for they existed
When he was spit out in the main sitting room of Potter manor, he was met with no one. The house was completely and utterly silent, the drapes were pulled shut on the setting sun, and the air hung still and stagnant- the only movement he could see were dust motes that flittered aimlessly in whatever streaks of sunlight that had managed to reach the inside of the dim home.
He had been worried about coming here on a whim, that he may be intruding in the middle of something but now he was instead worried that everyone had just left instead.
He ventured deeper, never having seen this house before but he was immediately struck by its beauty. The cherry wood of the floors, the intricate tapestries and paintings that breathed air and colour into every room he walked through, and the furniture that looked soft and lived in. Every bit of the home was inviting and lush and breathtaking and Regulus wanted to spend the day looking through each and every room but his only priority, well two priorities, were likely upstairs locked away in their rooms.
He had originally thought he was only coming for James but truthfully, he wanted to see Sirius as well because loathe as he was to admit it, he missed him. Their relationship was still odd and Regulus didn’t know what exactly Sirius knew when it came to him but he wanted to see him, talk to him, comfort him like he had many times before in their youth.
He was sure he had missed the staircase a bit ago, too preoccupied with marvelling at the home and he tried to retrace his steps back to where he started but he soon realised that he was completely lost when he ended up walking through an archway and into a hall of various types of art that he certainly had not seen on the way in.
The walls were fully bedecked in paintings that seemed to date back centuries ago, the paint peeling and style ancient. Most of them were inanimate and he walked past them, studying their outdated dress and style and reading the plaques of men and women unknown to him. They were broken apart by small pedestals that held marble busts and statues of men with roman noses and others who he couldn’t tell the gender of with crowns upon their head or jewels strung through their ears.
He walked past a south-asian style jewellery set displayed next to a gleaming sword and when he pricked the end of it, he realised it was sharper than he anticipated so he quickly sucked the blood on his finger, cringed, and moved on.
He stopped at a portrait of a young woman or rather, she was some sort of water nymph if the scales along her skin and webbed fingers were any indication. She had bright blond, near white, pin-straight hair that flowed down to her knees. She wore a robe of netting and was settled by a river bend, her feet just barely grazing the surface of the water. Her head was resting on her bent knees and her face was set as she stared off at something he couldn’t quite see.
He frightened when the woman turned and looked at him in the frame. He hadn’t even realised this portrait was animated- she sat so still it was as though she were simply painted on the canvas instead of being enchanted.
Her eyes were glacier blue, so piercing he felt as though he couldn’t look away but the woman angled her head, left to right, and brought her hand up, palm out, as if to show him something. He mirrored her movement and she seemed pleased as a small smile curled up on her blue lips.
She held up the number three and gestured to the right.
“Is that where Ja-” he asked and she nodded, quickly turning back away and she froze again, or perhaps she was just still and pensive once more. Whatever it was, he let her be and escaped.
__________
He knocked once and when he received no reply, he just slowly pushed the door open and the room was so dark, he could barely make out anything beyond the vague shapes of things. The room was completely silent and he started to doubt whether James was here at all until he heard his light breaths, the inhale, exhale of his breathing that Regulus knew all too well.
He slowly padded into the room on light feet and when he got close enough to James, he saw that a sliver of evening light had filtered through a gap in the drapes, slashing across his face from brow to jaw like a scar.
He was sleeping but he seemed pained as his brow was furrowed and his cheeks were still splotchy and wet, like he had only just fallen asleep after tiring himself out from crying. He was curled around something and when Regulus lowered his wandlight to it, he saw that it was one of his jumpers James had stolen one night many months ago. He had always wondered why James took it considering they weren’t at all the same size but he never asked for it in fear of James turning the question back on him and making him return all of his stuff that Regulus had begun hoarding.
His heart squeezed and even though he had seen James just a few days prior on the train, he hadn’t seen him like this in a long time.
James was always at his best- always smiling and cheerful and radiating happiness like the damn sun. It was his instinct for him to help others, even if it meant sacrificing himself, and others flocked to him like moths to a flame. But when the sun is eclipsed or the flame is put out, there is no heat, no warmth, no life. The world stops and waits, only able to go again when the darkness retreats and the heat returns.
Now James just looked like a black hole.
His lips were set in a permanent frown and his errant hair had fallen over his face, sticking to his forehead, and Regulus couldn’t resist the urge to touch him any longer and he brushed it back, letting the lock of russet hair slip between his index and middle finger.
