vehement refusal
His plans to stay in the room all day and wallow had been thwarted that evening when Pandora came back with a pair of angry hens behind her.
“All we ask is a letter, a simple note, to say you’re not dead,” Barty practically screeched.
“We had to find out from fucking Mulciber over dinner about what had happened to you yesterday ,” Evan continued angrily.
“Stop it,” Pandora chastised, climbing in to the bed beside him, pulling back the covers and cocooning herself in the soft material.
“No, it’s unacceptable,” Barty frowned, turning away and dropping on top of Pandora’s trunk, folding his lanky body atop it with ease.
Regulus’ heart squeezed because he could see the tension lines in Barty’s features that were so often set into one of lazy amusement that when they took on any other, it was disconcerting. His voice was tight and he knew Barty wasn’t mad at him at all, but rather scared for him.
Evan vocalised those concerns when he picked up, “We were so worried and when we went to the Infirmary, you weren’t there. If Pandora hadn’t come to find us…”
“Dorcas almost went up to Dumbledore herself,” Barty huffed.
“I’m sorry,” Regulus replied honestly, looking at the pair of them, hoping to convey his earnestness.
“I’m just happy you’re here, Pandora told us about what happened, about the common room…we understand,” Evan softened, sitting down in a small blue chair set off from the main circle of beds.
“Have you told anyone what happened?” Evan asked, his kind blue eyes twinkling in the setting light that blanketed the room.
“Course not,” Regulus frowned.
The idea was preposterous. Even despite the fact that he almost died, telling on his classmates was more suicide than their plan even was. He’d never live it down and would likely face retaliation from not only his classmates but from his parents as well who would certainly call him out on his cowardice in a poisonous letter.
There was a moment of fraught silence and then,
“Yaxley told Slughorn who told McGonagall who wants to talk to you before curfew,” Barty finally spoke, and the others looked at him as if he wasn’t meant to say that.
“What do you mean?” Regulus turned his head to look at his friend who was chewing anxiously on the corner of his lip.
“Yaxley overheard what they did and he’s currently failing Potions so he told Slughorn in hopes that he’d gain some favour and get an extension on the paper that was due two days ago,” he sighed.
“And you lot were planning to tell me when?” He turned back to Evan and Pandora.
“We knew you’d be upset” Pandora said kindly and she went to put a hand on his knee but he shuffled away before she could.
“Cheers,” he mumbled before getting up and readying to leave.
“We brought you this,” Barty said, scrambling up and pulling a small box out of his pocket.
He tapped it with his wand and dropped it so that Regulus’ full trunk appeared on the floor right next to Pandora’s.
He paused, knowing his anger at his friends was displaced anyways, “Thank you.”
Spelling it open and grabbing a spare pair or robes, he went to the connecting restroom to change and it was only when he looked in the mirror that he realised just how bad he looked.
His skin looked grey and pallid and he had deep blue circles under his eyes making them look bruised. He still had the slight cut on his cheek from when Mulciber first blasted the door open and his hair looked crunchy from the water and lack of aftercare. Even despite the visual, he still felt dirty, like his skin had a layer of grime coating it.
After jumping into the shower and washing himself off with Pandora’s flowery soaps, he changed into thick robes once more before bidding his friends goodbye and making his way to the Great Hall where McGonagall likely was.
He didn’t know what she wanted to say to him. She would probably blame Slytherin house as a whole and maybe make it somehow his fault for duelling a fellow classmate and sentence both him and Mulciber and his crew to detentions for a few weeks.
He didn’t have any misconceptions that the adults in this school cared for him.
The halls were a bit loud with students filtering out of the Hall planning to go up to their common rooms to chat away and wind down from the day.
What would it be like for him for his biggest worry to be about what might be on Slughorn’s test? Who he would go to Hogsmeade with? What one student gossiped about another?
He wouldn’t say he wallowed about it, he knew full well what his future would look like from the moment he knew it wouldn’t be ordinary but it shocked him every time he remembered that what he did at school didn’t necessarily matter- it was all just a formality before he entered the real world to fully seat himself in his role as “heir.”
