Bonds and Burdens
SIRIUS BLACK: The best moments for me were always when everyone was hanging out, like normal people that didn’t care about anything.
I was at the corner table of the bustling café, surrounded by laughter and animated conversations. The aroma of freshly brewed coffee filled the air, mingling with the sound of clinking cups and lively chatter. James, Remus, Marlene, Gia, Peter, and Lily occupied the seats around me, their infectious energy bringing a much-needed warmth to my heart. Lily was spending more time with us, and that was certainly something that made me happy. Discovering more things about her personality made me believe even more strongly that she was an amazing person.
I leaned back in my chair, a genuine smile playing on my lips as I observed the group.
James, always the entertainer, had everyone in stitches with his witty remarks.
"You should have seen the look on his face when he realized he was wearing mismatched socks to the office," James exclaimed, his laughter filling the café.
Remus sat beside me, his eyes sparkling with amusement. "I don't know how you come up with these things, James. You certainly keep your life interesting somehow," he said, shaking his head with a chuckle.
Marlene and Gia, seated across from us, joined in the laughter. Marlene's eyes crinkled at the corners as she playfully nudged Gia. "You gotta get some lessons with our comedian here, Gia," she teased, her laughter bubbling up.
Peter, ever the attentive listener, grinned from ear to ear, enjoying the lively banter. "I swear to God, James.,," he quipped, earning a round of laughter from the group.
Lily, seated beside Marlene, chimed in with her quick wit. "Oh, lord," she laughed at the story, her smile radiating warmth.
In that moment, surrounded by laughter and friendship, I couldn't help but feel a pang in my chest. My eyes flickered to Remus, and for a brief instant, our gazes met. It was in those stolen moments that my heart whispered the words I dared not speak— longing for a connection that went beyond friendship. But for now, I joined in the laughter, treasuring the moments we shared, and wondering if one day, I would gather the courage to reveal the depth of my feelings. I wasn’t ready to tell him about my feelings, and maybe I would never, because that would be embarrassing and I wouldn’t forgive myself for making our friendship fall apart for some stupid feelings.
Gia took a sip of her coffee and smiled at the group, her eyes filled with a mischievous glimmer. "Oh, you guys won't believe what happened to me last week. It was the most embarrassing yet hilarious moment of my life."
Marlene leaned forward, her curiosity peaked. "Have you told me already?
Gia chuckled, her cheeks turning slightly pink. "Not yet. Alright, so picture this: I was running late for an important meeting. I rushed out of my apartment, still half-asleep, and hopped into a taxi. The driver was this super talkative guy who wouldn't stop chatting. I was so distracted that I didn't even notice we were going the wrong way."
James burst into laughter, "No way! You ended up in a completely different part of town?"
Gia nodded, a sheepish grin on her face. "Exactly! When I finally realized it, I asked the driver to turn around, but he misunderstood and took me to the wrong place again. I must have looked like a lost puppy, wandering around, trying to figure out where I was."
Remus laughed, shaking his head. "That sounds like something that would happen to me."
Peter chimed in, "But did you make it to the meeting on time?"
Gia sighed dramatically. "Sadly, no. By the time I finally arrived, the meeting was long over. I apologized and tried to explain what happened, but I could tell they were trying hard not to burst into laughter. It was a complete disaster!"
Lily chuckled, her eyes filled with sympathy. "But hey, at least you have an unforgettable story to share now!"
The group erupted into laughter, sharing in Gia's embarrassment but also appreciating the comedic value of her mishap. Between all that laughter, I felt my heart ache as I watched Gia and Marlene in front of me. They leaned towards each other, with their faces glowing with affection and a shared intimacy that made me feel sick to my stomach.
Gia's laughter tinkled through the air, and Marlene's eyes sparkled with adoration as they exchanged playful banter. They seemed so at ease, so deeply connected…
As I observed them, I couldn't help but imagine what it would be like to have Remus sitting across from me, his hand in mine, sharing stolen glances and quiet moments filled with unspoken words. My heart yearned for that kind of connection, for a love that transcended friendship.
But instead, I was left with a bittersweet longing, a silent ache that lingered beneath my smiles and laughter. I wished it was Remus sitting beside me, his eyes filled with the same warmth and affection that Marlene bestowed upon Gia.
Lost in my thoughts, I caught snippets of Gia and Marlene's conversation. They laughed and talked about silly things about themselves, like how Gia hated her coffee hot, or how Marlene couldn’t sleep without a fan on. It was those little things that made me want to scream, because I wanted to know those little things about Remus, too. I was jealous, I was sad, but there was nothing I could do about it.
