Are you my father?
June 1986
Sirius had no idea what to do. He didn't know which feeling he should cling to. He felt them all. He was sad, angry, scared, confused, and anxious. Overwhelmed was probably the word. Who the fuck leaves their child in a public bathroom for a stranger, who apparently is also their dad, to find them?
He had taken Hermione to Grimauld's place. The whole thing had been a disaster. He had no idea what to say to her, and she had shut down as soon as she realised her mum or her Mémé, whoever the fuck that was, wasn't coming back.
Sirius was just thankful she hadn't cried.
"Sirius. This better not be a prank. I swear to Salazar himself that if.." Narcissa trailed off as she entered the room and laid eyes on the little girl.
Hermione looked up at the new person in the room but quickly put her head down again and fiddled with Mr Snuggle.
Narcissa smiled at the girl and motioned for Sirius to follow her to the kitchen. "Explain."
"What do you mean 'explain', I don't know what the fuck is happening. I got a letter last night, thinking it was a bit dramatic for a booty call, but fully prepared to play along and get an incredibly technical BJ from a.."
"Do you have to be so crude?" Narcissa interrupted him. "The girl. Do you not know how to perform a contraceptive charm or what?"
"It's almost five fucking years ago. I don't know what I did or didn't do. Besides, shouldn't the witch take care of that?" he exclaimed.
"Remind me to have Lucius have the talk with the children when the time comes." Narcissa pinched the bridge of her nose, trying to compose herself.
"Just read this," Sirius said as he handed her the letter.
Sirius was pacing the floor while Narcissa read.
She placed the letter on the kitchen counter. "Are you sure she's yours?"
"Yes, she's mine. I don't know how I know how, but I know. That is my daughter."
He knew it as soon as he had looked into her big, questioning chocolate-brown eyes. His heart had sunk into his stomach, and a big crack formed right down the middle. Staring into those big doe eyes, he just knew.
He didn't know how he knew because she didn't have his eyes. They were more similar to Eliza's eyes. But he knew. He felt it deep in his bones. That was his daughter.
"Mémé says you shouldn't say bad words", Came a little voice from behind them.
"That's entirely correct, dear. And Sirius will go out into the garden to take a minute." Narcissa gave him a stern look before smiling at Hermione. "I'm Narcissa. You're Hermione, aren't you? Are you hungry? Can I make you some food?"
Hermione nodded, and Narcissa helped her up on a stool.
Sirius gave her a smile, but he suspected it looked more like a grimace. He went out into the magically expanded garden. He clenched and unclenched his fists and took a deep breath. When that didn't calm him, he kicked the chairs a few several times. He didn't know how long he stood there, staring at the overturned chairs. But after some time, he composed himself and went into the kitchen again.
He sat beside Hermione and tried to speak, but words wouldn't form.
"Are you my father?" She suddenly asked.
Sirius felt his throat close up again, and he cleared it. "Yeah, I think I am, sweetie. How do you feel about that?"
She shrugged her shoulders, "Don't know. I miss Mémé."
Sirius looked at Narcissa with big panicky eyes, wanting help.
"That's French for Grandmother, Sirius." She said. "I know you do, darling. But you're going to live here for a while. There is another little boy who also lives here. Won't that be fun?"
Hermione looked down at her hands. "I guess."
Sirius was feeling helpless. He didn't know how to connect with the girl or how to go about all the practical stuff. What should he do now?
Narcissa insisted he found proof that she was his daughter. 'Just knowing' wasn't enough, apparently.
He had agreed to take her to the ministry for proper testing and possibly get the paperwork done. He was afraid, though. What if she was his daughter? Or worse, what if she wasn't?
Hermione was currently taking a nap on the sofa, clutching her bunny. Narcissa was going on and on about everything they needed to take care of, and suddenly he thought about the tapestry.
"The tapestry." He said. "If she is mine, she would appear on the tapestry!"
He ran up the stairs and warded the door off before Narcissa could follow him. He needed to find this out by himself.
He had painted over the tapestry when he had taken over Grimaud, not wanting to look at all those horrible people's faces. It was one of many redecorations he had done. Narcissa had done, really.
He started to scrape off the paint and got to his face quickly. He took a breath before continuing, and his heart started beating fast when nothing was under his face. Deep in his stomach, there was a feeling he couldn't place. It was heavy and unsettling. Disappointment, that's what it is, he thought.
He slumped against the wall and removed the warding. Narcissa walked in. "Well, I guess we know for sure now."
Sirius nodded, "I guess so."
"How do you feel?"
"Honestly? I'm crushed. I know I don't know her, but I was so sure. I felt it."
"I think you should take another look, Sirius." She said when Sirius didn't say anything else.
He turned around and saw that Narcissa had removed the burned mark over his face and watched as a new name and face appeared under him. He instantly felt lighter. "She. She really is mine?"
Narcissa nodded and smiled at him. Seeing him so happy over his new daughter warmed her heart.