The chatter still emanating from the Great Hall could be heard from down the corridor and with each step he took, he steeled himself. He held his chin high, straightened his back so each vertebrae was stacked directly atop the other, and walked from heel to toe, on and on until he stood at the threshold.
He paused for the briefest moment to eye the Slytherin table. Mulciber and his cronies were nowhere to be found and he allowed himself a quick breath.
Apparently of their own volition, his eyes flitted briefly to Gryffindor table, immediately drawn to Sirius and his cronies. Sirius had his arm slung around Remus’ shoulders while he talked animatedly to a girl named Mary who laughed at whatever he was saying loudly. James was sitting across from her talking in low tones to Peter, who just nodded fervently at whatever he was saying.
Regulus didn’t know why he expected James to be sitting at the table as miserable as he was, still sopping wet from his morning swim, and perhaps a bit traumatised like him but he just sat with ease, absentmindedly taking bites of his dinner.
He pushed past other students to the front until he was facing Slughorn and McGonagall, the only two professors at attention today, besides Binns who was hovering over the Hufflepuff table.
McGonagall waved her wand once and he felt a tingle of magic set over and around him and he realised she must have set a silencing charm and he didn’t know whether that eased him or not.
“Mr. Black,” Slughorn greeted, shoving the last two bites of his food in before continuing, “Mr. Yaxley told me what happened and before you can try to deny what happened, his story was then confirmed by a very worried Madam Pomfrey.”
Okay.
He stayed quiet.
“Why didn’t you come to one of us? This is a very serious matter. As you might have noticed, Mulciber, Snape, and Avery are not with us tonight as they have each been sent home for an extended suspension,” Slughorn finalised.
Regulus couldn’t help but smile a little despite his best efforts to thwart it. It was more than he could have hoped and he felt a flicker of satisfaction flush through him as this interaction was going better than he had expected.
“Furthermore, he also reported that you were not seen in the Slytherin dorms last night,” McGonagall added tersely.
Regulus ought to glue Yaxley’s lips closed. He was willing to break the taught silence he and Sirius held just to find out what spell he used to glue his posters up at home that thwarted all of Walburga’s spells to remove them.
No one has really gotten in trouble for not staying in their dorms as that isn’t usually a common occurrence, especially for Slytherins who usually have immense loyalty to their own house and dorms. He didn’t know how strong the punishment would be for just one day away though he knew he wouldn’t be going back anytime soon.
“No I was not,” he answered when he knew they wouldn’t be continuing without some sort of response from him.
“I wonder if it may have something to do with the Lake?” she asked. Her expression seemed tense but her face always seemed set into one of distaste but her eyes were kind and open behind her thin wire-framed glasses.
The mere mention of it caused him to cringe slightly and while he tried to suppress it, it still must have shown up on his face because both Professors then turned to each other and nodded once.
McGonagall was about to speak but shifted her eyes to somewhere behind Regulus and spoke in a much louder voice, “Mr. Potter, a minute?” She must have wordlessly dropped the charm and when he looked around, the Hall was practically empty save for a few stragglers who wouldn’t have been able to overhear their conversation anyways.
He felt his heart start to beat a bit quicker, what did Potter have to do with any of this?
After a few bounding steps, Potter showed up next to Regulus, breathing heavily as if always on the verge of finishing a marathon and while Regulus could feel his eyes land on him, he didn’t dare return the look.
“Mr. Potter, you take a swim in the Lake every morning, is that correct?” she inquired pointedly.
The boy seemed shocked, as if he was being very secretive about it but even Regulus thought that was a bit presumptuous of him considering the one time he looked out of the window, he saw him, floating openly on the water without a care in the world.
He spluttered but McGonagall continued, “You are not in trouble, it’s just a question.”
“Yes I do,” he answered.
“I wanted to ask if it was possible for you to teach Mr. Black here how to swim,” she finished, steepling her fingers in front of her with a small smile.
