely aware of his own words as he babbled out, “No, please don’t. Please don’t beat me.”
He looked shocked at Albus’s reaction, then he glanced up and down the hallway, double checking they were alone before he hissed out in an embarrassed whisper, “Why are you acting like this? I was clearly joking, I’ve never laid a hand on you in your entire life. If people saw you reacting this way they would think I’m abusing you. Is that what you want? You want people to think I’m a bad father?”
Albus realized he was right, he was overreacting again, his father had never physically or mentally abused him. Knowing he was overreacting didn’t calm his panic though, now he just felt guilty about embarrassing his father on top of everything else.
Albus’s self hatred felt like a physical band around his chest, restricting his breathing. He managed to gasp out, despite the tightness in his chest, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…”
His father continued, “My aunt and uncle were abusive to me. You don’t even know what abuse is. You have no reason to be acting like this.”
He sunk to his knees, now in a full blown panic attack, unaware of the world around him. He felt like he was dying, he didn’t want to die but some part of him felt like he deserves it.