Chapter 1
Sometimes he feels unaware of how much time has gone by. He tried to reassure his friends that pain was momentary but to himself? He could not get away with the lie.
Remus Lupin was indeed, damaged. And not in the beautifully artistic way that one could find useful to create something meaningful, but in an empty, scary, and numbing way. Perhaps, he was more than scared of that feeling of nothingness that dared to creep his way out, eating him. Bit by bit.
During the war, upturns kept him distracted enough, there was so much going on at the same time that he barely had any chance to mind every bad news, every low blow, and every inch of his soul faded away with the death of his chosen family. He remembered only stopping, only allowing himself to feel the entirety of the painful remembrance when days before the end, Lily's turn.
Sirius was the one to tell him, his tear-stained cheeks, reddened by the salty liquid running like a cascade along his face, each word laced with the weeping noises coming from the dog. The world stopped. Magic somehow vanished, and for a few days, there was no spell or potion strong enough to bring him back. For that, Remus knew that pain was an everlasting substance. Would probably never run out of it, self-sustained and impossible to dry out. He could, eventually, have no tears left. No voice. No ink. But, pain? He will never run out of that. Even now, ten years after, he had to remind himself that he could live with it. It was not always as dreadful and excruciating but he woke up and the sudden idea popped into his head: she would be so spirited. She would be excited to help him pick out which book, which lesson, and which assignments. No one would be more proud than Lily Evans seeing her best friend achieve his lifelong dream. The bittersweet sentiment settled in his dirty blonde head, sticking to his shadow when walking to the train. He knew that memories would be hard to face, every little girl with reddish hair, every short boy with round apples and a toothless smile, his friends. In that station were two things waiting for him: his living family and the ghost of them.
'' What's got into you, mate? Are you having second thoughts? You look like shit.'' As per usual, the too-blunt Sirius Black. A couple of things changed over the years, not his scandalous taste for fashion or his untamed long black hair. He was still reckless, still explosive but his smile bring him some comfort. The cheeky gesture that has always made him look like a delinquent somehow, calmed Remus' thoughts. It was home.
''Oi! Don't mock our Moony like that, he must be nervous. It's not every day you become a boring but hot teacher.'' And James Potter, as charming as obtuse, with his already broken glasses from probably playing too rough with the dog. His dimples framing his face, the stupidly tiny freckles along his nose, details. Remus paid attention to details, they settled him and grounded him. Pointing James' glasses with his wand, a fast chant was enough to amend the shattered piece.
'' First and foremost, I'm not boring. I will not accept being called boring by two man-child who spent their entire summer watching the latest season of My 90 day fiancé.'' ''Moony, do not rat us out, what kind of gentleman are you?'' Fake offended Sirius made him laugh dryly. In loneliness, Remus was consumed with dreams of what it should have been but while being with them, nothing could do wrong. They were his pack. His balm to heal every physical and mental wound even if sometimes, it still leaks blood or venom.
'' And where is the main star today? I'm sure he's terrified after being told so many times about how he must be a Gryffindor or he will disappoint his entire family line. Poor kid.'' said Remus.
'' We did not! We just...informed him of Gryffindor's greatness. He told me he was gonna look for Ron, they met at this Quidditch thing, Molly's son. Quite a great kid.'' James smiled remembering how his son was so excited about finally being able to live some of the things the Marauders told him about. The castle, the magic, the forever friendships. Well, in some cases, almost forever. Looking around in the search for his son was no use, he was nowhere to be found. The bad feeling one can never get rid of made him anxious, unsettling his stomach. Frowning his brows, James went to raise his alarms when a soft voice interrupted his attempted panic.
''Excuse me? Are you Mr. Potter? I found this young man lost on the platform and told me to share a message, that he will board the train with his friends ''and have no need for his father bickering around''. His words, not mine.'' She held her hands high, ironically trying to prove her innocence. The three men shifted toward the unknown woman, focusing their eyes on her. She was short, long chestnut hair that would probably be in proper curls if taken care of, with a peculiar accent only an exchange student could have. But she was most definitely not a student, the way she carried herself could not be mimicked by a teenager. A dark maxi skirt, showing the tiniest bit of her brown boots, a tone-down greenish sweater, and more gold chains than a regular person would use. Sirius smiled noticing her ears pierced, she was keen on accessorizing. And he would respect that.
'' And who could you be, our generous savior that has spared James from his panic attack?'' Sirius' mellow voice was the first to address her, his flirty nature was flourishing in the sights of such a delightful creature. He thrived attention, he longed for beautiful things to remind himself that the world was more than a sorrowful place. He consumed beauty, in every possible way. And usually, no one would care.
But hearing the way he spoke, the sweetened tone, was enough to make Remus sick.
As if the dog had sniffed maybe a little too close to something that belonged to him, not to Remus, to him. The shift in the air was noticeable only for the triad, earning concerned glances from James and Sirius. He heard their voices, questioning and caring, and he felt their hands directing him towards one of the train entries. Yet, everything he could see and long, was golden. His eyes, glimmered at the sight of her just passing by to board the same train, the same route. The same destiny. There was something in his heart, beating with anticipation and a feeling he could not quite describe for he had not felt something similar. The dawn. A craving rooted in the deepest garden of his heart singing only for the nameless woman that had stolen his pain with just a quiver of her lips.