Regulus thought he would pass out and quite frankly he almost did as all the blood in his veins slowed to a stop and his head was full of static noise.
“I- er- yeah sure,” he answered, sounding a bit unsure.
Regulus couldn’t even get any words out as images of Potter swimming mingled with his own memories of drowning. At the fear the clawed at his insides and continued to leach on him. He couldn’t even stand the sight of the lake and now he was expected to jump right in with his brother’s friend, a man he knew nothing about and quite frankly, never wanted to.
All three pairs of eyes landed on him, “No. I don’t want lessons. I refuse.”
Slughorn picked up again, speaking boisterously, “Oh boy, think of the positives. Swimming is quite good exercise, a thin boy like you could use some muscle like Mr. Potter here.”
Regulus just eyed Slughorn’s protruding stomach for a moment.
“I mean if he doesn’t want to then…”
“Now Mr. Black, I do believe these lessons will do you some good and I will be checking in periodically. Mr. Potter, I hope you can conduct these lessons with the maturity and grace that is expected of you. I believe these lessons will help you both,” she concluded, leaving no further room for argument.
Regulus genuinely wanted to cry.
While he never would in front of all of them, he felt tears of betrayal burning behind his eyes and he clenched his fists at the thought of being cornered into this, forced to succumb to their every whim.
The two professors left and the Hall was now silent with them being the only two students left but he stayed rooted to the spot, physically unable to move.
“Regulus I-” James began.
That shocked him out of his stupor and Regulus turned sharply to him, raising one finger, “Don’t call me that. We aren’t doing these stupid lessons and don’t come near me again.”
With that, he stalked out of the hall, never once faltering or turning back and Potter did not stop him.
_____
He spent the night switching between sleeping and wrestling Pandora for the blanket, eventually just duplicating it while she slept so they both could rest easily.
While the situation wasn’t ideal, Pandora constantly reassured him that neither she nor the other girls in the room minded his presence, especially because he made sure to stay within the curtains of the bed while they got ready, not wanting them to feel uncomfortable or have to change whatever routine they normally had because of him.
He had Potions first and he didn’t mind being late especially after Slughorn’s antics last night.
Once everyone else had gone and he got ready, he only had enough time to stop by the Kitchens and hurriedly eat a small muffin a kind elf had brought to him.
He strolled into Potions once Slughorn had just concluded his introductory lecture but the chalkboard indicated they were working on Felix Felicis today. He looked up and dipped his head in greeting but Regulus ignored it and went to his seat that was now empty.
He took Potions with the other sixth years after Slughorn had promoted him saying that it would be a ‘disservice to keep him with his fellow classmates in fifth year.’
He usually worked alone as his addition to the class caused there to be an odd number and he didn’t mind, he preferred solitude this way.
When he stepped into the cupboard to gather the ingredients, he felt a presence enter behind him and turned just slightly to see James’ overbearing form in his peripheral vision. He turned back, scanning the shelves for what he needed, not wanting to look at James but knowing he’d probably have to anyways.
“McGonagall spoke to me again today at breakfast about the lessons and asked if we had planned our first one yet,” he said in a low voice.
He turned to look at him and had to tip his head up just slightly to make eye contact. His hair was mussed, as if he had run his hand through it at least a hundred times since this morning. His eyes were bright behind his glasses but his brows were furrowed and that cast a deep shadow on them in the low light of the small closet they were in.
He was far too close to Regulus and he felt like the air was getting used up entirely by him.
“What did you tell her,” Regulus asked tightly, turning back to grab an Ashwinder egg from the carton.
He hesitated then spoke in a lilting tone, “The truth? That we hadn’t made one.”
He couldn’t refrain from rolling his eyes, “I understand your Gryffindor morals may be strong but next time feel free to just lie and tell her we have. You can repent to Godric on your own time.”
“Why are you so against them?” he asked and when Regulus turned sharp eyes onto him, he couldn’t help but think James was being genuine.
“That’s a stupid question,” he bit back.
