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Regulus Black had a complicated relationship with water. When he was very young, he hated water.

Kreacher had told him as an infant, he was afraid of thunderstorms and would cry and cry as the rain pounded down and the lightning blared. 

He remembered looking out his bedroom window at the streets of London, watching children splash in puddles with wide smiles on their faces. His shoulders would shiver in disgust at the utter disregard for cleanliness, imagining the feeling of soaked trouser legs and shoes. On rainy days he’d wait for the droplets of water to disappear and for the sun to shine.

The despisement continued until the day his nine-year-old self saw the ocean.

His parents were visiting some acquaintance of theirs who happened to live on the beach (they weren’t thrilled by it, complaining about the sand almost immediately). He and Sirius were practically locked outside as soon as they arrived at the house and told they weren’t allowed back in until dinnertime. Sirius, being Sirius, started off by himself at once, with Regulus in tow.

“Why do you always have to follow me?” an eleven-year-old Sirius groaned.

“I’m not following you. You happen to be going in the same direction.”

“Liar. You know you won’t be able to follow me when I go off to Hogwarts.”

Sirius was starting Hogwarts in a month and was using every chance possible to remind Regulus of the fact. He acted as if it didn’t bother him, as he always did, but a part of him would miss his big brother.

“I know,” he replied, trying to sound uncaring but failing.

Sirius’ face softened. “Come on, let’s just get to the beach.”

Sirius was not aware of his hatred for water. But he wasn’t going to say no when Sirius was inviting him. So he followed, and as the beach drew nearer, the sounds of the waves grew stronger. Eventually, they made it, and almost immediately Sirius kicked off his shoes and dove in. Regulus could practically hear his parents scolding already (not that Sirius would care, ever the troublemaker).

He remained where he was, staring at the scene before him, wondering what everyone else saw. All he could see was water that would sting his eyes and ruin his neatly pressed shirt. 

“Come on, Reggie!” Sirius yelled over the waves. “Live a little!”

Regulus methodically took off his shoes, carefully placing them on the bank. He turned back to the beach, slowly walking toward the water. The soft sand clung to his toes like he was walking on sugar. Soon enough, he was mere feet away from the water that drifted back and forth over the hardened sand. 

He stepped forward, feeling the wet sand almost immediately. And before he could turn and run away, the icy cold water ran over his feet. He flinched at the coldness, but as soon as it had come, the water was gone, leaving only sand and shells behind. And the next time the water came, it didn’t feel quite as cold.

Regulus shut his eyes. The sounds of the crashing waves seemed to block every sound or thought out. The feel of the water and sand on his toes was a reminder of how there was a world outside his home. And when his eyes reopened, all his hatred of water seemed to have vanished, and a smile graced his face.

His parents had scolded Sirius for swimming in the ocean. Sirius tried to hide the purplish bruise on his arm from Regulus, but, as always, he had known about it. He never knew why Sirius tried to hide what their parents did from him. Regulus was very much aware of their cruelty, though they were always harder on Sirius. He tried to tell Sirius time and time again if he just behaved, they wouldn’t be as awful.

But Sirius had always just smiled and said, “Well, where’s the fun in that?”

Maybe that was another reason he didn’t want Sirius to leave. Without his brother, he was alone. Well, besides Kreacher. But Kreacher could never make him laugh as Sirius did. 

That night when he went to bed, he dreamed of the ocean. He dreamed of swimming across it and looking behind, watching his parents get farther and farther away. He felt as if he was swimming toward freedom. Toward a better life.

When he had awoken the next morning, he realized how stupid an idea that was. To swim away from his family. Of all the ways to get away, that was the most ridiculous one he had thought of.

Yet, the idea wouldn’t leave his brain. And even if it wasn’t a good idea, there would be no harm in getting swimming lessons. 

He brought up the idea at dinner. His parents had looked at him like he’d grown a second head while Sirius tried to hide his smile.

“Swimming lessons?” his mother boomed across the table.

“Yes. I believe they’d be beneficial for my physical development. It is also an important skill to have.”

Before his mother could object, his father spoke. “That it is Regulus. Walburga, have Kreacher get in touch with an instructor.”

“Of course, Orion.”

And that was that. The next day his lessons began at a private facility with the most esteemed swimming instructor in the country. He was worried that the water would feel different than it had before. But as soon as his toes touched the still pool, the calmness surrounded him, and he let himself become one with the water.

He was a natural swimmer, according to his instructor. After a few weeks, he had mastered basic techniques and was learning more advanced tricks to increase his agility. He spent most of his time in the water, where he didn’t have to focus on how Sirius was leaving soon.

