his own mortality
The night rapidly devolved into a haze of drinks, laughs, and shouting- Lots and lots of shouting.
Dorcas was affronted as she looked at Pandora, “How did you know?!”
Evan was stuck in a stupor before shouting out, “The note! In- In your bag, that fell out! Your eyes practically fell out of your head when I grabbed it, oh my gods that was from him wasn’t it?’ He clutched his hair for support as he stared down at the table.
Barty was just beside himself, “James fucking Potter. Of course it’s him! I mean yeah he’s fit but…he’s just so James!” It was as if Barty wanted to find a reason to hate him on the sole principle that he was with Regulus but even he couldn’t come up with anything despite how hard he was clearly trying.
“That’s the point,” Regulus pointed out, voice slurring and head blissfully emptying with each passing second.
With every moment spent with his friends, the ache in his heart lifted ever so slightly. He was by no means perfect and would likely spend the rest of holiday in some kind of daze but for right now, he was okay- more okay than he’d felt in some time.
“Have you even spoken to him since school?” Evan asked finally.
“How would I?” Regulus asked, taking another huge gulp of some fizzy drink Dorcas brought for him.
Pandora gasped, “You should write to him!”
He snorted, “Yeah right, how would I? My mum went mad when I used the owl last time.”
They all thought long and hard, putting each of their single brain cells together until it was like a lightbulb went off above all of them.
“You think the bar has an owl? All magical establishments have them,” Barty finally asked aloud and it seemed like an idea worth trying.
“I mean I guess we could-” Dorcas began but Barty was already up and out of the booth, running to the bar with surprising speed.
He couldn’t believe just how good this was going. He spent countless nights agonising over the idea of his friends even finding out about the lessons that telling them about all the things him and James had done after were incomprehensible.He didn’t think his friends were judgemental per say or would hate him for it, it’s just that the idea of him and James Potter was like putting dirt atop treacle tart- it didn’t sound quite right. His proximity to Sirius was even more off putting considering just how lovely their relationship as siblings was.
They all readily accepted Marlene because it was like she and Dorcas were made for each other.
Sometimes he wondered if he and James ever looked that way, if anyone ever looked at them and thought they fit together like puzzle pieces rather than two mismatched shapes shoved together. He thought he and James worked well together but it was hard to silence the part of his mind that demanded external validation as well.
“You guys are really okay?” he finally asked the table, surprised to have such a tender moment with them all among the crowd of drunk people and blaring music.
“Babe, I suspected you had a thing for him long before this year, I’m just happy it’s finally happened for the both of you,” Dorcas grinned, pulling him in for a nice but very aggressive hug.
Barty came running back with a piece of paper and a pen, “They have an owl! He said we could use it too but we had to buy a bottle of whiskey for it.”
“How much was it?” Evan reared back and asked.
He nervously rubbed his neck as he looked around, “I’m not sure, he said it was ‘500 pounds’ so I just kept giving him galleons till he told me it was enough.”
Evan’s eyes nearly popped out of his head, “500 pounds? Oh my gods Barty that is-.”
“I’m willing to pay any price for love!” he announced before handing Regulus the pen and paper.
He’d never really used a pen before but found it quite clever once Evan explained that all the ink was inside the plastic tube. He also layered some napkins under the paper because the tabletop was rather dirty and he began writing whatever came to mind with his friends all talking around him and the night rolling endlessly ahead of them.
_______
“We could put stink bombs in their dorms?” Sirius suggested as he sat upside down on the sofa, his head hanging down with his hair reaching the floor with how long its grown.
“But that’s so…boring,” James complained, “That’s more of a middle of the year sort of thing.”
Sirius thoughtfully hummed, “I know but it’s just too early to think about it or is it late? What time is it?”
James craned his neck to see, “Quarter past four.”
“Looks like we are going to spend another day sleeping,” Sirius laughed as he righted himself, “Well I’m off then.”
“Alright,” James sighed, still wide awake as he had passed his sleeping window a long time ago, “I’ll be up soon.”
Sirius waved once more before disappearing up the stairs.
