“Okay, okay. One more picture then out you go, Merlin knows you guys deserve the break.” Sirius said.
James and Lily just rolled their eyes kind-heartedly and set baby Harry to stand on his own two feet, while they crouched down.
Sirius started making noises and calling Harry’s name to get him to look at the camera in Remus’ hands who had crouched down in front of him. James started gesturing to the camera and Lily was lightly tickling her baby’s tummy to get him to smile.
It was Halloween and in a coordinated costume that Sirius had no doubt was James’ idea, the three were dressed as members of the Scooby Doo gang, with James and Lily as Fred and Daphne, and Harry as Scooby, with the whiskers and black nose. It was disgustingly cute.
Once the photo was snapped and Lily passed off Harry to Remus, Sirius walked the two to the door. “And remember to call us through the mirror for anything,” James was speaking, “I mean it, even if it's because you can’t find a pacifier. Call us.”
Sirius nodded, “Of course, I promise,” Looking at the concerned parents in front of him Sirius sighed, “Hey, everythings alright. Harry is in good hands, we’ve babysat him before, remember?”
Remus joined in, “You guys need a break from cooped up in this house for so long, go, have fun, and I don’t want you back for at least another five hours.”
Lily gave him a deadpan look, “I’m not leaving my baby for five hours.”
James cut in, “Maybe for just four?” It seemed that James struggled with being cooped up just a tad more than Lily. Or maybe he just wanted to kiss his wife without the surprisingly judgmental eyes from baby Harry that James knew was Sirius doing.
Lily sighed, “Okay, okay, I’m just nervous, it’s the first time we’ll be away from Harry for so long.”
She shook her head as she continued, “But alright, come one James. If I stay for another minute I won’t leave.”
James hurried Lily to the door as he grabbed their coats, both couples glancing back to see Remus waving at them with Harry’s hand in his, “Say ‘Bye Daddy! Bye Mommy!”
James softly pushed Lily through the door hurriedly as she looked ready to snatch Harry from Remus and never leave. “Bye mates! Thank you so much again.”
“Anytime!” Sirius yelled back at the closed door. Looking at Remus with an exasperated look on his face, he glanced down at baby Harry and started reaching for him.
“Well don’t you look just adorable dressed up in your big boy costume!” He cooed as he took Harry from Remus.
“Remus, grab that camera and start taking pictures.” He demanded.
At Remus’ answering chuckle he cheekily turned towards the camera with Harry’s cheek squished against his own. After their own impromptu twenty minute photo shoot with their godson, they quickly got comfortable in the living room, setting the baby in front of them, scattering Harry’s toys around the carpet and switching on a cartoon from the TV Lily insisted they have.
“You know I missed this.” Sirius spoke softly, leaning his head on Remus’ hand, which had made itself home on his shoulder.
“I know what you mean.” Remus spoke back just as softly, rubbing his thumb against Sirius’ cheek.
“I don’t ever wanna go through that again.” Sirius said, “Next time we get into a fight like that, no one is allowed to storm off.”
“We might just kill each other then,” Remus spoke, lips quirking into a grin, trying to make a joke but Sirius wasn’t having it.
“I almost lost you, Moony,” Sirius said, “In more ways than one.”
It was true, the last full moon had been extremely rough. Tensions had been high between the two, as they always seemed to be these days. They had started fighting about something small, a couple days before the full, and that had quickly escalated to a screaming match and thrown dishes, Remus strung out with the moon and the war, and Sirius, strung out with the war and the hopelessness as he was realizing what the war was truly doing to him. How he was becoming so paranoid, he didn’t even seem to trust his own shadow, nevermind Remus.
Remus had stormed out, and Sirius in his fit of rage that could last days now, didn’t even bother to find him. He had thought about searching for him when the full came around but he was still so upset he spent the night drunk out of his mind. Something he would come to regret. It would take him three days after the full to start searching for Remus. He found him after a good 10 hour search, infected with fever from the cuts and slashes the wolf had given him, barely even alive.
For a second Sirius thought he wasn’t and his life flashed before his eyes. In the moment, as ridiculous as it sounds, between fixing him up to apparate to a safe house for a healer, and actually waiting for him to wake him, the only thought in his mind was that he wasn’t sure if Remus knew he was in love with him.
Because he did love him, no matter what he would always love Remus, and he knew Remus knew that, just the way Sirius knew. But did he know that Sirius was in love with him? That he never stopped, not once? Did he know that Sirius couldn’t live without him? The thought haunted him, how before this he knew Remus would never doubt it, but now he wasn’t so sure. When Remus came to, the first Sirius did in his dramatic fashion was throw himself over Remus’ body and declare his love, and promised that Remus wouldn’t ever have to doubt it again.