His lesson had to be moved to late afternoon the day Sirius was to leave for Hogwarts. He didn’t know what he expected from Sirius when he said goodbye. Sirius had patted his shoulder and smiled, and after his father and Sirius shook hands, and his mother gave a terse nod, Sirius was gone. Just like that, he was alone.

He went to his lesson that afternoon, and instead of working on a new type of stroke, he had spent it floating on top of the water and staring at the ceiling, lost in his thoughts. His instructor had left with little argument hours before. Regulus couldn’t help but feel like he had lost his brother forever for some reason. He knew that was dramatic. He’d be seeing Sirius at Christmas in a few months.

The letter arrived the next morning at breakfast. Sirius had been sorted into Gryffindor. His parents had sent a scathing Howler at once, and he spent the day in his room, afraid to go outside, knowing if he did anything wrong, he’d bear the brunt of their fury.

It was raining that day. And for the first time, he looked out the window and watched the raindrops fall with a new sense of tranquility.

———————————————————

Regulus' first night at Hogwarts was odd. His house and parents were miles away, replaced with a dorm with sleeping boys. He wondered briefly if Sirius felt the same way his first night here.

Sirius. Sirius who hadn’t even looked at him when he had been sorted into Slytherin. Sirius who had ignored his looks across to him in the Great Hall. Sirius who had ignored him calling his name and continued walking toward the Gryffindor common room.

Sirius had established what these years were going to be like. And he had no power to go against it.

He sighed and pushed the thought of Sirius from his mind. Instead, he thought of the brilliant lake he and the other first years had crossed to get to the castle. While everyone else had stared at the grand castle, he couldn’t fix his eyes away from the dark water. He had already read Hogwarts: A History, and when he had learned of the lake filled with magical creatures and a giant squid, he couldn’t wait to see it for himself. Even in the darkness, it was beautiful, with the bright crescent moon shining on its surface.

Regulus had mastered swimming over the past few years. After mastering all the swimming techniques, he focused on breathing techniques. He could now hold his breath for three minutes. 

Floating was his favorite sensation. The peacefulness of it. He imagined he’d float away in the water to a better life instead of swimming. Swimming was brash and tiring, but floating was the peace and calmness he’d always yearned for. Somedays he’d go to the pool only to float on top, motionless for hours and hours. His cousin Andromeda used to mention her habit of meditation, and it seemed similar to what he did. Though he couldn’t imagine doing it without the water, it would be dreadfully boring.

The worst part about going to Hogwarts was having to say goodbye to the pool. He had become attached to the space and even his instructor. He had promised to write to the man and intended to keep that promise. 

Regulus had researched the lake. About whether it was against any rules to swim inside it, and he had found there were none. He already planned to go out whenever he could get away without anyone noticing. He didn’t want anyone else to know about it. His swimming was something just for him. 

The plan became harder than he thought. The workload was immense, and Barty and Evan wouldn’t leave his side almost all day. He could feel himself losing his sanity. The water was right there, and yet he couldn’t touch it.

After a few weeks, he had a new idea. His brother and his friend's exploits were famous around the school. They had been involved in pranks weekly, mostly on the Slytherins. The worst had been the sudden rain clouds to appear over their table in the Great Hall, absolutely drenching them all and the food. (He would’ve been more bothered by it if it weren’t for the fact that it was water, and he was itching for any type of water he could get).

So when Regulus managed to catch Sirius alone in the halls, he took his chance. He walked up to his brother, making sure that Sirius couldn’t just walk away from him as he had done before.

“Sod off,” Sirius said tersely.

“I need to get outside after hours.”

Sirius put on his usual mischievous grin. “How would I know how to do that?”

“Everyone knows you and your friends are behind all of these pranks-“

“The Marauders. If you’re going to credit us get it right.”

Regulus rolled his eyes. “You and the Marauders are able to get around the castle. So you must know how to get out.”

“Even if I did, why would I tell you?”

“Because I’m your brother.”

“That’s even more of a reason not to do it.”

“Do you have to be an arse?”

“Is that even a question? Why do you even want to get out?”

Regulus grew quiet. His swimming has always been for him. Something his parents or anyone else couldn't touch.

“Does it matter?”

“If you’re going to get caught, then yes. Or if you’re going to terrorize some poor kid.”

“Not all Slytherins are like that. I’m not like that.”

Sirius laughed bitterly. “Sure. You’re just friends with people like that.”

“I’m not friends with anyone, contrary to what they might say.”