He laid back on the sofa once more, pulling his book off the side table and picking up where he left off. Light music still flitted off the wireless in the corner and a warm breeze rustled the curtains through the open window every so often. The candlelight was warm and comforting as he sank deeper into the cushions.
Quiet moments like these were why he loved the summer holidays.
While he thrived when he was surrounded with people and lived for the moments spent with all his friends, he still loved these rare moments where he didn’t have to put on a performance or do anything at all except exist.
The calm was instantly shattered when a large brown owl burst through the open windows, flapping wildly around for a moment before it locked eyes with James and aimed right for him, landing on the sofa right next to him.
“What am I looking at?” James whispered aloud to himself, disoriented from the shock yet intrigued by the random owl and the package it carried.
The owl squawked loudly, sticking its leg out towards James. Its face was stern and James felt like he was looking at McGonagall as he slowly untied it.
Once he had it, the owl narrowed its’ black eyes at him and James instantly summoned the bag of treats, handing him one. This was a rather serious beast and James eyed its sharp beak warily, handing it an extra treat for good measure. Only when the owl was blissfully outside of the house did James loose a breath and pick at the letter attached to the package.
It was a rolled up piece of paper and James slowly unfurled it, feeling the protective magic around it break at his touch. He’d never seen anyone use paper considering parchment was the standard medium and the paper under his fingers felt so light and brittle he imagined it would’ve been ruined en route had there not been magic around it.
The instant his eyes met the black ink at the top, he sat forward, eyes widening, and heart galloping because he’d know those elegant slanting letters anywhere. His eyes jumped down the page and he had to force himself to start at the top and read each and every word purposefully instead of devouring the page like he wanted to.
Jaaaames,
HI!
II missed you so much! I saw you’r letter and I wanted to write one back but i didn’t get a chance tooo obviously. I found an owl, isn’t that amazing, it’s like magic! It literally is magic!
I miss you so much, this summer has been so b boring. I hope you’re having fun, you’re so fun. How are you? How’s your family? How’s that owl of yours?
Can I be honest? I think I miss our swimming lessons a bit. I mean they were horrible but you were there and that is a luxury, I see that now.
I’m sorry I’m not more sober but I was kidnapped! (In a fun way, not a bad way haha)
I hope you miss me too I can’t wait to see you, I hope the feeling is mutual. If not, this never happened.
I have tog o now, Barty is getting sick which is making Pandora sick which is making Dorcas mad. See you soon my love!
P.S. I remember what you said before summer and I’m trying James.
I also hope you remember what you said after.
Yours,
Reggie Black!
James couldn’t contain himself as he jumped out of his seat, standing and walking in circles across the carpet as he read and reread the letter.
The letter was messy with inkblots and other random drops and scribbles across the edges but the words were legible enough.
He felt like this letter was the most uninhibited he’d ever seen Regulus apart from their late nights spent in the Room of Requirement or by the Lake where they freely spoke with one another but he was still sober then.
The fact that Regulus had even managed to get out of the house and was getting incredibly drunk was another thing entirely and he would’ve given his entire Gringotts vault to see that and know the full story behind it but this letter was just a singular confirmation that he was okay.
The words at the end were a bit worrisome but he said he was trying and James couldn’t ask for more of that and the sentence after was incredulous because of course he remembered what he said. He didn’t think he’d ever forgotten a single conversation they had.
And he went and signed it ‘Reggie Black’ like the bloody adorable boy he is.
Once he’d sufficiently memorised the entire letter, he folded it up and pocketed it, moving onto the odd package the owl had brought and he was surprised to find it a bit heavy, wondering how the owl had carried it and from where.
He ripped apart the brown paper and was flummoxed at the sight of a bottle of pure golden whiskey. He brought it closer to inspect it, wondering if this was some prank and just to test it, he opened the bottle and took a small sip. He spluttered as the smoky liquid made him feel like he just drank fiery coal- okay it was definitely not a prank. How had Regulus gotten this? And why did he send it to him? Is this what had gotten him drunk?
As he wrapped it back up, he wondered about where he could hide all this from Sirius because gods forbid, he ever found out about this. Well he was more worried about Sirius seeing the letter, the bottle he could just hide in the cellar with the rest of the ancient liquors.
