James was gorgeous. James was gorgeous and so, so bright, shining like a star. How cruel of fate to call Sirius the brightest star when it would look so dull compared to James Fleamont Potter.
Peter knew it then, when he was 11 and all alone in that train compartment. He had nobody, and he had spent the first ten minutes of the ride crying and shaking. He was on his way to a completely new place he’s never been to before, a whole different world, and he was just so alone. He still remembers the moment James walked in, when he quickly sniffed and wiped his eyes trying to hide his tears. James paused at the door for a second, and then smiled at him, that gorgeous James smile. Peter had never felt so comforted or warm by simply seeing a smile, but that smile held so much pure love Peter swore his heart stopped.
For a while it was just them, and they got along almost instantly. There was just something about James that made him comfortable and safe. They talked all through the train ride, and James even shared his money so he could get something from the sweets trolley. With sticky fingers and chocolate coated smiles, it was just them. Until Sirius opened the door.
Back then, Peter remembers being overcome with jealousy. First it was Sirius, James immediately smitten with the pure blood. He had to watch as they talked to each other like they had lifetimes of memories and secrets. Peter was forgotten about, simply just taking up space. They joked and laughed like he wasn’t even in the compartment with them. Then in came Remus. He was a thin, lanky looking boy who wore shabby clothes, and had this certain air about him. Peter found him quite honestly off-putting. He expected James to feel the same way, or even Sirius who was clearly raised in Aristocratic society, but it seemed like James love had no bounds as he welcomed Remus in with a warm smile.
The three of them-James, Sirius and Remus- quickly became inseparable. Sure Peter was friends with them, but he was always forgotten, always last picked, always the fool of every joke. Peter couldn’t lie and say he didn’t mind, he did, but he had nobody else. Nobody else cared or even knew him. He was just, kind of there.
It was around the beginning of third year he started realising the extent of how he felt for James. How he’d look for him in every room he’d walk in, and when he saw him, stared for way longer than was probably acceptable. He knew when when James would stretch back on his bed and his shirt would rise up, revealing dark, smooth skin, Peter would feel his heart beating impossibly fast.
While Peter could probably tell James his feeling without being ridiculed, he knew they would never be reciprocated. Because Peter was Peter. Because Peter was only cared about for convenience, or just not at all. The rest of the marauders might have known his name and his face, but he bet they wouldn’t know his favourite thing in the world was stormy nights. He bets they wouldn’t know how he was ambidextrous, or how his favourite animal was a chameleon, or even how he was allergic to Mangos. They definitely would not know these things because they wouldn’t care enough to know.
That’s not to say they didn’t care about him at all, he knew he was at least loved to an extent. He also knew he was least loved.
His mental health got so bad that by the end of third year, he was eating way more meals than he should with frequent snacking throughout the day. He hated it, but he couldn’t stop. Eating was the only thing that made things better, that made him forget about things for a few minutes and just focus on the flavours he was letting himself indulge in. He literally could not control himself, and he ate himself into sickness constantly. He gained weight. Of course, the marauders noticed that. He remembers Sirius throwing an arm around him one day and loudly declaring he needed to lay off the pumpkin pastries, before laughing his head off with James. He remembers how Remus scowled his disapproval with Sirius, but didn’t say or do anything else.
Peters Animagus being a rat didn’t come as a surprise to him. He knew that he was underwhelming and unimpressive, but he was just so disappointed because of course. Of course he was a rat, while Sirius was a huge black dog, and James was literally the most regal, magnificent Stag he had ever seen. Sure Remus was a werewolf so at least Peter had that going for him, but still, a werewolf was way more interesting than a rat.
To make things even worse his nickname was Wormtail. Worm. Tail.
So yeah, Peter was pretty forgotten and under appreciated, but he could take that. He could understand why, everyone else had their own problems and he shouldn’t be so selfish as to want more attention. He got that. What he didn’t get, was how it was fair that James and Lily were so perfect together. They were just so perfect. He couldn’t describe it even if he tried, the way the two were undeniably soulmates.