He stirred slightly but instead of waking, he frowned deeper, and suddenly, he began crying.
Regulus froze, not knowing what he had done or what to do now, but James’ hands gripped his jumper tighter and he curled in on himself more as tears slipped down his cheeks and in a rush, Regulus circled the bed, tore off his cloak and shoes, and jumped in the bed.
Encircling James in his arms, he gently turned him so that they were facing each other and began rubbing at his cheeks, “James, wake up love. You’re okay, it’s just a bad dream,” he whispered, trying to wake him up as gently as possible.
His eyes cracked open then and there was a silent still moment, like James couldn’t believe his eyes, like maybe Regulus was just an apparition, but he just continued gently touching him, kneading soothing circles across his neck, “You’re okay,” he murmured.
“Reg?” he hoarsed out.
“It’s me,” he said reassuringly and he was going to continue but he was cut off by James instantly attacking him, wrapping his arms around him and squeezing and suddenly the silent tears he had let out just moments prior paled in comparison to the full-body sobbing in his arms he was doing now.
He knew the sounds he was making now would never leave his mind for how guttural and painful they were. He hated seeing James in pain but he had never seen him like this and he wanted to die just hearing it, but he needed to be the strong one now.
He moved up so that his back was against the headboard and he pulled James up so that his head rested on his chest and Regulus continued his light and reassuring touches.
“My dad-, oh gods Reg, I don’t even know- I can’t-,” he continued to cry.
“I know love, I know,” he replied as he stared out at some distant point on the wall across from him. He pulled the duvet over both of them and held James close till his sobs subsided and his breaths evened out.“What are you doing here?” he finally asked.
“McGonagall granted me leave for the weekend, I wanted to be here for you but if you’d like me to go I can-” he tried, offering him an out just in case he wanted the privacy but his grip on him only tightened as he shook his head,
“Please don’t go.”
“You once told me you’d stay by my side for as long as you’ll have me, you’ve seen me at my lowest and took me back at a time when I sure as hell didn’t deserve it. I love you James, I’m not going anywhere for a good long time,” he murmured truthfully.
James stared wide-eyed at him as he spoke and when more tears brimmed at his eyes, he thought he had done something wrong, had spoken too much or said something he shouldn’t have but when he tried to take back what he said, James just leaned up and kissed him deeply, “I love you Reg. So much.”
They settled into silence, not quite contented, but peaceful, arms and legs tangled around each other, even as the sun completely set now and the spare light from the corridor was the only sort of light available though it barely even counted as a source.
“The house has never been so quiet before,” he whispered finally. “Mum…well she won’t leave her room and I try to be there for her y’know? I try to swallow up my grief for a few minutes at a time to go to her but she says she’s fine and shuts the door again. I don’t know how to help her when I can’t even help myself. God, I just feel like a terrible-.”
“Don’t you dare finish that sentence James,” he hushed him, refusing to allow him to be even the slightest bit self-deprecating right now.
“But I have to be strong for her and she-.”
“You don’t have to be anything right now. You’re allowed to grieve,” he reminded him fiercely. Then, to try and help his helplessness, “Go take a shower, change your clothes, clean yourself up, and we’ll find something to eat okay?”
James tried to refuse then to add a bit of humour, he added, “Your scruff is going to give me a rash.”
His lip turned up at the corner and it was the most he could ask for right now before James untangled himself from him and went to the bathroom, “You’ll be here when I get out?”
“Of course,” he smiled.
__________
He stepped out of James’ room and went to the room directly across it, already knowing it would be Sirius’- it didn’t take a genius to figure out where he’d pick a room.
“I don’t want anything, go away,” undeniably Sirius’ voice called out though it sounded muffled.
He didn’t say anything, just walked in and while he left the door to the room open, it was pitch black,
“Leave me alone,” he shouted and out of nowhere, Regulus was knocked over by the force of…a pillow?
“Ow, what the fuck Sirius,” he complained, mostly because when he was attacked, he jerked and his knee hit some table or something aggressively.
“Reg?” his voice was incredulous and shocked now and Regulus was growing tired of it,
“Lumos,” he sighed.
Sirius looked like a wraith as he sat up from the bed. He was shrouded in darkness despite the strength of the light- his hair fell in long dark curls around a face that was hollow and gaunt. His eyes were rounded with dark circles and his lips were chapped as though he hadn’t even seen water in days. He couldn’t get a good look at the rest of his body but from what he could see, his clothes were rumpled and dirty from days of rotting in the bed before him.
