Extract from the diary of Ominis Gaunt, part 1/2
I should have seen that coming. I know it, though I chose to stick my head in the sand to block out all reflection. I thought naively that he would stop by himself, that he would finally understand how his researches were leading him to a dark path. I opened up to him, in hopes that he wouldn't take the same path my family has taken for generations. I showed him what this power meant, the consequences he would have to deal with. But nothing worked. I begged him, again and again, threatened him countless times too. Sebastian dug deep into dark arts, and I feel like I've lost him forever.
My family would be proud of me, today. Proud, because despite this deep hatred I bear towards their ideologies, I created a monster. It's all my fault, of course. I showed him the scriptorium of Slytherin, I mentioned this heritage I never wanted to have. Because of me, he found this book. This relic. And for that, I shall never forgive myself.
I cursed this family with my own existence, years ago. If it weren't for me, Sebastian would still be the boy I've always known, flirting with the rules, breaking them, but not to that extent. Everyone can argue that he did it for Anne, that he would have found a way to learn these spells and use them, but I still doubt it. The path he followed was supposed to be mine, and because I didn't shut it down completely, he fell through the veil between good and bad.
My very name is an omen. A bad omen, I should say. Did my parents know that I would unleash such cataclysm when they chose this name? Did they hope for me to corrupt another innocent when I cut ties with them? I've never hidden the existence of the Sallow. They know Anne, and they know how close I am…was…with Sebastian. I bet they're laughing now.
The truth is almost unbearable. Days pass by, and I still don't know how to hide everything. I haven't gone in the Undercroft since that day. I avoid him at all costs, and I guess he's okay with that. He knows that I'm close to my breaking point, that a word could make me explode and expose what he's done to the world. He knows that nothing can be the same again. Whatever we were for each other, it was over. In search of a greater power he destroyed our relationship, piece by piece, and I feel like my heart is still bleeding. I can't sleep at night knowing that I'm the one who turned him into a murderer.
It's all my fault.
I cannot forgive myself.
I'm a Gaunt.
I'm a monster.
It's all my fault.
Extract from the diary of Anne Sallow, part 1/2
Sebastian is dead. Not really, of course, his body is still roaming the corridors of Hogwarts like nothing happened. He has to face the consequences of his actions. I wanted to turn him in, but Ominis held my hand. Still, I cannot forgive him. How could I? My brother, my twin, the boy I dearly loved, turned into a monster. He murdered uncle Solomon like a cold blooded killer, used some unforgivable spells. The look in his eyes, when he casted that imperius curse on that goblin…the satisfaction I saw on his face when he forced him to kill himself…I cannot admit that this creature is my brother.
The curse in my flesh is fading away, lately, but I don't even acknowledge it. Alone and weakened, I live day to day thinking about him and Solomon. Could I have prevented it? I am the one who led Solomon to his death. I asked him to find Sebastian, when he used that relic to control the inferi. I was so scared…he was already lost in the dark. Is it my fault?
No, it cannot be. I asked him to stop looking for a cure, especially when he admitted that he was searching for answers in this old book. I begged him to just let me be, let the curse consume me, and stay with me until the end. But he didn't listen. Merlin's beard, he didn't even listen to Ominis!
I thought that letting him loose was good enough, when I agreed to keep the secret about his actions. I thought that he would reflect on it, that he'd live forever with this guilt. But now, I'm not even sure that he'll regret one thing. The Sebastian I thought I knew died the day he casted that first forbidden curse, and the one who replaced it is an emotionless monster.
Ominis come by, sometimes. It makes the loneliness bearable, and I think he too needs company. We don't talk a lot. Our meetings are mostly silents, sitting in the living room, although sometimes we feel like sharing our emotions. Our pain, our guilt are similar. He scared me, the last time we met. He told me that he was fully responsible for my brother's actions, and that I should hate him for that. But I know that he's fooling himself. With or without his help, Sebastian would have done something terrible too. At this point, I'm just glad that my brother didn't murder my best friend.
Extract from the diary of Sebastian Sallow, part 1/2
The guilt. The pain. The frustration. The shame. I feel all these emotions to their full potential, like a dagger in my chest I cannot remove. When I close my eyes, I see him laying on the cold stone. I see Anne's anger, her eyes sparkling with a rage I've never seen before, I feel her power explode. I see Ominis's disappointment, his pale blue eyes staring right through my soul. I always wondered if he could see more than what we do. Can he feel my heart? Can he know how my own actions are crushing my entire being, leaving a broken glass statue ready to be shattered in a million pieces?
Sometimes, I regret what I did. I crawl into my bed and hide under the blankets, crying all the tears in my eyes until I'm too exhausted to stay awake. I wake up sweating from nightmares, cry again, pass out. I don't eat, don't shower, just walk around the castle ignoring everyone and avoiding my dearest friend. I'm a ghost.
