Never Bloom Again
The familiar texture of the notebook entices him, the seduction of pretty words and artfully crafted letters a lingering calm in his mind, keeping him here, keeping him sane.
Against his better judgment, Regulus writes.
To James:
he begins, and oh. This was indeed going to be painful. He could stop. He could cross out that line, begin again, pretend like he wasn’t decaying from the inside out at his loss. But there, across the way, a child is playing and his laugh is just like James’s, and Regulus can only think of that smile he misses so dearly.
All the people in London remind me of you. I find myself unable to walk more than ten steps before the flash of a smile, the curl of a lock of hair, or a reflection off a pair of glasses catches my focus, reminding me of all that I have lost. I hear the sound of your laugh in every child and feel the tears of your sorrow in every raindrop. The beat of your heart haunts me as my own, mocking me, but reminding me that you’re still alive.
Regulus plucks a rose from the beds of the royal garden he sits in as he contemplates.
Alive.
And that’s what all this is for, isn’t it? I tried to give you space, I tried to protect you but James… I’m so alone. I’m stuck in service to a madman and all I can think about is the specks of green in your eyes from up close and the smell of your shampoo when you hold me.
A violent thought strikes Regulus, and his breath hitches.
Held me. You won’t ever hold me again. I can’t sleep. I pretend to, every night, but I’m kept up by the missing feeling of your arms around me. How am I supposed to sleep when I’ve known the sweet taste of your lips, the soft caresses of your hands, the loving warmth that is your heart?
I never thought of myself as weak, but you string along my soul until my breath feels useless. Even from hundreds of miles away, I feel you in every thought, in every movement, in every breath. This is what you’ve done to me, James. I thought I knew loneliness, I’ve been alone for years now, but nothing stings more than your absence. Alone was never easy after you.
Alone was never easy after you. Isn’t that how it always is? Protected and guarded until someone swoops in to break down all your walls and save you from yourself, but then they’re gone and you don’t know how to be alone anymore. Regulus was nothing without James.
I never thought I’d let myself give what I gave you, but James, I gave you my love, my soul, myself, all wrapped in paper and tied with a bow. Now all that’s left of me are my lonely words, crying out in desperation, missing their muse. I try to remember, to paint a picture of you with pretty words and lovely syntax, but my metaphors and idioms will never compare to your beauty or your kindness.
Regulus stares at the rose, its fragrance dancing in his nose.
You’re the sun, James, and I was a lonely white rose, drinking in your light, desperate for just a taste of your sweetness, and now I’m stained red with blood, lingering on my petals and ruining me. You’ve ruined me, but oh, you did it so beautifully.
Regulus’s grip tightens, and with it, the rose weeps, the petals crushed and marred.
Now I know I’ll never bloom again.
I love you more than you can ever know, despite the spaces between us, and I’m so so sorry.
Yours truly,
Your star.
Regulus signs his name with a quick swish of his pen, and looks at his finished product for a moment. He could send it to James. James would probably like to hear from him, just to know that he’s still alive.
Regulus rips the letter out of his notebook and ignites it without further hesitation. The ashes fall on the ground next to the crumpled rose.
Regulus abruptly stands, putting on the silver mask that haunts him in his nightmares. James may never forgive him, but as he reminds himself as he apparates to the McKinnon’s cottage, he doesn’t have to understand as long as he stays alive.
And he will stay alive. He has to.