But he didn’t worry about that now because Regulus was okay and safe and happy, if slightly kidnapped.
Perhaps all of his time spent worrying this summer was pointless.
Sleep claimed him easily that night and he dreamed of Regulus’ mercury eyes and the glistening surface of the Black Lake under a full moon.
_______
After many many Pepper Up potions the following morning, Regulus floo’d back to an empty house and he was incredibly relieved.
Kreacher informed him that his parents had gone out for a ‘meeting’ and that Bellatrix would be coming over tonight to take him somewhere. All he gathered from that was that he could spend the entire day sleeping so he told the elf to wake him up an hour before his cousin arrived before trudging up the stairs, taking off his clothes, and going to sleep.
When he woke up, the sun had gone from high in the sky to just hitting the skyline, bright beams of red and orange light shooting through the buildings around the house as the moon slowly ascended.
He knew his sleeping schedule would be ruined but he needed it after last night and he found he didn’t quite mind meeting with Bellatrix tonight.
She hadn’t necessarily mentioned anything earlier so he assumed today would just be more duelling practice or something of the sort and he put on a simple pair of trousers, a button down shirt, and a cloak before waiting in the receiving room for her to arrive.
He occupied his free time by thinking about James and what he might have thought when he received the letter. He couldn’t quite remember what it was he even said in the dark of the club and the haze of his thoughts, he just knew he was so excited for the opportunity to write to him that he just kept writing until he ran out of space.
He also remembered attaching the whiskey to the owl because none of them wanted to drink it…
That was a bit embarrassing but what’s done is done.
He quickly wiped the smile off his face and dropped his mental walls once Bellatrix arrived, not even wanting to imagine how she’d react if she saw how he spent his night. Realistically, she might not care too much about him partying but she would certainly be interested in the letter which would lead to more memories about James and that was a rabbit hole he’d rather she not explore.
She gave him her familiar smile, kissed him on a cheek and whispered, “Tonight will be so much fun,” and whisked him away without another word. He didn’t find comfort in this particular kidnapping in the slightest.
They ended back up in a- surprise, surprise, random field in gods know where. It was already dark by now, the waxing moon the only thing illuminating the silhouettes of large hulking trees and bushes that dotted the land they were on.
“When are you going to stop bringing me to random fields?” he complained.
She just laughed, “I don’t wish to be here any more than you but we have business to attend to,” she turned to point at a small house in the distance, “In there, are two muggle borns who work in the Ministry. The woman, Abena, has been spreading propaganda about the dark Lord and has been actively petitioning to remove individuals like Lucius from the ministry as they were ‘suspicious.’ She’s a nuisance and for that, she needs to be dealt with,” she commanded, her voice as cold and brittle as ice.
He turned to look at the small cottage nestled amid a ring of trees with glowing orange lights illuminating a small garden on the side. He looked through the windows and saw a figure moving back and forth and assumed the woman, Abena, was in the kitchen, probably preparing to wind down and go to bed.
“Dealt with?” he asked, his voice quiet in the dark night.
He felt all his earlier joy slowly seep out of him, leaving him cold and empty again. That feeling was more familiar to him than happiness and he found it so easy to just lean into it again, to accept that this was how his life was to be.
“Yep,” she said without an ounce of care, she could be talking about the weather with how little emotion leaked into her voice whereas he felt like he was overflowing with it, “But I understand you have a bit of a soft heart so today, I want you to just watch me. Next time, you will have the honour.”
With that, she spun around and began a leisurely stroll up to the small cottage and Regulus wanted to stop her, pull her back by the elbow and take them away. He wanted to use all of her training right back at her to stop her, disarm her, do whatever it took to save this poor woman he’d never heard of.
All his life, the importance of family had been drilled into him- how he could never love nor trust anyone outside of their family but did they really feel absolutely nothing for something with a different surname or different blood composition? He couldn’t fathom it.
As they approached, his stomach dropped because they didn’t even have wards around their house. There was absolutely nothing to indicate that they were scared of something happening to them and now they were left completely and utterly exposed, ripe for the taking.