“You know, next to my house there is this big three, and when I was a kid I used to draw a bunch of threes in papers and put them together like a puzzle to make a huge forest,” that sentence peaked curiosity in me, because the first thing to come to my mind is how Regulus and I also made drawing puzzles as kids.
My heart sank, and I looked at my empty coffee mug, remembering those moments, and thinking about our relationship in fights, thinking about how shitty I acted with him, and how much of a pussy I still am for not seeking contact with him again.
“You’re okay?” I heard James’ vibrant voice entering my ears, and I suddenly felt all eyes on me. I looked up, and nodded.
“Yes, perfectly fine,” I lied, because that was the right thing to do, “I just need to go to the bathroom,” I excused myself, getting up and walking in fast steps towards the washrooms.
Someone was leaving the moment I walked in, and for a few seconds I thought people would be inside, but lucky for me, it was totally empty. I leaned over the sinks and looked at the mirror, trying to see if my smile would look too forced if I put it on. I rolled my eyes, sighing. I had to stop thinking about Regulus, and about how much he hated me with every cell in his body.
I kept trying to take Regulus away from my mind, but that just seemed to be making it worse.
“Sirius,” I felt someone touch my shoulder and I shivered, looking to my side.
Lily was standing there, with worried eyes and a serious expression.
“What the fuck are you doing here? This is the male’s bathroom.”
“Like I care about a sign on a door,” she rolled her eyes before grabbing my arm and pushing me inside of one of the cabinets, “Are you okay?”
I sighed, putting my hands on my back pockets, resting my back on the wall, “I am just thinking about my brother,” I said, “Remember? The one who I lost contact with after I moved out— no, after I ran away.”
“Sirius, why don’t you reach out?”
“I’m not brave enough. I’ve tried to have a conversation with him, but we always end up fighting. He hates me, Lily.”
“Look, me and my sister don’t have a good relationship either. We don’t know anything about each other anymore, and it hurts— it hurts like hell, but sometimes having a mild relationship is better than nothing.”
“I don’t wanna have a mild relationship with Regulus. We weren’t like this, he was like my best friend.”
“I know it’s hard, Sirius, but all you can do is try to reach out, explain stuff to him and try your hardest not to fight with him,” she said, with furrowed eyebrows and a slumped posture.
I sighed, looking up. Why was this so hard?
Sometimes, I wished I could change Regulus. Make him someone softer, who understands people and does not hold anything bad against them, but that’s not him, that’s not my Regulus.
“I just miss him. I wonder if he’s okay, if he’s suffering in that goddamn house.”
“He’ll be fine, Sirius. From what I’ve heard, Regulus can take care of himself just fine.”
SIRIUS BLACK: Lily was right, Regulus could take care of myself. He wasn’t a kid anymore, and he didn’t need me to protect him, even though I failed to do that.
LILY EVANS: I hated seeing Sirius like that. We didn’t know each other for long, but I knew how painful it was for him, because I understood that pain, I lived that pain.
SIRIUS BLACK: We got back to the table afterwards, and I tried to focus on Peter’s jokes and Gia’s stories… It was hard, but I had a great time no matter what.
REMUS LUPIN: I was working so much. For weeks, I was traveling to places, recording, studying my script… It was tiring, but somehow, it was good to keep my mind away from Sirius.
When I finally got home after finishing Shadow of the Hearts. I slumped down on the old hard bed in my small apartment, feeling the weight of exhaustion settle heavily on my shoulders. My body ached, my eyes were heavy, and my mind felt foggy. I took a deep breath, looking at the ceiling. I loved my job, but I am no iron-man.
My phone started ringing, and I took it off my pocket to see Sirius’ name on it. I clicked on the accept button, and heard his voice.
“Hello.”
“Hey, Sirius. I just got home.”
“Ugh, finally. Missed you.”
“I wasn’t that far,” I laughed, taking off my shoes.
“Yes, you were. I need my best friend, you know?”
“You’re so dramatic sometimes.”
“Just realistic. How do you feel?”
“Tired, very, very tired.”
“Do you want to be alone? I can call tomorrow. It’s late anyway.”
“No, no. You’re fine. I want to talk to you.”
I heard a silence on the other side of the line, and my heart started racing. Fuck, he definitely thought that was weird.
“I want to talk to you, too,” his voice was slow, and I closed my eyes, throwing myself in the bed, finally putting my feet on top of it to feel the cold beneath them.
“How was your day?”
“Pretty boring. I didn’t do anything but watch TV.”
“I wish I was you right now.”