He glanced around and saw his room was fashioned much like the rest of the house- warm and sturdy with large wood pieces decked around the room but the room was undeniably Sirius’ through the posters on the walls and the various gadgets and nonsense he had thrown all over the shelves.
Sirius blinked owlishly at him like he couldn’t believe whether or not he could believe his eyes so Regulus trudged onward,
“McGonagall let me leave school for a couple of days and…I wanted to come see you and James,” he sighed, sitting on the very edge of the bed.
Looking at Sirius made him feel inexplicably sad. This was all the worst parts of him, the man that existed under the facade of happiness.
Sirius could be happy and cheerful and all the lovely things James was but he carried this part of him always, this sort of darkness that lingered under the surface. He held the shadows that James didn’t and now, he had no reason to hide it,
“Who were you meant to be yelling at?” he finally asked.
“Mippy,” his brother whispered. He didn’t realise they had an elf.
“Listen I-.”
And in clear Potter fashion, he tackled him though he didn’t sob or cry like James did, he just sounded awed as he spoke into his neck, “I never thought- gods,” he heaved, “I never thought I’d see the day you would be here in the Potter's home.”
“I told you I just need some time,” he whispered, hugging him back. The move was still a bit foreign to him, his face digging into Sirius’ shoulder and Sirius’ long arms hanging awkwardly off his frame but the fact that they were doing it was enough.
He pulled back but kept his hands on his arms, “Did you see James?”
He nodded, “I sent him off to get washed up and I’m ready to do the same to you.”
He frowned though, “I don’t want-.”
“You have to.”
“Regulus, I feel like if anything I need to pack my shit and go,” he said honestly, dropping his head in his hands.
“What are you even talking about?” He felt like he was ready to lose his mind.
“I just mean that I feel like I shouldn’t even be here anymore. Monty took me in but I couldn’t even be there for him when he- I should’ve known and then after- I mean I didn’t even know him as long as James or Effie but I can’t even help them because I feel like I’m drowning but it doesn’t make sense that I should-.”
“Sirius I’m going to say something and it’s going to sound mean but I need you to listen okay?”
He nodded earnestly.
“This whole self-sacrificing really is not a good look on you so I think you should suck it up and get on with it.”
“The fuck?” Sirius leaned back affronted as he scrubbed his face, then he frowned, “Why would you say that, dick.”
“Where are you planning to do then? Pack a little satchel and gather your posters and cards and live a life on the streets? Right outside Grimmauld maybe? This house is as much your home as anyone else’s, they adopted you for god's sake. I know you called him ‘dad’ as well and I know he loved you like he did James so just cut it out. How do you think he’d feel if he heard you say this? That it was all just a lie and you thought he didn’t truly care about you?”
Sirius softened then, his eyes going round and shoulders dropping and Regulus went back to trying to be reassuring, “I know you might not feel like you belong right now but I can honestly tell you, this is the home that was meant for you, not Grimmauld- that was just some sort of cosmic test and you passed.” He put his hand on Sirius’ knee, “This is the life you were meant for.”
“It could’ve been the life we were meant for,” Sirius said out loud, his tone prodding.
“No, I don’t think so,” he retorted quietly.
He ordered Sirius to get up and clean up once more before leaving his room.
__________
He scurried downstairs to try to get something done before the both of them came down.
It was a bit presumptuous of him to go down into the kitchen himself, he knew, but it didn’t feel right to sit idle nor did it feel good to introduce himself to Effie yet nor did it feel good to order their elf around to get them food.
He felt the need to do something- his friends always helped him when he felt low whether it was grabbing him an extra snack during mealtimes or just sharing their notes with him in a class he missed, they always helped in ways he could appreciate. He didn’t like feeling helpless or like a burden but they were skilled in the art of offering a silent helping hand.
While he might be able to do the same, he knew James and Sirius weren’t that type of people and if anything, they might try to decline any offer of help at all as they were so used to giving and not receiving.
So, Regulus decided the best course of action was to silently help then shove it in their faces as quickly as possible.
Once he finally located the pantry, he stepped inside and stared at everything in front of him, wondering what he could come up with.
He was, historically, a horrendous chef though not necessarily through any fault of his own- he had just never had to cook anything thanks to Kreacher so he’d never really developed the necessary skills for it. He’d only ever cooked sparingly while he was younger with his cousins or with Barty and Evan over breaks when they’d see each other which wasn’t often either.