“I wouldn’t have to ask if you just told me,” he responded, seemingly getting annoyed now and it excited Regulus. He had been coddled endlessly by his friends but the anger and betrayal still burnt under his skin itching for an outlet.
“I can’t swim and I don’t want to fucking learn, that’s all.”
“So what, you’re just going to keep showing up in the hospital wing after drowning? If you just learned, it wouldn’t be so hard, Sirius knows-”
The confirmation that Sirius knew how to swim was so irrelevant, just an offhand comment made by James whose brain was practically rewired to reference everything back to his friend, but it infuriated Regulus to no end.
“I don’t give a fuck what Sirius knows. I’m not doing it,” he grit through clenched teeth.
“What happens the next time your little friends push you in the lake? What if you don’t make it out then huh?” Jame pushed, taking a step closer. He didn’t know how he knew but he supposed McGonagall took the chance to inform him when he wasn’t there.
“Why do you care so much?”
“It confuses me why you don’t seem to care enough about your own life?”
The comment grew like a poisonous vine, puncturing Regulus’ well-constructed armour and winding up around his neck, cutting off his air supply and he didn’t quite know why. He felt his fingertips burn with the promise of magic as it pulsed from his core to his extremities.
Something about it coupled with the way James’ anger was palpable struck him and he quickly pushed past James, summoning his ingredients on his way out so they’d simply trail after him to his desk. The scene may be a bit dramatic to anyone watching him with eggs and herbs following him like loyal squires but he couldn’t be bothered.
Eventually, his mind blissfully cleared as he worked through the mechanics of brewing this particular potion. Each stir and pop of the potion helped soothe him but when he got to the final step- finely dicing the thyme, he was reminded of the incident, again.
He couldn’t hold the knife still enough over the plant, his hand still trembling vigorously and he was at risk of chopping his own finger off at this rate.
When he looked up at Slughorn to check if he was looking, he spotted James watching him over his glasses, frowning slightly. His potion was currently about to boil over the pot and his partner, Peter, was quickly turning the pages in his textbook but he wasn’t even paying attention.
Ignoring him and using his wand, he charmed the thin knife to dice the ingredient and he hovered his hand over the tool to make it seem like he was the one in control.
Finally, the potion was done brewing and Slughorn had commended him on his excellent brewing, even allowing him to bottle it up and keep it for a “rainy day.”
He had done so despite knowing no amount of liquid luck would turn his life around and carried on about his day as usual.
______
The day passed uneventfully and he spent his free period in the Library instead of the Common Room where he would usually go.
As he pulled out his materials, aiming to work on his Charms homework, a small square piece of parchment fell out of his bag as well and he picked it up curiously, unfolding it carefully to reveal looping handwriting that slanted slightly across the square.
Black Lake, 10PM. Bring your Potion if it’ll make you feel better.
J.P.
He reread it once more before crumpling it between his hands angrily.
Not only was the note infuriating but the condescending jab along with it worked as he clenched his teeth, mulling over it.
He vowed not to go.
______
He trudged down the stairs of Ravenclaw tower at 9:45PM.
He was only going to remind Potter that he remained steadfast in his beliefs that he would not do this and hopefully this time, it would absorb through his thick skull and he’d leave well enough alone.
Cool breeze broke through the air, pushing Regulus’ hair away from his face and kissing his warm skin and the walk down to the lake this time, with his awareness and wits about him, was terrifying and he hadn’t really realised how deep the fear had burrowed within him until now.
James was silhouetted against the lake, the moonlight reflecting off the water and onto him and he could just make him out on the edge of the lake in an obscene outfit. He was wearing dark coloured shorts that reached just above his knees and a half sleeve top and when Regulus had only ever seen the other boy in school robes, it was like he was naked in front of him now.
“What are you wearing?” James asked, cocking his head slightly.
“I’m only here to tell you to leave me alone. Don’t waste your saviour complex on me, I’m sure you can find someone else to help,” he ground out with a tone of finality.
James just sighed, rolling his eyes and shaking his head as if Regulus was the one being a nuisance.