They sat down, when Remus was well enough to finally come home, and had the first real conversation they had in a while. They spoke about everything, all their fears, their doubts, their worries. It caused a lot of pain, tears, and raised voices. But at the end, when the emotional toll of everything said came crashing down, they laid down in the same bed for the first time in months, falling asleep in each other's arms. That was a couple weeks ago, and while everything wasn’t magically better, things were improving, and now, it felt somewhat like their love had been in the beginning only better in a way. No more childish love they had, but secure, and strong.
Which was strange to think about because they were barely 21.
“Hey,” Remus made sure Sirius was looking at him to continue, “Never again.”
He had a determined look in his eyes that made Sirius’ heart swell, “Ever.”
Remus smiled at Sirius, with that special soft smile he had been giving him a lot since they talked, and leaned in to give him a chaste kiss. When Sirius tried to deepen it, chasing after his lips, Remus chuckled.
“Mmm nope, not with a baby present.” He jerked his head to clueless Harry, who had grabbed the couch next to them to stand. He looked at them with a smile on his face and started clapping his hands.
“Harry, look away, I’m about to do something indecent.” Sirius shouted, Harry giggled as a result and Reus pushed Sirius away by the head as he laughed too.
“Harry! Help me! Come on baby, we need to run!” Remus shouted as he grabbed Harry and started running around the room with him.
“I’m gonna get you!” Sirius gave chase, slowly going after Remus and Harry around the couch.
Baby Harry was having the time of his life, giggling and clapping and squealing. Trying to communicate in his own little babbles and gurgles. They spent the next hour and a half keeping Hary entertained. They spent their night together young and in love and happy, which was considered a rarity these days. Capturing snapshots of their night with the camera. Harry eventually got sleepy, the excitement too much for him, and Sirius stayed downstairs, looking through the Potter-Evans fridge for something to eat, while Remus put Harry in his crib.
Hearing footsteps coming downstairs, he started speaking, “So we have sandwiches with a side of baby food, or some smashed up bananas I believe because neither one of us knows how to cook and all they seem to have is shit that needs to be cooked to be edible.” He sardonically said as he turned to face Remus.
Remus was leaning against the entrance of the kitchen as he seemed to contemplate Sirius’ words, “I think I'm gonna have to go for the sandwiches with a side of air.”
Sirius nodded wisely, “Grand choice my good sir.”
“Why thank you kind gentlemen.” At Sirius answering bow, Remus followed suit.
“You want some wine?” Sirius asked.
“Depends, do they have good wine?” Remus went to check where Lily’s stash of wine was and started reading the labels.
‘“Oh, she got some fancy ones.” He took out a bottle of red and showed Sirius who nodded in agreement.
“Wow, sandwiches and wine, I think this is the fanciest date we’ve had in a while.” Sirius commented, gathering the food.
“You know me, nothing but the best for you.” Sirius snorted, but didn’t give a reply, as he felt Remus walk up to him.
“Make me mine?” He spoke as he wrapped his arms around Sirius from behind.
“What will I get in return?” Sirius asked cheekily as he placed two plates on the counter.
“Hmmm,” Remus seemed to think about his answer, “My love,” He spoke, placing a slow, gentle kiss on Sirius' neck, “My life,” he spoke, placing another one, “My utter devotion.”
“Jesus, Moony,” Sirius breathed, movements slowed, “All over a sandwich?”
“Well what can I say,” He breathed as he rearranged Sirius in his arms, so he was facing Remus now, “I’m a simple man.”
Sirius reached up on his toes to reach Moony to kiss him properly. It wasn’t as chaste and innocent as the one in the living room, but still, with the remainder of the baby in the house, they didn’t seem eager to take it anywhere else.
Speaking of said baby, he started whining through his baby monitor about a couple minutes into their makeout, making them both groan as they pulled away.
“I now know how James feels.” Sirius spoke solemnly, as he stared at Remus’ red and kissed swollen lips.
Remus snorted as he pulled away even further, “Yeah, one interrupted kiss compared to however many things Harry interrupted.”
Sirius narrowed his eyes, ‘Don’t mock my pain.” Remus rolled his eyes as he placed a final, last kiss on Sirius’ lips and turned towards the stairs.
“Get started on the sandwiches please.” He shouted as he ran to calm Harry.
Sirius rolled his eyes in response before turning back to the task at hand. He was just reaching back to the fridge for the cheese before he stopped.
Now, being from one of the oldest pureblood families came with many consequences, yes. But they also had some advantages. They way Sirius felt magic was different than most, his magic was different. Black magic was just as defensive as it was offensive. With the war, that defense had just become stronger, his instincts allowing him to dodge spells he could feel coming, to throwing up protective magic around him without even a second thought.