However, he did have a brain, and he was determined to use it.
Grabbing a box of pasta, some vegetables, and seasonings, he set to work. He used to hide out in the Kitchens and watch Kreacher cook a lot when he was younger so he drew on those dusty memories to help him. He opened various cabinets and found some pots, pans, and a cutting board and set them all out in front of him.
He began carefully slicing tomatoes on the counter while water started boiling in the pot behind him.
When James finally came upon him, he dazedly asked, “What are you doing?”
His hair was still wet and he looked miles better than he did before. He looked more alert and refreshed and the shadow that lingered along his jaw was gone. He wore a comfortable looking set and Regulus breezily answered, “Cooking.”
“Have you ever cooked before?” he asked, coming up behind him and resting his hands on his hips.
“Well- no but I am now,” he stuck his jaw out, starting to dice the onions.
“I can help-,” James started.
“You can either sit there and look pretty,” he pointed at the bar stools by the counter, “Or find something to fill your time till it’s done,” he said, not allowing any room for argument.
James picked the first option though not before touching and poking at everything on the counter and Regulus turned to dump all the tomatoes in a sizzling pan behind him, slowly stirring the tomatoes with the garlic and herbs he had already added.
He got started on the next ingredient and tears began streaming at his eyes and with the onions in one hand and the knife in the other, he hastily wiped his eyes with his sleeve.
James was about to say something when,
“What’s going on?” Sirius asked as he slowly entered, eyeing the two of them in a risque position. He realised he was standing, knife upraised, crying, looking at James who was looking guiltily back up at him. A glance down showed he was snacking on carrots that were also meant to go in the sauce.
“Oh- just, you sit too,” he said, flustered, as the water started boiling over the pot and he quickly spun to lower the flame under it before adding salt and pouring the noodles in.
As Regulus eyed the pair, it seemed as though they hadn’t seen much of each other either as they looked solemnly at each other, seeing their pain mirrored in each other so strongly that it seemed to weigh them both down.
They seemed to have come to a mutual unspoken agreement when Sirius put a hand on James’ shoulder and he put his hand atop his, “Have you seen mum today?” James finally asked.
Sirius shook his head, “I saw her this morning eating breakfast but by the time I came back with mine, she had already gone.”
“Let me go try and bring her down, yeah?” James asked though he was already standing up to go.
He remained quiet as he continued working and offered James a smile as he stepped out, trying to swallow his own fears about how that might go.
“So tell me again how you managed to convince Minnie and mum to let you come here?” Sirius inquired, silver eyes gaining a bit of their natural spark back.
__________
He knocked on his mum’s door, once, twice, and listened to the resounding echo that bounced off the walls and high ceilings.
She didn’t answer but when he tried the door, it easily gave way and he slowly opened it, peering around it as he did.
She wasn’t in the room and James felt unease wash over him as he saw small pieces of his dad around the room- his jacket slung over a chair, his mug sat half-empty on his bedside table, his shoes by the door. He avoided looking at anything for too long and he wondered if his mum had left everything there on purpose- not wanting to remove the last pieces he had touched and placed, no matter how haphazardly.
He turned and went into the small sitting space and saw, through the window, that she was sitting out on the balcony, curled up in a chair that faced out toward the back of the house and he walked out, joining her and sighing as the night chilled air rushed over him.
It was still relatively warm but there was a nice breeze that ruffled his hair and he felt suddenly nervous, “Mum?”
She turned just barely over her shoulder and he could see the moon reflected in her eyes, “James,” she breathed, her voice barely above a whisper. He could see she was wearing one of his dad’s jumpers and she looked infinitely smaller as she curled her legs up and rested her head on her knees.
He followed her gaze and was met with nothing but darkness. The manor was on a large sect of isolated land and during the day, it was beautiful- green grass that went on for miles above rolling hills before giving way to small paths that he had created over time or the small river bend that flowed between the trees by the property line. There was a pool and a garden and a sort-of maze, it was once just a maze until James got lost in it when he was younger and his parents proceeded to create small emergency exits all around it, and while there were small lights sectioning off those areas, none of the rest of it was visible now.
“I wanted to ask if you wanted to come down and have dinner with us?” he asked, staring at her profile. She had yet to look directly at him and it unnerved him, while he wanted to get closer to her, she seemed to not want to have anything to do with him.
She nodded distantly, “Okay.”
