The first thing James thinks when he processes the word ‘no’ is what am I going to do with the ring?
It’s a stupid thought, really, because money isn’t something he has to worry about, but when he asked if he could get it engraved, he was warned about the no refund policy. He had chuckled at the employee, saying that wasn’t something he was afraid of. Apparently, it’s something he should have been afraid of.
He tries to think of something coherent to say, but one simple word has frozen him in place. All he can do is stare up at Regulus and watch as his face remains expressionless. It doesn’t feel real.
“James, get up.”
Something as simple as the difference in the way he says his name now from how he was saying it just minutes ago makes him realize that this is very real. He still can’t move. Some distant part of himself thinks that if he stays very still, he’ll wake up, and this will have just been a crazy nightmare.
“James.”
He sounds colder, and it sobers him to his core. He stands up, and only then does he realize his hands are shaking. He doesn’t know what to say. He didn’t see this coming, not in a million years. He had been so sure.
“Why?”
James tries to discern the look in Regulus’ eyes, and for the first time in years, he can’t. He doesn’t know what Regulus is thinking, and it breaks him. He drops the hand that’s holding the ring.
Regulus opens his mouth to speak and then closes it again. James waits.
“I don’t know.” Regulus looks away, and the hollow feeling in his chest fills with sour rage. He doesn’t know? He answered ‘no’ with so much certainty but he doesn’t know why?
James shakes his head. “I don’t believe that.”
Regulus looks back at him, and the two of them stand still, keeping eye contact but not saying anything. James doesn’t know what he’s supposed to think of this. Does Regulus just not want to get married now, or ever? Does he just want to stay partners? Or is this his dramatic way of breaking up with him?
“You’ll be okay.”
James’ crushed expression turns to one of confusion. “What?”
“You’re going to find the person who can love you just as much as you do, and you’ll be fine. You’ll be okay, James.”
He laughs bitterly, because Regulus is really trying to make himself feel better about telling him no, and it’s funny in a twisted sort of way. He shoves the ring in his pocket and shakes his head. “Are you done?”
For the first time that night, Regulus looks almost sad. He nods, and the barriers that James used to know all too well come up. His face isn’t sad anymore. “Yes.”
“Alright, then.” He turns and starts to walk away.
“Except that…”
James turns around and nods for him to go on, and the small part of him that somehow remains optimistic is desperately hoping he’ll say he’s changed his mind. If Regulus said he’s changed his mind, he’d forget about all of this in a heartbeat.
“James, I don’t think I’ll ever get married.”
If Regulus turning down his proposal killed his heart, that’s what buried it.
He waits for Regulus to go on, to give him some indication as to why he’s doing this, why he believes he’s unfit for marriage, but he says nothing. Regulus seems hellbent on keeping James locked out of his mind.
“I think you’re wrong about that, Reg.”
Regulus shakes his head. “No,”
James presses on. “I think you’re wrong about that. I think you’ll find someone, and you’ll love them, and you’ll live and die for them, because that’s the way you love.” He’s still shaking his head, and he looks like he wants to interrupt again, but for the first time in five years, James doesn’t want to hear what Regulus has to say. “And I’ll watch.”
Regulus’ mouth snaps shut, and he doesn’t say anything more. James turns around and walks away, not bothering to look back.
James doesn't go back to the hotel to grab his things. Everything he has there will just remind him of Regulus; he doesn’t need the clothes that smell like him, or the matching suitcases he bought for James. Regulus can figure out what to do with it all. Instead, he walks straight to the train station.
He walks up to the booth to buy a last-minute ticket and pulls out his wallet, prepared to pay however much it costs to take him away from Paris. He opens it, and instead of going to pay, the picture of Regulus he always keeps in it is staring back at him. The picture is old and frayed at the edges from the wear it’s gone through from being in his wallet for years, but he never wanted to replace it.
The employee is trying to talk to James, but all he can do is stare down at the picture. He looks so happy in it. He took the picture on their first anniversary while they were at the Louvre. They were in front of Regulus’ favorite painting, but he was still smiling at James. It’s what made him take the picture. He doesn’t know what happened. He can’t help but wonder, why isn’t he enough?
He takes the photo out and crumples it. Without thinking, he walks over to the nearest trash can and throws the photo. He turns around and walks back to the booth before he can see that the photo didn’t quite make it into the bin. The light breeze sends the photo flying through the air, only to fall and land on the ground. What once was treasured is now stepped on by strangers rushing to get to their trains. Twenty minutes later, a heartbroken boy walks onto a midnight train while the heartbreaker sobs in the middle of the sidewalk.
There’s a piece of James stuck on a Parisian street, and it has always been there, but he feels it’s presence missing the most when he’s sitting in the back pew of a church surrounded by Regulus’ loved ones.
Despite his suit being tailored to fit him perfectly, it’s still too tight in a way that can only be described as suffocating. There are numerous conversations going on around him, most of them about the happy couple minutes away from being wed, and James is stranded, left alone to mourn what could’ve been.
Most of his best friends are standing on the stage with smiles on their faces, and James can’t even blame them. Remus and Lily are standing on Regulus’ side talking quietly, and Lily looks like she might start crying at any moment. He wants to be mad at them, but he can’t be. It’s the best day of Regulus’ life, so they’re ecstatic, naturally. James finds it bitterly ironic that his only two exes are the best woman and the groom. Lily’s wedding wasn’t nearly this hard.
He knows Sirius is waiting somewhere in a back room with Regulus. As much as he wants his best friend with him, he’s Regulus’ brother first. And James gets that, he really does, but the only person who can make him feel better about this is the one person he can’t talk to about it, and it leaves him quite isolated.