“Well, it’s not everyday that I get to chill in my house without responsibilities.”
“True. Sometimes I forget you’re famous.”
Sirius laughed, “Me too.I don't feel famous, you know?"
"Yeah, I feel that too. To me, I'm just a normal teenager, while there's people out there who just win their day when they see me. It's weird."
"I know, right?! Once a girl told me she wanted to marry me," he giggled, and I smiled, because it's impossible to stay serious like that.
"And did you say yes?"
"I could never…"
"Hm. Why?"
"Things."
I frowned. Was he trying to say he liked someone? Oh, God, I could throw up right now.
"Do you… have feelings for someone?"
"... what makes you think that?"
"The stuff you're saying."
"I don't like anyone," he said.
Yeah, I don't know which one is worse.
"Me neither."
"Good for us."
"Yeah, good for us…"
"How was work?"
"Good. I think the movie will turn out super good."
"It's always perfect when you're in it."
I pulled the phone away from my ear to cover my face with my hand. My heart was beating fast and sweat was forming on my forehead. It was getting deadbeat out of nowhere.
"You love me so hard it makes you look pathetic."
"Fuck you."
"You're my fan."
"Am I?"
"You are. I'm your hater, though."
"Sure you are. You're my private groupie."
"Excuse me?" I laughed, covering my mouth.
"Wait! I didn't mean it like that!"
I couldn’t stop laughing, every time he asked me to stop, I just laughed harder. It was hard to recover from that, but eventually, I was cleaning off my tears, looking at my ceiling.
"You're so weird."
"Not weirder than you, asshole."
"Whatever."
"Have you ever thought about how your life will be in five years?"
"No, actually."
"I have."
"And how is your life in five years?"
"I'm a big celebrity, and I am making shows everywhere. I'm living in New York, too."
"And where am I in that story?"
"You're being the best actor in the world, and you’re my neighbor because we live in the best street of New York."
I laughed quietly, "That's a good plan."
"And it will be real."
"We hope so."
SIRIUS BLACK: Every time me and Remus would talk on the phone, I would feel happy and nervous at the same time. I remember how much I loved his voice on the line.
REMUS LUPIN: Late nights calls were something me and Sirius did every time we could. It was something so normal between us, but at the same time new somehow.
SIRIUS BLACK: I was enjoying my time left before going on tour. Me and my friends were always together, and I even watched Peter and Sirius jamming. They were really good.
"You guys have a future," I said, and James smiled at me.
"Thank you, man. We're thinking of posting our songs by ourselves first. Just to see how things go."
"It's gonna go well. I can always ask Dumbledore for help whenever you guys want."
"For now we're good by ourselves, but we appreciate it, a lot."
I stood up, touching Peter's shoulder. I was proud of them, really proud. I remember when me and James used to sing together, and I can't forget how much he loved doing it. I never believed it was just a hobby.
"I'm gonna drink water, be right back."
I watched Peter leave, and walked towards James.
"Your songs are really good."
"Thanks."
"I can see you being more famous than me."
He let out an awkward smile. Things between me and James have been weird since I realized I liked Remus. I felt so bad keeping a huge secret like that from someone who knew me so well, so I distanced myself from him.
"That won't happen," he said.
"James…" my heart was racing, but I couldn't keep it to myself, "I have to tell you something."
"What?"
"I- I like someone.'
"Oh! Who? Lily?"
"No, no. Definitely not."
"Then who is it?" his face screamed curiosity.
I took a deep breath, closing my eyes "Remus," I burst it out, "I like Remus."
When I opened my eyes, he was staring at me.
"Oh."
I immediately regretted it, but now I couldn't take it back. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
"I- I'm sorry. No, I shouldn't have told you that," I forced a laugh.
"No! Shit. I'm sorry, Sirius. I just… wasn't expecting," he held my shoulders to keep me in place, "It kinda makes sense with how much time you guys spend together."
"You're… fine with it?"
"Yeah! I'm totally okay with you liking Remus," he said with a smile on his face, but I felt like he wanted to say more.
JAMES POTTER: I wanted to tell him I liked boys too.
SIRIUS BLACK: Back then I really thought he would never get it.
"I don't know what I am, you know? I just know I like Remus and that is it."
"You don't need to worry about that now. You have a whole life to realize things about yourself. Do you like Remus? Good for you."
"I don't know if it's that good. He will never like me back."
"You don't know that!"
"He's straight, James," I sighed, "I can't fuck up our friendship by telling him."
James looked in my eyes, he knew I was right.
"You don't know that."
"That it'll fuck our relationship?"
"No. That he's straight."
