blind with emotion
Consciousness seeped in rather quickly for Regulus as the bright sunlight that filtered in through the windows by Pandora’s bed caused his eyelids to warm and turn bright red. Pandora, who had a tendency to gaze at the stars before falling asleep, unfortunately left the blinds open more often than not but he hated that habit today more than usual. The sun was especially piercing, blazing with an intensity as though the window pane wasn’t between them at all.
He tried to paw around for his blanket but kept coming up blank and groaned because it was also colder than usual today, the warming charms on the tower probably faltering. He’d have to ask someone about that…who was in charge of those anyways?
While he came up blank for that , he did feel a distinct weight on his midsection and was not pleased that his bedmate had taken to flipping over in the night like she used to despite the long discussion they had about it. That, however, was easily forgotten as his nose twitched against a distinct prickling that no amount of nose twitching like a rabbit helped.
He had already accepted that today was going to be all types of wrong considering just how off his ‘waking up’ routine now seemed to be.
Sighing, he opened his eyes, knowing that his bedside alarm was likely to go off any second now if the sun was already up, and was met with a wide swath of blue. Yet it wasn’t the royal blue colour of Pandora’s gauzy bed curtains but much lighter- the colour of the sky.
The sight was like a shock to his system and he quickly sat up, knocking an unmistakable limb off of him. He supported himself on shaky hands as he registered the lush green trees around him, the lake off to the distance, and the green grass under him soft and wet with dew.
He was nearly too terrified to look at what, who , was next to him. He almost rather wished it was some evil creature from the Forbidden forest because the truth of the matter was much more terrifying than that.
James was sleeping peacefully next to him, looking for all the world like he was up in his bed in the Gryffindor tower. He was lying on his side, one arm under his head and the other still outstretched towards Regulus. His eyelids were firmly shut but his mouth was slightly open through which soft breaths escaped, condensation forming with each exhale showing the temperature. As if to punctuate that point further, the tip of his nose was just slightly pink making him look flushed but no less striking. His clothing clung to him wetly in the spots the sun didn’t quite hit and light gooseflesh littered his skin, each minute detail visible in the bright morning light.
Regulus felt the opposite- he felt like he was on fire as the tips of his ears burned and his back sweat, heating the wetness that had seeped into his top over the night. He scrubbed at his eyes with shaky hands and ran them through his hair trying to force his brain into action, into forming some sort of coherent thought beyond the static that pulsed loudly through his skull.
He was so focused on trying to reorient himself that he couldn’t even think, couldn’t come to terms with the fact that he had technically slept with James Potter last night.
All he remembered after their impromptu race was sitting down on the grass, making idle conversation about professors and other students, occasionally offering anecdotes about their own day and then…nothing. His mind drew a blank- no memories of walking back to the dorm, of changing into his sleeping clothes and firmly putting a close to the day.
He was still in his athletic clothes, leaving last night's chapter wide open and allowing that story into the following day, firmly breaking whatever unspoken rule they had about their nightly trysts.
Everyday he and James would walk past each other, see each other in Potions, make brief eye contact in the Great Hall and no more only to meet each other at their designated spot by the Lake, sometimes bickering and other times laughing about whatever inane joke one of them had made. They never spoke about these lessons outside of their little bubble and they had firmly popped it this morning, under the sunlight rather than the usual moonlight.
His eyes again fell onto James and he had to urge to reach out and brush the tendril of hair that had snaked to land over his eye. He eyed the curved arm that was just a hair's breadth away from his hip now and he wondered when it had come to fall on Regulus in the night, was he aware that he had done it? Would Regulus have allowed it if he was awake?
His train of thought, that was currently very close to derailing and crashing, came to a screeching halt as he looked up at the sun and figured that they were nearing dangerous territory with how long they had been down here.
He leant down to James and harshly whispered, “Potter!”
No response.
He gripped his arm tightly and began to shake it, “James!” he hissed.
He was granted a deep breath and a shifting of his arm over his eyes but nothing further from the boy next to him.
A quick look at the castle showed little figures in different colours, like ants, walking back and forth through courtyards and empty hallways and he figured breakfast may already be coming to a close.
“Fuck,” he whispered to himself before standing back up.