The minute they hit the porch, Regulus’ blood turned cold because strewn about, were toys. He saw a small truck painted a bright red and a teddy bear whose fur was soft and brown- it looked brand new. There were some toy soldiers and a pair of little wellies with a bit of speckled dirt on them left by the door.
This time he really did grab Bellatrix, “Look,” he warned her, “We can’t do this.”
She glanced down at the toys, kicked one out of her way, and silently looked back at him, saying all she needed to in a single look, before turning away.
Panic rose in him like a wave- she wasn’t alone. If she had a child, she might have a partner as well. It was night so they’d all be home. His thoughts just rushed through him as he made possible connections and it was so tiring because it didn’t matter in the slightest because Bellatrix’s hand was on the doorknob and he was following right behind her.
The foyer was silent but voices carried easily in the small home and they followed them like a trail to the kitchen, exactly where he’d assumed the family would be. Bellatrix moved like a wraith, practically blending in with the darkness itself as she moved, her feet silent on the wooden floor.
She stopped at the doorway, holding a hand up to stop him as well and he sidled up next to her, peering around the corner to see them.
Abena was standing by the sink, her hair was tied up in a scarf and her pyjamas were loose and comfortable. She was humming a little tune to herself as she scrubbed at some baby bottles and the baby sitting on the counter was bouncing along, babbling incoherently. There was a man sitting at the table who was looking over some paperwork, his glasses hanging on the edge of his nose while his eyelids slowly drooped.
Could Bellatrix really take the two of them on at once? Despite being distracted, it was still a numbers game in the end, one spell from either of them could knock Bellatrix down in a second and he didn’t think he had it in him to finish the job for her should she be incapacitated.
“I told you, you don’t have to help me with that,” she called over her shoulder.
“I want to help you,” the man said tiredly, pulling his glasses off and leaning back in his chair. “What you’re doing- it matters.”
“I know but it’s a lot to take on, when I started I just wanted to do something but now-.”
The baby dropped whatever it had been holding and Abena stopped speaking to pick it up.
With that, Bellatrix saw her moment and slithered from around the doorway, flicking her wand out from her sleeve with a quick jab and she instantly struck the man, “Avada Kedavra!”
He was pushed to the side from the sheer force of it and he sprawled on the floor like a puppet whose strings had been cut. His blond hair fell over his face and his eyes stared unseeingly forward, his mouth open in what was the beginning of a shout but now was nothing more.
Regulus froze, feeling like his eyes were staring at him- accusatory, and he flexed his hands and chewed the insides of his cheeks hard enough to draw blood, copper filling his mouth. He felt like his own hands were doused in blood with how slick with sweat they were.
The woman shrieked, still on the floor behind the counter and Bellatrix just moved on, entirely unaffected by the spell she had just cast.
“Abena,” she called out, drawing out the last vowel, “Why don’t you come out so we can have a nice chat yeah?”
She whimpered, slowly standing up with her hands raised, her eyes darted from them to her husband to her child. She was clearly weighing her options and when she locked eyes with him, he could see her pleading with him, begging him to stop this. She could probably read the pain in her face mirrored onto his.
“P-Please I- my baby-” she stuttered, whatever composure she had breaking in an instant as fat tears slid down her cheeks.
“Why didn’t you think about them before spreading lies about the Ministry? Before publicly shaming the dark Lord? You brought this upon yourself,” Bellatrix tutted, advancing.
She shook her head vehemently, “No- I didn’t mean to, I just didn’t understand- Please I’ll do whatever you want me to,” she begged.
“Perfect,” his cousin smiled and with that she struck the woman with a stream of bright green light.
The baby on the counter suddenly screamed as it cried, likely from the commotion, and it began to fuss, its small hands grabbing the air as it looked around for its parents.
Bellatrix just sneered at it, disgusted by its mere existence and while he had never really been around babies enough to like or hate them, his heart ached for the poor child that had been orphaned in a single night.
She cringed, covering her ears as it wailed, “Right well, here’s an opportunity for you. Kill that thing and we’ll be done here.”