I rolled my eyes, walking away, "I just know he is."
I didn’t want to look at James right now. Even though he seemed totally okay with the situation, I couldn’t help but feel ashamed. I didn’t plan any of this! I did not want to be gay, or bi, or whatever I am. I wasn’t expecting to like Remus romantically — and sometimes I wish that didn’t happen.
“If someone said you were totally straight, wouldn’t you tell them that it isn't cool to assume people’s sexuality?”
I looked over my shoulder. James was leaning against the table behind them, his hands holding the weight of his torso, and his head resting to the left.
“I mean— yes, but have you looked at Remus?”
“Yes.”
“Are you gonna say that’s a gay man?”
“We don’t know.”
“He dated women!”
“He could be bisexual.”
“Whatever. This doesn’t matter. These feelings, this whole situation. It’s a whole damn mess.”
“Look, I know that our friendship is a bit… different, but I still consider you one of my best friends, and I hope you know I am glad you felt free to tell me this, and that I’m here no matter what happens.”
I smiled, turning around, “You’re my best friend too.”
James smiled at me, but before he could say anything, Peter walked into the room, not even understanding the vibe of the conversation.
“Had to go to the bathroom—”
I cleaned my throat, looking around, “I think I’m gonna go.”
“Why?”
“Gotta do some stuff,” I said, grabbing my jacket, “Good luck on the day, guys.”
“See you later,” James said with a soft smile on his face, while Peter just waved at me.
JAMES POTTER: I was shocked that Sirius liked men, of course I was. But I was mainly happy to have someone who would get me.
SIRIUS BLACK: Coming out to people is never easy, even if they are your best friend.
REMUS LUPIN: I was trying to get the courage to speak to Sirius. I didn’t want to fuck up our friendship, but I really wanted honesty in our relationship, no matter if platonically or not.
INTERVIEWER (1): Did you?
REMUS LUPIN: Talk to Sirius? [laugh] nah, it took me a while, to be honest. We were spending a lot of time together, so I was trying to get any hints of… anything.
“If you were gay,” I said, and he looked at me automatically, “Who would you kiss?”
“Uh— I’m sorry, what?”
“C’mon, who would you kiss?”
“I don’t know…” he closed his notebook to pay attention to me.
“Say anyone.”
“Freddie Mercury…?”
I rolled my eyes, “I mean like people we know. I would kiss James.”
“James?! Oh, wow. Alright, I would kiss Frank.”
“What the fuck?! You wouldn’t kiss me?”
“You didn’t kiss me!” he exclamed.
I blinked once, and twice. I couldn’t think of an answer, so I decided to go with the boldest one.
“Would you want me to kiss you?”
He stopped talking, probably confused. I regret it the moment the words escaped my mouth, but I could always play it as a joke like I didn’t want to hear an honest yes.
“Maybe,” he shrugged, looking back at his notebook.
“You want everyone to kiss you.”
“I am not an whore.”
“You have the spirit of one. That isn’t bad, though. Girls love a fuck boy.”
“I am not a fuck boy. I am a family man.”
“Sure you are,” I giggled, laying down on his bed, “This bed is nice.”
“I know, right?! Sleeping here is like heaven.”
“Could sleep here everyday.”
“Don’t steal my bed,” he punched my leg.
“I am not going to steal anything, but I might come over more times just to enjoy this softness.”
“Not my fault your bed is as hard as a rock.”
“Blame my father, not me,” I muttered.
“Never gonna blame Lyall, he’s an angel.”
“When he wants to! But, yes, my father is an amazing man.”
“Jealous.”
I didn’t know if I should laugh or not, so I just gave him a soft smile.
“He’s your dad too,” I said.
“I see him like one.”
“You also see James’ dad as your dad.”
“Well, I will see every older man who treats me well like a father. Blame Orion for that.”
I shrugged, “Fair.”
We spent the rest of our hours watching TV, and sometimes, Sirius would write something in his notebook. I was dying inside to know what was written there, but I don’t think I will ever know.
SIRIUS BLACK: Now that James knew, my internal conflict was getting a little bit better because at least I had someone to share my bad thoughts with.
My head was resting on James’ lap, and he was touching my hair carefully.
“God, why is it so hard?”
“Dreams are just dreams, Sirius.”
I looked up. No, dreams weren’t just dreams. I dreamed about Remus rejecting me and kissing an unknown girl in front of me, that had to mean something. It had to mean I should keep myself quiet and move on.
“You’re just insecure!”
“Fuck no. It was a sign.”
“Do you want me to help you?”
I blinked,”What do you mean?”