He clearly wasn’t going to be waking up anytime soon and the idea of James waking up to Regulus’ panicked face only centimetres from his own made his cheeks flare up and heart thrum faster.
And technically, he just slept with James Potter…in a roundabout sort of way. He didn’t even understand how they had managed to fall asleep as though they were toddlers who had stayed up past their bedtime and not actual adults capable of handling themselves.
Regulus did what he did best in situations where he was quite stressed and didn’t quite know what the solution was- he ran away.
He scrabbled back to where his shoes lay discarded from the start of his race and put them on, hopping around on the opposite foot and just threw his sodden and ruined robes over his shoulder.
Remembering his manners and not wanting to simply leave James there as a nice snack for whatever lurked in the forest, he threw a quick stringing hex over his shoulder at James who yelped but Regulus was gone before he could even make sense of it all.
____
Regulus cast another disillusionment over himself, remembering the last time he did this and feeling dizzy from the nerves of it all rather than the injuries he sustained last time. He was getting rather good at this charm though it still made him feel a bit creepy doing it like this.
He kept his steps light and was sure to dodge oncoming students all the way up to Ravenclaw tower. When he made it to the door, a first year student was walking out and while he held the door open for his friends who were coming up behind him, Regulus quickly snuck in.
It was all going well until he reached Pandora’s dorm where he felt a bit of stress creeping in.
It was likely some girls were bound to still be in the room and he didn’t want to just walk in and possibly intrude on something after they had treated him so kindly these past few weeks but he also needed to get in quickly if he didn’t want to miss class. He also wanted to wash off the distinct smell of “outside” he had managed to acquire.
He ended up knocking on the door and going for honesty and was met not with Milena, who he was secretly hoping for, but Ronda. A girl from Ireland with bouncy red hair who was rather nice but incredibly too inquisitive and curious for his liking.
“Regulus! I was wondering where you were this morning,” she chirped, opening the door wider for him, “Where’ve you been?”
Regulus aimed to go straight to the bathroom but was cut off when, “Oh! Pandora just went in so you’ll have to wait.”
He threw her a half-hearted smile and a nod and just sat on his trunk, folding his limbs and awkwardly chewing the inside of his lip as she worked on her tie.
“So?” she pushed, eyeing him as if the answer was written on his forehead.
It honestly might have been considering his dishevelled appearance, he ran a hand through his hair and it was rather crunchy and he still had indents on his cheeks from the bristly grass. James’ body and heat was like a phantom limb, hanging onto his body and not quite wanting to leave yet.
“I just woke up early, went for a walk round the castle,” he evaded, anxiously picking his nails behind his back.
“Well I didn’t see you come in after my rounds last night either?” she questioned. “And I-“
Thankfully Pandora opened the creaky door then and stepped out, hair wrapped up in a towel.
“Oh would you look at that,” Regulus chirped, voice awkwardly high and tense as he side- stepped Pandora’s abrupt questioning looks and entered, abruptly slamming the door shut behind him and locking it.
He instantly dropped his shoulders and heaved a breath, finally having a moment to himself. He braced his hands on either side of the porcelain sink and looked up at himself in the steam slick mirror wondering how the hell he had ended up here. While the answer wasn’t exactly written on his forehead, he knew the evidence of ‘something’ lingered on him from his wide-eyed expression and shaky demeanour.
He quickly washed himself off, cringing in the heat still lingering from the previous showers, and summoned his clothes from his trunk before stepping out again.
Everyone had left except for Pandora who was sitting on the edge of her bed, staring out of the window with an odd look on her face. He could see her lips moving as she counted along her fingers, an unseen melody or story playing out in her mind and when she turned to look at him, her eyes were lined with silver and her wet hair was curling around her face, making her look completely otherworldly.
“Regulus,” she whispered and her tone was indiscernible. It was as if she hadn’t expected to see him here and while she wasn’t displeased, it held a sort of sharp edge to it, putting Regulus on his toes as he waited for her to say whatever it was that was whirling around her mind.
“I just went out for a walk this morning and I-” he rushed out quickly, wondering if the tone was may be accusatory and she knew more than he would have liked. A quick look at the window showed the gauzy curtains thrown wide open and the thought occurred to him- Were they visible through the window?