Surely he hadn’t heard her correctly, “What?” he broke out.
She looked at him like he was stupid, “Kill the child. This is actually a rather good opportunity for you- it won’t beg you to live or look at you all funny. It doesn’t even know anything so it should be easy.”
He thought it might be easier to kill himself than it would be the baby.
It’s not like he was an animal lover or some sort of pacifist but at the very core of this situation- he was an adult, and this was a baby. A baby who had not yet lived, not known the feel of the sun warming its skin on a hot summer's day or tasted chocolate melt on his tongue. He had not felt love beyond a mothers’ touch nor a laughter shared with its’ friends.
He would be cutting all of that in an instant.
“I have to talk to the dark Lord, finish up here and burn the house down when you’re done. I’ll owl you for next time,” she finished up, picking a bit of lint off her robes before stalking out of the house with a tone of finality, leaving no room for refusal. She did, however, call over her shoulder, “I’ll be sure to let him know of your helpful involvement,” before the door slammed shut.
Then it was just him and this child that continued to sob as it shuddered, trying to breathe while its face turned all red and splotchy.
As Regulus took another hesitant step towards the baby, he saw that the onesie it was wearing was patterned with little hippogriffs stomping around. The outfit said something across the front and upon closer inspection he saw the words, “Best Big Brother Ever!”
The house was otherwise silent and Regulus truly lost the strength in his knees then as he realised Abena was pregnant. He saw her out of the corner of his eye and noticed her top had bunched up around her midsection, revealing a swollen stomach.
His breath caught in his throat as he looked away and refocused on the child once more.
The baby saw him approach and reached chubby fists out towards him, recognising him as a friend instead of a foe and his legs moved upon their own volition, carrying him so close that his hips hit the counter and the baby scuttled closer to him.
Regulus raised a single trembling finger and the baby latched onto it with all its force before pulling his hand down closer to him, clutching it as he batted big blue eyes up at him. They were wet and full of unshed tears but his loud cries lessened to whimpers now that he was close. He had a small tuft of brown hair on his head that looked feather light as it caught the low light.
He wasn’t going to kill this baby.
No matter what happened, no matter if the child continued to cry or stopped, even if Bellatrix walked in once more to check on him- he knew he could never raise a wand to it. He knew that even if he tried to muster the courage to cast, he would still fail because he wouldn’t be able to mean the words enough to manage it.
He couldn’t just leave the child here nor could he leave Abena and her husband to burn down in this house without ceremony. They probably had family members and they deserved some sort of solace in all this loss.
He thought about if he had been struck down suddenly. While his blood family might not care, he imagined Pandora would visit his grave, probably Barty and the rest too…Would James? Sirius? Remus?
Ultimately, It didn’t matter because he needed to do this for them, this couple who he didn’t know for more than five minutes and was now responsible for. Maybe they didn’t have family at all but at his core, he knew it was right to honour them in some sort of way.
He picked the baby up a bit awkwardly as he wasn’t used to it, but he held it as it nuzzled into his shoulder, his gloved hands pawing at his cloak, and he walked deeper into the house until he saw a little playpen erected in the sitting room.
He lit the candlelights and placed the baby in there for now with some toys, hoping he could just distract himself for a few moments. He picked up the small radio on the wall and turned it on to some random station playing music, hoping to drown out any other sounds.
The baby didn’t do anything more than just sit there and stare at him and so long as he wasn’t crying, Regulus accepted it and walked out of the room.
He went back to the kitchen and walked out of the side door there, leading him to the small garden he saw earlier. There were beds of vegetables lined up next to bushels of roses and other flowers he wouldn’t know the name of if he even tried.
From the wooden shed, he grabbed a shovel and did something he didn’t think he’d ever do- he dug a grave.
He pushed the shovel into the soft earth and dug, piling the bowl full of dirt before scooping it and throwing it aside. Sweat beaded on his back and his arms burned from the force but he couldn’t stop.
Anger and sadness and misery roiled in him, fighting for dominance, as he thought about tonight.
How much time had even passed?