He placed a hand on her crooked elbow, the material worn and thin under his hand, and at this she turned to him, her neck bent as she stared sideways at him, “Hi,” she said.
He deflated a bit, “Hi mum.”
“I’m sorry I’m a bit,” she shut her eyes and took a deep breath and it hitched, catching tightly in her throat, “Out of sorts. It’s just-,” her eyes instantly began welling up again, “You look so much like him…when he was younger I mean. I suppose I always saw him that way… you just don’t realise how much time had passed and it’s hard to…reconcile it all.” she reached out and ran a finger along his cheek, “You’re all the best parts of him.”
His throat closed up and he tried to swallow around the mass lodged within and couldn’t, “I really miss him mum.”
She nodded, her lips thinning in a rueful smile. She didn’t say anything about that and wiped her tears just as quickly as they fell.
After a bit of silence where neither of them moved, she loosed a deep breath, “So are you going to tell me why Regulus Black is in our kitchen right now?”
“I-What?” he started a bit, almost forgetting everything that was going on downstairs as he had fell into a sort of trance up here, “How did you know?”
“Mippy almost had a conniption when she saw him come through the floo, came to me and said she’d call the Aurors over immediately. I told her that wouldn’t be necessary,” she smiled.
He ran a hand over his face as he worked through his options, “Well, I didn’t know he was coming if I’m honest, he just sort of surprised me, woke me up from my nap and everything.”
“And is there a specific reason why he’d be doing that?”
He remembered the way he casually omitted who he was talking to when his mum entered his room at the start of summer and how hurt Regulus had been by his avoidance of the topic, despite how he’d never admit it. He felt uneasy for days after, guilty and wrong, from hiding Regulus from his parents, the two most important people in his lives and he knew it was wrong for him to be able to be authentic with everyone except them.
It was a slap in the face when he realised he’ll never be able to have this conversation with his dad, to know that he had passed without ever knowing James had fallen in love.
“Mum,” he hated how small his voice sounded, “I think- no, no I know- I’m bisexual.”
He was too scared to look at her and instead stared out into the distance as he chewed on his lip and he cringed as he waited for her reply but he heard some shuffling and his mum had finally unfolded herself from her chair as she turned and leaned towards him. Her hand landed on top of his and squeezed, a steady grounding force,
“Oh my sweet boy,” she whispered.
He, because that’s all he could seem to do these days, began crying.
“No, please don’t be upset,” she urged, wrapping her other arm around his neck and pulling him into her, “Thank you for telling me but don’t cry please, or else you know I will too,” she tried laughing but by the sound of it, she had already started crying,
He shook his head in the crook of her neck, “No I’m sorry I just- I wish I had told you two sooner.”
“I hope you know you didn’t ever have to be scared to tell us, your father and I- we will always love-” she stilted, then, “He always loved you, nothing would’ve changed that.” James figured he’d have to get used to using the past form of words when speaking of his dad, he ‘loved’ something or ‘used to’ do something- no future to be spoken of anymore.
“But how do I know for sure? I always thought I’d get to tell him about that or that I-,” this was finally the moment he’d get to tell his mom and with tears still dripping down his cheeks, “That I fell in love…that he’d meet the person I can see myself living the rest of my life with.”
He knew his cheeks burned and was grateful for the darkness to help cover it up.
“And that person is Regulus?” she asked, her tone curious and imploring but not negative and it helped bolster him through it,
“I know what you think, that Regulus is- well you know how Sirius would talk about him or how his parents are but he’s not like that-” the words rushed out of him before he could even stop to think, the urge to protect and defend Regulus was instinctual at this point.
“Hey,” she cooed, “I would never think about him that way. If he makes you happy and treats you well then I’m happy. And we know more than anyone that where one comes from doesn’t define who you are.”
“He makes me so happy mum, I know we’re young but I’ve never felt this way about anyone before,” he smiled then for what felt like the first time in days.
His mum leaned forward and hugged him and he felt the weight of the world lifted off his chest. He still had regrets, still wished his dad got to meet Reg, but he was being honest now and would be remiss to not appreciate the chance he was now given with his mum.
“Another similarity between you two- you both love fiercely,” she breathed.
A pop sounded then- “Mistress! Master Sirius is burning the house down! Mippy will call the brigade, she will-”
“Mippy,” his mum said very calmly like she was speaking to a child, “You don’t need to call anybody, but let’s go check on them okay?” The house was in fact not burnt down so they didn’t really have any reason to panic.
