crush

Something to know about James is that his eyes aren't great.

Once, in third year, James lost his glasses. He'd had to cling to Sirius' arm all day so that he wouldn't bump into anything or anyone (though, Sirius hadn't been the best guide, so after their first class, James relied on Remus instead. There’d been significantly fewer accidents after that).

To add to this, James Potter has protanopia, which is a form of colourblindness. It's never really caused much issue in his life, since he usually just asks whoever's around which colour is red, and which colour is green, so as not to get them mixed up. Until today.

"Shit, Reg! Get up, come on!" James hisses, blinking himself awake while shaking the younger boy by his shoulder. "We fell asleep, get up!"

“Piss off,” grumbles Regulus in response, shoving James away.

James huffs. As adorable as sleepy Regulus is, sometimes he really is a bit of a bother. Especially because of how hard James finds it to say ‘no’ to that face of his.

“Reg, I need to go. The lads’ll already be up by now; they’ll know I’m gone.”

Regulus groans in annoyance, but does lift his arm from where he’d had James trapped beside him. James hurriedly buttons up the top of his shirt where he’d loosened it last night (or had Regulus undone the buttons? It’s all a bit of a blur to remember, honestly. To be fair, James’ priorities had been… elsewhere…) then grabs what he prays is his tie – he’s pretty sure he’d left his on the bedside table, not the floor, where the other tie lay – before pressing a quick kiss to Regulus’ forehead and dashing out of the Slytherin’s dorm, invisibility cloak already swooping over his shoulders and pulled over his head.

Thankfully, the Slytherin common room is empty when he passes through, so there’s no one around to question the door opening and closing by itself. He manages to slip through the portrait to the Gryffindor common room as someone else came out of it, but when he enters his dorm, praying to whoever might be watching over him that his mates were still asleep by some miracle, he finds it empty.

Shit.

So they’ve definitely noticed he wasn’t there last night.

It’s a shame really, then, that James is such a poor liar. Euphemia and Fleamont Potter had brought him up to be an honest and genuine person and, despite his mischievous streak here at Hogwarts, James never learned how to lie well. Especially not to the other marauders, who were the only ones to ever try to teach him how.

Fuck, he’s so screwed.

Sighing, James set about his normal morning routine. And if he takes a little longer in the shower or to re-dress, then it certainly has nothing to do with putting off the inevitable confrontation from his mates. Not at all.

On the way to the Great Hall, rather confusingly, James finds himself on the other end of some odd looks. A couple folk even laugh at him. Sure, that isn’t anything new, really, but usually it’s at least intentional for him to make people laugh. Apparently not this time.

He takes in a long breath of preparation before entering the hall and – perhaps a little slower than normal (though James swears he’s not trying to avoid his friends and their questions!) – makes his way to the Gryffindor table, plonking himself down beside Sirius.

“Nice of you to join us, Prongs,” Sirius starts in a rather suggestive tone. James just rolls his eyes. “Where might you ha– James.”

Oh dear god.

“Yes, Pads?” James asks, maybe the bravest act he’s ever committed.

“Does that Slytherin tie around your neck have anything to do with your disappearance last night?”

Fuck.

James’ eyes shoot down to his tie. Is it a Slytherin one? Fuck, he can’t tell. But if he’s wearing Reg’s tie, then that means–

Whispers start to circulate all around the hall after the doors open and shut again, admitting Regulus and two of his mates into the room – Barty Crouch Jr. and Evan Rosier, James recognises. Crouch and Rosier have matching shit-eating grins on their faces, and Regulus isn’t wearing a tie, which could only mean– yes; James must’ve grabbed the wrong one this morning.

Double-fuck.

Regulus makes a b-line for the Gryffindor table, and James finds he can’t take his eyes off him. The youngest Black still looks half asleep – though some would probably mistake it as his grumpy face (which, to be fair, is very similar to his sleepy face) – and it’s honestly rather endearing. In one hand is another tie – probably James’, then – and the other flicks a curl from his face.

Sirius, evidently, has also noticed his little brother’s approach and, more notably, his lack of a tie around his neck, but the addition of one in his hand. Opposite them, Remus and Peter turn around to look at the object of James’ and Sirius’ stares, then swivel right back around to gape at James.

“Oh Prongs, tell me you didn’t…” Peter says, trailing off with the answer already certain right in front of them.

James just swallows, eyes never leaving Regulus. By this point, the Slytherin has reached the table, and has come to stand right next to James, towering over him in such a way that makes James flush. Not the time! he reminded himself hastily, but it was already too late. He could almost feel Sirius’ stare burning into the side of his face.

“James,” Regulus says, and it feels like the whole hall goes silent, just waiting, listening for the latest gossip.

“Regulus,” James manages to choke out, looking up at him with wide, slightly afraid eyes.

He isn’t mad, right? It had only been a few weeks ago that Regulus had admitted to ‘testing the waters’ with Sirius about their relationship, so surely he was feeling ready to tell his brother, right? Maybe not like this, but James is hardly to blame. It isn’t his fault his eyes are so fucked.

Regulus strikes out with his hand suddenly, wrapping it tight around the tie James is wearing and tugging it up a little. It’s kinda hot, admittedly, and if it wasn’t for all the eyes watching them, James might have gone in for a kiss.