Even if he didn’t kill them himself, the blood was still on his hands. He was an accomplice and in some cases that’s even worse because he didn’t come here with any sort of mission and technically, he could have stopped Bellatrix or he could have warned them, but instead he just stood and watched.
The earth was soft and malleable and easily gave way to the shovel Regulus still continued to work with until he thought he hit somewhere around six feet.
He moved a couple paces over and repeated his actions, on and on until the second hole was about equal.
As he looked down at the graves, he considered his own mortality, the fact that one day this would be him. He’d never be buried underground- instead probably in some cold granite tomb, but he would be shuttered away, his body an empty vessel while his soul crossed over into some unknown liminal space.
He considered the second plot as well- who would be in it? Would he have someone he loved beside him? Or would it be his wife who he already knew he wouldn’t fully love- not authentically anyways. It would just be love borne out of obligation. Or would he have no one? Instead dying entirely alone and his body placed next to some unknown Black family member from centuries ago.
The air had cooled only somewhat slightly but his heavy cloak weighed him down and he just wanted the night to be over.
Stepping back into the house, he peered around the doorway at the baby once more that was now blinking sleepily around as it clutched a stuffy in his hand and he went back to what he needed to do.
He felt nauseous having been in the house for so long but he started to understand how this family felt so safe out here. There was no one around for miles, he couldn’t even hear a single bug buzzing or the bushes rattle with some creature- it was otherwise serene.
Gathering some linens from a cupboard, he set them atop each of the bodies, steadfastly looking away from their faces, and levitated them one at a time to their assigned plots, Abena in the first and Dennis in the second. He caught sight of his name on the letter he had been reading and felt some ease that he knew this man's name, no matter how belated it was.
He levitated the dirt back atop the bodies and patted the top flat. It wouldn’t be necessarily obvious that their bodies were here as he tried his best to blend the mounds of fresh dirt with the surroundings and in a split second decision, he did something wildly stupid.
A pile of smooth stones were artfully arranged around the garden and he carried them back to the graves and made two small cairns with them, crouching down in the dirt and methodically setting them atop each other until he had a small tower he was pleased with and he repeated the gesture again. Then, remembering, he made another smaller tower right next to Abena’s, signifying the baby that had been lost in the fight as well.
Finally, he grabbed two large flat stones and using his wand, he engraved the names Abena and Dennis on them, setting them atop each designated grave. Next to Abena, he just drew a small circle for the baby who had no name.
The three of them deserved better but this was the best he could do and he hoped they could somehow find peace with each other and in the knowing that for now, their firstborn was okay.
He walked away, back to the baby that had fallen asleep on its stomach, and wrapped him in a blanket before walking back outside. He stirred a bit but beyond that, he didn’t fuss too much, keeping the stuffy close to his chest.
Once he made it a safe distance away, he raised his wand and whispered, “Incendio!”
The house burst into flames, the wood catching easily as fire devoured each plank of wood before it reached the inside and swallowed every memory this family had created here until the house was nothing more than unrecognisable kindling for an insatiable flame.
He turned his back to the house, not wanting to subject himself or the child to watch the inevitable turn of a house into ash.
_______
He walked through fields for endless miles, he couldn’t tell really as his body had gone a bit numb and his arms stiff, but the sky started to bleed into a watery grey when he finally came upon another house.
He approached and he saw that the lights were off but he hoped someone lived there or else he was going to be well and truly out of options.
One of the windows was cracked open to allow a fresh breeze into the small home and he peeked through. There was no one in the sitting room but there were picture frames lined up on a small table by the window he was at and he studied each of them.
Most of them featured a small child, much like the boy he was carrying but the one in the photos seemed a bit older. There was a woman in most of them but some had men, other children, or other women who all seemed to just be various family members.
He couldn’t tell who exactly lived here but he looked down at the baby that slowly started to wake in his arms, likely hungry after going so long without food.
His stomach dropped as he considered his options and he felt slight panic now that he was finally presented with a solution. He didn’t want to part with the child- no matter how crazy it sounded, whether out of guilt or genuine care, he didn’t know but he was about to redirect the entire course of this child’s life and the pressure was immense.