Barty’s standing in the middle, and James can tell he’s both immensely happy and scared shitless. He knows because that’s exactly how he’d feel. Evan’s standing next to Barty with a far off look on his face. Pandora and Dorcas are next to him, and they look thrilled.
His parents are even here, sitting in the first row. He knows Regulus still talks to them, especially his dad, and he can’t even be mad about that. When his parents took Sirius in, they made space for Regulus too, and they’re just as much his parents as James’. He should be sitting up there with them, looking happy for Regulus, but he doesn’t think he can handle being that close when the ceremony happens. He doesn’t think Barty would much appreciate that, anyways.
James knows he has no right to be angry. But he has so much anger built up inside of him, all of it directed at Regulus but none of it allowed to come out, so he turns it on himself instead. He knows it wasn’t smart to come here, but some masochistic part of himself wanted to. He wanted to see why Barty was the one for Regulus, to see what makes Barty better than him.
The wedding music starts, everyone stands, and Sirius starts to walk Regulus down the aisle. Sirius has already started to cry and he’s never seen him smile so big. Regulus looks breathtaking, but most importantly, he looks happy. James can’t take his eyes off of him but Regulus didn’t even notice him standing there.
All of a sudden, James feels like he’s going to be sick. He can’t be there. He can’t watch Regulus and Barty share how much they love each other and declare to keep loving each other for the rest of their lifetimes. He can’t watch his best friends looking genuinely happy for them when he feels like he’s about to die. As quietly as he can, he slips out of the room, and luckily for him, everyone is too focused on the couple to realize he’s left the room.
He rushes over to the bathroom and immediately vomits into the trash can. He’s shaking, and he’s not quite sure, but he feels like he’s having some sort of panic attack. He leans back against the cool tiled wall and slides down, rubbing one hand over his face and putting one on the floor to try and ground himself. He finds it quite embarrassing that he’s still this hung up on Regulus after all this time, but he can’t help it. Regulus was the love of his life, and now he’ll be intrinsically tied to another. He puts his head in his hands and tries not to cry, but it doesn’t quite work out that way.
James has found himself heavily plastered. It’s hours after the ceremony, and what once was a peaceful celebration has now turned into one of the craziest receptions this building has ever seen. Sirius only had one opportunity to plan Regulus’ wedding, and she wasn’t going to go half-way.
He’s standing towards the back when Regulus walks up to him, but neither of them say anything. James desperately wishes Regulus had done this earlier in the night because this is not a conversation he wanted to have while drunk.
Regulus clears his throat. “Thank you for coming.”
James isn’t looking him in the eye. “Of course, Reg.” He hasn’t called him that in five years, but he does it just in case it still hurts. He knows it doesn’t on this night of all nights, but the part of him that’s dying inside hopes Regulus is a little bit too.
It’s awkward. He knows it is. But he isn’t going to try to make it not awkward for the sake of Regulus. He’s the one who came up to him; James would’ve been perfectly fine not saying a word to him again.
Regulus tries again. “I didn’t think you’d come.”
He takes a sip of his champagne to keep from laughing bitterly. He cannot fathom why Regulus would think that. He wants to say something cruel. He wants to say ‘I told you I’d watch, didn’t I?’, even if it’s a lie, and he might’ve if he was still twenty three, but he’s not. Instead, he swallows his words and his pride.
He finally makes eye contact and tries to smile, and while he can’t see his own face, he knows he looks bitter. “I wouldn’t miss it.”
He can see it in Regulus’ eyes that he doesn’t know what to say, and a small part of James is glad he still has that effect on him. It would be more painful to have no effect on Regulus at all. He clears his throat and tries to look thankful when he says “thanks again for coming,” but he and James both know that he shouldn’t have been there.
Regulus walks away, and James can’t help but hope that’s the last time he has to speak to him again. It’s too much. There’s too much he wants to say but can’t. If he can’t say it to Regulus, he might as well get it out somehow.
He walks over to the table that has various gifts and mementos out for the couple. There’s a stack of papers and pens spread out, and they’re meant for each guest to write encouraging words for the couple. James grabs a paper and a pen and starts to write.
"I’ve tried to pretend that I’ve moved on over the years, but I can’t because all I ever do is think about you. You know, once I almost called just to ask if you might leave him. I was very drunk and very alone, so it’s a good thing I didn’t, because I know you would’ve said no. Or would you have said yes? Could all of this be different if I had just tried harder? I loved you so fucking much Regulus. Was I too much for you or not enough? I don’t know. But I miss you. And I’m sorry.
I think some part of me is stuck in the disbelief I first felt when you turned down my proposal. Today has helped me come to terms with that. And I know you want forgiveness. I know you want everything to be okay so you can visit Sirius in our flat and see my parents without having to worry about me being there. I haven’t met the new me yet, but I think he’ll give you that.
You looked so happy today. And I wouldn’t ever want to take that away from you. I just wish I could’ve been the one to make you happy. I used to, and I don’t know what changed. I used to want to know so I could try to fix it but I know that’s hopeful thinking now. I have to believe that one day I’ll find happiness like you. I used to be so fucking optimistic, but I think I left that in Paris. I want to find that again, too."
- Jamie
In a movement utterly reminiscent of one that happened five years ago, he crumples up the note. This time, instead of giving it to the hands of fate, he tosses it into the fireplace next to the table. He watches as his words burn and tries to let his feelings go with it. Unfortunately, it’s not that simple. He downs the rest of his drink and calls himself an Uber, not wanting to wait for Sirius and Remus to be done. He leaves the wedding reception alone.
If there’s one thing that tonight has taught James, it’s that he’s never going to love again.