When they arrived, Regulus and Sirius were shouting at each other and while James couldn’t catch what they were saying, he saw smoke fuming out of the oven, a burnt tray of…something on the counter, and both of them red in the face.
“If you just paid attention-” Regulus shouted.
“It wasn’t my job to,” Sirius retorted.
“You offered to help, but of course it’s my fault that I-,” Regulus started, hands up and splayed wide,
“Guys?” He asked, butting in and trying to stop whatever it is that was going on.
Regulus froze and slowly turned around and when he saw that he was joined with his mum, his face turned a lovely shade of tomato as he quickly dropped his hands, “I- er- James! We were just-.”
Sirius circled around him, “Regulus was just being an idiot.”
James watched Reg suppress the urge to turn around and hex him, instead his left eye twitched and he refocused on his mum behind him and folding his hands behind his back, he spoke, “Mrs. Potter, I apologise for entering your home unannounced. Professor McGonagall allowed me some time off but if you would like privacy during this time of great sadness, I am more than willing to return to school.”
“Why do you make it sound like you’re talking to the bloody queen of England or something,” Sirius muttered, vanishing the smoking contents of the oven.
His mum tutted from behind him, “It’s no problem at Regulus, you’re free to stay as long as you like, and please call me Effie. I've been wanting to meet you for quite some time but had never had the chance,” she smiled wanly.
Regulus stuck a hand out but his mum bypassed it and went straight for a hug and James gave him a quick thumbs up from behind his mum’s back.
“And I was told that the two of you,” her eyes darting, “are a certain something?”
“Oh my gods mum,” Sirius complained, walking over and putting a hand on her shoulder, “You have no idea what it’s been like with the two of them at school. I mean saying they’re dating is one thing but seeing it? It was like a never ending cycle of hell.”
She laughed then and the sound was like music to his ears.
“You’re surprisingly okay with this, I imagine you would’ve been-.”
“Oh trust me, when I found out last year, I almost-.”
“Last year?” his mum whirled around on them with an eyebrow raised, “How long has this been going on for?”
Regulus stayed tight-lipped while his ears burned red and he busied himself with mixing the pasta that he had missed simmering on the stove and Sirius just grimaced at his slip.
“Maybesincefifthyear,” James mumbled, scratching the back of his neck.
“What was that?” she asked, leaning in closer.
“Maybe since fifth year…”
Her eyes widened and they all stood in stunned silence,
“Dinner’s ready,” Regulus muttered awkwardly.
__________
The funeral was the following day, bright and early at eleven in the morning though Regulus had been up since five wiping a damp washcloth across James’ forehead and rubbing soothing circles into his back as he hunched over the toilet and emptied the contents of his stomach multiple times over.
He gave him some time to himself to get ready and went to Sirius next who he found still in bed, staring up at the ceiling. He got up on the bed, laid next to him, and stared up too to see if he found anything interesting. He wanted to wait for Sirius to say something first,
“Reg?” he whispered.
“Yes?”
“Do you…” he started but he never finished and the words hung in the stagnant air between them.
“Do I what?” he tried, guiding him to the end of his sentence.
“How’s Cissy?” he instead asked.
“That’s not what you were going to say,” he said outwardly, trying to coerce him into speaking his mind but he failed as Sirius replied,
“No but I still want to know.”
Well, at least he was honest.
“Last I saw, she was trying to get pregnant, Lucius’ been pressuring her, as per usual but she’s okay. She says her garden’s doing well,” he shrugged.
Sirius sighed deeply, “So that’s life then? Gardening and breeding?”
Regulus just thinned his lips as he thought about the harsh reality of the fate of a pureblood woman. Narcissa was the epitome of a perfect wife, daughter-in-law, and future mother, but her true dreams- healing, wand-making, and art- were pushed aside. He remembered how talented and passionate she was in those subjects when she was younger but they had all drifted away in favour of her current path. Not that it wasn’t fulfilling or something she didn’t wanted to do but, it was a shame that she couldn’t have found space in her life for both.
“It’s the life Druella had planned for her and the one she accepted,” he replied neutrally. At least she was lucky enough to have married a man she was actually interested in, while most marry out of political or financial reasons, Narcissa had taken a liking to Lucius since her third year at Hogwarts.
“And Bella?”
“She’s doing about as good as you can imagine,” he evasively answered.