Steeling himself and shutting off his mind, he dropped the child off right on the doorstep, still wrapped up in a fuzzy blanket, and he knocked on the door loud enough so that anyone inside could hear.
He spared the nameless baby one last look and saw that his eyes were wide open now and pinned on him, studying his face as though he wanted to remember him but Regulus knew that today would slip away from the child’s mind in just a few hours while tonight would stick with him forever.
A light turned on in the house and he apparated a few feet away, crouching down in the tall swaying grass out front to hide himself.
The door opened to reveal an old woman with long grey hair and a wrinkled but kind face. She was already slightly bent over but she looked up and around for whoever knocked on the door. She stared into the distance for a long moment before the baby at her feet made a noise and she jumped.
“Oh my god,” she cried out and she hurriedly bent down to grab the child.
She hoisted him up in her arms and softly pulled aside the blanket to reveal his face. She cradled his face gently while whispering and Regulus knew he had made the right decision- that she would take care of this boy for as long as he needed.
The door shut behind him and just like that, he was alone again.
A tear slid down his face as he apparated away with a crack loud enough to echo across the sprawling fields.
_______
There was a tray of food left under stasis on the desk of his room. It was a simple sandwich with salad on the side and Regulus instantly knew Kreacher had left it there for him. He realised that he hadn’t eaten a single thing all day, even earlier if he thought about it considering his little kidnapping.
The thought of eating now only made his appetite disappear even more and he just vanished the entire tray, thankful for the thought but feeling entirely undeserving of it nonetheless. Not eating was just the easier option most days.
After a burning hot shower, his skin felt raw and painful to the touch but he didn’t feel clean until he had reached that point. His skin bled in certain spots from scrubbing too hard, as though taking off a layer of skin would erase tonight but it wouldn’t. The memories embedded themselves deeply in his brain and he couldn’t very well scrub that clean.
He curled into a ball in the centre of his bed, his mind silent as it played the baby’s eyes, Dennis’ face, Abena’s pleas in a mute record. It was like watching a black and white Muggle film where one was left to imagine the words and understand the characters’ emotions through their facial expressions only Regulus didn’t have to quite imagine their despair.
His eyes drifted to his alarm clock on the side table and he caught that today was August 1st.
Only one more month till he was back at school.
He was a horrible person, but he was still human, and despite being entirely undeserving, he unfolded himself and gingerly walked to his book bag hung on a hook beside his closet.
He opened the latch and dug through it, pulling out books and opening pockets, brushing his finger against all the smaller notes James left throughout the year, until he got to his Defence Against the Dark Arts book.
James’ letter was left just on the inside of the cover.
The envelope was labelled with the same looping handwriting that James claimed to have done via spell and he ran his finger over the ink, as though he could run his hands over the smooth skin of James’ hand.
He felt the ghost of his touch against his lips when he fed him that one time by the Lake. His body remembered the way it arched to his touch and warmed whenever he trailed his fingers across it in a lazy track. The scar on his abdomen pulled and his lips chilled in the absence of James.
James was written all over him and yet Regulus still craved his touch. He wasn’t sure he could handle much longer without it.
But for now the letter would have to do so he cracked the wax seal and pulled the paper out, breaking the vow he made when he said he was undeserving to read his words because no matter how true they were, it was impossible to deny James’ intoxicating allure.
_______
He woke up to a featherlight touch trailing along his bare back as sunlight burned against the back of his eyelids. The pillow under him was soft and the sheets were lazily strewn about and he felt comfortable as he stretched his tight muscles slightly.
“Good morning,” a quiet voice murmured and Regulus turned to the voice.
“James,” he slurred, caught off guard. He looked around and saw they were in the Room Of Requirement and he was in their conjured bed. The room looked the same with the sofas, books, and hearth all still there.
Everything looked the same except for-
“I asked the room for some windows,” James smiled and Regulus refocused on him, “They’re fake though so no one can see us anyways.”
His face was soft from sleep, his earthy eyes still heavy lidded and hair mussed. He smiled lazily down at Regulus as he braced his head on his arm and his top was off as well, the muscles in his golden chest and arm flexing as he continued tracing circles across his skin.