“It happened,” she said by way of explanation for her disposition and he couldn’t figure out what that meant as her eyes only filled again and tears slipped down tracks that had already been laid down on her rosy cheeks.
He sat down next to her, grasping her warm hands in his and looked up at her, conveying his question through his eyes, willing himself to understand her- to figure out what she was trying to say. She always knew how others felt or what they needed without words, why couldn’t he do the same?
“I saw my mum,” a watery smile broke through her lips and it was as if the sun had broken past grey clouds, warming the earth with its golden rays. The girl opposite him was simply another type of magic, a force of nature that did not come by often but when they did, the world would stop to watch what miracle she’d grant with a single smile or blink of an eye.
He finally understood what she meant and let the words sink in past his shock.
The women in the Lestrange family had a tendency to die young, oftentimes only living long enough to produce a child before dying through natural causes or otherwise. Perhaps by way of apology from the universe for this curse, they were often Seer’s as well and while Regulus had his doubts about Divination and anything related, Pandora was steadfast in her beliefs, apparently having seen it firsthand.
Pandora told him that once her grandmother died, she showed up in her mother’s dreams, gifting her a prophecy and that was how it happened to every woman in the family, a handing off of the torch of sorts, and when Pandora’s mom died when she was ten, she waited eagerly to see her mum once more and “receive” her gift.
Yet she never came and Pandora agonised over it, wondering if she was even going to get the gift of Sight at all but it seemed her prayers were answered last night when Carme, her mum, came to see her.
No matter how much he cared about Divination, the undiluted joy and fear on Pandora’s face was enough to force him to believe it, to share in this experience with her.
“She finally came, I thought she- I thought she forgot me,” she cried, curling in on herself and covering her face with her hands as her shoulders shook and Regulus immediately wrapped his arms around her, pulling her in to him, the floral scent of her soap flooding his nostrils and reminding him of a summer’s day.
“She’d never forget you, Pans,” he consoled, trying to diminish the long held doubts she had about her mother and her love.
While he didn’t quite know what a mother’s love was, he generally knew what love looked like through his friends, and he knew Pandora’s mum loved her, so much so that she had embedded in her daughter the strength to live her life the way she wanted, not what was expected of her by her family.
They remained wrapped around each other for long minutes, basking in one another’s comfort and while Pandora didn’t realise it, Regulus was holding onto her for equal measure, needing that same sense of security that he desperately tried to offer her.
Thoughts of last night and this morning bubbled up within him, begging to be let out but he remained quiet, unable to open Pandora’s box so to speak.
What was it about James that allowed his inhibitions to crumble so easy as if they had never been there at all? To challenge him to a race, laughing wildly as if they were children all the way to stepping into the lake with fear in his eyes and holding onto James like a lifeline. James was the only person to elicit such a wide range of emotions from him and it was almost addicting how alive he felt in his presence and the notion was utterly terrifying.
No matter how hard he scrubbed at his skin in the shower, peeling off his wet clothes and washing his hair, running his finger through the knotted strands, he could still pinpoint everywhere James Potter had touched him and while it had been mainly confined to his wrist, James was now spreading across his core like wildfire.
Pandora’s cries ceased, pulling him out of his reverie and she pulled back to look at him, “What is it?” she asked, reaching a small hand up in between his brows and rubbing the creases smooth.
“Nothing,” he promised, a toothpick supporting the weight of a house, and quickly added “Let’s skip classes today.”
“You read my mind,” she smiled easily, pulling a pack of Sugar Quills from under her pillow and offering him one.
He chewed it and willed his sour thoughts away.
“Do you want to know what my prophecy was?” she asked apprehensively.
“I’d love to know if you’re willing to share,” he said, pulling the bed covers up and around them.
“I saw me and Xeno, in a little house on a wide field somewhere…I was knitting something and he was by a printing press, well you know how he always talked about starting a paper? I think he did it,” she started smiling, eyebrows loosening and her limbs relaxing, “And Reg…I heard a baby’s laughter.”
Pandora was young but he knew what she wanted, what she craved- a life away from her family, a dream their entire friend group shared and if that was what she saw, who was Regulus to deny the validity of it.
He just squeezed her hand tighter and listened to her describe everything she remembered of her mum in excruciating detail with such childlike splendour.