It was weird because for all his time he spent with her, getting equally beaten and aided by her, he didn’t know much about her and still wondered if there even was anything to know. He knew who she was as a death eater and follower of Voldemort and he remembered the girl she used to be but did she even still exist somewhere between those two? Was the girl who begged for toasties every day and used to pour over Astronomy books like her life depended on it still exist? Or was she thoroughly wiped away?
She had gotten married to the Lestrange as well but that was about as cold as they come. He assumed Rodolphus married her for her status as a Black and she married him because he was the easiest option. She didn’t have kids, thank Merlin for that, and she’d probably never have any. She didn’t really have friends or any other close relations so…where and who did that leave her?
“And mum?”
“Sirius…”
“I want to know,” he beseeched and when Regulus turned, he saw Sirius’ jaw was set.
“Well she was in France for the majority of the summer so I actually didn’t get to see much of her. Even when she’s here, she just sits and drinks and yells at the elves all day.”
He made an odd laughing noise and shook his head. Regulus sat up then, leaning back on his hands and looking down on him, “What?”
“You know, I don’t think we give her enough credit.”
“And how’s that?”
Sirius lazily blinked at him before hauling himself up as well. His shirt was torn and he didn’t know whether it was intentional or accidental but it still hung off his shoulder revealing a litter of new tattoos. He had piercings climbing up his ear as well and Regulus was betting this had to be an addiction by now.
“You know after Orion died, I tried to break you out,” he spoke, voice low as he pulled a long maroon thread from his sheets.
“What?” his voice was high and choked now as nausea swept him up.
He nodded tightly, “I apparated all the way to Grimmauld and made to walk up the street. I had a plan on how I’d get you out and everything, it was spectacular really, but the moment I touched Grimmauld street, my feet stuck to the floor,” he said in mock surprise as though he were reading a children’s story but instead of feeling interest, Regulus just felt sick, “I looked up and dear old mummy was there.”
“She and I had a little chat and came to an agreement- I leave, you live and what kind of brother would I be if I took you and she proceeded to kill one or both of us? Atleast this way, I left with a win.”
His voice wasn’t mean or hateful, just rueful and a bit nostalgic, as though he were recounting an odd or unpleasant memory, not a traumatic one like this one seemed to be.
He didn’t know why Sirius was telling him or what he was to say- he didn’t know Sirius had come for him, or attempted to, but what was he supposed to do with the knowledge that only served to reinforce how horrible his mother was? He knew Sirius was a good brother, or at least as good as one as he can be most times, and they had put a lot of their issues to bed but this just made him…upset.
He was in an impossible position and obviously leaving was the right one but still…he wished Sirius would’ve burned down Grimmauld to let him out rather than just leave him safely locked in there.
He settled on, “Thank you.”
“Some days I think I made the wrong decision,” Sirius whispered and then looked pointedly down at his arm.
So there it was then, the final fateful moment that Regulus was waiting for in regards to Sirius and the mark and based on the look on his face, he knew that Sirius knew but he still needed that last bit of confirmation, just to make sure.
It made him ill.
“We leave in thirty minutes Sirius,” he whispered and left, leaving an unsaid answer behind.
__________
“I would like to finish with part a poem-
And when great souls die,
After a period peace blooms,
slowly and always irregularly. Spaces fill
With a kind of soothing electric vibration.
Our senses, restored, never
To be the same, whisper to us.
They existed. They existed.
We can be. Be and be
Better. For they existed.
Fleamont Potter existed and we are all better for it. While we mourn his loss, we must not forget to celebrate the life he lived and the impact he has left on us all.
Let us use the life we have left and live in honour of Mr. Potter and live a life worthy to speak of.”
Tears filled the eyes of everyone in the audience as Dumbledore finished and Regulus solemnly joined everyone else as they all raised their wands in the air and sent a shock of burning white light up into the sky, custom when one passed.
At the very end of the ceremony, James and Sirius stood at the front as joint sons and brothers, and placed Monty’s wand upon the bouquet of white roses on his coffin before it was slowly lowered into the ground.
He was placed in a family plot at the edge of the property where a marble mausoleum stood with generations of Potters put to rest side by side, and Regulus glanced over to all the empty spaces remaining. His gaze flicked to James, to Sirius, and he recoiled at the inevitable fate they would one day meet.
__________
“I wanted to thank you for coming Regulus, I know James and Sirius both needed you here and had we known Minerva would be so kind, we would have asked you to come sooner,” Effie smiled up at him from her bed.