“I’m going to need this back,” Regulus tells him, voice low and rough in just the way it had been last night.

Before James can manage to fix his brain in time to reply, Regulus starts gently pulling the knot of the tie apart until he can slither it away from James’ neck, sending shivers down James’ spine. He lets out an involuntary breath and sees Regulus smirk a little. That little fucker knows exactly what he’s doing. Oh, James is so going to get him back for this later.

Regulus lays his tie around the back of his neck, leaving it untied, then does the same with James’ tie, except his nimble little fingers tie it up around his neck, tucking it under his collar and letting himself brush lightly over James’ skin. God, this is gonna kill him.

“There we go,” whispers Regulus in his ear, pulling him up by his tie again – this time the correct tie, James assumes.

“Thank you,” James finds his voice to say, though as hardly more than a breath.

Regulus presses a soft kiss to James’ lips, and– oh, he’s just done that. Regulus just kissed him in front of most of the school – if not everyone – and, most terrifyingly, in front of Sirius, who looks…

Actually, it’s hard to tell. Which, really, is scary enough. Usually James finds it easy to read his best mate’s expressions, but now he just… He’s blank, almost. Jaw set tight, though, so fuck, maybe he’s angry. Or at least pissed off, or maybe annoyed. It really is hard to guess at, though. His shoulders are shaking a little, but nothing else gives him away.

James struggles to find it in himself to mind much, though. It’s hard to focus on anything when Regulus’ mouth is attached to his, even just in a gentle kiss like this. It feels like he’s floating, and frankly, James never wants to come down. He does, unfortunately, when Regulus pulls away and lets go of the tie. To make up for it, Regulus takes one of James’ hands in his own and presses a kiss to his knuckles too.

“Good luck with my brother,” he says softly, and it takes a second for James to put that together with Sirius’ expression.

Shit. If even Regulus isn’t sure his brother’s face means anything good, then surely it’s only bad news.

Welp. It’s been a nice life while it lasted. At least he has one last moment with Reg to end it on a high.

“James.”

James turns to Sirius nervously while Regulus abandons him, as though they haven’t just basically come out to everyone as a couple. He can feel his hands shaking as he wipes the sweat off on his trousers.

“A word outside please. Now.”

Even if James wants to decline – which he wouldn’t, as there’s only so long he can really put off this conversation – Sirius drags him up by the arm, not letting go until they’re both safely outside the hall and away from prying eyes and curious ears. Not that people won’t be able to hear Sirius shouting though, James reckons. Nah; both Black brothers are known for their dramatics. If Sirius is going to shout, the whole of Hogwarts is absolutely going to hear about it.

Except, when the door shuts behind them, James feels arms wrapping tight around him, trapping his arms to his side and, quite honestly, crushing him a little. Sirius shakes in the embrace, burying his face in James’ chest. Shit, is he crying?

“Pads?” James asks cautiously, raising his hands as much as he can from where his arms are pinned to return the hug.

“Thank you,” Sirius muffles into James’ shirt. Yeah, he’s definitely crying.

So. This is definitely not the reaction James had been expecting.

“Thank me? I-I um– Padfoot, can you, uh, be more… specific?” he whispers, not wanting to break the moment but also quite utterly confused.

Sirius pulls away enough where his words can be heard better and wipes his cheeks, unashamed but too used to doing so anyway. He smiles a little. James can’t help but return it.

“Thank you for loving him, Prongs.”

Okay…?

“That’s… no problem,” James replies. Yeah, he’s completely lost.

Sirius, at least, seems to pick this up. “We’re Blacks,” he says, like that explains it all. Rolling his eyes at James’ lack of understanding, Sirius continues, “We come from an unloveable family, James. And yet– you love him, don’t you?”

“I do,” James confirms immediately. And– yes, he really does. Regulus means everything to him. He is everything to James. As we’ve seen, James Potter doesn’t love halfway.

“I thought– I thought he and I would never– we’d never be loved. I thought we couldn’t be loved. But you… you love him.”

God, that’s actually heartbreaking. Does Sirius really believe himself to be so impossible to care about? Does Regulus hold this same belief?

“Pads,” James starts, resting a now-free hand on Sirius’ shoulder. “You– you’re not unloveable. Either of you. You just got dealt some really shitty parents. But I love you, and so do Wormtail and Moony. The girls too, and Mum and Dad. Your parents are the monsters, Sirius. Not you, and not Regulus.”

Sirius is wiping his eyes again, but James is hoping they’re happy tears rather than sad ones. He pulls James back into a hug, this time one that James can properly participate in.

“I love you too, Prongs. And I reckon Reggie does too, by that little display of his.”

The thought makes a goofy smile appear on James’ face.

“Love him, James, and love him well, okay?”

“I will, Sirius. Forever, I swear it,” James promises.

Sirius suddenly yanks him closer. His voice takes on a much more threatening tone. “And know that if you hurt him – even just a hair on his head, a single tear in his eyes – you’ll regret the day you were born. Understood?”

James gulps. “Loud and clear,” he manages. Sirius claps him on the back and lets him go.

“Good! You might be my best mate, Prongs, but he’s my little brother. I’d burn the world for him.”

“Me too,” James says softly. And he really would.