“Why can’t you just accept help without being such a dick about it?”
“Because I don’t need help ,” he raised his voice now.
“Clearly you do.” James said knowingly. He stared at him for a few more seconds, assessing before, “Look at the Lake.”
He felt himself falter, “What?”
“Go on, look at it,” James repeated, his eyes blazing under the sliver of moonlight offered by the thin crescent above them.
He hadn’t even realised that he was subconsciously avoiding looking at the Lake, as in really looking at it.
He registered its presence, heard the soft water lapping at the shore but he feared what he would find if he truly looked into its’ inky depths, what might draw him in if he gazed at it for a moment too long.
“You can’t do it can you?” James’ voice was barely above a whisper, so soft that just as they were spoken, they were swept away by the breeze that brushed past them.
“I don’t want to,” he finally spoke.
“Your hand is trembling,” James intoned and Regulus didn’t know how he meant to say it, was it just a mere observation or was it a question?
“It does that when I’m annoyed,” he answered, unable to remain civil for a prolonged amount of time.
“You’re not a good liar,” James replied swiftly before sitting down, right on the cool grass, just on the boundary where fauna gave way to gritty sand.
Regulus looked down at him, at his dark hair curling wildly around his head and he slowly followed James’ eyeline, slowly inched his gaze across the sand before he saw the black waves climb up the harbour in a soft push before pulling back out once more. He tore his gaze away before he could watch for much longer.
“How did you get out?” James asked finally, regaining his shifty attention.
His voice was so quiet now Regulus was forced to sit next to him just to hear but he kept a healthy distance between them.
He wasn’t quite so sure why he was even still out here but it felt like he would be admitting some sort of defeat or cowardice if he left now, a confirmation of his fear now that Potter had brought it up. He demanded to leave on what looked like his own terms.
“The squid, I think.”
He heard a huff of laughter and turned to see James put a hand up to his mouth with his shoulders shaking lightly, he looked at Regulus and his eyes were sparkling, “I’m not laughing at you, really. It’s just that the squid hates me, and would probably drown me if it got its way.”
He couldn’t help his curiosity, “And why’s that?”
“We planned a prank one time where we dumped all the Slytherins trunks in the Lake, I think we dropped a couple on its’ head and it clearly still holds a grudge,” he offered lightly. “I’m sure he would appreciate a ‘thank you’ for his help though,” James intoned.
“How do you know it’s a he?” Regulus sniped.
“I’m sure they would appreciate a ‘thank you,’” he corrected without comment.
As Regulus thought about what to do, he found his gaze going back to the reservoir in front of him. The surface was still except for a few ripplings under the surface and it was entirely opaque, as if a black sheet had been thrown over the true water and he couldn’t bring himself to remember what the surface looked like during the day.
Yesterday, he only had a few moments before he was under the surface of the water, so deep that even the light couldn’t reach him.
Suddenly, he heard a spark to his side and saw that James had pulled out his wand and he sent a jet of blue light jumping across the lake, making light tapping noises before it fizzled out halfway through.
He sent a few more before a tentacle popped out of the water and flicked what it must have thought was a drop of water but was realistically more like a few litres at them and James’ entire front was soaked.
A few drops landed on Regulus’s robes and he inhaled tightly but he could barely focus on it as he was more preoccupied by James’ absurdity.
He did it a few more times and the squid, probably very peeved now, resurfaced to bat an eye at him once before focusing on Regulus.
All he could do was wave before it disappeared again and it was so ludicrous that he felt a small laugh bubble within him. He had never given the squid a second thought before today and now he was waving at it like a friend he saw in passing in the corridors after class.
James was looking at him strangely now and it made an uncomfortable feeling twist in his gut as if he hadn't expected that Regulus possessed the capacity to laugh.
“Can you just try? That is all I ask,” James pushed.
He should leave, walk as far away from the wiles of James Potter as possible, resist whatever spell is causing him to hesitate.
Despite the vehement refusal that pulsed through every cell and tissue in his body, he found his mouth moving first.
“Okay.”