Sometimes however, I remember why I did it. And the guilt fades away, a little. I know I had to do it. I wanted to protect Anne, to cure her, and that old man was trying to take her away from me. I know I had to manipulate Ominis into giving me all these precious informations. I know I had to try this relic, I know that the dark arts were the only answer. Fight fire with fire. These days, I'm like my old self. Arrogant, self-confident. But I still avoid him at all costs. I cannot stare at these big blue eyes again.
Anne will forgive me, one day. She'll understand. I'm a patient boy, I can wait until she's ready to see me again. Meanwhile, I shall try to get Ominis back on my side. I know how to handle him, after all this time. He cannot resist me.
Extract from the diary of Ominis Gaunt, part 2/2
Monster. Demon. Your fault. No, not yours. His. Not his. I don't know what to think. I thought we had to stay away from each other, Sebastian and I. Anne has not yet returned to Hogwarts, and I fear she might never come back. Meanwhile, her brother approached me again.
I didn't want to talk to him. I couldn't. But it's my fault, again. I went to the Undercroft, out of nostalgia. I wanted to remember the good old days, when Anne, Sebastian and I stayed there for hours playing Gobstones or practicing spells we shouldn't have known yet. I just wanted to allow myself to think, be happy again, instead of just feeling this guilt that consumed me.
But he came. He entered the Undercroft and I couldn't leave yet. I didn't want to talk, I just…wanted to disappear, never see him again. Because I knew exactly what he was about to do. And I knew I couldn't resist it…again.
He manipulated my emotions. Now, hours after this unfortunate meeting, I see through him. He touched my shoulder, made me lower my wand while he whispered to my ear, words coming out like a snake's venom which paralyzed me. I tried to push him away. I tried to let him know that it was over, that I couldn't forgive him ever. It was too late, he destroyed everything.
But his words shut me up quickly. I pitied him, again. I wanted to believe that he was about to become a better man. That we were right to let him free, because he could make things right. Why am I so weak for him? Why can't I hold him accountable? Did I create this monster or was he just drawn in by my heritage? Were we even friends, once?
I feel lost. The lack of sleep doesn't help, and I still have to think about my exams. I need to get away from this castle, from this boy as soon as possible. I have no one to turn to, but Anne. What could I do then? What will happen, when the curse will finally take her away? Will I survive, all alone? Will Sebastian try to kill me? I can't stay here. I won't go back to Feldcroft again, once she's not there anymore. I will leave. Leave this place, leave this life. I cannot bear it anymore.
Extract from the diary of Anne Sallow, part 2/2
The curse is back, stronger than ever. The death of Rookwood didn't mean anything, as the magic he used on me wasn't connected to his life. I cannot leave my bed now, and without Solomon, I feel my health decline rapidly. I know that one day, I will not wake up from my sleep.
Ominis told me that he met Sebastian. He didn't want to talk about it more, but I know that something bad happened again. He looked lost, depressed, his blue eyes underlined by a purple shadow. Whatever my brother has done or said, it was too much for him to bear. I'm scared that my death will lead him to a dark path, although I know that he will never follow Sebastian's footsteps.
As I'm writing these words, Sebastian has just left the house. Too weak to confront him, I didn't talk as he ranted again about the necessity of his actions. My eyes speak for me. He screamed, cried, and tried to negotiate. I told him that the curse was stronger than ever. That what he did was useless, and that he wasted all of our lives for nothing. I asked him to leave me alone, as I wanted to die in peace. My brother is dead. I will join him now. His memory will never be tainted by the monster he has become.
Extract from the diary of Sebastian Sallow, part 2/2
I've lost everything. I tried to save it all, and I feel like I broke it all instead. Anne passed away from the curse, and the last thing she told me was that I was no more than a monster that killed her brother with her uncle. She never understood that I did it for her. I dedicated my life to cure her, and it wasn't enough. It never was. Should I have stopped my research, like Solomon wanted? Enjoy her company while she was still around…but no. I couldn't. I thought that magic could cure everything and everyone, but I was fooled. And now that I've lost my sister for good, I feel…empty.
Ominis disappeared not so long after her funeral. I found his diary in his room, and what he wrote about me is upsetting. I thought we were friends. I thought I could count on him whenever I needed, but he failed me in the end. He kept me away from Anne when she needed me the most, and tried to frame me for everything. I didn't manipulate him, I just wanted his help! I'm not evil. I'm not a monster. I just use whatever mean to an end. He has to know.
I'm gonna find Ominis. I have to explain everything to him, take him back to Hogwarts, to Feldcroft. Now that Anne is…I need him more than ever. And he needs me. Who else is he gonna turn to? He has no family, no friends he can count on. I'm his only resort now, and he mine. I'm gonna find him. I have to. If he doesn't want to listen, I'll make him. I don't care if I have to break his bones to prevent him from running away, he will listen to me. He'll stay by my side, like he always did. Like he should have done. He'll listen.
I'm gonna find him.