Sirius had come to trust it, to embrace it, and it has never failed him. So when he felt a sudden chill go through his body, felt a certain stillness in the air, felt his instincts tell him that something was very, very wrong, Sirius listened.
He shot back up, hurridley shouting Remus’ name as he raced into the living room, searching for the compact mirror he always had by his side. He couldn’t find it. Where was it? Where did he leave it?
“Sirius,” Remus shouted, running downstairs with Harry in his arms, “What's happened? What is it?”
“Somethings wrong.” He stated as he tore apart the living room, “I can feel something wrong and I can’t find my mirror. Where is it?” He shouted the last part, as he turned to Remus.
Baby Harry started crying again, and Remus rubbed his back as he spoke, fear evident on his face, “In your jacket, by the door, you never took it out.”
Sirius rushed past them, placing a hand on top of Remus’ on Harry’s back as he reached for his jacket.
“Sirius, talk to me.” Remus demanded, following him to the door. “What’s going on, what do you feel?”
“Somethings wrong,” He spoke again as he reached into the many pockets for the mirror, getting more and more frustrated as his pockets ended up empty. “I’ve never felt it this bad before, something is dangerously wrong and I don’t know if it's Prongs and Lily or-” He cut himself off.
“Or?” Remus demanded, bouncing a wailing Harry in his arms, who as if feeling the panic from the two adults, started crying harder.
But Sirius couldn’t answer, because in the small window of the door, he could see a figure.
It didn’t take a genius to figure out who it was.
Sirius’ had grasped something hard, and he glanced down at the compact mirror in his hands before looking at Remus and Harry. It was strange, everything felt numb, his hearing turned to ringing, and he helplessly glanced at the two greatest loves of his life and tried to process that he was gonna die tonight.
Because it was Voldermort walking to the door, and because the house was under the fidelius charm, that meant the floo didn’t work, and they couldn't apparate out, so that meant someone had to face him, so the other could get a chance to run.
Someone had to stay behind.
Remus glanced out the door, seeing the pure fear on Sirius' face, and gasped.
The gasp, coupled with the fact that he could feel the wards shake, sprung Sirius into action. Desperately he started pushing Remus and Harry back from the door.
“Go, go. You need to take Harry and you need to run.” Sirius could barely recognize his own voice, never heard it so panicked, so defeated, yet hopeful at the same time.
“No, come with us. Sirius, I'm not leaving you here!” Remus’ voice rose as he grasped at Sirius’ hands on his arm, one arm still holding a wailing Harry, who had hidden his face in Remus’ chest. “Sirius, please don’t do this to me. Please. Please.” He begged.
Sirius stopped pushing him back as he reached the staircase, reaching out to grasp Remus by his face, “Look at me.” He spoke, “You need to go, and you have to make sure Harry survives okay.” He started nodding when Remus started shaking his head, desperately saying ‘No.’
“Yes, yes. Remus,” He stilled his head, “Someone needs to hold him back if you want a chance of escaping, and you don’t have your wand. Think of Harry. You can apparate without a wand. I know you can.”
He didn't have his wand, an oversight, Sirius was belatedly realizing. It had been broken just last week, during a battle, and they had been slow in replacing it. Sirius could see the sad understanding in Remus’ eyes as he glanced at the baby clutched in his arms then back at Sirius.
“I don’t know if I can leave you.” He whispered, tears in his eyes.
Sirius smiled back softly, “You have to.” That was all they got before they felt the wards shatter around them. Voldemort would be at the door in mere seconds.
Sirius leaned forward and placed a desperate kiss on Remus’ lips, tasting the saltiness of tears that Sirius realized were his.
“I love you.” He whispered, “So much, please don’t ever forget that.” He placed a quick, hard kiss on Baby Harry’s head, saying a silent prayer to whoever to please keep them safe.
“I promise. I love you.” Remus spoke through his tears. Sirius had enough time to watch Remus race back up the stairs, before he turned, facing the door.
He wiped his tears, holding the mirror tightly in his hand, he watched the door burst open. “I love you, James.”
**********
James thought he knew panic. He thought he knew what it was to feel lost. But this feeling he had, he knew everything he felt before, and everything he would get to feel, would forever pale in comparison to this moment.
He and Lily paused on the street, standing in front of their house, seeing the damage. Before moving as one towards the door, James ran with all his might, his mind flashing between Harry, Sirius, Remus, Harry. Throwing himself through the door, he felt Lily’s body collide with his as he stopped in the middle of the entrance.
“Oh my god,” Lily cried as she took in the scene in front of her.