He knew it made him a bad person to be so angry at that fact, but it was just so unfair. James was his. James smiled at him first, not her. James was HIS person. His. Yet she swooped in and practically had him under her spell in less than a week, and so fucking quickly James became hers.
He couldn’t handle it. They were being particularly lovey at dinner, James whispering no doubt endless compliments into Lily’s ears until she was as red as her hair. He was completely silent during the whole meal, but Sirius and Remus were too preoccupied with their own little world to even notice. Peter wished Remus would take after James and just confess to Sirius already, because he was just so sick of the disgusting flirting. At least their flirting didn’t rip his heart out like James and Lily’s.
After dinner, he snuck up to the astronomy tower. Except snuck is a bit of an overstatement, as he simply just walked away. Nobody questioned him, he doubted they even noticed.
Up in the tower, Peter felt like he could finally breathe. He felt the cool air against his skin, and finally he let himself relax. Here he could take up as much space as he wanted without feeling guilty for anything. He walked towards the edge and gripped the railing, looking down below at the drop.
“What a surprise to see you here, Pettigrew.”
The monotone voice made Peter jump and look behind him quickly, but at the sight of the black-haired boy, he relaxed.
“What do you want this time Severus?” The rest of the marauders hated him. They constantly made fun of him with that stupid nickname and he was the go-to target for most of their pranks. Peter honestly felt bad about the name, having not the most stellar nickname himself.
“Is it so wrong of me to want a break from inside? Especially when your insufferable boyfriend is all over Lily.” Peter felt a little rush at James being called his boyfriend but quickly swallowed it down. Severus stepped forward towards Peter and Peter stepped aside, making room for him.
This was not the first time they had found each other alone to simply bask in the comfortable companionship of somebody who understood them. They were from rival houses and his friends hated him, hell Peter wasn’t his biggest fan either. But he understands him, and he feels seen with him. Actually, genuinely seen and known, not just there.
They stood together, watching the stars. Peter thinks it could even be romantic if it was with someone else. Their silence was comfortable, definitely not as comfortable as James, but still Peter felt at ease. Peter liked these moments the best.
He jolted at the feel of a cool hand grasping his own, and he looked down at their joined hands. This was also not unfamiliar. Sometimes Severus would touch him, although not as intimately as lover would, as if Peter was simply substituting in for another person. He didn’t like this as much, because he knows now all Snape sees is Lily, and not him. He can’t be mad though because when Snape’s mouth finds his and his hands tangle in greasy hair, he’s also imagining a different head of messy brunette hair instead.
Afterwards, they lay on the floor of the tower. There’s no sound other than their heavy breaths and his heart pumping in his ears. He doesn’t even have it in himself to regret it, Snape being such a common occurrence to him. It was just so easy with him. Everything was so plain and simple, the fact that they were just using each other because they understood each other. It was mindless, and it made him feel better. He didn’t feel as alone.
Throughout the rest of the years the pair would meet in secret, empty classrooms, broom closets, even that one time in the greenhouse. When James and Lily somehow fell even more in love, Peter would find Snape. They would hold each other throughout the night and be coldly indifferent to each other in the day. Peter found it exhausting, but a small part of him craved it. He liked their nightly escapades because it was a distraction, and if he squinted it was almost as if he was wanted and loved.
Later, much later, he would go on to take the mark. He would take the mark because Snape would, because he knew that if he had any chance of being seen again, it would need to be with Severus and not James. James was too good for him. All Peter was is a traitorous rat, who was scared to be alone. He was too cowardly to ask for love he didn’t feel like he deserved to receive, so he chased after the only person to show him even a slither of that love he craved. Too bad Snape would never feel even anything remotely the same, because it was Peter. Because Snape was in love with Lily, brilliant, gorgeous, Lily. And he was just Peter, always the fool with the slowest heart.