“Try to get anything from Remus.”
“No. He will know it’s because of me!”
He rolled his eyes, and I just felt more nervous.
“It’s okay, Sirius. He won’t know it’s because of you.”
“What if he really is straight?”
James shrugged, “Then I’ll help you move on.”
My heart sank, and I looked the other way.
What if Remus doesn’t like me? I’ve always thought about the possibility but I never wondered how I would handle things if it was really just me pining over a straight guy.
JAMES POTTER: I did, in fact, talk to Remus.
REMUS LUPIN: He caught me totally by surprise.
I was in my house, James asked if he could come over, and I obviously said yes. I was taking the juice bottles off the fridge, when he leaned over the counter.
“Have you ever questioned your sexuality?”
I froze for a couple seconds. I was thinking if I ever did something that was too obvious, or if he knew that I liked Sirius.
“Uh– why the question?”
“Just curious.
“I mean–”
“I have.”
I looked up, “Really?”
“Yeah,” he smiled and grabbed the glass once I finished filling it with the orange juice.
“Why?”
“Men can be hot, don’t you think?”
I forced myself not to say yes immediately.
“I guess.”
“You’re so defensive right now. It’s okay to question yourself.”
“I know! I just… wasn’t expecting that question. But yes, I have questioned my sexuality, but… I’m straight.”
James stared at my eyes, and then sighed, “Me too,” he muttered.
REMUS LUPIN: I wouldn’t tell James. Not because I didn’t trust him, but I just wasn’t ready to say it to anyone but Marlene and her friends.
JAMES POTTER: I really believed Remus, and that made me heartbroken for Sirius.
MARLENE MCKINNON: Gia started hanging out with us much more than before: She was slowly getting less shy, and I was really happy for that.
SIRIUS BLACK: I really liked Gia.
“Hey, Sirius,” she approached me.
We were having a picnic, and I got up to go answer a call, as soon as I finished, she was there.
“Hey!”
“I wanted to buy Marls a present, but I’m really insecure about it.”
“Well, I’m sure she’ll like anything you give her.”
“Do you think?”
“Of course! But if you want tips maybe ask Remus, I’m not that close with her,” I advised.
She was gripping her fingers, moving her body to one side to another. I smiled softly to pass confidence to her, and she smiled back.
“Look, all I can give you is store advise. Next to my house, like two streets if you turn right and left, you’ll see a jewlery store right in front of that one café.”
“Ok. Ok, I think I know which one you’re talking. You think I should buy her jewelry?”
“I am not a Marlene expert, but I’ve seen her wear of jewelry. Still, ask Remus.”
She sighed in a smile, “Alright. Thank you, Sirius!”
“You’re welcome, Gia.”
MARLENE MCKINNON: Gia really gave me jewelry. She gave me a lot of rings and a heart shaped necklace. I still have it.
Her hands were in my eyes, and I was holding her wrists with a smile in my face.
“Alright, was it it?”
“Don’t look!” she asked, and took her hands away. I heard a sack noise, and that peaked my curiosity.
“Ok… look!”
I opened my eyes, excited, and I saw a lot of jewelry. I looked at her, and the jewelry. I leaned over the bed to pick them up.
“It’s beautiful,” I said.
“Did you? Really?”
“Obviously,” I rolled my eyes and pulled her close, feeling her soft lips against mine.
She smiled against me, and I gave her a lot of pecks, kissing her nose next, “What did I do to deserve you?” I asked with our foreheads touching.
“I wish you knew how much I feel about you,” she said.
I kissed her again. The ‘I love you’ stuck in my throat. I wanted to say it, I wanted her to know how big my feelings were, but for some reason, I couldn’t say it. Not for insecurity, it just felt like I needed to use that word on the right time — but that time never came.
That night, we tangled our bodies on the sheets, and messy kisses mixed with our sweat dripping on our foreheads. I embraced her body while she kissed my neck, and I kissed her like the world was about to end.
“You’re the woman of my dreams,” she whispered on my ear, while touching my naked leg.
“You’re my dream,” I answered, and looked at her.
Her black hair falling on her face without any makeup, her naked shoulders begging me to kiss them and her mouth screaming to me to make use of it. She was beautiful, so, so beautiful.
“Te amo,” she said.
Gia was from Cuba, and sometimes she would whisper some things in Spanish to me, but I really didn’t understand not even a single word of it, and that sentence wasn’t different.
“I agree with what you said, even though I have no idea,” I giggled, and she just smiled softly.
“One day you will,” she said before laying her head on my chest.
There I felt safe and in peace, like I’ve never felt before.