He felt so disoriented, “What are we doing here? I had-.”
“You just had a bad dream love,” James assured him, leaning down and pressing a warm kiss to his lips.
It was slow and languid, full of longing as James tracked his lips with his tongue before slipping it between his lips to deepen it. He moved his hand to cradle against Regulus’ cheek and all complaints fell away as he enjoyed this moment, eager to forget anything he thought to be true.
Suddenly, James froze and his lips turned ice cold as he stilled his movements and Regulus opened his eyes, pulling away to look at him.
His eyes were blown wide in fear as he stared down at him.
“James?” he asked, concerned as he sat up hastily.
“Regulus?” he whispered fearfully, looking down at him.
Regulus looked down and suddenly the bed they were in fell away like a fissure opening wide and then they were standing across each other in a dark and empty corridor. Nothing was visible aside from James’ silhouette a few feet away. Regulus knew it anywhere, had the figure of him memorised in his mind.
When Regulus tried to move to him, his feet were frozen in place, and suddenly his arm was raised.
He couldn’t force himself to speak to James who cowered in fear across from him. Tears welled in his eyes and Regulus felt this body betray him as he fought to run to him, to protect him from…himself. It was a living nightmare.
“Avada Kedavra!” he heard his own voice shout and James’ figure instantly crumpled to the floor.
Only then was the spell on him released, and an earth shattering roar ripped from his throat as he ran to James, tripping over his own feet in the process as he crawled the rest of the way to him.
“Nonono” he cried, pulling James’ limp figure into his lap, he slapped his face harshly, “Wake up please.”
It felt so viscerally real, the pain a living and breathing thing as it sank its claws into him, pulling and tearing at his innards, but it was still nothing compared to seeing James’ body fall and hit the ground with an audible thump. Feeling his skin run ice cold and his eyes shut.
He threw his head back and cried, feeling tears slide down his face in hot tracks, burning his skin so brightly he felt like he was being flayed.
He felt a harsh jolt to the back and suddenly he was thrown forward, falling through the stone floors of the corridor they were situated in, and he opened his eyes to be faced with his room again. Kreacher stood at the foot of the bed, staring up at him with wide eyes. He was pulling at the tea cloth he was wrapped in and he looked genuinely distressed, Regulus didn’t think he’d ever seen him look so concerned.
“Master Regulus was screaming. He is needing help, he-.”
“Get out,” he breathed out, his throat dry and scratchy.
“He is-.”
“Get out Kreacher!” he shouted at the elf, throwing his arms wide out.
He disappeared and Regulus just dropped his head in his hands.
It was just a dream but it felt so real…so painfully real.
He ached for something that hadn’t even come to pass.
_______
“Yes Mrs. Black, my father is indeed well but certainly more busy than usual these days,” Pandora smiled but Regulus saw the tension in her shoulders, the haunted quality to her normally bright blue eyes, the way her hands trembled just like his continued to do on bad days.
“Oh I’m sure, well take as much time as you need,” his mother said before leaving the two of them alone.
“Pandora I-,” he only managed to say before she gripped his arm tight enough to hurt.
She looked practically manic as she stared at him, her eyes boring deep into his soul as her hand held him as though she was trying to steal his very own life force.
“What is it?” he gasped, feeling her breath hit him in hot pants as her entire body began to shake.
“I saw something- I saw- my gods, It was the end,” she gasped before she went limp in his arms, passing out against him as he gently dropped them both to the floor.
He couldn’t help but remember that he had been holding James in this exact position in his dreams and while he was no Seer, the deja vu racked through him like a tidal wave.
As she was taken to St. Mungo’s, he couldn’t help but wonder what it was she had seen. The end of what? The sheer urgency of her voice terrified him and the more he thought about it, the less he wanted to know what future Pandora believed would come true.
She came to him specifically with this, an act she knew was risky-…if she saw James, or Sirius-
No. He refused to consider it.
He just continued to hold her hand in the bright white room of St. Mungo’s, listening to her rhythmic breathing, keeping her warm hand in his, and whether it was more for her support or his- he wasn’t sure.