______
He was however, unable to continue ignoring the world the following day as he had to actually go to his classes and come face to face with the problem at the top of his list- James.
He walked in just before the bell rang and quietly sat at his desk, not looking anywhere except up at the front where Slughorn was already diving into an incredibly exciting lecture about unicorn saliva and how it has medicinal uses in Potions.
He copied down just about every word their professor said and he didn’t know whether it was because he actually cared or if he wanted something to focus on besides the eyes that were boring into the right side of his head. It was also because Lupin had apparently decided he didn’t want to take notes today and Regulus couldn’t see the main points on the blackboard with his giraffe neck in the way.
It was going well until a small piece of parchment came into his line of sight, poking against his hand and he saw, Where were you yesterday? Scrawled atop it in horrendous handwriting.
He looked at it, considering, before pushing it away back towards James, and going back to his work.
The other boy was relentless as he pushed it back again with an additional ? , his other parchment labelled “Notes” still empty on the other side of him.
Busy. was his only answer.
My arm still hurts.
Regulus looked at it quizzically, darting his eyes up to James for the briefest of moments to make sure he knew that he wasn’t catching his meaning so James clarified,
The stinging hex- not a nice way to wake up, thank you very much.
Regulus could feel the heat rising to his face at the reminder of that. He was a bit of an arsehole for that really.
Sorry, you weren’t waking up
You could’ve tried something besides violence
Like?
James stared at that for quite some time and right when it seemed that he had come up with some sort of response, Slughorn came around with an assignment that they were to work on with their partner.
“Regulus Arcturus Black,” he heard sharply from behind him and he slowly turned to Dorcas who was giving him a look cold enough to cut ice.
“Yes, Dorcas Odette Meadowes,” he replied, giving her a funny look at the use of his middle name and now hers.
She gasped, “Shut up.”
“You literally started it,” he deadpanned.
Sirius snickered at the mention of his middle name and hadn’t yet stopped. His assignment was still set between them and he had made no move to touch it, his textbook still firmly shut as he focused in on their conversation and Regulus just had to snipe at him and his audaciousness.
“Are you very much done Orion?”
Sirius abruptly stopped laughing, “Don’t you dare bring that up.”
Dorcas, eyes widening with the realisation, “Oh my gods, your name is Sirius Orion Black? As in "son of a bitch?” She immediately began cackling with laughter.
Next to him, James had begun laughing as well, much more discreet than Dorcas though, likely wanting to avoid Sirius’ wrath.
“Oi don’t think I don’t see you there Fleamont ,” Sirius spoke up, pointing sharply at James who reacted similarly to Sirius, shocked and frozen as though his middle name were a curse.
“Fleamont is a very respectable name,” James defended harshly.
“James babe, you’re embarrassing yourself,” Marlene spoke from in front of them, not even turning around to address them, “Sirius, please don’t start. Meadowes, your middle name is quite nice actually,” - a judge doling out their expert rulings.
Dorcas looked immensely pleased at that, sitting back in her seat smugly though her cheeks were a bit pink at the apples and Regulus knew her happiness wasn’t just faux confidence.
“What’s yours then since you’re the judge here?” Sirius asked over their table, their parchment accidently falling on the floor with the movement and neither he nor Dorcas even moved to pick it up, now completely engrossed in this completely irrelevant topic.
“I don’t have one,” she answered coolly.
Remus then turned around on their other side, speaking directly to Regulus and Sirius who sat in a perfect row, and whispered, “Phyllis.”
Even Regulus couldn’t help the snot he let out at that as everyone else around them howled with laughter.
“Shut it John,” she grumbled even though she knew it didn’t quite work as his middle wasn’t quite as obscene.
The conversation quieted, everyone thoroughly embarrassed, and Regulus then looked down at the parchment in front of him and started to fill out the answers to each question, flipping through his textbook for certain answers or references. He never even got to why Dorcas had called his name so seriously in the first place.
James was drumming his fingers on the table next to him, and Regulus’ attention kept jumping between the paper in front of him and James’ movements that he apparently couldn’t help but do. He tried to stick it out, he really did, but he reached his breaking point as whatever song that had gotten stuck in James’ head sped up.