“Oh, no. No no no no.” He muttered as he stared at the frozen body of his brother. “No, no, no.” He moaned as he dropped to his knees, crawling towards Sirius’ body. He hand ghosted over his body, not knowing what to touch, if he should touch.
The tears pouring out of his eyes blocked his already messed up vision, but he didn’t bother wiping them away. “Sirius,” He gasped, hands still not touching, still not believing. “Sirius, please.”
Lily. Lily was a healer, she could do something, she could help.
“Lily,” He spoke through his gasps of breath, “Lily, please, do something please.”
“James,” She responded, sounding devastated to be doing so, “He’s dead.”
“No,” He gasped, finally taking a hold onto Sirius, “No, please, don’t tell me that.”
“James,” Lily spoke through her sobs, “Harry.”
Harry. The one name that could get him to leave Sirius’ side at this moment. Lily had already started wobbly climbing the stairs, the urgency to get to her child made her steps come out sturdier with each one.
James felt like he was walking through water, stumbling up the steps, felt like he was drowning with the way he couldn’t catch his breath. He could see in the corner of his eyes the remnant of the night- the toys still scattered around the living room floor, the plates and food left on the counter.
Oh god, Sirius. What had happened? How could this have happened?
James was about halfway up the stairs, when he heard Lily’s scream. It was a sound James hopes he never has to hear again. Fearing what he would see when he reached the room, James ran.
Please not Harry, not my little boy.
Entering the room, James couldn’t understand what he was seeing at first, too dazed with the shock of seeing his brother's dead body, before it came into focus, one by one.
He could see the damage done when the door was blasted off its hinges. He could see Harry in his crib, crying out for his parents, a bad cut on his forehead. He could see Lily bent over something on the floor, crying her heart out, hands clutched desperately on something that looked like a body.
He could see the long legs pushed out on the floor. He could see the scarred hand, reaching towards Harry’s crib, like he might have been holding on to the railing, before something made him let go.
It was Remus. Moony.
The relief of knowing his child was alive, clashed with devastating grief of knowing another one of his best friends was dead.
He collapsed in the door frame, breaking down into heart wrenching sobs that seemed to be drawn from the very pit of stomach. He didn’t understand. How could this have happened? Everything was fine, he had seen them not even three hours ago and they were fine. They were alive.
Oh god. Did he say he loved them? What were the last words he said to them? Was it a joke? A friendly insult? Please don’t let it be an insult, James couldn’t bare it if it was. He doesn’t know how long he sat there, crying so hard, he started hyperventilating. He could see the dark spots entering his vision, but he was unable to breath in air, how can he?
How can he breathe when the two of the most important people in his life aren't? How can he even live in a world that doesn’t contain Sirius? That doesn’t contain Remus?
He felt something touch his shoulder, and he jumped, glancing up to see Lily standing there. She had tears pouring down her cheeks, hands clutching Harry's life line. At the sight of Harry, he started cryineven harder if that was possible. Because he could have died, and he was relieved he wasn’t, but he felt the guilt naw at the back of his mind.
How can he be relieved when Sirius and Remus are dead? How can he feel so devastated if his son is alive and breathing?
His grief was so demanding that he didn’t realize Lily had done the impossible and got up, taking Harry from his crib to remind herself her child was still alive. Her grief very quickly turned to anger, giving her the strength to not break down.
“Breathe, James,” Lily gained his attention, sinking down on her knees in front of him, tears still streaming down her face, “Breathe.”
“I can’t,” He gasped, each word spoken between a gasp of air,” I..can’t..Lily.. they..” He glanced helplessly at the body in the room and felt another wave of grief hit, “What..happened?”
“I don’t know,” She spoke, her voice wavering, “I don’t know but you need to breathe before you pass out. Here, take Harry.” She moved the baby around in her arms, Harry seemed to have calmed down a little, but didn’t seem too eager to leave his mothers arms.
When he saw it was his dad he was going to, Harry reached out with his little arms, hands grabbing at James’ shirt. James reached out and clutched Harry to his chest, feeling Harry squeeze him as strong as he was able too. Oh his baby, his boy. He almost lost him.
“Oh my baby,” He gasped, hand clutched behind his head, keeping him as close as possible, “My baby, you’re ok. You’re ok.” he whispered to himself. Repeating the last two words like a mantra.
It did help some, having his boy so close, he could feel his breathing started to regulate. But then he could feel himself getting lightheaded, the change of emotion from grief to relief, then back to grief proving to be too much.
“Lily,” He slurred, “Take him.”
Lily quickly grabbed the baby from his arms and started calling out his name. James couldn’t help but welcome the feeling of passing out. Anything that could do the impossible, and make him forget about the devastating fact that his brother and best friend were dead, that they were gone, and they were never coming back.