“Whatever. But I'm not telling you anything unless you tell me why you want to know.”

“Fine. I want to go to the lake.”

Sirius frowned at him, confused. “The lake? Why in Merlin’s name would you want to go there?”

“To swim, of course. Why else?”

Sirius fell quiet. “You’re still doing that?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

“I don’t know. I just... didn’t see you as the swimming type.”

“Well, you were wrong.”

For a moment, Sirius just stared at him. And for the first time in years, he felt as if he had his brother back. He wanted to hold on to this moment forever, the moment Sirius actually looked at him without disgust or disappointment. That Sirius saw him for him. 

The moment was gone as quickly as it had started.

Sirius cleared his throat. “So you want to know how to sneak out to go swimming?”

Regulus was getting rather miffed. “Is it that hard to believe?”

“No. I'm wondering why you want to swim in a lake at night that has a giant squid in it.”

“It’s not as dangerous as people believe.”

Sirius shrugged. “If you drown that’s on you then.”

“Can you tell me now?”

“Yes. There’s a secret passage…”

Sirius described the way out, and Regulus clung to every word. Just as he could feel all those years ago that he was losing Sirius, he felt then this would be the last conversation they would have as brothers. Their family had managed to tear them apart, and he wanted nothing more than to fight against it, but he knew it was impossible to do so. There’s no fighting the Noble House of Black. No matter how hard he or Sirius tries. Their destinies were written the day they were born. 

Still, he could use his years at Hogwarts to act as if his future isn’t decided. That his parents aren’t in control. That he’ll be able to swim far, far away to a better life. 

Maybe he could even take Sirius with him. Just the two of them against the world, like they’d planned when they were younger. 

That would be nice.

———————————————————

He couldn’t swim to a better life. The idea itself was a stupid child’s fantasy that he believed for far too long. 

And Sirius was never going to go with him. Sirius will run away, but not with him. No Sirius will leave to Potters, and Regulus will stay behind with dear old mother and father. He’ll become the heir to the Black name. He’ll be betrothed to some women he’s never met and have kids that will be forced to be a part of all this madness. 

That’s his life. While Sirius gets to do as he bloody pleases, he’ll be the face of this household. 

Regulus stuck his face into the water and screamed. After a few seconds, he emerged, feeling the tiniest bit better. He collapsed onto the ground, staring at Hogwarts lake. 

At least he still has swimming. He can lose everything else, but he has that. Too bad he has Sirius to thank for this, for being able to get out here in the dead of night. The passage was simple to maneuver, and he’d only had a few close calls since first year. 

It was the first day of fourth year. Sirius had run away over the summer to the Potters. Mother and father were less than thrilled about it but seemed to get over it once realizing that he could be the heir. Good, controllable, behaved Regulus who had yet to let them down. 

He shouldn’t be so angry about it still. Sirius had asked him to come along, to get away from their parents and everything. But he had refused, and with that, he knew any chance of fixing his relationship with Sirius was gone. Sirius was no longer a Black, and he was to be the Black heir. 

Regulus hadn’t seen Sirius since the day he had left until today. He had glanced over in the Great Hall to the Gryffindor table and managed to lock eyes with his brother, who had a look of pure coldness that made him want to vomit. He had left as quickly as he could without being questioned and snuck out of the room as soon as Barty’s snores began. 

The lake brought just as much comfort as it always had. Here he wasn’t Regulus Black. He was just Regulus. 

He wonders not for the first time if he should’ve gone with Sirius. What would his life look like now? Would Sirius be his brother again? Would he be friends with Potter, Pettigrew, and Lupin? Would he become a Marauder? Would he have a family?

He still doesn’t know why he said no. It was like a reflex within him he couldn’t break. No matter how much he wanted to, he couldn’t go against his parents. He still felt like a child, afraid of the monsters. Except the monsters were his parents.

The water could bring him comfort, but would that be enough? What if one day there isn’t a lake or ocean or pool to swim in? What will he do then?

There was something brewing, something dark and dangerous. Regulus didn’t know what, but it scared him. For the first time, he felt as if something was threatening what he had with the water. That this peace and beauty could be taken away.

And it chilled him to the bone.

———————————————————

Regulus stared out at the lake. It seemed like just yesterday he was dipping his toes into the water for the first time. He remembered when the dark water surrounded him, and he felt at peace. He missed that feeling.

He hadn’t so much as touched the lake since he had started fifth year. He still came almost every night, but he’d just stare. The lake was right there in front of him, but it never felt farther away. 

A rustling sounded behind him, and he pointed his wand on instinct. 