He calmly set his quill down and rested his hand on James’, applying pressure and flattening his hand against the table, “Shh,” was all he said.
They spent the rest of the lesson in weighted silence.
James hadn’t actually mentioned their tumultuous morning two days ago beyond a complaint about the hex and Regulus wondered what he thought about it.
Wondering was putting it lightly.
He didn’t know whether James not mentioning it was a good or bad thing and never received an answer to that. James was awfully easy to read sometimes and other times, Regulus couldn’t tell what was going on in his head.
_____
“You’ve been avoiding me.”
“No,” Actually yes I have been James, you’re a clever one aren’t you, it only took you about a week to realise. Have you considered being an Auror? You’d be great.
“Why don’t I believe that?” he mused from his spot on the ground as per usual by the lake, his feet already submerged under the dark water.
“That seems more like a question you should ask yourself,” Regulus replied, settling down next to him in the same spot as usual, him on James’ right with just about an inch between them, his hand on his knee and James’ on the ground behind him. It was practically routine at this point, his body moving simply by memory.
James turned to look at him then but remained silent and Regulus allowed it for a moment, used to James’ lingering looks that were usually accompanied by a comment but today, one didn’t come.
Regulus gave in and swung his head to the side, looking at James from this new askew angle, “What is it?”
“I just like your jumper, where’s it from?” He asked, studying it with narrowed eyes.
Regulus looked down in question, as if he forgot what he was wearing.
It was a plain black jumper with a simple emblem on the breast- a small lightning bolt and on the back it had the same design except it was much larger and had other accompanying patchwork designs. It was rather comfortable but it wasn’t his.
No, it was Sirius’.
He spent a lot of time in Sirius’ room in the days following his escape from Grimmauld, sometimes crying, other times cursing his brother, and once he tired himself out, just sitting there numbly, memories in the room clouding his vision.
Before Walburga got a chance to board his room up, Regulus snatched a few items from his closet, this jumper being one of them. If he tried hard enough, he could still remember the scent of pine and cigarette smoke that remained around the collar. Wearing the jumper felt like a hug and it was that needed reassurance that had him throwing it on before coming outside tonight.
“It was a gift,” he answered.
“Hmm, it’s nice,” he decided before standing up, “Now take it off, we have work to do tonight.”
Regulus did as commanded and the way James’ voice was quivering with excitement set him on edge, worrying just how antsy James was getting about their progress in regards to swimming. Regulus barely made it up to his waist in the past, he wasn’t sure what limits James was willing to overstep.
“C’mon Reg, you’ve done this already,” James said, already taking large steps into the lake and stopping only when the waves were lapping against his broad chest.
Regulus was so torn because no matter how hard he tried to fight it, these lessons would continue but he didn’t want to get in. He was sure if he really tried to fight it he could but was he willing to give up these lessons forever? The idea caused his stomach to flip and his nerves to quiver as if struck.
Regulus took much smaller steps than James, inching closer to the water and allowing it to wrap around him, licking at his exposed skin and chilling his core. He didn’t understand how James could handle it, bearing the weight of the freezing water as though it was nothing. He was about a yard away from James before he stopped, his toes digging into the thick sand and halting his movements. The water was up to his hips and crashed against him softly, as if trying to pull him in further.
James watched him intently, simply tracking his movements, not wanting to put pressure on Regulus but he must not have been aware that Regulus felt the weight of the world on his shoulders and this task of moving further into the water only added to it and he felt like crumbling.
“Stop it,” James spoke through the haze, “I can literally see the gears turning in your head, just shh,” he said, copying Regulus’ words from earlier.
After a few stilted moments, James inched closer to him and took initiative, taking hold of Regulus’ hands and dragging him in deeper to the water, back to the post James had originally taken up and the water level was just slightly higher to Regulus who cursed their height difference.
“I’m almost sad y’know,” James whispered.
“Why’s that?” Regulus asked only half paying attention to him.
“You’re doing so well, I’m not sure what I’ll do when our lessons are over,” James said, steadfastly avoiding Regulus’ eyes and instead focusing on their clasped hands.
Regulus barely registered the touch. The first time James had touched him, Regulus felt fire erupt at the spot and turn outwards, encasing him but now his touch was warm and welcome, his skin relishing in it easily and becoming accustomed to it as though it was naturally a part of him.