He rubbed a hand against his burning neck, “Please, it was no trouble and again, I apologise for the imposition.”
“Pish posh,” she laughed but the cheery laughter slowly devolved into a fit of thick wet coughs that forced her to double over and he quickly swept over to refill her glass of water. “Sorry,” she waved a hand and her voice was thinner than before.
“Is there anything I can do for you before I go? Perhaps go to the pharmacy and-” he tried but she shook her head harshly,
“I think I just need to rest,” she said weakly and he nodded, making to leave. “But Regulus dear?”
He paused, waiting by the foot of her bed.
“Before you leave, I just wanted you to know how happy I am about you and James…I know how scared he was to tell me but to be honest, I had a feeling something had come up. One night Sirius was teasing him about Lily and he firmly put a stop to it- well, that coupled with the fact that he had brought you up in his letters far more than before…” she smiled warmly, her eyes crinkling, “Call it mother’s intuition but I had a feeling.”
His heart felt like it would burst at what she had let slip about James. Everytime he thought he couldn’t possibly be more enamoured with James, he found a way to prove him wrong.
“Your son…well he changed my life,” he admitted honestly. “Trust me, no one was more against it than I in the beginning but-”
“He was persistent?” she laughed, “His father was the same way,” she shook her head fondly as she turned to look at the picture on her bedside.
Before he could respond though, she continued, “Monty told me about the day he met you at St. Mungo’s, when you were there for your friend and he was there for his colleague. He said you were a lovely boy and that he would have loved to have you over sometime but you know how it is with the boys and everything else,” he knew she meant his parents. “He might not have known about you and James but, he was clearly charmed by you and I think he would have been pleased to know James found someone like you.”
He felt tears well up in his eyes but before they had a chance to spill, she started coughing again. He quickly handed her a cloth and she coughed into it but when she pulled it back, he saw that it was splattered in her blood. She continued coughing thick clots of blood and he felt like all time had slowed down as he refilled her water, patted her firmly on the back, and gave her another clean cloth but it was all for naught as blood began to pour in a thin trickle from her lips.
Then her eyes rolled into the back of her head before shutting and she fell limp against the pillows that were supposed to support her.
Fear turned his blood to ice in his veins as he hesitated for one single weighted moment before he ran- out of her room, down the stairs, and out the back door.
James and Sirius were out for a fly and he could only barely see them as small spots in the distance and he shouted both their names but neither of them could possibly hear him from here.
Digging into his pocket, he grabbed his wand and shot red sparks up into the air with such force he might as well have set off fireworks. He watched as they stopped then turned back to fly to him but didn’t wait as he ran back into Effie’s room.
She was breathing but hardly and he cast a charm that helped contact St. Mungo’s ambulatory services and watched with bated breath as the light on the end of his wand turned from white to blue, indicating that they were on their way.
“Reg?” James shouted from downstairs.
“Up here!” he shouted back as he crouched at her bedside, wiping her damp forehead and trying to control his own breathing before he passed out as well.
James and Sirius ran into the room out of breath but before they even had a chance to speak, the front door banged and Regulus left to open the door, pushing past them and their shocked, confused faces.
At the door, a team of mediwizards and witches were stood and he hastily ushered them in, explaining that one minute they had been talking, and the next she collapsed and with stoic nods of the head, they listened and entered the room.
Having loaded Effie onto a stretcher with dozens of monitoring charms hovering over her and potions being injected in her arm, they turned to him and explained that they’d be at St.Mungo’s where they’ll be able to see her once she’s in stable condition.
They left and the house was thrown into an odd sort of silence, the thick silence that lingered after a storm where the silence almost felt too loud to exist in.
“What happened?” Sirius whispered belatedly despite having heard his explanation to the mediwizards and their own conversations with one another.
Suddenly, James kicked the leg of the chair nearest him and it fell to the ground with a dull thump and Regulus looked at him in shock- at the unshed tears in his eyes, the clench of his jaw, and the red staining his cheeks. James didn’t look back though as he grabbed a glass vase on a nearby table and threw it at the wall with a grunt and it shattered with a resounding screech.
He stormed out of the room and he heard a door slam in his wake.
He and Sirius just stared helplessly at each other before Sirius muttered, “I’m going to go to St. Mungo’s, can you try to-?”
He nodded, “We’ll meet you there.”
Then, with a nod of the head, Sirius left through the floo and Regulus sighed, wondering if he would even be enough to help James right now.