“It’s just me,” a familiar voice said, appearing from the darkness.

Sirius.

He lowered his wand but remained quiet. Sirius stared for a few seconds before looking back at the lake.

“So this is where you’ve been coming to all these years. Can’t say I see the appeal.”

“What do you want, Sirius?”

“What? Can’t go for a midnight swim?”

He didn’t respond. Maybe the old him would’ve made a joke about Sirius being an awful swimmer. That person was gone.

Sirius sighed. “Look, I just wanted to see how you were.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m your brother, you wanker.”

“You haven’t seemed to care much these past few years about that.”

“That’s not fair-“

“If things were fair we wouldn’t be having this conversation.”

“Look, I’m trying to be nice.”

“Just tell me what you're really doing here, Sirius. I’m not a child anymore. You don’t have to play the big brother.”

Sirius hardened. “Fine. You know about the war.”

“Everyone knows about the war.”

“Maybe. But not everyone has aligned with the nutter.”

“So you think I’m aligned with him then?”

“I know darling Mum and Dad are," Sirius said with a laugh. "But I’m willing to believe you're not.”

“Thanks for the bloody optimism.”

“You don’t exactly make it easy for me to believe otherwise. Everyone else assumes you are, but I know you.”

Regulus turned to Sirius. “You know me? How would you know me? We haven’t had an actual conversation since my first year!”

“It doesn’t matter. What matters is that there’s a way out of this. I can help you get out. You and I can be on the same side.”

“Same side? Don’t tell me you're joining this.”

“You think I’m going to let some lunatic murderer run about?”

“You're actually choosing to be a part of the war.”

“Of course I am. And you could join me.”

Regulus shook his head with disbelief. “You're barmy. Why for fuck’s sake would I join you?”

“For a second chance. You can prove you're the person I know you are, Reggie.”

“No.”

Sirius blinked, confused. “No?”

“No. I won’t do it.”

“Of course, you won’t," Sirius said bitterly. "You know, I don’t know why I keep thinking you're going to change.”

“I don’t know why either.”

“Fuck you.”

Sirius stormed off, and Regulus watched his figure grow smaller and smaller. After he could no longer see Sirius, he turned back to the lake. 

Regulus closed his eyes and sighed. When he opened them again, his eyes fell to his arm. He slowly peeled the sleeve of his shirt off, unable to suppress a wince of pain.

His eyes ran over the mark, a painful reminder of his sealed fate. 

———————————————————

The salty water flooded his vision. His thoughts were drowned out by the endlessly crashing waves. When his vision finally cleared, the cave loomed before him, menacing and holding what he had long been searching for within.

He glanced beside him to see Kreacher staring at the cave, trying to hide fear but failing miserably. Not that he blamed the house elf. He would be afraid if he had any fear left.

No, now he only could feel how close he was to prove who he really was. For the first time in his life, he was disobeying, acting out, doing something so ridiculously mad that one would think Sirius would’ve come up with the idea.

He was going against his parents, the Death Eaters, and even the Dark Lord himself. 

Regulus could already picture his return. He was going to go straight to the Potters, to Sirius with the destroyed locket. He would prove to Sirius he was not a coward. That he wasn’t who his brother thought he was.

The journey inside was quite simple. So much so Regulus thought he might have gotten it wrong. Maybe the Holcrux wasn’t here. Until he had found the boat. He had half a mind to swim across, but he didn’t want to leave Kreacher behind, and he didn’t know what lay in the water. 

The ride across felt like days. The anticipation was building, filled with excitement and a nervous energy that made him feel restless. He had spent months preparing for this moment, and in the next hour, he could be responsible for getting them all one step closer to defeating the Dark Lord.

The boat hit the land, and he practically ran out, Kreacher following silently behind. He slowed as he approached a crystal-shaped pedestal with a clear liquid inside, a clouded locket-shaped at the bottom.

“This is it then?” he questioned Kreacher.

“Yes, Master Regulus,” Kreacher responded nervously.

He had read every book he could to determine the potion inside it. Regulus had made Kreacher detail every single thought, action, or effect the liquid had when he had drunk it. 

Regulus pulled his wand out. “Evanesco.”

The liquid remained. 

“Just as I suspected. Emerald potion. This will be tricky, but we can manage.”

Kreacher reached for the shell lying beside the potion.

“What are you doing?” he quickly questioned.

“Drinking the potion Master, of course.”

He quickly shook his head. “Absolutely not. I won’t allow it.”