“Didn’t know you were so sentimental,” Regulus spoke, stopping once the water was up to his armpits, their hands still connected under the water now. Their fingers slipped slightly but James only tightened the hold, keeping them interlocked.
“I didn’t know I was either,” he said a bit wonderfully as though he meant to only think it but it slipped past his lips anyways.
They stood like that, staring at each other, waiting for the other to do something.
James took on the responsibility untangling their hands, reaching up to his glasses, and chucking them past Regulus’ head towards the shore. Regulus whipped around and saw them land just on the shore, nestled in a bed of sand.
“Potter,” he admonished at the mistreatment of the glasses he had just saved at their last Potions practical.
“I can’t have them on when I do this,” he explained before he dropped, going completely underwater before shooting back up like a rocket, his soaked hair clinging to his equally wet face.
He came up with a “Woo” before shaking his head viciously, spraying water across Regulus’ face and causing his hair to land and stick out in all odd directions.
“Won’t be falling asleep tonight, Merlin, it's so cold,” he said, wiping excess water off his face. He looked at Regulus’ expression and continued, “In a good way, very refreshing you know?” he said, voice high in pitch as if trying to encourage him to join in.
“You’re crazy.”
“Your turn,” James said, pointing to the water with a tip of the head, Regulus followed the line of his strong jaw to the water beneath them. The moonlight reflected on the water and was causing shadows to dance dramatically across his face, the antithesis to the way he seemed that morning on the shore in the sunlight.
Regulus was just about to do so but came up short, instead staring down at the water that was so close to him now, just threatening to wrap around his throat and close his airway. He hated himself for how weak he was in the face of James Potter who seemed to face every situation with the wild courage of a Gryffindor.
“I’m surprised you haven’t just dunked me underwater already,” Regulus breathed knowing that no one else would handle him with the same patience James did.
James just shook his head softly, tipping his head back to look up at the stars, exposing the long column of his throat, “You Blacks really are something else.”
“Sorry to disappoint,” Regulus frowned.
“On the contrary, I quite like Blacks, they’re just a bit dreary, always expecting something bad to happen,” he tutted, his hair still dripping around them, speaking about them as if he wasn’t faced with one right now.
“I prefer the term realistic.”
“Is your reality really so depressing?” James asked.
He meant it lightheartedly, surely he did, with his slight smile and bright eyes but the words struck Regulus so wholly, burrowing deep into his chest that Regulus immediately pulled back, their hands that had begun to find each other under the water again going back to his sides in an instant.
Of course his reality was “so” depressing. How James could be so stupid just astonished Regulus, he ought to think more before he spoke. He couldn’t tell whether he was more angry or sad as the two emotions collided with each other, fighting for dominance and instead forcing him to deal with both in full measure.
He was being sensitive and dramatic, yes but it was the comment coupled with the fact that he had received a letter from Orion this time that their uncle, Alphard, had passed away just a few days ago.
Alphard was a bit of an idol to him and Sirius and despite being blasted off the family tree for his “ways,” he still cherished them as nephews, often sending them secret letters and treats they wouldn’t otherwise receive. Alphard was happy, sending them ‘postcards’ from places all around the world and exotic candies from places Regulus didn’t know existed.
Something about his passing was so final, like proof that a life away from the Blacks only ended unfortunately and premature.
James’ words about a ‘sad life’ just reminded him of the raw wound left from his uncle and the fact that they had this conversation in the Lake, a place he hated almost as much as Grimmauld, only magnified his feelings.
He stepped away, making to stomp back to the shore but in his haste he tripped in the thick malleable sand, his foot getting caught causing him to tip forward just a few feet away from James.
He connected with the water with a harsh smack and the water quickly pulled him under, submerging him completely. He couldn't decide whether his eyes were open or not as he was met with all-encompassing darkness and water was filling his lungs, flooding his being, and he was back to that night in September, back to his body not being his and him slowly dying.
His feet slipped against the ground and he was still too far to reach anything with his hands and he flailed and heard distant sounds of splashing, the water around him moving madly from the disturbance, and he was only under for a moment longer before he was pulled up by his arms.
His eyes remained shut as he froze, being supported by James alone who had gone from grabbing his arms to securing them around his midsection, not allowing him to move another inch.