That night after, he had put Hermione to bed and had a floo call with Harry, who slept at the manor. Remus came over. Sirius broke down as soon as he saw his friend.
Remus sat down beside him and hugged him close. "Shhh. It's okay. It's going to be okay."
"It's not Remus. You don't understand. That's my daughter, and she is almost 4 fucking years old."
"I know, Sirius, but.."
"No, you don't." Sirius interrupted. "The war ended 3 years ago, Remus. 3 years! She's had 3 years to tell me." He was shouting now, but he didn't care.
"Fuck. I can't breathe." His chest hurt. He clutched it in an attempt to soothe the ache.
Remus rubbed his back, trying to comfort him. "Shhh, Padfoot. I know. Just take a breath."
Sirius did in fact not take a breath. "I have a child. A daughter. And I've missed her entire childhood. I don't even know her. She doesn't know me. She won't even look at me, let alone talk to me. How can."
Remus gripped Sirius's face and forced him to look at him. "Listen. I'm going to need you to calm down. Take a breath and calm down. Okay?"
Sirius nodded as Remus stroked his cheek with his thumb, took a deep breath, broke down again on the exhale and cried in Remus' arms for a long time. He hadn't cried this much ever, he thought.
As his shoulders started to relax, Remus tried again. "I know it seems bad now, but she's 4, Sirius, not 25. You haven't lost her entire childhood. And yes, you don't know each other. But you have the rest of her life to get to know her. It's going to be fine."
"What if I can't do it? I can't be a parent to a little girl. I'm going to ruin her. Eliza even said so herself."
"Are you fucking dense?" Remus smacked his head.
"Auch, what was that for?" Sirius rubbed the spot Remus had hit.
"Have you forgotten about Harry? You have done that, and Harry is a great kid. Listen to me. You can do it. Harry is lucky to have you, and so is Hermione. You are the best dad there is, and yeah, of course, you fuck up every now and then. But that is what parenting is about. The important thing is that the children are fed, well taken care of, and know they are loved. And all those things you can provide."
"It just.. It feels different now. Don't get me wrong, I love Harry with all my heart, but when Lilly and James died, I knew it would be hard, but I also knew I wouldn't have to do it alone. I knew we would raise him together, all of us. I knew it would be a group effort."
"And you think we would just abandon you now? Hm? What the fuck, Sirius? It's no different this time. She's your daughter, and we love her just for that. I can't wait to get to know her. I bet she will have us all eating out her palm in no time. Now if you are done freaking out, can we relax for a bit? I'm tired."
Sirius clung to his best friend, and they laid back on the sofa.
Sirius woke up with one leg on the floor and a terrible ache in his back. It was still dark outside.
He had fallen asleep on the sofa with Remus' arm around his waist. He groaned and turned on his side, where a pair of big watery chocolate eyes stared back at him.
Hermione sniffled.
"Hey, sweetie. What's wrong?" Sirius was going to die. He was sure of it. Looking into those big, brown eyes filled with tears was killing him. If his heart had cracked before, it fucking broke now. He prayed the tears wouldn't fall.
"Mr Snuggle was scared," Hermione said, clutching her bunny hard.
He got up from the sofa. "Oh, no. We can't have that, can we? Can I give him a hug?" He asked her.
She nodded and held the bunny out for him. He hugged the bunny. "Can I give you a hug as well? Maybe that will help Mr Snuggle not be so afraid?"
She thought about it for a while and nodded slowly, almost tentatively.
Sirius gently pulled her toward him and gave her a hug. He heard her sniffle against his neck and stroked the back of her head.
"Do you?" He swallowed, trying to remove the lump in his throat. "Do you think Mr Snuggle would like to sleep down here with us?"
Her eyes widened, and she looked back and forth between the door and him. "He says only if I stay here with him too. He's scared when I'm not with him."
Sirius smiled at her. A real smile this time, not a grimace. "Of course. Come here, sweetie." He took his wand out from beneath the cushion and transfigured the sofa into a big bed for the three of them.
Hermione put Mr Snuggle close to him "You have to hold him or he will be scared."
Sirius made room for the bunny on his chest and put an arm around it. "Like this?" he asked.
She nodded and put her hand on the bunny, close to his chest.
It took some time, but Hermione fell asleep not long after. Sirius couldn't move, afraid he would wake her. She looked so peaceful and tiny in her sleep. She looked completely innocent. She was precious, he thought. He wanted to wrap her up and hide away her from the world.
It calmed him, just lying there and watching the steady rhythm of her breathing. Every time his eyes closed, they sprang up quickly, needing to ensure she was still breathing.
He felt hands snaking around his waist. "See? I told you it would be fine." Remus said in his ear.
"Have you been awake this whole time?" His voice was strained.
"Mmhm. Just don't try to rush anything. She will come to you when she's ready. She already has."
"Thank you. You know, for everything." Sirius said to his best friend.
As he was about to fall asleep again, he felt tiny hands snaking around his neck. He made room for Hermione in his arms and made sure the bunny wouldn't be crushed.