Regulus knew it was unheard of in pureblood families to be fond of a house elf. But Kreacher had been there since he was a child, taking care of him in every way. Kreacher was more family to him than his own parents. 

He knew Kreacher was brash and unlikeable to most, including Sirius, who had teased him relentlessly as children for wanting to spend time with Kreacher. But Kreacher also cared, and Regulus trusted him with his life.

Kreacher had already had to go through this torture before. He won’t be responsible for him having to go through it again. And selfishly, he couldn’t bear to watch Kreacher be in pain (he already had to see it too much). 

“Are you sure, Master?”

“Yes, Kreacher. Now, I’m going to drink this potion. And you're going to ensure I drink it all. You have the fake locket already and know the plan.”

“Yes, Master.”

He looked at the ground and sighed. “If anything goes wrong, I need you to go back home and destroy that locket. And you mustn’t tell anybody, not even mother and father.”

“I promise, Master Regulus. Not a soul.”

Regulus nodded. “Thank you, Kreacher. For helping me. Someday I will repay you.”

“That is unnecessary.”

“Even so, I will. That’s my promise to you.”

Kreacher remained silent. Regulus picked up the shell and dipped it into the potion. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Before he could even realize what he was doing, he poured the potion down his throat.

The effect was almost immediate. 

His mouth became completely dry, and he knew he couldn’t speak even if he tried. He felt more on edge than he had since arriving. And the pain racked his body until all he wanted to do was collapse and scream.

Kreacher entered his vision, holding the potion-filled shell, and he was reminded why he was there. Kreacher gently poured more potion into his mouth while he fought every urge to spit it out. 

The cycle continued, Kreacher giving him the potion, him resisting or barely suppressing it.

Regulus tried to focus on why he was here. He pictured his parent's aghast faces when learning he betrayed them and their precious Dark Lord. And Sirius staring at him with pride for going against their parents and Voldemort. He was so close to getting his brother back and finally gaining control over his life. 

The potion stopped coming. Regulus opened his eyes, but his vision was blurred. He grabbed the shell immediately and ran to the water, filling it immediately and drinking.

“Master Regulus!”

He turned around quickly to see Kreacher holding not one but two lockets. One being the lovely message for Voldemort to find and the other, the Holcrux itself.

He had done it.

A smile formed on his face.

Before he could even say a word, he felt a hand around his leg. And just like that he was pulled into the depths of the water.

It was darker than Hogwarts lake. Like an endless void of water that, for the first time, brought him no comfort. He felt hands grab and pull and tug and hurt and drag him down.

Regulus tried to fight back, but the more he struggled and kicked, the harder they held. His body was being taken deeper and deeper, and he realized with stunning clarity something that made him stop the fight.

This was it. This was how he was to die.

No lessons we’re going to save him. In fact, they had condemned him. He still has over a minute until he can hold his breath no more. Now he must wait to die and hope that it is as painless as the books say.

For a brief moment, he thinks of Kreacher. He hopes Kreacher is able to do what he cannot. He’d like to think his death was worth something. Though it seems nothing in his life has so far.

He almost laughs at the thought of his parents no longer with a Black heir. They’ll be more upset over that than his death.

But then his thoughts are taken over by Sirius. How he’ll never get his brother back.

This was actually it. His life amounted to drowning in a cave. Regulus Black, the master swimmer, drowns. Sirius will laugh at that. 

If they ever find him.

Regulus knows it’s pretentious to believe his parents will look for his body him. After a few weeks and a private investigator, his parents will acknowledge he isn’t to be found. If Sirius was still the brother he once was, he’d go looking. 

But Sirius isn’t. 

A burning sensation begins in his lungs. He knows it’s only a matter of time.

He imagines he’s back at Hogwarts in the lake. It’s nighttime, and the air is silent. He’s completely motionless in the water, floating atop.

People had always believed he floated through life. That he was some egocentric posh-boy. He wasn’t daft. He knew he had privileges others didn’t. He was a Black, after all.

But the floating always felt more like drowning. For every nice cuff link, there was a bruise on your shoulder from Father. For every platter filled with extravagant foods, there was a bone-chilling comment from dear Mum.

What would his life have looked like? Would he have ever gotten out as Sirius did? Would he marry some prim girl he had no love toward and never would? He never wanted children, but maybe it would have happened.

He’ll never know. That’s the worst part. He will just have to hope things turn out alright. 

The intense burning suddenly disappears. Instead, he just feels numb and slightly happy.

Regulus goes back to the floating sensation as his mind goes to black.

He doesn’t know what comes next. 

He just hopes there’s a pool.