The cold water on his face was replaced with hot tears as he forced his mind to come back to the present instead of focusing on the past, to still itself and take him out of this recurring nightmare.
If he had just listened to James, he wouldn’t be here now, forced to face his fears rather than confronting them on his own, terrified.
He hated himself for being so weak but couldn’t fight the force within him that repulsed the water, repulsed James and everything to do with him. His fear of the water was turning into a fear of James and his power over him and Regulus didn’t know what to do because he couldn’t escape either, the evidence of that clear in this moment where the only sounds were James’ heavy breaths in his ear.
He held Regulus close to his chest, his skin burning hotly against his, “I’m sorry,” he whispered nonstop, a mantra.
He walked them both back to shore, setting them down a few healthy paces away from the water and he put his hands on either side of Regulus’ face, his own eyes looking between his in a show of concern and perhaps, fear.
He grabbed his wand and instantly cast warming charms around them and drying spells on them both, forcing the water that was weighing them down so heavily to disappear in a futile attempt to erase the incident that was burned into Regulus’ mind.
While the event was sudden and shocking, forcing Regulus to confront his fear so unexpectedly, he hated how much he feared it, how weak he was in the face of it all.
Everything Walburga had said about him being useless in the past seemed to be true now as he sobbed in the face of the Lake.
He forced himself to calm himself enough to speak, “I- I’m fine,” his voice coming out shaky and wrong, sounding nothing like himself.
“No, it was my fault, I’m- I’m so sorry Reg I shouldn’t have-” James rattled quickly, his chest heaving with how quick his breaths were coming.
“Don’t you ever get tired ,” Regulus complained, angry at the way James took everything on, shouldered others’ emotions as though he didn’t have any, apologised to Regulus for actions that were entirely his own fault.
“Tired?” James asked frantically, puzzled, his hands now resting on Regulus’ shoulders.
“It’s my fucking fault, stop apologising,” Regulus complained, trying to gather his energy to stand and leave yet his limbs were still shaky and not entirely his own.
“No, I said I would help you and I didn’t, I was too pushy and I-.”
“I don’t need you to help me, how many times do I have to explain, I don’t need-.”
“It doesn’t matter what you need , I’m here willingly,” James gesticulated wildly, his voice rapidly gaining power again.
“Why!” Regulus shouted now, his emotions boiling over and he knew he was just projecting onto James, misplacing his anger as per usual, but he just needed an outlet and James had the misfortune of being the object of his ire. He’d surely feel bad about it tomorrow but for now, he was blind with emotion.
“I don’t know, okay! I just-” his voice cracked with the last word as he looked around, as if trying to find the rest of his sentence in the night around them. His face was contorted into one of pain and confusion and it was so unsettling on his face that Regulus had to turn away, reminded that every interaction they had seemed volatile and ended up with him blowing up and James left to face it with the faintest of armour.
Regulus turned back and stepped away from the little warming charm James had cast and scooped up his previously discarded jumper, shoving it on harshly.
“W-Wait,” James spoke again, voice lower than before.
“What Potter,” Regulus huffed, feeling cold and embarrassed and in need of his bed.
“ That’s why I care,” he said, not referencing anything in particular.
Regulus looked around then back at him, forcing him to continue.
“The sleeve, Look at the inside of the left sleeve,” he choked out.
Regulus felt his limbs move on their own accord, slipping back the left sleeve to reveal his pale skin and he flipped around the inside of the sleeve and sure enough, written through the knitted fabric with gold thread were the letters J.P.
So it was never Sirius’ jumper but James’, that’s who Regulus seemed to have been drawn to by some unknown force, pushing him to find solace in James’ jumper out of the dozens that were Sirius’ alone.
The sight stunned him, more than anything else that evening, as he just stared and stared at the thread, tracing it with his eyes.
In the time he did that, James stepped up to him and he reached out, unfolding the sleeve over Regulus’ and holding it there, as if forcing him to keep the sweater on and Regulus felt the two letters burning a brand on his skin.
He dropped his hand quickly and turned away, ignoring the scent of the jumper that filled his nose, unable to discern what was James and what was Sirius, only knowing that he found comfort in it either way, finding it felt like home.